Trying to reconcile with ex, is she even interested?

[Fieldfair]

Need some advice, if anyone can offer their feedback. I've been broken up with GF of 5 years for 1 year now. We own a house together and were at a point where we were both agreed it was a permanent thing, though we had a rough time of it (probably why we're not together now).

 

I will spare all the details and just get to where I am now. Sorry in advance if it comes out a bit long. I've been living apart from her and for the most part, I have not initiated contact and been slow about returning calls and texts. Ex would call fairly frequently to check up on me, invite me up, etc. When I did start going back to the house, things were good though platonic. No talk about anything in terms of the future or the past. She's good at being guarded and bottled up, and I'm hesitant in communicating with her. I did get her to say that she misses me at times, gets lonely, thinks I should spend more time at the house. We even graduated to sleeping in the same bed again a few times (no intimacy though).

 

I started to get clarity and had feelings of wanting to reconcile. Unfortunately, due to our bad communication skills, I think I triggered fights (mostly when she'd say something that would indicate that I wasn't involved in her life anymore, though she probably was just saying things innocently, e.g., talking about having friends over for dinner, or doing something to decorate the house) on a subsconscious level to get a reaction out of her (some reaction being better than indifference, I guess).

 

So at that point I had no indication either way that she was completely done or that she might be thinking we'd get back together. After one fight I walked out and basically went No Contact for about 3 months. She tried to get in touch with me, even calling my folks when she hadn't heard from me. I think the time I actually got back in touch with her was when she was at a flea market and found some collectible or other she thought she might buy for me.

 

I went back up to the house about 2 months ago at her invitation. Everything was fine until again I triggered an argument out of nowhere for the same reasons as before. Knowing I couldn't keep doing this, I called her to let her know I either wanted closure (where we would just split permanently, disentangle ourselves financially) or work things out because I missed her and wanted to try again, for real this time. She was a little taken aback, said she had to really think about it and would call me.

 

Well, she called me but to invite me to cut down a Christmas tree with her, like we'd done the past 3-4 years. Everything was fine, NO discussion about anything. Then I got angry and told her she was ignoring the issue and I pushed it.

 

She said my approach was bad, that I need to relax, that she's not ready to have that discussion yet, and that just because I want to work things out they don't just get fixed. And also that I'd not been around and that I "couldn't stand" her when I split. Well, I kept pushing and she basically was angry.

 

I decided to write a note just clarifying what I was looking for. I even thought to send flowers to apologize and let her know I agree my approach was wrong and I wanted to mend things. She was appreciative but the next time I saw her she just ignored it again. She then started a fight with me I felt was like intentional on her part. And I left very hurt and visibly upset, and left her a message saying I'd leave her alone and don't worry about fixing things, that I was making a mistake.

 

But then she apologized via email (which she never does) literally the first thing the next morning, saying she feels terrible about it, didn't mean it when she said she doesn't want to see me anymore and couldn't stand me and that "I don't want to hurt you." Of course, I couldn't accept that as is and argued with her, which got her to open up and tell me she has a lot of resentment, that I made her feel unworthy of marriage (I put it off because of our issues which was probably the best thing at the time but I know I went about it the wrong way, as our arguments could get ugly ona verbal level). And, throwing a bone to me said, if she sees real change, then "we'll see what happens".

 

So, getting to the present here, I went up one more time and decided to leave it alone. Things were fine again. No trace of the argument. I decided as a first step, taking her seriously, to get more involved with the house and the bills. I took a look at our account and saw some stuff that rubbed me the wrong way. Like an IDIOT, I got all dramatic and all my anxieties came out in a call to her, that I couldn't trust her, that I wouldn't be surprised if she was not faithful, and that I know she's probably dated someone and is going to replace me, because she doesn't care about me.

 

Well, this got her very ANGRY, and I know it's justified, because it was baseless. I just screwed up, same as when we had our relationship, and blurted out things from a position of anger and and and anxiety and fear.

 

So she told me to leave her alone because she had a big 2 week vacation for end of year and Christmas coming up (she's overworked and stressed at her job, so this was a big focus for her). And I did. I did send an email with a brief but profuse apology and left a message on Christmas to wish happy holidays. In the argument she threw the "getting back together" thing in my face, that "If I were trying to get back together, I would've done this or not done that." And that I was "digging my grave" with her in that respect.

 

She called me 2 days ago asking me if I wanted to talk about something since I had contacted her. I said no, so she said if there's nothing I want to talk about she's gonna go. I texted her today to let her know I needed to drop by the house to pick something up (which I do). Well she called, pretty angry asking me not to come by until her vacation was up and that she's really pissed and not in a good place with me and would rather I not "push myself" on her at the moment. I told her fine, I'll lay off but I'm not trying to push right now. A big thing with her has been that she's not ready to discuss these things yet, and hates being pushed.

 

Also, she's made it such a boogeyman issue, that I don't even know how to try and work my way back since she's so "I won't talk about this right now".

 

I've been depressed through this whole thing and it's been a crossroads for me in a lot of ways, for my life in general. I actually just got back into therapy just to try and sort things out.

 

Now I know I screwed up royally this last week or so, in terms of the accusations. I know that, and I'm kicking myself. And I know I have to lay off, basically because I have no choice. But I guess the question I have is based on what little I've said, does it seem even that she has any sort of even potential interest in working things out at some point? I'm just so bad at reading things about her. I want to fight for her and our relationship, but I'm also realistic in that if there's absolutely zero chance, then there is no reason to try.

 

She's never been shy about speaking her mind and she could've told me, especially when angry (when everything comes out, no matter how vicious) that she's just completely done and we need to just be friends for the sake of financial considerations. She's also a guarded person emotionally and doesnt like to look vulnerable. I think for me the worst feeling right now is one of indifference, which is worse than even hate or spite. It feels like 5+ years, and even when things are friendly, am I just the equivalent to some random friend of hers now, like nothing ever went on between us.

 

Anyway, sorry for going on but any feedback is appreciated.

[xpaperxcutx]

The worst thing the both of you can do is buy a house together outside of a marriage. You guys are not necessarily tied down by love ( although I'm sure it feels that way) and unfortunately, from the sounds of things this relationship has run it's course. The both of you are trying to force an issue but there is an enormous barrier especially since no matter how hard you tried to get back with her, she will throw you the resentment card back in your face.

 

Think about it. 5 years together and it's boiled down to conversations that burst into fiery arguments. It doesn't matter who starts it, but there is no clean slate especially with such long history.

 

You need to move on. Reconciliation is out of the question if you hope to retain your sanity. Maybe sometime further down in the future, you can hope to maintain the occasional holiday greetings with her, but for now, you may want to resolve the house issue and start healing and moving on.

 

I wish you the best.

[Gottabestrong]

She might have been open to reconciliation in the past, but after all the fights you caused and all the yelling and accusing it does not sound like she wants anything to do with you right now.

 

My advice: give the girl some space and don't contact her in any way, shape or form for a while. If you really need your things from the house urgently, then wait for her vacation to be over and send her a short text or email asking when would be a good time for you to come by. Then pick up your stuff and leave.

[Fieldfair]

She might have been open to reconciliation in the past, but after all the fights you caused and all the yelling and accusing it does not sound like she wants anything to do with you right now.

 

My advice: give the girl some space and don't contact her in any way, shape or form for a while. If you really need your things from the house urgently, then wait for her vacation to be over and send her a short text or email asking when would be a good time for you to come by. Then pick up your stuff and leave.

 

I think I may have oversimplified and compressed the last month or so, that it seems it was nothing but me starting arguments. In reality, I started the one argument after I pressed her on talking about the state of our future. The next week was the argument she started, which she sent a big apology over. Admittedly I didn't let the apology go over, which was dumb. But at that point things still seemed OK in that I was over the next weekend and everything was quite OK, except for a couple points where she got moody for no reason, which is something she's always done and just sucks the air out of the room for me.

 

Obviously I royally screwed up with the freak-out over the bank account (and to be honest, I have some very legitimate concerns, I just went about it the worst possible way and then some).

 

I did speak to her last night and she said she was in a bad place with me right now and that if I've got to go over and it isn't an emergency, then to do it after work.

 

I've got a lot of thoughts whirling around, but one thing that does bug me is that she's always been a very dominating person so even assuming I can make some headway or come back from the last argument, and make changes in my own life, I don't think I could ever count on her to make changes in how she deals with me.

 

I do think not being around for several months in the Summer might have killed any momentum. But then again, I could say there's no momentum to have built on.

 

Putting aside my current status with her, I do wish I could have a microphone that hears her thoughts on all of this, from the time I moved out a year ago. Anyway, sorry for rambling. But I think my only option to preserve my own sanity and dignity may be just to tell her I think it's a better idea to just end contact permanently and get to a point where we either sell the house or I could at least sell out my interest in our house. And oh the fight that will cause, because she's got this bizarre sense of chivalry where I wouldn't be surprised if she expects me to keep paying into the house for the next 25 years because, "that's the agreement we had when we bought it."

 

I dunno, getting sick of thinking about it.