Exitleft Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Happy birthday. Your diary is very relatable and heartfelt. Hope you feel better soon. 1
mishy Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) Bubs I am not sure of anyone has mentioned this, but it's really crucial that you have a period in your life where you are single by choice. Not by breakup, but by choice. The thing is if you continue in relationships one after the other, with just painful heartache in between you are never going to get to know yourself. It would be frightening to continue being in relationships and then at 40 or 50 suddenly find yourself single and really not having any idea how to be alone, or have any idea who you really are as a single person. You don't want the times that you are single to be just times of heartache and pain just because you have ended a relationship. You need to be single deliberately and be happy being single. I am saying this because I have seen it happen. I know girls who got married at 18 after being with the same guy since about 15 and now they are early 40s, kids have left home, husband has run off win someone younger and there they are alone, with no sense of identity, or any clue how to be independent. It is scary scary stuff but this is what happens when you are in a relationship since you are 14 or 15 Edited February 22, 2013 by mishy
Author BUBS Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Mishy- i agree with you and know that i absolutely need to have a period to which im single by choice and need to gain some self identity. Ive mentioned before how ive realized how dependent on relationships i am. Ive been in two serious relationships that lasted most of my life since i was of age to make decisions of my own. I had a 1 year stint of being purely single but even then there were exciting prospects to keep me entertained and i was young and put that dependency on my friends. Its really difficult for me to know where to even begin when it comes to enjoying or embracing being single. I have always stood in love...its the only thing i do know about myself...the only thing Im good at. I dont want to ever be put in a situation like this again, where i not only have to deal with heartache, but a loss of identity or the realization that i neber had one to begin with. I just dont know what to do to convince myself of what you mentioned, that im ok on my own let alone happy. I never did get a response on his family. It took a great deal of discipline tp not follow up with a question mark or something to show how aggitating it was for him to initiate a conversation only to drop it. I also had bad dreams about him last night. I need to resurrect myself so terribly... Im not sure if im healing or just learning how to put stuff aside only to be bombarded with it later.
Kaza Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 It is definitely not the only thing you're good at!! You're worth much more and can be so much more. If you don't know what you enjoy then try new things out and see if you like it. Spend money that you'd never usually spend to do something nice for yourself. Could be something not too expensive like getting some of your favourite cake or something more expensive like a massage or facial. I never used to spend money on unnecessary things, but doing that temporarily helped me. Like buying new clothes and buying my favourite cake, and then feeling independent because its my money and I'm spending it on myself as opposed to spending it to do something nice for him.
cavalier99 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Im not sure if im healing or just learning how to put stuff aside only to be bombarded with it later. I understand where you coming from. I cant really tell if I'm doing better or not recently. Before it was very obvious i was improving. Now there seem to be other struggles that I'm not even sure relate to the BU but that is where the blame goes. Unlike you i have been single before in my adult life but because my RS was 8 years i am probably having some of the same struggles. It is difficult adjusting to being single and filling the time in. And more importantly being happy about it. It think well get there. You have made progress. I can see it in your posts. This is truly more about us now and not our EX'S Now, about breaking NC. Don't do it anymore. There is no need to be cordial. This seems to be your Achilles heel. I know you have done everything under the sun to recover. But you respond very quickly to any text he sends. You should stop. It just gives your brain more info to mull over. Not good for you. Cav
Author BUBS Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Kaza- i have been trying to invest in things i enjoy lately but about of me feels guilty about spebding money. For some reason ive hardwired myself to believe that the only thing i should be doing is saving money to get a place so i can get my dog back from him. I saw a picture he posted of my dog a while back and i had a breakdown. I just want my life to go back; throw this sucker in reverse. Cav-ur right i do jump into responding to his texts quickly...its rare that i even have to deal with it because lately aside from the birthday thing he hasnt said a word to me. I do need to stop but i manipulate myself to believe that by being civil it will make having to see him again months from now to get my things less painful and awkward. Thank you for acknowledging my improvment. I agree with you that before i did see myself improving and now i almost feel like ive gotten worse in different ways. I struggle to accept it. To fibd any purpose in this life and like you said it has more to do with me but i relate it to the break up and him...the anger,resentment and pain is still very much there...like i said no matter how much i mull over the reasons why breaking up was justified, the good,the bad, the psychology behind it...i cannot get to the point where i accept whats happened, which is crucial to heal...instead i just deal with the fact that it happened by breaking down and exhausting myself trying to lift my spirits again. I want off this emotional roller coaster.
Author BUBS Posted February 26, 2013 Author Posted February 26, 2013 It's amazing how much the pain comes from self sabotage. I really admire people who are able to combat their thoughts. I am taking responsibility for a great deal of the pain I currently feel, as it seems I am almost bringing it upon myself. I get myself worked up wondering if 10 years down the line I'll wake up one night and wish I could go back, feel a pining like I do now. I experienced this 3 years ago randomly while in a happy relationship... and it bugged me out to the point that I messaged my ex fiance, which in turn led to another relationship with him. I fear that no one will live up to the feeling I had with him, that it will be phony... that enough time will pass where I am able to be "happy" in a relationship without remembering entirely that I was "happier" at some point with him. I'm afraid I'll rip myself off of being truly happy in order to feel the comfort of a loving relationship. I've been really insecure since the break up. I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this or not. To me now that he has left, he looks like a golden god. So does my other ex actually. I question whether I got lucky. My ex boyfriend was voted best looking in highschool, yet the girl he is dating that got him over me I'm told is less attractive than me. All of my ex fiances girlfriends were less attractive than me (though I'm not sure what the new one looks like)... but for some reason despite this I feel I'm not in the league to date attractive men any longer... like I said, that I got lucky, and that I really am not as attractive as I thought I was. When I look in the mirror I don't like what I see since the break up. Is this weird?
Author BUBS Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Totally going nuts tonight. I wish it would just stop.
Author BUBS Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Just got a letter from the telephone company that was supposed to switched into his name two months ago saying they were going to terminate it for being overdue... It's frustrating that its still in my name despite me filling the paperwork to switch it over, and more frustrating that he is so careless with the one thing that my credit still sits on. The most frustrating thing is now I have to break no contact to tell the kid to get on it and be a grown ass man who remembers to pay the freakin bills.
Author BUBS Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 I haven't looked at the engagement ring in months. It's been sitting in several boxes under my bed tucked away so I would have to go through hell before looking at it. Unfortunately this is our anniversary month, and the ring has a lifetime warranty that requires me to bring it in for a cleaning. I've been dreading this month since the break up. Sure enough I chose today to pull it out... against my better judgement I put it on my finger, and a flood of feelings came over me. I looked at myself in the mirror with it on, and just cried. This stupid ring symbolizes a time and place where I was far more at peace than I currently am... where I wasn't a cynic... wasn't bitter... where I had faith in myself, my life and humanity. I stared at my sunken eyes, my pale skin and ratty hair... and remembered a time when I wore this ring with poise and dignity, more importantly a smile. All I could think was "What have I become? and where am I going to go now?". In a week it will be 5 months since the break up, 6 since we started having issues. I haven't been feeling the greatest emotionally lately, but I'm pretty sure this has more to do with the way I perceive my life without him lately rather than him in general. The anger and resentment is still there, but more than anything lately I miss him in a genuine way. It's hard to explain that feeling when I've been saying I missed him all along, but up until recently I missed the companionship, and now I just miss him. Needless to say, today is more than a ****ty day.
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