Jim91 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 (edited) Hi all, first of all, let me excuse for my english, i am living in C. Europe and my english isnt that good, but i hope you will manage to understand everything I mean. I am experiencing the toughest part of my life so far. The breakup which is completely ruining my life, I would say from its own basics. I will start from the beginning of the relationship and slowly continue to the present. It was 3years ago in december when I met this girl and we started dating.(I was 18, she was 16).I had one 2 years relationship before then and I was her first).At the point we met she was typical teenage girl hanging out with friends,visiting discos, having profiles on all social networksites, you know... At the time I didn't mind, everything was perfect. We started to share the most of our time together and also starting to share friends. She became best friend of my best friend.(she had girls as friends mostly), i knew she was really just friend with my best friend, so i was ok with that. Most of the time they were anyway chatting of me and her having great time etc... After one year we were still in love without any problems... The first anniversary was maybe the best day of my life at the time... Second year of our relationship was maybe even better, we started to live together (in her parents house, her parents liked me, so it was great too.)As I mentioned she was more ,,wild'' before we met and during the relationship it seemed she calmed down. Since i am abstinent (I drink just ocassionally and she did too), I didn't go partying or anything of this type. I think that she was missing these kind of actions, but never told me. We have seriously a huge number of great memories together (seaside holidays,countless number of overnight trips, biking, hitchiking, and so on. Spending week in the house, when her parents were away was pretty standard too.). Everything was just great. On the other side i neglected my friends (also because I've made a new friends at the university),sometimes i knew she is chatting with that guy (my ex best friend - lets call him Tom), I was kinda jealous of that, and to be honest scared of that in future more will happen between them, because I was no longer his friend. I told her I wish they don't chat anymore. She told me, that I dont have to be afraid, but OK. Afer like 2,5 years of our perfect relationship, some changes has occured. (Of course they were some minor fights, etc, but they are in every longer relationship arent they?)But still everything was fine, I felt she was loving my like on the beginning, and was proving this to me. In september of this year i found a job related to my studies and overall started to have less time on her. I realised that and starting to focus on US more on weekends, it seems it was gonna be ok. During relation ship we were also talking about future - she often iniciated that topic - were talking about living together in our own appartment , etc.. you name it ! (we both were looking forward to it..., but I never pressured her o even make some deadlines, lol. I knew she is still at highschool and when it will be the right time we will just do it. Still I didnt get any signals, or changes in her behaviour.. Until November I will tell you what happened in this november (i didnt know back then, I realised and got the truth (but not 100% and everything of it) in the beginning of December). - mostly from deducting, FACEBOOK and Tom, etc... In the beginning of November she was in hospital for one week (classic apendix surgery), I was visiting her basically every day after school/work...) Well aproximately at this time she started texting with the Tom guy, but didnt tell me... I believe conversation was about that I have less time on her and he was telling her that hes having fun on party, friends , etc.. I guess they were chatting a lot. At one point they decided to go to the pub (just 2 of them and not telling me this...). After that she somehow started to feel more about this guy.I was no longer friend with him and didnt know they were chatting at all.I thought its a closed chapter for me. Well they started seeing each other almost for every day i guess - mostly in this pub.. (even not going to school for some lectures to see each other). She chose time and place just to be sure I cant see them..Also his friends and her best girl-friend was involved in these ,,meetings at the pub,, and one day they starting kissing each other at the pub.. They were also ,,dating,, (god i hate to say this) outside (just like on date srsly... - holding each other hands etc..) I still didnt know anything is happening ! Yes, she cared less about me, less physical contact and she didnt want to sex.. but still I didnt figure this out.) One day she told me she want to sleep at her best girl-friends apparatment to watch some movies, etc.. I was OK with that.. That night i was going out with my friends on lanparty (after like 1 year or so with some old friends...) But in fact, she was lying to me and she went to private party of that guy and some other friends of her/his. It ended up by her drank, and she slept NEXT to him, nothing more... (as far as I know), she started to control her phone more in front of me, and changd her password everywhere... I started to feel something is wrong but didnt confront her face to face. Well she started to dress differently, etc... and more and more time spending with her ,,best girl-friend,,.. One day we were in a serious argue, because we were suposed to go on dinner together (it was planned week ago already),but she told me she has to learn MUCH. But i saw her history on PC, where she was literally EVERY minute on her facebook.. (which I thought she doesnt have) - I got to know that she created secret account on her name, was friends with Tom etc there and was hiding it from me. There was some evidences of her going out with them, respectivelly seeing with HIM... I didnt know what to do... And like week ago she slept in ,,her,, aparatment again and went on disco with ,,friends " to clear her mind... While I had sleepless nights, she was actually having fun...I couldnt eat, focus on work, school, you know.... Well there is another backstory to be told but It is OK without telling it. Later she admitted that even this night she was sleeping with him, they didnt **** with each other, just some ,,mouth stuff,, - you know... She acted she is sorry and she doesnt want to loose me, dont know what is she feeling for him, etc .. blah blah.. you know... He knew all of our conversation via icq /phone, which also sucked. Maybe he even told her what exactly write.. lol She was constantly lying to me and her parents about spending her free time, she was 99% of this time with him and having fun... I am not paraonic about that, its facts... She was taking him to their apartment and didnt tell parents.. But I knew... There was also schooltrip to christmas markets in germany and he was with her there. ( I found one photo of them together on her friends FB account), it seemed everyone knew they were together there as a couple even though I still didnt know its over LOL. It really hurt me.. She was lying and lying,making an alibi of her girl-friend. I feel like he is in the position of ,,her protector,, which helps her when she needs it, while I was there for her when she needed it... I dont really get it. I feel really empty now, cuz I lost everything which was important for me... I was really depressed and begged her at the time I stared to realized. But the battle was already over..She acted she is crying and sorry, but in fact, she was chatting with him/friends and was actually happy and I didnt see any remoreses whatsoever... Well their parents were on my side, but unfortunately they starting pushing her to be with me.. she accused me of ,,playing mindgames over her parents,, and she said she can move to Toms house if I will continue... I told her parents let her do what she want. There are other small damages in my heart from this period which I didnt tell for a purpose. I was literally reading for 4days 24/7 online forums, hints, etc... I decided to post this, after I found this forum... I am still having sleepless nights, mind focused on memories, but feeling relieved for a while while reading some advices... I think I should apply No Contact rule, since it seems to be the best strategy to get over her and at the same time it gives me chance to reconciliate in future (which I really want :-( ), but I have fear after what she has done I wont be able to get over this experience and my trust in her really suffer right now... 4 days ago i forced myself to stop stalking her on FB - her love statuses and getting info that she is with him, theyre planning for the New Year's eve etc... I feel a little bit better when I dont know what she does, but in my mind I feel that I know what i would have find out if I look there.. If I will ever look there, which is very seducing - just 2clicks and I know whats she up to...You know... It really hurts... And endlessly thinking on what the are doing in privacy... (LOL - I dont know why I have to think on this :-( - but It is really hurting me badly to think about it :-( ) ,,Timing,, of this breakup is also playing for ,,him,, - , St. Nicolas day, ,,end of the world" celebrating, Christmas time, many celebrations, New Years eve, then there is her and his school ball - Valentine day, etc... I feel like they will build up in a small period of them very strong memories... Have seriously no appetite to do something, even though I KNOW I MUST WORK ON MYSELF NOW - FOR MY BETTER FUTURE, and for hope that she will regret somehow.. Bad thing is that she is now having more friends than ever.. (his friends circle - which were mostly in past also my friends :-( ) and I am really afraid... I am really friendly with her parents and they really likes me, but we are chatting sporadicaly and in secret - so she wont know about it... Now she is ,,the happiest one,, with him - enjoying every free time and now until New year together at mountains in some cottage. **** IT I was supposed to be with her there :-( She knew , she cant count on me everytime and that I love her and iI know she felt the same way as me... But it seems to me that everything came out unexpected - totally out of the blue... Another thing is that i was planning 4 days romantic trip for 3rd anniversary at december 13 - I told her about it in november 13 (right month before) - she was surprised and happy but from the distance now she wasnt that happy as she would have been ,,normally,, . Well in the end my friend came there with me, which was maybe a little bit awkward... But I was thinking on her while being there... (My body was on Eiffel tower, but my mind did not.. At the time I was there, she was in his apartment for a weekend, I felt being humiliated somehow.. Knowing that theyre having fun, and she knew I am in Paris... damn :-( By applying NC i really hope it will get better but time... I still want to next month go to her graduate ball and even when knowing he will be there, just ask her for a dance ( we were together in dance school also - i think he does not dance - i mean classic ball dance, not disco..)- ask her just for one dance and after that just leave... dont talk about break up or whatever... just say , she is nice and dance for 5-10 minutes.. Do you think this will damage my NC rule? Should I do this or not? I know I said i want NC but, I know that I can in possible future, even now sleep at their appartment because her parents really likes me. and i sometimes go out with her father (we are really similar lol..) go out for poker, or hockey, football.. Do you think that its good to sleep in her appartment after one of this occassion , BUT before the night tell her I will sleep there so she can sleep at ,,his appartment,, ? I dont want her to feel like I am trying to get back to her by these sneaky tactics... But maybe it could improve my chances.. and maybe it can raise her interest in me?I know that by going out with her parent, its basically not NC but she will be maybe intersted about how i am doing, but during the time with him, we will not talking about her... (it just damages me , hearing how she is with him 24/7, and if not, thery skyping and phonecalling to bad - we used the same thing before :-( ).. Well , I know this post is really long and story is a way complicated. I know advices will be, she doesnt deserve me, and i should totally forgot about her and find someone else.. but I really think she was the one :-( which really makes this hard to get over. She is 19 now and as I said I was her 1st relationship, her friends from school arent much into longterm relationship so there was pressure on her, and she was missing partying etc... The fact she is really happy with him and having great time is eating my inside... I believe its not possible that she will ever forget the great time with me, but actually it seems she totally put me into ice and is replacing her memories with him... He has never had girlfriend - so she is now his ,,first love" - which from my point make situation even harder... Even though the damage is done and I cant change the facts and what theyre doing right now I have to focus on myself for the sake of my better future. I know it... but I am afraid that I wont be able to forget the time with her and always in my mind hope she will return... If this will ever happen I dont know what i should do... I cant just grab her back . Do you think its a good idea to tell her (if she will contact me - no matter why) that she have what she wanted and she should forget about me, that i feel it will be the best for everyone of us... (even though I want the opposite thing..) Another thing - I was with this guy out (4th december) and he told me some of the true (how often and where they were dating, etc...).And from then they re on relationship on FB etc.. (she didnt want him to come out with me, but he went) Last time I saw her was 9th december, I told her we need to talk , she said OK, went to her apartment, but WTF, he was there... (they were in bed LOL - dress up ofc, cuz knowing i willc ome. To be honest I expected her to be there alone , cuz of our talk... She told him go to other room, but i said its okay well talk later. Eventually he went out of the apartment for 5minutes. I was shocked... I talked to her like 5 minutes, and she has a pokerface i never saw before... I told her I didnt come for arguing, I dont want to hear apologise, etc, just wanted to tell her that it were 3 best years of my life (recapilated some of our mutual experiences) , she told me , I will always in her heart.. I told her we must cut off contacts, she asked : Why?? And the last thing i said was - Because I love you... After that she almost fall crying but at the same time i was putting on my jacket and prepared to leave. After I left they were together there until ... She texted me like 2 times randomly - one time - if she could buy me a christmas present and that she found my textbook i was searching for. Both times I didnt answer. I have still a lot of things in her apartment and will have to take them - i will do it tommorow cuz her parents are there alone ( she is with him on the cottage :-((( ). I dont want to see her room, cuz i expect our things to be replaced by his... She has some his things - plush animals.. already and expect some x-mas present from him to be there.. Its just too painful for me to go to this apartment, where are sooo many memories .... :-( What I should do now? And how should I act when she contacts me? I dont want to hear from her, how she is happy etc etc... Should i make some action in a future ? Sleeping randomly there and warn her before through her parents? or what?? Of course I want to move on, but i want move on to be possibly ready to accept her actions from past... I dont know now if I ll be able to forgive and sleep OK in night, and with fear she will do it again.. And idea of her and him being ,,just friends, again seems impossible to me... I think its really HIM or ME.. but by current situation I feel there is very low probability she will break up with him and break the friend circles which now emerged... Maybe I will find myself comfortable in a situation if I really move on and by knowing that she regrets and maybe in her mind will be the idea of how it would be if we are together... and I believe that in future its gonna be pain in the ass for Tom to know if I and she become ,,friends,, and maybe he will make mistakes as well... I really dont know. I really cant imagine being with her again in a relationship and knowing that if we will argue she will be crying to his arms... Now I feel she in in the stage of 100% in love with him. I feel this is also some kind of "GIGS" problem, but the way she did it and with who makes me really down. Damn sorry for this badly structured post, I ve just tell you everything I feel right now :-(. I will appreciate any answer... And please try to respect the fact that I still have very strong feelings for her even after this... On one hand I hope I will get over these, but on the other hand I have never felt more alive than with her... -- JIM Edited December 29, 2012 by Jim91
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Your story is very long. But you know what? All you needed to say was this: "We had a 3-year relationship but she ended up cheating on me." She was very young when she met you, and frankly, so were you. Such relationships only very rarely last, because the young love is immature. Of course she wanted to move on. I hate to say it - but she was right. Too young to stay with one person for ever. No life lived. Read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide!" in my signature. No Contact is for you to heal and move on. You don't need to forgive or even accept anything. Read the guide and implement it, 100% completely, all ways possible.
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