Lonely Ronin Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I'm not saying that you need a diagnosis and an official problem to correct something you consider a problem. I'm just saying that we don't have to send everyone to a psychiatrist for everything. That's what counselors are for, they are basically people that get you to talk and think about your issues. No leather couch, no drugs, just someone that's going to sit there and ask you questions and make you think about stuff in ways you normally wouldn't.
Shaun-Dro Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I think this is again my low self-esteem, but I would sometimes meet men that I classify as "out of my league". They are either very good looking or very successful or very confident and often the mix of all 3. As soon as I judge them as "better than me", and it's purely my instinct, I would freeze up around them. Even if they are indeed "out of my league", I am not sure how this mindset is helping me. Even if they are friendly or try to talk to me, I would block them by giving them one word answers and trying to avoid them. In truth, they just intimidate me. They are the very men I want to attract but I somehow sabotage myself. This happens even unrelated to dating. During my recent work Christmas dinner, I was randomly seated next to this older man. He was really engaging and we had a good laugh and conversation. Towards the end of the night, he was suddenly introduced to us as our new department director and he is actually a well known scientist that has won multiple awards. Upon learning this fact, the intimidation kicked in and I was suddenly unable to say a word to him for the rest of the night. It's like I somehow thought anything I said will be considered dumb or boring - so I said nothing. I also remember when my co-worker that ultimately became my closest friend at work joined us. He was extremely good looking (married), confident to the point of being cocky and intelligent. For the first 3 months, I was so intimidated by him that I blocked any of his attempts at conversation. I was extremely nervous and awkward around him. Then he was randomly seated next to me in the shared office, and due to circumstances - I eventually relaxed and let my guard down. He turned out out be one of sweetest and easiest to talk to people. A truly good man, devoted to his family, kind, sweet. We became great friends (and his wife is pretty awesome too). In life, there often isn't enough time to "relax around someone". You are given few encounters, if that - and you need to make the most of them. I often noticed that in OLD, I would avoid men that I perceived as "too good". I would never reply to their messages as I would think to myself "he is probably a player" or "he would never actually like me" and other self-defeating thoughts. So I gravitated towards meeting up with guys that I saw as "safe". It always turned out that I was never actually attracted to those "safe" guys. Recently a friend got sick of me meeting up with those OLD "losers" and searched for guys in my city that she thought were more appropriate for me. I checked out their profiles and each one of them is what I normally considered "too good" for me. However, I showed in their visitors list and few are attempting to initiate conversation with me and meet me. I already know that even if I push myself into meeting them; I would freeze up on the date and just come across as shy and awkward, unable to show them any of my personality. I wonder if anyone has any idea of how to overcome this. You are truly a headache in progress, do you know that?
TheBigQuestion Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 People with no training whatsoever and no formal evaluation of those seeking assistance are throwing around psychiatric diagnoses. That's certainly safe and responsible.
TheZebra Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 That's what counselors are for, they are basically people that get you to talk and think about your issues. No leather couch, no drugs, just someone that's going to sit there and ask you questions and make you think about stuff in ways you normally wouldn't. Which is fine. Frankly, I think we all need someone like this every once in a while... outsider looking in perspective can be a good eye-opener.
TheOneDude Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 As soon as I judge them as "better than me", and it's purely my instinct, I would freeze up around them. Even if they are indeed "out of my league", I am not sure how this mindset is helping me. Even if they are friendly or try to talk to me, I would block them by giving them one word answers and trying to avoid them. In truth, they just intimidate me. They are the very men I want to attract but I somehow sabotage myself. I apologize off the bat, I did not read the others responses, so it's very possible someone has mentioned this before me. The FIRST thought I had while reading your post was this: No one, I mean NO one, is ever "out of someone's league" or better than anyone else. Sure, looks are worth a lot to some people, education, wealth as well, but that is NEVER a reason to not talk to someone. It's a situation you cannot fix overnight. I know, I was the same way for a long time and wouldn't talk to good looking girls. You just have to let all of that negativity go. If you are sitting there in a bar, for instance, and you see a really good looking guy and catch his eye, and you start thinking, he's out of my league, stop yourself and say to yourself, No one is out of my league, I am more than good enough for this man. Give him the signs and if you're that nervous about initiating with him, let him come to you. Frankly, if a guy doesn't come up to you and ask you questions and make the initiative, he's not worth your time. Best of luck to you! 2
Ruby Slippers Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 What really helped me with getting over my fear of rejection is reading some Buddhist philosophy about the ego. It basically explains how and why no one is better than anyone else, and if you ever find yourself feeling superior or inferior to anyone, it's your ego talking. All people have value - some are cute, some smart, some funny, some nurturing, and so on. You have no more or less value than anyone, including any man you might date. Once I really internalized this idea, I could go out with anyone, no matter how handsome he was, how much money he had, or anything. Now - figuring out if a catch of a guy digs me as much as I dig him, if it's wise to invest in him? I'm still figuring that part out. 3
suladas Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I've been this way to. With my ex really bad, when we first met it was fine because it was just friends and even though she was hot never thought of her that way so it was really easy to talk to her. The more I got to liking her, then even knowing it was mutual the tougher it was talking to her. I don't think it was feeling not good enough, it was more trying to say the right thing, not say anything stupid, etc where as friends I just said whatever and didn't think twice.
Vercetti Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Don't be starstruck, maintain composure and interact like you would with anyone. If they are the type to use accolades to talk down to you, then they are not classy and are not worth idolizing or spending time with. If someone has you real jittery don't make direct eye contact when first encountering them ( look at forehead when doing first introduction, most people can't tell the difference ). Bite tongue / control breathing other such things. Let them talk and throw out a question or such, if they are from out of town offer them a fast-track to check out your cities land-marks / hot-spots. For those talking about anxiety its perfectly normal for someone to get butterflies when dealing with someone they find overtly desirable. Ignore the noise in your head or if its honestly to much look into getting a low mg valium prescription ( 1.5 / 2.5mg will not turn you into daffy duck ). Honestly that low dose is almost like a placebo, just takes the edge off. All in all it will become easier to deal with people the more you deal with people...wow this guy has some science awards, not as breathtaking if you ran into someone with a Grammy or a Academy award the week before. There is always a bigger fish. Majority of people encountered were always humble, after all your in awe of something they consider another day at the office or a natural talent. Most musicians and actors have enough brains to know they are not the only musician or actor on the planet, in fact many of them share the same heroes you have.
edgygirl Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Ignore the noise in your head or if its honestly to much look into getting a low mg valium prescription ( 1.5 / 2.5mg will not turn you into daffy duck ). Honestly that low dose is almost like a placebo, just takes the edge off. I've dated two famous guys and was never nervous... But on a first date with a guy I was really into last month I got ultra anxious. So took 1/2 Klonopin before the date. Had a glass of wine with him... Bad idea! Got so crazy that I couldn't behave like myself. Ended up in bed with him on the first date. See... I think for me it's more about how much I care about someone rather than his status I like the breathing idea Maybe some yoga before would go well too.
El Brujo Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 People with no training whatsoever and no formal evaluation of those seeking assistance are throwing around psychiatric diagnoses. That's certainly safe and responsible. And..? If people's mothers can fancy themselves more knowledgeable than any shrinks and MD's, why can't the rest of us?
KathyM Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I think what you have is a bit of a self esteem problem--you don't perceive yourself as good enough for these guys, and so you don't act confidently around them because you are afraid they will reject you. That is not Social Phobia (a/k/a Social Anxiety Disorder). With true Social Phobia, a person actually has significant fear of the anxiety-producing situation, and they have significant anxiety symptoms when in that feared situation (such as hyperventilation, racing heart, extreme sweating, nausea or digestive upset), or they may even have a panic attack. There is intense anxiety in people who have Social Phobia. Those are not the symptoms that the OP has described. She only becomes subdued because of fear of rejection, and that is more of a self esteem problem, which would be helped by therapy.
eleanorhurting Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 (edited) I've dated two famous guys and was never nervous... But on a first date with a guy I was really into last month I got ultra anxious. So took 1/2 Klonopin before the date. Had a glass of wine with him... Bad idea! Got so crazy that I couldn't behave like myself. Ended up in bed with him on the first date. See... I think for me it's more about how much I care about someone rather than his status I like the breathing idea Maybe some yoga before would go well too. omg this is not intended to be medical advice but... lay off the klonopin unless you have a real indication to take it and much more importantly don't mix the klonopin wiht alcohol! Seriously I think when I become a Dr I'm going to be such a party pooper. I'm going to be taking everyones benzos away. The opposite of what everyone thinks psychiatrists should be. I get super anxious too but I feel like going to therapy has helped. ES, I love therapy! I recommend it for everyone! Edited December 30, 2012 by eleanorhurting 1
edgygirl Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 lay off the klonopin Yes I was prescribed benzo through therapy when I went through divorce, ended up hooked for 2 years. Until I felt weird (kind of emotionless) and started reading how addictive they are and how in theory docs should only prescribe it for 1 month max in a crisis situation. I went through withdrawal but took them after that once in a blue moon when needed. After this ruined date I stopped it completely. I confronted the docs but it seems they all think it's normal to prescribe this s. for years. The more you have it against anxiety, the more anxious you become. You'll be a good doc
KungFuJoe Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I deal with this all the time. Most women, even attractive women, simply feel more comfortable with men who are average, in looks and achievement. I see them speaking freely with these guys totally at ease. These same girls lock up around me, and there is pretty much nothing I can do about it. I guess I could propose on the spot; confess my devotion, etc. But if we are talking about normal conversation, forget it. It can take months for these girls to unlock, unfreeze and relax a bit and be themselves. The only real solution is exposure and time. I'm often so burned out by these girls by then, I don't give a rat's a--. They've gone through a cycle of anger, fear, and other weirdness that I'm sure she's lost her mind. LOL. Please tell me you're just trolling and not really serious. LS is like stepping into the Twilight Zone...except instead of living mannequins and cookbooks we get people like xxanadu.
ScreamingTrees Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 OP's behavior sounds very familiar to me, honestly. I've also had plenty of supportive comments from posters here, some going so far as to suggest that I could easily be intimidating, but I have much more pessimistic thoughts on the matter. It'd be pretty dang funny in an ironic, depressing way if a lot of the girls that I've previously written off as totally disinterested and oblivious to my presence were actually somehow INTIMIDATED by me..
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