femmefatale123 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 My story is a little long, but I will try to be succinct as possible. I started dating a guy in January 2012. He is 61 now, and I am 39. He has been divorced for 15 years (his wife cheated on him and married the guy a year later right after they divorced), and he hasn't really dated anyone seriously. I was married for 16 years, separated for about 3 (until my husband turned 65 and I could take him off my insurance) and divorced now for about 3 months. My boyfriend has 3 adult children from a first marriage: a son who is 30, a daughter who is 27, and a son who is 24, who attends college 2 hours away and has an apartment there but still lives with him some. I have met all of them and get along with them well. I have no biological children. Things have been pretty good between us. We spend every weekend together. He did break up with me in August, but he wanted to get back together in November. He told me he had freaked out. He said I was "beautiful and intelligent and perfect" and it all "seemed too good to be true." He said the age difference didn't have anything to do with it, but I think it may have. He said he was afraid I thought of him as just a "fling," although I had seen him for 6 months. As I said, I was going through a divorce from a man from whom I had been separated for a few years. When we got back together, though, it was his idea. He pursued me. He told me he had thought about me every day while we were apart, and he thought, "this woman has taken part of my soul." He said he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me and hadn't felt that way about anyone else. The holidays have put some stress upon our "relationship," however. After we spent last weekend together, he told me he didn't want me to spend the night while his daughter (who is 27) was there because it was "awkward" and he hadn't figured out how to "handle it," plus they like to do stuff alone together. I have, by the way, spent the night when one or both of his sons were there and he had no problem with that. He said when he went to visit her (she lives about 750 miles from him), her boyfriend didn't spend the night with her. So I accommodated him. He did ask me to go to a Christmas Eve service with them Monday night, a movie Tuesday night on Christmas night, and out to eat with them Wednesday night on the night after Christmas. Yesterday, though, (Thursday) I didn't hear from him all day until I texted him about 4 p.m. and asked him how his day went. He said, "Pretty lazy. U?" I told him the same, but I kind of had the holiday blues since my brother and sister left. A little later I texted and asked if he wanted to get together and watch a movie, and he texted me an hour later, saying he was going to hang out with his daughter after she got back from dinner a little later, since that was the only time they had together. She's been here for 4 days, though! However, again, I respected that, even though I really wanted to have someone special with whom to do something. Tonight, he's invited me to dinner at his house. His oldest son dabbles in gourmet cooking, and his parents, who are in the 80s and seem to like me, will be there. I have a gift for them, and I had already agreed to go, but I sent him a text earlier, saying that the weather forecast isn't looking great (maybe some ice) and I might be tempted to drink too much wine and don't want to drive home on potentially icy roads. He texted back, "I understand." I called a little later, saying I might drop off his parents' gift but hadn't decided on staying for dinner, especially since he probably didn't want me to stay the night. He said, "Yeah, that wouldn't be a good idea tonight." We usually spend Friday and Saturday nights together. So I could come and drink wine and eat dinner, and then even if the roads were icy, I'd have to drive 15 miles to my home? He did call me back a little while ago and say that I could spend the night in his daughter's room, since she usually sleeps on the couch. I don't get it. I love this guy, but even though he invited me to some things during the holidays, I have felt excluded to some extent. He said he had to build his schedule around them for the week. (I am a teacher and have the whole two weeks off.) He told me that he does focus a lot on his children, and he thinks that might have been detrimental to his first marriage with the mother of the children, probably even led to its "demise." I know he still caters to them. His oldest (who is 30) recently wrecked the automobile he had bought for him, and he was trying to figure out how to handle that, whether to buy him a new one or not. His daughter (27) is the most responsible child, and has a job as a teacher, but she is working on a master's degree, and he is paying her tuition. His youngest, who is 24 is in college and plays in a band, but he gets all of his support from his father. He contributes nothing really. I guess my fear is in where the relationship is going. Don't get me wrong: I just got out of a divorce a few months ago and don't want to get married again in the next month or two. But I might want to eventually--or to live with someone I love. And I don't know if that's an option here. I'm afraid to ask, too. I want to be in a relationship, not just "date" someone. It's hard to do that when there's sporadic communication. (He texts me mostly, and is pretty good about it--until he's "busy," during which time I sometimes I don't get a text until later in the day.) I want someone who wants to be with me--as more than a "weekend girlfriend" or only when it's convenient for him and his schedule, someone I can rely on and talk to when I'm having a bad day. (I mainly only see him on weekends.) I want someone who "misses" me sometimes when we aren't together and who makes me feel special, someone who treats me as a priority and not an option. Am I being childish or immature or high maintenance? Is it wrong of me to feel this way? And please don't bash me. I've been married since I was 22, only recently divorced, and am kind of naive about relationships, I guess. I think one thing I feel is that even though he has introduced me to his adult children and made me part of their lives, he doesn't in some ways want them to think that he's moved on, especially when it comes to having me around and perhaps sharing the same bed with me--especially when it comes to his daughter. But, geez, she's 27 years old!
Janesays Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 It's probably the age thing, honesty. You being around his daughter (who you're closer in age with than him) just may make him feel like a pervert. Or maybe he's just afraid shell think he's a perv or you may start to notice HIS age more when you see him interact with his kids. I don't think you're wrong to feel snubbed, but I honestly just think he's trying to SLOWLY get his children, you and maybe even himself used to seeing you're relationship as romantic and healthy instead of the older perv/ younger woman stuff. Honestly, I'd just give it some time.
newmoon Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 your relationship sounds fine... he is obviously very attached to the daughter and is trying to be 'proper' while she and his parents are in town - that is totally understandable regardless of her age (27). you're at a disadvantage by not having kids of your own because you won't be able to really 'get' just how much influence adult kids can have on their parents and, especially, how much influence an adult daughter can have. since it's the holidays you definitely should respect his need to be with his kids and parents over you, especially since they live far away and you've only been together a short period of time. i wouldn't expect nights over or day dates while family is around. since you ex was also much older it's not an age issue for you, but it might be for his family; maybe you could even divulge that bit about yourself the next time you meet them - letting them know you're recently divorced from a 65 year old might actually make them feel better; that you're not after their dad for money or whatever - they could think that, who knows. since you're fresh out of a divorce you're probably eager for this man's attention and affection, and that might be why you're upset he's not with you more often right now. just chill.. take it slow and respect that he might need longer to develop the relationship. go out to some holidays events (alone) and have a good time :-)
xpaperxcutx Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 (edited) I have to agree that age is one of the bigger factors especially since his children are less than a decade apart from you in terms of age . He may like dating you but he may still have some hesitations when it comes to being affectionate with you in front of his family, which is why he doesn't want you sleeping over. Furthermore, he is a father of three children, whether they are adults or not is not the question, but the fact that he is financially supporting them mean he's going to make his family a priority and delegate you to second place. This only means that you have two options to accept: he's probably not going to be as fully attentive as you expect him to be or you can find someone else who doesn't have children and can fully immerse themselves into a relationship. There's a likelihood that the longer you date him, the more he's going to be hot and cold. And given the fact that he has already broken up with you once, it can be a hinting sign that he doesn't see this relationship going beyond (casual) dating. You should ask yourself whether you see long term potentials with him. You are still young and probably wish to have children in the future. Is he someone who plans to have more children? Edited December 29, 2012 by xpaperxcutx
PeineDeCoeur Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I don't think you're being high maintenance at all. I'm in a relatively similar situation to you and am also dating again.. and I have to say, you have said some things that are affecting me as well. We have to face the fact that most of the men we date now will have had a previous marriage, and children, and pre-established relationships. He probably doesn't know yet how to integrate you in a way that feels comfortable to him, with his children around. I'm dealing with this as well. It's good that he has boundaries with them, even though they are older. However, it's important that you discover what it is that you need from him (or anyone else) - which you've started to articulate. If you're not getting it from him, you either give him a chance and tell him - be clear about what you need, or move on. You're out of your marriage now - don't settle for something that makes you feel second best. If he wants to make it work with you, he will respond.
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