SharkTooth Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 If you are trying to forget about your ex, I totally get it, but... I mean NC is stop communicating right? Isn't communications vital in maintaining a healthy relationship? So if you stop communicating, haven't you crushed your chance of a second chance? I don't get it. If you stop communicating, haven't you missed your opportunity to let her/him know that you are doing well and have made some changes with yourself? Aren't you putting a message out that he/her was not that important to you because you have simply dismissed them? Do you really want a second chance with someone who fears abandonment and comes running back because they might be insecure or lack confidence in themselves? It really sounds like a mind game and if you believe or want anything to do with someone that plays games, then this is probably a home-run! But seriously, WHY?
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 One: Have a look and see how many second chances actually work. Out of 100 I would probably say 5 or at most, 10. Two: NC is implemented to prevent breadcrumbs. if the dumper genuinely wants to try again, seek forgiveness, and admit they were wrong, that's one thing - and a possibility. Unfortunately, most people who permit themselves to be contacted by their ex/dumper, find to their cost that it was just a carrot-dangling exercise, designed to make the dumper feel les guilty, and better about themselves.... Read the guide in my signature. That might help. 2
Gottabestrong Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 The way I see it, cutting all contact is not about manipulating your ex into missing you and coming back, but about healing and moving on from the pain of the breakup. If you want to get back together with your ex, then it depends on the circumstances of your breakup whether it is possible or not. Questions like who ended things, what were the reasons for the breakup, how does your ex feel about reconciliation, etc. come into play. If you got dumped and your ex wants nothing to do with you, and maybe already has a new person, than the only thing you can do is stay away from them. Chasing someone who does not want to be with you is never a good idea. By cutting all contact you improve your chances of healing and as an added bonus your ex gets to see what life is like without you in it. And maybe this will make your ex reconsider the breakup, though I would not count on it. However, if you were the one who ended things and now changed your mind, I think it might be good to stay in touch with your ex, if they want that too. A little groveling is only fair if you broke their heart. But I think you should set a time limit, as in I am willing to wait around for 3 months and let him/her decide if they want to give me another chance. If not, I am going to move on with my life. Just my 2 cents on the whole NC issue.
shalisha42 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Hi! There's an article on what no contact is, why it is implemented and whether or not it works. Here it is: Terrified The No Contact Rule Won't Work? | Win Back My Ex Lover Basically, it states that the no contact rule gives you (the dumpee) your dignity back; it empowers you because you are no longer controlled by the response or lack of response from your ex; you also allow your ex to miss you.
Tyrandi Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I'm also wondering if the NC rule really works all the time, especially in my situation. My GF broke up whilst I was on exchange, because she couldn't handle missing me. I know my ex gf, and she needs someone in her life to basically hold her and love her. I wasn't there, so she moved on and actually already found a new guy (who's probably a rebound from the looks of it *knocks on wood*). Now I'm back, but if I initiate NC on her, I won't be there for her either, so she won't see the mistake she's made. She was crazy in love with me before I left, but because of that she probably couldn't handle missing me. So remaining in touch and letting her see who I am and what she's living without now, seems like a logical choice.
ZxExD Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 If you are trying to forget about your ex, I totally get it, but... I mean NC is stop communicating right? Isn't communications vital in maintaining a healthy relationship? So if you stop communicating, haven't you crushed your chance of a second chance? I don't get it. If you stop communicating, haven't you missed your opportunity to let her/him know that you are doing well and have made some changes with yourself? Aren't you putting a message out that he/her was not that important to you because you have simply dismissed them? Do you really want a second chance with someone who fears abandonment and comes running back because they might be insecure or lack confidence in themselves? It really sounds like a mind game and if you believe or want anything to do with someone that plays games, then this is probably a home-run! But seriously, WHY? I love this NC rule! Hell No I don't want her back and I definitely don't want anything to do with her. If it wasn't for our son, I would have been long gone years ago. It sucks that I have to even text her to make arrangements to pick him up. Why deal with someone that has made you feel miserable and if it didn't work the first time, what is going to change the second time? Just move on and maybe, just maybe you will never have to think about the NC rule again. I still waiting for that last sentence, its lonely, but I have my son, and someday a women to hold in my arms.
eyeful Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 One: Have a look and see how many second chances actually work. Out of 100 I would probably say 5 or at most, 10. if the dumper genuinely wants to try again, seek forgiveness, and admit they were wrong, that's one thing - and a possibility. Read the guide in my signature. That might help. I like this perspective. I will explain how it helps to understand my situation in a way that seems more lucid and beneficial to me. She refuses me romance and attention (initiates a break-up), but still very much wants friendship. I offer this to her, because I am a forgiving person. I may still be frustrated and hurt, but I mostly set that aside to meet the friendship on her terms, because I believe in giving *her* a second chance. I could become so indignant and hurt by her breaking it off that I cut all contact with her (a kind of vengeance), but instead, I act charitably. Nevermind what her reasons are for wanting to stay friends; it could be keeping a foot in the door, trying to lessen her own guilt, testing me to see if I will wait around, really wanting to keep me on her life but feeling overwhelmed by the romance, wanting to lean on me for support, or something else. No matter what, if I stay her friend, I end up being the stronger person, because I can have the implicit attitude of "look, you messed up, but I will go along with your wishes anyway, at least for a while. Who knows? Maybe you realize you were wrong and seek forgiveness? We will deal with that if/when we come to it. Until then, I am going to give you the chance to be my friend, which is something you might not really deserve, but I am being especially nice by doing so". The reason this works is that she dumped me at an especially good time for her, and a bad one for me. It came as a surprise, since it seemed that we were working together, looking out for one another, and having a great life, without going domestic or moving rapidly towards marriage. We talked regularly about how we would stay together, that we were taking small steps, and that we were both very committed. Her 'cold feet' during a brief, but difficult time for me, was really a kind of betrayal. The fact that I am still willing to stay friends is a concession on my part. Thus I have a mission, which is to show that I can have a platonic relationship with her, despite feelings of attraction between us. Maybe my level of interest even seems lower than hers (by training myself to be indifferent). Maybe she starts to realize she was wrong, down the line, and I forgive her for the break up (which I believe was a really stupid idea, unless she plans to reunite, which is not what she says). This way, instead of framing it as me who needs to seek forgiveness from her, in order to be taken back, the opposite dynamic is brought into play. It's really her loss if she wants to end the romance. I can still spare my ego without needing to 'have her' the way I used to. Meanwhile, I can change the parts about myself that I know bothered her, but not act as if I am sucking up to her with hopes of us getting back together, instead as a way to be the best person I can be, not just for her, but for everyone, as my life continues on without that source of ego-fulfilment (sex, intimacy, security). Breaking up with someone is a very painful thing for the breakee: I think that often, it is worse than the suffering the breaker experienced which evoked the break in the first place. I broke off with my first girlfriend, only to want to take her back later (I missed her, but it's best we didn't get back together), but she had moved onto someone else. I can't really blame her, except that she wasn't honest with me when she started dating this guy (in order to spare my feelings). Anyway, I have gone round and round thinking about this stuff, and I think that the attitude I just expressed is a good one for my situation. However, I detect that it's not a normal case by any means...I just hope I can stick with this and that it helps me get through that tough, post-breakup process. As long as neither of us sees other people, and is honest if we do decide to do that, this can remain civil, without anyone really getting hurt. Of course, if she decides to date someone, the friendship will be over, by my doing.
Sugarkane Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 One: Have a look and see how many second chances actually work. Out of 100 I would probably say 5 or at most, 10. Two: NC is implemented to prevent breadcrumbs. if the dumper genuinely wants to try again, seek forgiveness, and admit they were wrong, that's one thing - and a possibility. Unfortunately, most people who permit themselves to be contacted by their ex/dumper, find to their cost that it was just a carrot-dangling exercise, designed to make the dumper feel les guilty, and better about themselves.... Read the guide in my signature. That might help. That's what I've said before yet got attacked for being too negative. I was just trying to be realistic. Sigh.
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I mentioned in another thread that in my time here, I have repeatedly attempted to change my approach, be 'softer kinder and more gentle'.... but it's not me. It's not my style, and it's not the way I am. I hate to hurt peoples' feelings and I don't like to think I offend people - but WYSIWYG. And unfortunately, changing my approach doesn't change what's happening. Having reached almost 14k posts, while no two situations have the same protagonists, many situations are alarmingly similar - as can be evidenced by the amount of responses to posts, which begin with "OMG! You could be describing my situation exactly!!" We're creatures of habit - we run with the herd, and therefore our situations very often mirror those of others, because we're all human, and we all do what we think works. So yeah, I'm harsh, blunt, to-the-point, snappy, and can be sharp-tongued.... But sadly - very sadly - I'm also often right.
Tmo2 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 If you are trying to forget about your ex, I totally get it, but... I mean NC is stop communicating right? Isn't communications vital in maintaining a healthy relationship? So if you stop communicating, haven't you crushed your chance of a second chance? I don't get it. If you stop communicating, haven't you missed your opportunity to let her/him know that you are doing well and have made some changes with yourself? Aren't you putting a message out that he/her was not that important to you because you have simply dismissed them? Do you really want a second chance with someone who fears abandonment and comes running back because they might be insecure or lack confidence in themselves? It really sounds like a mind game and if you believe or want anything to do with someone that plays games, then this is probably a home-run! But seriously, WHY? Communication is vital yes. Imo and in my experience, no-contact also serves as sending a message. Not saying something sends a message in almost every situation. I was dumped by a girl i truly loved. 2 months after I met her and told her how I truly felt. I spilled my heart to her and she replied she could'nt give me what I wanted. I wanted commitment, a serious relationship. At this point I had to no-contact. I just told her I wanted to be lovers. I would not settle for less. At this point I had to leave. Cutting contact proves that I am serious and I must honor my word. It shows you don't need her to be with you to continue to live, you aren't dependant on her. Even if you wish to be with her. Ultimatly you want someone to love you for you. It is not a game. You do it because if you are in love, it is really really heartbraking not to have love returned. When you are with that person you will always ask ''why am I here'', holding back love is a terrible feeling. So no-contact is a way to protect yourself from additional hurt.
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