He needs space, but still wants me to wait for him? Should I, please advise....

[supergirl79]

Basically I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months, whom I truly love and thought I'd marry, because he seemed to want more space and wouldn't make time for me. I was frustrated and would cry a lot because I didn't understand, but he literally would do EVERYTHING without me. We lived together for 6 of those months and he moved out in June. Well, the first week he moved out, all I would get are phone calls - but he still wanted to date. After 10 days of not seeing my boyfriend and him still never making time for me, I just broke it off. I obviously was no longer a priority and I basically told him to call me when he actually misses me.

 

We didn't talk for about a week, and then one night he shows up at 2AM. Well, I'm not stupid, I knew that he was coming over because he thought he'd get a piece (I'm 25, he's 29) and I told him that if he wanted to stay, that's fine, but he wasn't getting any. He got frustrated and left telling me he didn't realize that things had changed so much. I told him since he wanted space and didn't ever want to be with me, he loses everything that goes along with the relationship.

 

Anyway, he continues to call and wants me to wait for him to figure it things out, which is fine but he's still not proven anything to me about whether he's just trying to maintain the control or whether he really does need time. I don't doubt that he cares about me, I do think he's stringing me along a bit just because "he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me" kind of thing? Well, I go out and he questions me all the time, he calls and asks constantly if I'm dating other boys and that he's afraid I am. I haven't, and don't have any desire to now, but I don't understand why he acts all concerned but then does nothing to try and bring me back into his life?

 

So my question is, I understand people need space sometimes....that's fine, but do you think this guy really needs time and I should wait or do you think that he's just trying to keep me to himself until he finds someone else? He tells me he still loves me, but i really only half believe that anyway. I'm not sure what he's doing, so I ask those of you that have taken "time" before, do you think there's a chance we'll reconcile?

[YellowLioness]

Hon, he may be confused, but he has no right to ask you to wait for him until he gets "unconfused."

 

His problem is not you. His problem is with himself.

[ojibwaywmn]

Based on what you have said, it looks like he is stringing you along. Honestly....who needs that? Your instincts are telling you that this guy isn't the one. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. Cut your losses and move on, before he drags you down even further. Good luck and take care.

[supergirl79]

I agree that he is confused and probably just trying to keep me from getting anyone else (he is worried because he knows that I can and he works nights and weekends so he's never out to MONITOR my activity) - but I still hold on in hopes that he will come around. I did think he was the one, but I did probably smother him too much in the beginning - I was pretty controlling and demanding, but now i know and I've changed those qualities about me. Anywa, he called yesterday with these same accusations and he's starting to not like the person that I am because I go out all the time (I'm more of an extrovert, and he REALLY enjoys his own company whereas I don't so much) and he's thinking I'm giving my number to boys and accuses me of trying to hook up. He has no idea, he's just fishing trying to get a reaction - anyway I do still love him very much and when he's into someone, he's the greatest guy. He needs to be alone right now, but then he'll want to go to a movie (like tonight) and I wonder if I should go - even just as friends, or if I should just avoid seeing him until he's ready and obviously until I'm ready? I have to remind you - I did break up with him, although it was warranted by his behavior and actions. It's not like he fought for me after I did it, which means he agreed......what do you think?

[ojibwaywmn]

He seems to blame/accuse you a lot for anything. I know what you mean when you still love the person, but don't like how he is behaving. I have been there too. As hard as it is, you need to take a time out for yourself. It's obvious that he is immature and insecure. Why let him wipe his dirty boots all over you? Jump ship before it sinks.

[YellowLioness]

Alright, here is what I think. Fair warning, I'm pretty blunt:

 

I think he's stringing you a long for the ride

 

I think he's taking out his aggression towards himself on you (i.e., using you as an emotinal punching bag)

 

I think that when he stablizes that he won't want anything to do with you, because you will remind him of a bad and emotionally tumultuous time in his life.

 

 

He said that he doesn't like who you are: doesn't that hurt your feelings? He doesn't care about what kind of friend you need; he cares about what he needs. I mean, you want someone who will call you when they say they will, accept you for who you are, and be loving and kind towards you, right?

 

If he doesn't want to be with you, then he shouldn't care who you are with, or what you are doing. If you hamper yourself and cater to him, its YOUR freedom that you're giving up, and you are getting nothing in return.

 

That's how you know when someone is using you: if you're doing all the giving, and they're doing all the getting.

[Girlie]

I agree w others. He's stringing you along. He may not want to be tied to you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either is what it sounds like. I understand that it's probably painful and you sound like you love him--but love doesn't have to hurt like this if it's mutual. My suggestion is to tell him to get lost. But at the very least, don't wait around for him. We only go around this crazy world once, hon. Don't put your life on hold for anyone.

[supergirl79]

I guess I chose to put my life on hold because I thought it would change. Now it's becoming more obvious that he wants to play and whenever I am high on life, he calls to bring me down to his level. He won't let me go and I have such a weak will that I answer the phone when he calls, because I do want to hear from him! I guess I just got really confused when he told me for the first 9 months how much he loves me, then all in one month changes that philosophy, never wants to see me and moves out of my house! I don't understand how a near-30 year old man can be so immature. I want to be friends with him eventually, obviously it's not working right now - but it's so hard to break the ties! Darn these relationships!

[YellowLioness]

[color=blue]BIG HUG[/color]

 

 

It gets better, hon. I promise.

[WantanS4]

I don't understand how people can say that love doesn't hurt. I think real love only exists when it hurts like hell but you KEEP AT IT!

 

I think you should find someone closer to your age that knows what they want and who they are, without having to resort to the 'I need time' BS. That's soo weak... 'I need time... I don't know what I want'..... all i can do is ask myself "THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP??!?!"

 

I understand people change, but... man...... that means people ENJOY living lies.

 

Don't even bother with him supergirl79, don't even bother with him.