Dealing with thoughts

[Annabelle27]

Need advice - how do u deal with the holidays, etc when you're alone and thinking about what the MM is doing w the W and even when they say they aren't sleeping with them - are they. I want to believe them. This is new for me any help would be great.

[Decorative]

Need advice - how do u deal with the holidays, etc when you're alone and thinking about what the MM is doing w the W and even when they say they aren't sleeping with them - are they. I want to believe them. This is new for me any help would be great.

 

My husband told the OW at first that I was his ex-wife.

 

Then he admitted we were still married, but he told her "on paper only". Then he told her the truth- that we were still married.

 

We were having sex the entire time- and lots of it. This is a story I have heard over and over again.

 

if he lies to his wife- he lies to you. Don't believe him just because he says so. Believe only what you can prove.

[neveragain34]

Sounds like my exMM. First he said he was divorced, then separated, then said he was staying in a loveless and sexless marriage for the kids. After talking to his wife, I learned it was quite opposite. She said she slept with him a lot to try and keep him happy. Wish I found this forum in the beginning of our relationship so I could see how they are all the same and use the same lines on us, then I wouldn't have felt like I was special or different and would have ended it much sooner.

[whichwayisup]

Need advice - how do u deal with the holidays, etc when you're alone and thinking about what the MM is doing w the W and even when they say they aren't sleeping with them - are they. I want to believe them. This is new for me any help would be great.

 

You want to believe them but deep down you probably know that's a lie. The thing is, reguardless if they are having sex or not, they still are living life together, doing things as a family unit. Visiting friends, going grocery shopping, being with family, having meals together.

 

Keep yourself busy with your friends and family and try not to focus on what your MM is doing when he isn't with you. You know he's married, has a wife, so you should enjoy the time you spend with him and keep things in perspective, accept your role as the OW in his life .. Or end it if you are feeling too hurt and jealous. Affairs are messy and people get hurt of all sides of the triangle. This is what your life is though, by choice. I don't mean that harshly, more of a matter of fact.

[Catplates]

Those very thoughts evetually compelled me to finally end the affair. I could not compartmentalise the way xMM could.

 

I absolutely died every time he went away with his wife and hated everything about him being with her all the time. The whole affair dynamic was wrong .

 

Yes, he said they didn't have sex but it always nagged away at me.

 

Eventually all these uncertainties and upsets can deteriorate your mental well being. Don't let it get it go that far. It can be very difficult to extricate oneself from.

 

Cat.

[Annabelle27]

Thank you to everyone who responded - call me nieve but I believe him n

And maybe I am wanting to believe it.....he has a lot to lose both professionally And personally if discovered. Why does he still hang on - why does he say he loves me, I have been around the W and they are not affectionate at all.

 

So how do I compartmentize these debilitating thoughts that haunt my mind continuously and why do I watch the phone and listen for him to text or call. How do I deal with this. I think he is afraid of leaving because of if I did anything it would destroy everything career and everything.

 

I love him more than anything, I just don't know how to do this. Anyone who has done this successfully and survived - please let me know. Thank you.

[Decorative]

Thank you to everyone who responded - call me nieve but I believe him n

And maybe I am wanting to believe it.....he has a lot to lose both professionally And personally if discovered. Why does he still hang on - why does he say he loves me, I have been around the W and they are not affectionate at all.

 

So how do I compartmentize these debilitating thoughts that haunt my mind continuously and why do I watch the phone and listen for him to text or call. How do I deal with this. I think he is afraid of leaving because of if I did anything it would destroy everything career and everything.

 

I love him more than anything, I just don't know how to do this. Anyone who has done this successfully and survived - please let me know. Thank you.

 

 

A person who chooses to make you second in his life is telling you what he truly thinks of you. Watch for actions, not words.

 

As for how to do it- you should look up cognitive dissonance. That's the only way to live a lie. To disassociate.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you to everyone who responded - call me nieve but I believe him n

And maybe I am wanting to believe it.....he has a lot to lose both professionally And personally if discovered. Why does he still hang on - why does he say he loves me, I have been around the W and they are not affectionate at all.

 

So how do I compartmentize these debilitating thoughts that haunt my mind continuously and why do I watch the phone and listen for him to text or call. How do I deal with this. I think he is afraid of leaving because of if I did anything it would destroy everything career and everything.

 

I love him more than anything, I just don't know how to do this. Anyone who has done this successfully and survived - please let me know. Thank you.

 

You are choosing to believe a man who lies to his wife, the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends...and is cheating on her. Do you really believe he wouldn't lie or omit truths from you? Don't mean to be harsh here, but what makes you more special than her that he would not lie to you? You are letting your heart, love and emotions for him cloud your judgement and you are also lying to yourself if you believe he isn't going on with his life with her when you aren't around. What good would it be if he told you "yes I still have sex with my wife." OF COURSE he knows that is going to upset you so it's easier for him to white lie to you and exaggerate truths to suit him in the best possible light.

 

you chose to get involved with a married man and with that comes heartache and pain. Many OW cannot deal with being second fiddle, some are OK with it and don't put their MM's first. They focus on themselves, their friends, family and don't drop all plans and go running to their MM the minute they snap their fingers. Have you ever told him "NO I'm busy I can't see you tonight ,I have other plans?" or do you cancel your plans to be with him? Just wondering.

 

You two have put yourselves in a stupid and dangerous situation by having a work place affair. Many consquences, along with gossip, ruined reputations, and of course his wife and his marriage falling apart.

 

Bolded part. Either accept things as they are and don't put all your eggs in one basket with him and learn how to detach and not rely on him as much for making yourself feel good .. Or, end it. Staying as things are is going to kill you and you'll become a woman whom you may not recognize one day with insecurities, sadness and loneliness too.

[neveragain34]

You aren't going to get much help on here on how to compartmentalise the A; most of us started here just like you and are either still where you are now or have moved on after realizing their A is the same as everyone else's and he is never going to leave. If we were able to successfully compartmentalise, we wouldn't be here to begin with.

 

Even if you do get advice, you won't listen unless its what you want to hear based on your rationizations. (For example, you asked if they are sleeping together, we basically said yes, and you say you believe him. So why ask?) You are in the affair bubble right now and believe everything he says, including the reasons he can't divorce. Until you come out if it, nothing we say or do can help.

 

In the meantime, I can tell you that the anxiety you feel now when he's with his wife only gets worse, as your feelings get stronger.

[missy268]

Right now i am in the exact place you are....I'm single and i'm thinking about what he is doing with his girlfriend (my guy isn't married!!) and why he is doing it when he could be here with me being happy. I stupidly allowed my A to start again over christmas after 11 months of nothing...and so right now, feelings and emotions are pretty raw, and once again, i am hurting myself over this guy. I can tell my friends that i want to leave it alone and i want to move on, but when he texts or he comes around to my house, i answer, i let him in, i say yes come around it will be good to see you. Then when he gets up to go, i feel the pain which is what has made me decide no more...even though i don't know how i'm going to feel IF he contacts me over the next few days.

 

I have to agree, with the stronger feelings, come the anxiety...i worry about my guy proposing to her, what if she gets pregnant, i worry about them going on holidays together....he should be doing that with me, not her...i don't understand how people can do this, but then again i don't understand why i am so involved with him, when i could clearly do so much better.

 

From writing out my reply to you, i feel like i am in a different position, the almost so close to being completely done, I have to agree no amount of advice can help you deal with it, you either do or you don't - if you choose to stay in your affair, its something you will have to get used to as he won't leave. I've been doing this for nearly 2 years - he still hasn't left his girlfriend

 

I'm sorry i don't want to upset you i really don't i just want you to know we all know how you are feeling xx

[WhatsTheAnswer]

Need advice - how do u deal with the holidays, etc when you're alone and thinking about what the MM is doing w the W and even when they say they aren't sleeping with them - are they. I want to believe them. This is new for me any help would be great.

 

I can't speak for your MM but as a former WS (MM) I can tell you I was rarely having sex with my wife. All my bond was for my OW I felt like I was cheating on her so I stayed away from my W as much as I could. I developed such a bond with my OW that my wife's smell touch and look felt foreign to me. However that being said I did have to perform once in awhile to keep up the lie. But I was totally disconnected. So it is possible he isn't having much sex with her (although highly unlikely many MM have more sex in those situations because they are feeling so good about themselves and are revved up from the sex with OW.) but at the very least he is having some sex with her. So don't believe he is having no sex. Don't you think his W would be suspicious that he was pushing her away altogether? How would he explain that away?

[Annabelle27]

I can't speak for your MM but as a former WS (MM) I can tell you I was rarely having sex with my wife. All my bond was for my OW I felt like I was cheating on her so I stayed away from my W as much as I could. I developed such a bond with my OW that my wife's smell touch and look felt foreign to me. However that being said I did have to perform once in awhile to keep up the lie. But I was totally disconnected. So it is possible he isn't having much sex with her (although highly unlikely many MM have more sex in those situations because they are feeling so good about themselves and are revved up from the sex with OW.) but at the very least he is having some sex with her. So don't believe he is having no sex. Don't you think his W would be suspicious that he was pushing her away altogether? How would he explain that away?

 

Thank you whatstheanswer for your honesty - my MM is very similar to you I believe he rarely has it but has to to avoid the red flag. It just makes my stomach crawl - I guess that is what I have to figure out how to push out of my mind. From the MM pov - any other insights you can provide when he's with his W - our situation sounds very similar - our bond is amazingly strong. We set Ts and Cs about him having sex with his W that I would be gone and he tells me he's abiding by them but any words of wisdom you can provide - I would appreciate - I love him and want to stay just need advice on how to deal.

 

Thanks

[jwi71]

Need advice - how do u deal with the holidays, etc when you're alone and thinking about what the MM is doing w the W and even when they say they aren't sleeping with them - are they. I want to believe them. This is new for me any help would be great.

 

These doubts are the shadow of mistrust.

 

What is the answer? Only two people know - your MM and his W.

 

You don't trust what your MM says so I guess you'll have to ask his W.

 

Although it won't take much mental gymnastics to doubt her as well - she may be saying yes just to keep you from getting her H.

 

So you have, in short, asked a question that has no answer - or at least one you trust.

 

You are better served by building trust. How can you and your MM begin to build trust - what ACTIONS can YOU take to begin that process?

[Annabelle27]

What does that have to do with anything?

 

There are plenty of couples who don't display affection in public and still have "hot" sex.

 

Thanks a lot

[truthbetold]

Thank you whatstheanswer for your honesty - my MM is very similar to you I believe he rarely has it but has to to avoid the red flag. It just makes my stomach crawl - I guess that is what I have to figure out how to push out of my mind. From the MM pov - any other insights you can provide when he's with his W - our situation sounds very similar - our bond is amazingly strong. We set Ts and Cs about him having sex with his W that I would be gone and he tells me he's abiding by them but any words of wisdom you can provide - I would appreciate - I love him and want to stay just need advice on how to deal.

 

Thanks

 

To the bolded, you do not have a "bond" in any sense of the word. Think I am wrong? Wouldn't you like to be with him tomorrow evening when the clock strikes 12? Where is he going to be? In your arms? Likely from what you posted, no he will be with his W. If she gets suspicious and he gets scared do you think he's going to profess his love for you to her or run like a scared rabbit?

 

He will be gone and you will be left picking up the pieces if this is discovered that isn't a "bond" that's something transient. You have lust not love. He's not there for you if you really needed him he's there when it's convenient.

 

If you wish to live in denial about their sex life that's your choice. But really YOU and he concocted a plan about THEIR sex life and you think he's abiding by it because he "tells" you he is?

 

I'm sorry I just hate to see girls being so naive. If you tell a guy that it's going to bug the crap out of you or worse, enrage you if he does "x" thing do you *think* he's ever going to admit to *x* thing? OW are seriously deluding themselves when they say they *know* he isn't having sex bc he said so and moreso the OW said she would be gone or go ballistic to find out that he did have sex with the W.

 

Newsflash, he's not going to tell you something that will upset you and have it ruin a good thing for "him".

 

You even mentioned that he knows you would blow his world apart if this is found out, so that insinuates that you have a bunny boiler mentality towards this that you will ruin his life if he breaks it off with you. If that's true, then he is in self preservation mode to keep you happy and keep the status quo.

 

You're nagging thoughts will only get worse. He knows damn well you don't have a spy camera set up in their home so you have no idea what goes on there. He can tell you anything and if you are desperate enough for his attention you will believe it.

 

Question is why since you admit you haven't been seeing him for long are you willing to ignore your gut literally?

 

And no, I'm not a bitter BW quite the opposite and in knowing what real love is and having dated losers I hate to see women throw away their lives over some cheat. Demand better or simply understand you are choosing this turmoil and sadness for yourself and it's only going to get more lonely and sad if you stay.

[Decorative]

What does that have to do with anything?

 

There are plenty of couples who don't display affection in public and still have "hot" sex.

 

Or they can be like my BIL and SIL- who do nothing but grope each other in public and talk about sex. But he can't stay faithful to her and she's an alcoholic.

 

PDA isn't useful as a relationship barometer. LOL

[whichwayisup]

We set Ts and Cs about him having sex with his W that I would be gone and he tells me he's abiding by them but any words of wisdom you can provide - I would appreciate - I love him and want to stay just need advice on how to deal.

 

The thing is, you're setting yourself up for this pain..You just don't see it that way. You know he is married and want him anyway. He lives life with his wife whether you like it or not. He will continue to go out to dinner with her, see her (his inlaws) parents, be involved in her life on every level. They will shop together, watch TV together and yes, have sex on occasion.

 

To you he is your everything and this is more than an affair.. But to him, it is just an affair because he's already married and committed to someone else. Yeah obviously he's not that committed since he is cheating but he isn't looking to leave and divorce his wife. You eventually will want more and more from him and he won't be able to provide that, ever.

 

Things to think about. God forbid he gets into an accident or gets sick and ends up in the hospital..His wife will be there by his side..You won't be allowed anywhere near him. your future holidays, christmas's, his bday, new years, thanksgiving, easter etc..etc.. He spends with his wife and family .. As time goes on you'll realize he is continuing to live his life, grow with his wife and kids...And you'll be waiting for him.

 

I hope one day you end it so you can find a love just for you! A man who will be only yours and you won't ever have to worry about sharing him with his wife.

[whichwayisup]

Or they can be like my BIL and SIL- who do nothing but grope each other in public and talk about sex. But he can't stay faithful to her and she's an alcoholic.

 

PDA isn't useful as a relationship barometer. LOL

 

Seeing adults PDA is just wrong. Sure once in a while my H and I hold hands out in public but we do NOT make out, kiss and fondle eachother..Especially around friends and family. Many people are like this. I rarely see any of my friends and their spouses putting on a PDA show! Dec. is right, PDA isn't a useful way to tell if a couple is close or not.

[Tenacity]

What does that have to do with anything?

 

There are plenty of couples who don't display affection in public and still have "hot" sex.

 

I am actually shocked that two members that I respect 'liked' this post from you Alice. We are not talking about 'hot' sex. Your comments about your 'hot sex' aren't useful in this thread. How does any of this even remotely address the OP's post? The original post was about affection, not sex.

[Tenacity]

Need advice - how do u deal with the holidays, etc when you're alone and thinking about what the MM is doing w the W and even when they say they aren't sleeping with them - are they. I want to believe them. This is new for me any help would be great.

 

I know it's new for you. I know how you feel. I'm sorry.

 

Yes, usually they are sleeping with them (statistically speaking).

 

I know you want to believe him. I don't think you should believe him, and I believe that you know this and that's the reason you posted here.

[Annabelle27]

I know it's new for you. I know how you feel. I'm sorry.

 

Yes, usually they are sleeping with them (statistically speaking).

 

I know you want to believe him. I don't think you should believe him, and I believe that you know this and that's the reason you posted here.

 

Thank you - the whole reason for my post was for advice from those who have been the OW and how to deal with it. In my heart in dont believe he is and may hes different from the stats. Even if he is sleeping with her, how do I block that out

[Tenacity]

Thank you - the whole reason for my post was for advice from those who have been the OW and how to deal with it. In my heart in dont believe he is and may hes different from the stats. Even if he is sleeping with her, how do I block that out

 

You need to accept that he is. That he isn't different from the stats. And if that is the case - and it likely is - then you need to NOT block that out.

[Tenacity]

The original post was absolutely about sex. The OP wondered if her MM was telling the truth about not having sex with his wife. Then she later said she believed him in part because she nevers sees them acting affectionately towards each other. So I think Alices post was on topic.

 

It was a two-line very nonspecific original post. Not sure how you got all that information out of it. I didn't. You said way more than she ever did.

 

I get that you would not think that response was a problem.

 

Alice's post was on topic - but was just worded brutally, as usual.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you - the whole reason for my post was for advice from those who have been the OW and how to deal with it. In my heart in dont believe he is and may hes different from the stats. Even if he is sleeping with her, how do I block that out

 

Somehow you either make yourself accept it..since he is married and this is part of the package deal when one involves themselves in an affair. If you can't handle it, only other way is to end it and find a man who won't have sex with anybody else other than you.

 

This can't just be about the sex and his intimate moments he shares with his wife. Or is it?

[Decorative]

I am actually shocked that two members that I respect 'liked' this post from you Alice. We are not talking about 'hot' sex. Your comments about your 'hot sex' aren't useful in this thread. How does any of this even remotely address the OP's post? The original post was about affection, not sex.

 

I liked it because she was addressing that you cannot get a true window into someone else's relationship, based on public displays of affection.

 

She was answering a comment where the poster referenced seeig the married couple in public and gauged their relationship via how she sees them behave physically in public.

 

Alice didn't go off on a tangent- she was offering that what an outsider sees isn't necessarily the case.

 

At least- that's how I read it, and why I contributed.