happyeverafter Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Hi everyone, I was wondering if I could get some advice on what I should do Long story cut short, Dated for 3 years (mostly long distance), got engaged and then I broke it off for reasons that r so stupid when i look back on it. We were broken up for 2 years but still in touch (texting on almost daily basis, as friends as I was still one of his closest friend and he went thru death of his mum and currently his dad has terminal illness) During this time I dated someone else, but realised that my ex was the one for me and we have recently decided to give it another go (Long distance again as I'm unable to move due to my job) He says that he still loves me but is not 'in love' with me. that he still thinks that i am the one for him. but cuz i have hurt him that he needs to rebuild the trust in me. I don't think i ever stopped loving him either. My question is, How do i make him fall back 'in love' with me again. I know exactly what he means as when I was dating someone else I still loved him but wasn't 'in love' with him. but somehow i think i've fallen back in love with him. When i read back to the emails, letter from when we were together before, it makes me sad cuz I can tell that he really loved me. and I get scared that maybe I've blown it for good and maybe he will not fall back in love with me, and we won't have the happy after...... I know you need to try and see the person as much to fall in love with someone which is made hard cuz of the distance, and he doesnt' seem all that keen to do skype/frequent phone calls as he says he is content with the constant msging that we do and that he has plenty of photos of me etc. His mind is very pre-occupied currently with his dad's illness so i think it's also a major factor as well. (We do know each other very well, have known each other for 7 yrs in total now) If anyone has been in similar situation before, or even went thru similar patch whilst married etc, would really appreciate any advice on what I could do to bring that feeling back for him again. Thanks everyone
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 It sounds to me as if you are both each others' 'fall-back' love. I don't think you're either of you, in true love. I think you both go back to the familiar when the occasion arises. This is never going to work - not fully, passionately and in any way that implies long-term commitment. You can't make him fall back in love with you - I think you've just become familiar accessories to one another, which is a nice, easy state to slip back into. Really, you want advice? Admit to yourself that this is to skewed to ever function properly, and just agree to be friends, with no exclusivity, and enjoy each others' company. But a relationship? A fixed, solid, committed relationship? Not a happening thing. Now, or ever.
Gottabestrong Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Falling back in love with each other is going to be difficult if you don't see each other face to face. Can you plan a trip to see him or him to come see you? And if so, try not to pressure him during the trip with talk about the relationship or whether he feels in love with you already, but instead just be the girl that he fell in love with and try to have a good time. After you see each other, you will be able to tell if 'the spark' is still there and if you both want more than a close friendship from each other. Good luck! 2
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 That won't work. She will charm him into bed - and before you know it, a FWB situation is born!
tori0001 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 You have no idea of what will work and not work unless they try. IMHO, with enough time spent together, you can get those feelings back. Good luck in what ever you choose. 1
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Tori, dearest, are you going to follow me around all day posting illusory comments simply because you don't want me to be right? Carry on petal, knock yourself out. But unfortunately, time spent here, and experience in Counselling tells me otherwise. I'm 55 and have had a long time to see these processes pan out. And sad to say - I'm rarely wrong.... I wish, I really wish, I could say otherwise. but it ain't so.
tori0001 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 My last comment under yours today, love hurts, and guard your heart. Love can also be a beautiful thing to.
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Love is a wonderful thing - but if you read carefully, as illustrated in the above post, love comes in all manner of different guises. His 'n' hers here, are quite different.... Love need not hurt if practised correctly. Guard your heart? in that case, you might as well say - never be a fool to fall in love. Ah yes. Poetry is a wonderful thing but sadly, life rarely copies art.
Author happyeverafter Posted December 30, 2012 Author Posted December 30, 2012 Thanks for your replies. we've talked it out and it's not really about 'me' so to speak but about what he is going thru at the moment. (His dad is dying from the illness and his mum only passed away a yr ago) btw he is only in his late 20s. He feels like he has a lot on his plate and that all his emotions and time is invested into his dad. I understand that this may not be the best time for him to have to worry about relationships and will try and be there for him and support him. Btw Taramaiden, we're not each other's 'fall back' option. It is like 1000x times harder to be with each other than to be with someone else. (distance, timing etc) and also please don't be judgemental and assume that I'm some kind of a easy girl that will just charm him into bed. You can come across as rather harsh and judgemental and bitter in ur replies sometimes. Maybe you think you have experiences to justify it but everyone is different and every situation is different like others have said.
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 It's my posting style. You know, over the years, I've tried to change it - tackled different approaches, made efforts to say things differently... Can't change it. It's the way I post. Sorry if it rubs you up the wrong way, but my style often doesn't change what's happening in front of me. I have been wrong - and when I've been proved wrong - I apologise. but all too often - and I wish so hard it wasn't so - I'm eventually proved right. Every situation may have different protagonists, but too many of the scenarios bear striking similarities. However, I hope to be proved wrong, and I hope you guys can sort this out for yourselves. Be well. Happy New year, too.
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