Author linda lex Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 Ladygrey, it is crazy to understand our culture assuming you arent chinese? We have bizzare customs and traditions and very old fashion beliefs. Filial piety and marriage til death is outmost to us. To divorce and seek happiness at age 45 is unheard of. We must not 'lose face'. And divorcing at age45 is just that. I am merely trying to make u understand and see a bit of our strict upbringing. Not critisizing u or anything. But, my family made him promose to not jeopardise our marriage ike that again. I gave him options. He can leave the marriage or stay in the marriage but NO MORE mistakes. He chose to stay bcos he wanted to. Or do u think bcos he is afraid of beong a failure and 'lose face'? Or is he like me, afraid of change?
alexandria35 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I'm not on team divorce or team reunite. I'm on team let's fix our problems and move on. That might mean divorce or reconcillation. I can't see how leaving your family and children just so you can follow your husband around like a prison warden is going to lead to any kind of happy marriage or life. Your aim should be to get to a place in your marriage where you can trust your husband out of your sight. That will require work on both of your parts. Lots of talking, soul searching, and learning. Perhaps marital counselling. How does your husband feel about you keeping him on this short leash? Do you think he his honest with you about his feelings? Are you honest with him about everything? You only found out about this six months ago so it's understandable that you are keeping watch over him but how long do you plan to live like that? You're not just interrupting his life but you're interrupting your own life. What if you your husband had a trip to take somewhere where he might be in the company of other women and at the same time one of your children were sick and needed you? Who would you choose? What if one of your kids gets married and has children? Are you going to forfeit a relationship with your own grandchildren so you can follow your husband everywhere he goes? You say your youngest is just 15 years old. He is still a child and both of his parents have left him now. Even the older kids still need their parents. How long are you going to be happy giving up your life so you can monitor your husband? Your marriage has to get to a place where you can trust each other again. What is your husband willing to do to make this happen? Can he cut back on his travelling so he is home more with you and the family? Can someone who works for him travel in his place sometimes? If you see no hope for your husband changing and honestly believe that he will cheat on you the moment you are out of his sight then you are setting yourself up to live in a hell of your own making. 2
alexandria35 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Ladygrey, it is crazy to understand our culture assuming you arent chinese? We have bizzare customs and traditions and very old fashion beliefs. Filial piety and marriage til death is outmost to us. To divorce and seek happiness at age 45 is unheard of. We must not 'lose face'. And divorcing at age45 is just that. I am merely trying to make u understand and see a bit of our strict upbringing. Not critisizing u or anything. But, my family made him promose to not jeopardise our marriage ike that again. I gave him options. He can leave the marriage or stay in the marriage but NO MORE mistakes. He chose to stay bcos he wanted to. Or do u think bcos he is afraid of beong a failure and 'lose face'? Or is he like me, afraid of change? Okay so you can't get divorced because you can't lose face. So it's likely that your husband feels the same way and won't divorce you because he also doesn't want to lose face. Sounds like marital misery to me, but if that's the way it is for you two then how can we be of any help to you? I guess if you don't want to divorce him and you also don't want him cheating, then you might as well settle in and enjoy the next god knows how many years being his personal warden. Of course the other option would be to repair the marriage but it doesn't sound like your husband is too interested in that. He just wants you to get over it and for things to be the way they were and I think you will either allow that or make yourself sick with obsessing over him and other women.
Author linda lex Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 Cominginhot, i applaud u. I wish i am as strong as you. I guess u are spot on in tellin me that he feels i should 'get over it' by now. He has never shown me this side but I can see the weariness in his walk and eyes when he thought he hid it so well. So many years I thought I have it all. Until 6months ago that is. I gave him hell and my boys did gave him crap initialy. Hearing his anguish sobs, pleas and him breaking down was a sight I never forget. It was the 1st time I saw him cry. He never had any reason to cry all these years. Having faced the wrath of my family earlier on, they adviced me to stay and tell us to work real hard together. Perhaps we will get through this in time. In 21years and our 1st major setback as a couple He is laidback while I am easy going so we hardly have any issues together. I am very easy to live with and he is the same. But of late, i began to wonder, am i the one he cant live without?
ComingInHot Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Linda; Your culture strictly dictates a lot of the decisions in your life. I gathered that was one of your restraints from previous posts of yours. This means the your husband is bound by those same cultural "laws" and knows he will lose ALL respect from his failed marriage. I think that's why the media makes such a HUGE DEAL of divorce in your country, because it's not heard of very often and because it turns so ugly when it does. A lot of us must appear strong to you ( and some ARE) but my definition of strong was coming here to LS, and being open to the advise of others and realizing that no amount of yelling screaming, guilt pushing crying and begging would make my marriage better. I had the Option of putting out the step up or step out ultimatim having decided to be resolute in My actions depending on my husband's decision regarding my ultimatim. He stepped up. No more sulky behavior. No more blaming me for his decisions. No more, No More.! This actually allowed him to take responsibility for his choices and behaviors and then work to change them. We are creating a New relationship w/each other and a better marriage in the process. I wish this could be the same for you but I get the "disgrace" factor which changes your game strategy. So, basically you need to do EVERYTHING you can to better yourself and situation regardless if he is in it or not. Spend like you're the special woman you are. Get ALL the passwords and accounts and "help yourself" to everything. It's yours by marriage and where you are by law. Forty five is YOUNG! Go get your sexy on and flaunt it in hubby's face. It may be the wake up call he needs to see yu as the sexy , amazing woman you are!! I AM really sorry for your heartbreak.
Author linda lex Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 He did cut back on his travelling a lot. He travels only when it is absokute neccessary which is quite often. We are relocating to Malaysia in Jan as a family. He is based there(his core biz is) As for his boys nites out or partying days, it didint happen much these days. Life for him right now is purely work and us. He dont get any private time or alone time. Surely 10years of that is long enough? He abused my trust and betrayed our lovr. This is a chance to redeem himself. I have total acess of him. If he dont like the idea of me going everywhere he goes and keeping his family close, i walk. That is what I have decided. I did chat with my boys about his infidelity. And I know my H had private talk with them. They all agreed that daddy deserved a chance. But, no more mistakes or secrets. I think he is lucky to still have all of us. I am sure he knows that. Aside from work, it is us. That is where all his attention are on. I still cant get him to open up bout the OW. I mean emotiobally. He was quick to dismissed her as a heavy 'transaction' and when I probed further, he claimed she threatened suicide should he leave her. I really want to talk about thisOW with him. He just want to move on from that affair and resume family life like usual. He assured me constantly that he has no intention on cheating again. But probed bout the suspected phonecalls and texts to her, he gets angry. I found nothing too so maybe I am being sensitive? I have no solid proof he is reaching out to her again. He snapped the other day when I bitterky confronted him over his textibg at dawn when he thought I was still asleep. He was frustrated of my constant suspicion. Even if he do change, like he did now, his life is just work and us now... I sensed he isnt happy. That is why I am still here. I have so much doubts. And yet so much love for him and this family he has built with me. I will keep all of you in the loop maybe a week or so fron now... See any new progress? Thank you all so much. Godbless
ComingInHot Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Actually, being a linguistics major, I read the the incongruities which lead me to believe you are who you say you are Linda. With that said, your culture also dictates a more "demeur" approach to communications. Please don't prove me a fool for believing in you and supporting you by your comments to others. Stay true to yourself and true to your posts. Let others draw their own conclusions right or wrong and know that's okay. It's a risk to even come onto a public forum in conjunction you need to be ready for public response. Alice and LG have been here a while and have seen/heard/read it all. I can say I take my cue from them quite often. They are good people.
SidLyon Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Actually, being a linguistics major, I read the the incongruities which lead me to believe you are who you say you are Linda. With that said, your culture also dictates a more "demeur" approach to communications. Please don't prove me a fool for believing in you and supporting you by your comments to others. Stay true to yourself and true to your posts. Let others draw their own conclusions right or wrong and know that's okay. It's a risk to even come onto a public forum in conjunction you need to be ready for public response. Alice and LG have been here a while and have seen/heard/read it all. I can say I take my cue from them quite often. They are good people. I think Linda is genuine. I'm not from the USA myself and often see slight cultural differences between where I'm from (the UK and Australia - I have dual citizenship) and the USA posters. My sister-in-law and many friends are Chinese, including some Singapore based people. I don't see anything in Linda's posts to indicate she's not genuine. So far on LS I've seen a BW posting as the OW in her situation, more than one OW posting as the BW in her situation, and most bizarrely a fOW/W posting as her fMM/H, so it certainly happens; but not in this instance I think.
KathyM Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Must be hard to have only half of a man. 1/2 goes to the wife (his physical daily presence), and 1/2 goes to the mistress (his occasional passion for a few hours from time to time, and his emotions but not his physical presence). I don't know why either one of those women would put up with only half a man, and a lousy cheating one at that. 2
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