Had a drink with my ex

[Jose_ast24]

We dated for Two years. I broke up with her in march. We Kept seeing each other often till july. We had no contact at all for 5 months. She texted me on Christmas and I called her and told her to meet to catch up. We met last wednesday evening and had some drinks and diner toguether. She told me she is dating another guy and that things are going well with him. She also said that I'm very important in her life, that she loves me and that she would like to keep seeing me. Next day she emailed me a pic of our time toguether and telling how good those times were. Btw, all the time she called me by the pet ñame she used while dating. I'm very confused, i miss her and have feelings for her. Is she friendzoning me? Plotting revenge for dumping her in march? Do i still have chances with her? Thank you for your advice

[TaraMaiden]

W I'm very confused, i miss her and have feelings for her

Then friendship is impossible.

You cannot continue being simply 'friends' with someone who you harbour strong feelings for, and whom you still love. It's like wanting the cream cake locked in the display chiller...

 

Is she friendzoning me?

Yes.

Plotting revenge for dumping her in march?

She's already 'had' that, by telling you how well she's moved on, how happy she is, and sending you your 'together' pics.

"Look where I am now - see what you're missing?"

 

Do i still have chances with her? Thank you for your advice

I very much doubt it.

Why did you dump her in the first place?

 

Go No Contact.

It sounds from what you say that although you dumped her - you're the one suffering, and maybe even regretting it a little. Or a lot.

[Amelie1980]

Why did you split up with her? If you have feelings for her and are suffering without her, what happened between you that made you split up?

[Jose_ast24]

When we started dating she had been recently (3 months) dumped by another guy. She Was devastated because she had suffered very much during that previous relationship. At the beguinning of our relationship she didn't treat me Well, she Was Kind of making me pay for what her ex had done. She even cheated on me twice with a coworker which I learnt months after eventhough I didn't tell her. Let's say This bad phase lasted 8 months. After that, she started developping feelings towards me, she wanted to spend more time with me, started to treat me Well, like a boyfriend, but I had already built a protection wall so my feelings wouldn't be hurt. She wanted more and asked for more and then, out of the blue, I told her that I knew she had cheated and that I didn't love her. She begged me not to dump her and to try to work it out but after four more months I ended the relationship. I guess i broke up because i couldn't get over the fact that she cheated on me. When i confronted her she said it Was only twice, long time ago and totally meaningless. She said that when we started dating she Was nuts and didn't know What she Was doing. The thing is that Now What made me end the relationship doesn't seem so important to me and Now I valué that in the second phase she loved me, cared for me... Miss all that

[Amelie1980]

So she treated you like dirt, and now threw her new boyfriend in your face.

 

Nice girl.

[TaraMaiden]

You're in love with the wrong person.

 

I still suggest complete No Contact.

It's the only way you can stay sane.

 

never ask what their motives are.

Just always look to how you can best deal with it.

 

And in your case, I consider it absolutely, vitally essential that you go No Contact.

[Jose_ast24]

Thak you for your advices. To be honest, she didn't tell me about her new bf till I asked. We spent 4 hours toguether and she didn't talk about him at all. Only answered my questions. I don't think she intentionally wanted to hurt me

[TaraMaiden]

Oh I'm sure there was no intention at all. But there was also no brake on her, either, and she didn't stop to think how this would affect you at all.

 

Just as she didn't stop to consider the consequences of her cheating on you, the first time.

She has a selfish streak ("Look how happy I am!") and is inconsiderate of anybody else.

[tori0001]

Tara you seem very negative and lack empathy. JMHO. She only answered what he asked her.

[TaraMaiden]

Nearly 14,000 posts darling.

Stick around.

The truth will dawn on you too, after a while.

 

When it comes to emotions, people do what works for them.

Rarely do they ever put the other person FIRST.

[tori0001]

I think I learned a lot from my ex, and dating, on how men think and work. It least I hope I have anyway.

[TaraMaiden]

It's my perception that you didn't learn enough.....

 

Otherwise you would not have pined for him for as long as you did.

Moving on and maturing is part of the learning process.

 

Many of your sentiments are just that.

Sentimental.

That's the quickest way to an injured heart.

Because thinking with your heart, instead of your head, is the quickest way to get it broken.

[Treasa]

I've been on this site for years, and TaraMaiden is one of the few posters I have ALWAYS agreed with (sometimes while grumbling), learned a lot from, etc. She is one of the most compassionate, tough, thoughtful people here. She gives good advice and she doesn't mince words. She is not lacking in empathy. If anything, sometimes I worry she's giving too much of herself to people who just won't listen.

 

I think you could learn a thing or two from her. I think everyone could.

[Jose_ast24]

Thank you for taking the time to think and write about my situation. I guess I know Tara is right, and even if there Was a second chance it wouldn't work. It's very unlikely that she has changed. I did my self a great service by terminating the relationship and I should have done it way before. Being single may be tough when most of your friends are already married. I guess i feel lonely as I haven't found someone yet. Time for personal growth! Hope to keep strong because I' ve the feeling that she is going to try to hang out... Thanks

[TaraMaiden]

I've been on this site for years, and TaraMaiden is one of the few posters I have ALWAYS agreed with (sometimes while grumbling), learned a lot from, etc. She is one of the most compassionate, tough, thoughtful people here. She gives good advice and she doesn't mince words. She is not lacking in empathy. If anything, sometimes I worry she's giving too much of herself to people who just won't listen.

 

I think you could learn a thing or two from her. I think everyone could.

 

You're a sweet angel, and I really don't deserve such an accolade. It's just a question of evaluating things with a clear head.

Sadly, too many wonderful, hurt, broken and loveable people on here - don't have a clear head.

I'm just trying to use mine for them...

Bless your wonderful huge heart.

 

Thank you for taking the time to think and write about my situation. I guess I know Tara is right, and even if there Was a second chance it wouldn't work. It's very unlikely that she has changed. I did my self a great service by terminating the relationship and I should have done it way before. Being single may be tough when most of your friends are already married. I guess i feel lonely as I haven't found someone yet. Time for personal growth! Hope to keep strong because I' ve the feeling that she is going to try to hang out... Thanks

 

No Contact sucks.

it sucks because it's so absolute, so final and so thorough.

Worse than that - it works, which is a real bummer...

 

I wish you well, Jose_ast24, truly I do.

Stick around, see what others input, and use what you know to support others.

 

Thank you. Hugs.

[Cutiepie1976]

We dated for Two years. I broke up with her in march. We Kept seeing each other often till july. We had no contact at all for 5 months. She texted me on Christmas and I called her and told her to meet to catch up. We met last wednesday evening and had some drinks and diner toguether. She told me she is dating another guy and that things are going well with him. She also said that I'm very important in her life, that she loves me and that she would like to keep seeing me. Next day she emailed me a pic of our time toguether and telling how good those times were. Btw, all the time she called me by the pet ñame she used while dating. I'm very confused, i miss her and have feelings for her. Is she friendzoning me? Plotting revenge for dumping her in march? Do i still have chances with her? Thank you for your advice

 

Hi Jose!

 

You need to take a step back and think about what it is that you really want. Do you want your ex because you suddenly discovered she's taken and "unavailable?" Are you able to see the relationship you had for what it was? Over time, it's easy to slip on rose-colored glasses and forget the tough times. You broke up for a reason, if not a bunch of reasons. Have those issues been resolved? Or will they reappear like gremlins once you're back together, your nostalgia wears off, and the honeymoon ends? Breaking up is incredibly destructive when it comes to trusting someone and feeling secure about giving your heart to a partner. If you were both to agree to getting back together it will be a rocky road because you both betrayed each other's trust--her by cheating on you, and you by breaking things off (which btw was an appropriate thing to do, although you should have done so when you first found out, not months later...but I digress). Do you both have what it takes, and are you both sufficiently committed to a successful relationship with each other that you would be able to weather the rocky start? Be honest with yourself, and if the answer is no, then move on and stop all contact with her. You'll both just suffer through a painful exercise in futility and/or false starts.

 

Now for your questions:

#1 - Why did she text you?

My guess is she still has very strong feelings for you, feelings that so far have refused to disappear even though she has tried to move on after being dumped by you. It takes a lot to swallow your pride and reach out to someone months after he has rejected you. That's why she uses her pet name for you. That's why she agreed to get together for drinks. That's why she admitted to having feelings for you and told you point blank that she loved you. That's why she shared that you were still very important in her life. That's why she sent you pictures of you together. That's how she remembers you, and that's what she wants with you. In other words, right now the door is still open, if you're interested in a relationship with her.

 

You dumped her nine months ago. Like many, she is trying to move on and is now dating others. At some point she will give up hope.

 

#2 - Has she friend-zoned you?

Seriously?? Surely you aren't that clueless, dude. When was the last time you told some woman you had zero romantic interest in, "I love you" or, "You are very important in my life?"

 

#3 - Is this revenge?

Again, how are you getting this? If you think relationships are warfare you have much bigger issues than your current predicament. It would be healthiest to address those before dating anyone.

 

As to why she told you she was dating? Well, you asked!

...she didn't tell me about her new bf till I asked. We spent 4 hours toguether and she didn't talk about him at all. Only answered my questions.

What was she to do? Lie? Appear deceitful and dishonest by not answering the question? The only acceptable response is to be forthright and answer the question truthfully, especially given what led to your breakup. Anything less than complete honesty would indicate that she hadn't learned her lesson. Besides, you broke up nine months ago. You shouldn't have even asked the question IMO. Certainly not without thinking about how you would feel about likely responses.

 

At any rate, how things proceed is up to you at this point. She laid everything on the line and made it crystal clear she still loves you. The ball is ultimately in your court...but not forever. The longer you wait, the further along she will be in her recovery process--getting over her feelings for you, closing the door on the relationship, rebuilding her life to fill the void, and forming a solid connection to someone else.

 

Make whatever decision seems best for you, let her know (either way), and then stick with it. Since you invited her out for drinks and dinner, leaving her in limbo after she opened up to you would be slimy and cowardly IMO. Share your decision.

 

Best!

[Cutiepie1976]

I've been on this site for years, and TaraMaiden is one of the few posters I have ALWAYS agreed with (sometimes while grumbling), learned a lot from, etc. She is one of the most compassionate, tough, thoughtful people here. She gives good advice and she doesn't mince words. She is not lacking in empathy. If anything, sometimes I worry she's giving too much of herself to people who just won't listen.

 

I think you could learn a thing or two from her. I think everyone could.

 

Out of curiosity, why would you be active on a site like this for over seven years?

 

The value of a public forum like this is to get a wide variety of opinions, far more than we might get from our friends. Obviously, some will be a little more thoughtful than others, but to discredit the opinions of those with whom one might disagree, as has happened a few times on this thread, is counterproductive. (I realize you didn't start the critique.) Additionally, no human being is correct 100% of the time. We are all fallible! We all get it wrong at least occasionally.

 

It is ultimately up to each individual to review the various opinions and pick and choose those which make the most sense for the situation at hand, and which take into account his or her personal value system.

[TaraMaiden]

Actually, it's been 10 years or so. I just interrupted it for a few months....

 

Visited, liked it, thought I could help - stayed.

 

I've been involved in Relationships counselling and I'm like a pair of old slippers, or comfy armchair now....

The place has been overhauled a few times, but they just can't bear to get rid of me!

[Treasa]

Out of curiosity, why would you be active on a site like this for over seven years?

 

The value of a public forum like this is to get a wide variety of opinions, far more than we might get from our friends. Obviously, some will be a little more thoughtful than others, but to discredit the opinions of those with whom one might disagree, as has happened a few times on this thread, is counterproductive. (I realize you didn't start the critique.) Additionally, no human being is correct 100% of the time. We are all fallible! We all get it wrong at least occasionally.

 

It is ultimately up to each individual to review the various opinions and pick and choose those which make the most sense for the situation at hand, and which take into account his or her personal value system.

 

At the very beginning I needed advice. Actually, with this one guy I needed it a few times. I needed support. Since then it's been to either occasionally vent, or say what I did that I was proud of, even if it was hard. Otherwise, I do it to give back. Or pay forward, however you want to look at it.

 

I don't want anyone to experience what I experienced at one point in my life.

 

And I just don't think TaraMaiden should be labeled as someone without empathy. I tend not to attack, but I'll defend people I really like and respect against others' attacks. I'm kinda confrontational that way.