MoreThanThat Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I've been involved off/on for over 5 years with someone long distance. Things just aren't working and moving to the next stage. I've had a few short-term involvements around that. None of them local. I'm away several months a year and when I'm home, I prefer to focus on work and have my own space. About 3 weeks ago, I was introduced online to someone through a mutual friend. The guy lives 5 minutes away. Great connection. Over the next few days, we were in constant contact through the day/night online/phone. We have seen each other live, but not in person. A few times he suggested meeting. Once was when I mentioned I had to run and do some errands and he asked if I wanted company. The other two times were asking me out. I mentioned I was going to go to an event out of town in late spring as part of a conversation and he said he'd love to go with me. Early in the new year, I'm going away for a couple of months and he asked me how long I was going to be gone. When he found out how long, he suggested he fly there for a few days. (This is 2500 miles each way!) He's considerably younger but the same age as the person I've been off/on with. He also seems more the relationship type than simply dating. Anyhow, between the time it was taking (during a busy time for me with work), the holidays coming up and being super busy and then his acting like he was in a relationship with me when we'd not even met, I asked him if he could back down on the meeting and future talk until after the holidays were over so that we could just get to know one another better. I DID realize I really cared for him already. I get men approaching me daily in social media. This was very different. I've been online a couple decades now, seen a lot etc. But all together, I felt the need to tread cautiously. After I told him this, he seemed to get it. He did ask me if I was interested and I said yes but then told him teasingly to f/o when he asked me WHY. It seemed like the conversation ended okay. BUT..... He disappeared after this. Not a single word. He's everywhere on social media and hasn't been on. This is 2 weeks now. Usually he's one of those people who shares everything going on, photos, tagging friends, etc. Mutual friends said he is out and about offline. I had no clue he was going to disappear. The day after the convo, I had messaged him a one liner (related to a discussion we had). Then 2 days later, another one liner joking about him disappearing. I've had lots of female friends who have had guys pull disappearing acts for various reasons. Usually in lieu of dealing with the tough aspects of closure. I know male friends who have done this too. I also know of some women who have. I usually have a pretty good handle on understanding men. But I'm lost here. Am I being naive to think that this isn't about closure but him just thinking he is giving me space under the assumption that is what I really wanted? Yup, this is bothering me and taking up too much thinking time. I'm doing my own thing and with each day, it's coming to mind less and less but it's still there. Any words of wisdom?
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Give up. Forget it, move on. Care less. You can't second guess someone else's actions and all this is doing is giving you a daily Mind-pukk. Back off completely and go AWOL. If he comes back, take it form there. If he doesn't - perfect opportunity to see it for what it is. A no-brainer.
Author MoreThanThat Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 lol thanks - what I needed to hear/read
veggirl Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 WTH? What a weirdo. He lives 5 min away and instead of asking you on a date he asks if he can come with you to run errands or meet you in a city 2500 miles away?! Ignore him if he tries to get back in touch (he prob will) and honestly...get the meeting stuff out of the way before deciding if you are interested and all that. 3 weeks is too long to just be chatting online.
Fondue Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 A few times he suggested meeting. Once was when I mentioned I had to run and do some errands and he asked if I wanted company. The other two times were asking me out. He asked you to meet up three times, and you refused all three. I would have disappeared after the first!
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 He asked you to meet up three times, and you refused all three. I would have disappeared after the first! Agreed! He clearly wasn't a priority among all your meetings and whatnot. We make time for those things and people who matter to us. If dating isn't a priority for you, don't be surprised when you encounter this type of behavior and have difficulty getting to a relationship.
Divasu Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Him: A few times he suggested meeting Once was when I mentioned I had to run and do some errands and he asked if I wanted company. The other two times were asking me out. I mentioned I was going to go to an event out of town in late spring and he said he'd love to go with me. When he found out how long, he suggested he fly there for a few days. You: I asked him if he could back down on the meeting and future talk until after the holidays were over so that we could just get to know one another better. Any words of wisdom? Wait until after the holidays and then suggest going out.
Author MoreThanThat Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 Thanks guys for the comments/suggestions. To be honest, I was a bit po'd at a couple remarks but it did help me get a better idea of what he may have been feeling. I KNOW he is looking for something serious/lt in general. If he and I had come across each other at another time of the year or point of my life, this would have been different. But having JUST ended a 5 1/2 year relationship, I took on extra work and made plans with friends and family for when I wasn't working. Most of the extra work was giving staff extra time off - something I've never done since I always have either been in a relationship or married at the holidays (I was married for 10 years). It's kind of difficult to say to someone, no you have to cancel your plans because I have a date. If his behavior with me had been different - lighter perhaps - going out for a coffee or something casual would have been fine. But the way he talked made me feel if we did meet and things went well, it would have been zooming things along at a pace I really didn't feel ready for.
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Ahhh! Thanks for the clarification. If you're looking for something short-term and casual, then your behavior was consistent with that. His was consistent with someone who is serious about dating and finding a relationship. You were not going to be a match. Don't contact him again. You'll just frustrate each other and things will go nowhere. One suggestion, if I may: if you're busy, explain that you're busy, and why, the first time he asks for a date, and then schedule something concrete during that conversation. I have scheduled things up to six weeks later when a guy asks for a date. I date a lot, and only once have I encountered someone who got upset that I couldn't schedule a date sooner than he wanted (within the week vs. three weeks out). Most guys are understanding. The approach you took (beg/call for a date in the New Year and maybe I might grant you one if you jump through the right hoops) may often feel like you are playing games to a near stranger. Being transparent about what you want relationship-wise and what is happening in your life will really make dating more enjoyable. Enjoy single life!
Author MoreThanThat Posted January 3, 2013 Author Posted January 3, 2013 So an update. I realized by just posting here how much this was bothering me and early Monday I messaged him that I thought the disconnect was not cool, I didn't want an explanation and then removed him from my online networks and blocked his phone. He sent me a friend request on Facebook and messaged me this morning. I ignored it. A couple messages after offering to explain. I haven't responded. The only thing that is making me consider listening is that apparently for the last 3 weeks he had cut himself off from everyone and not just me. Whatever. Perhaps he does have a legitimate (in his mind) reason but it goes to trust. If something that can happen that results in him not contacting me for 3 weeks, then I'd have this in the back of my mind if I just let it go. I am feeling sad and disappointed. Ahhh! Thanks for the clarification. If you're looking for something short-term and casual, then your behavior was consistent with that. His was consistent with someone who is serious about dating and finding a relationship. You were not going to be a match. Don't contact him again. You'll just frustrate each other and things will go nowhere. One suggestion, if I may: if you're busy, explain that you're busy, and why, the first time he asks for a date, and then schedule something concrete during that conversation. I have scheduled things up to six weeks later when a guy asks for a date. I date a lot, and only once have I encountered someone who got upset that I couldn't schedule a date sooner than he wanted (within the week vs. three weeks out). Most guys are understanding. The approach you took (beg/call for a date in the New Year and maybe I might grant you one if you jump through the right hoops) may often feel like you are playing games to a near stranger. Being transparent about what you want relationship-wise and what is happening in your life will really make dating more enjoyable. Enjoy single life! I don't do casual. But I had just ended a relationship and had a really full plate along with a lot of stresses. I had been clear with him in terms of when I felt the timing would be better. As an FYI - I hadn't mentioned this before but our original contact was about business. I'm in a small community and he's about the only option for something I need done within my business. That just added to the reasons why I didn't want to potentially get more involved with him personally in the short-term. It was also why I was surprised that he disappeared like that.
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