Hurt55 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 heya LS community. its been a little while since I posted on here about the status of my break up about 2 months ago. This is probably going to be pretty long cause I have alot of pent up feelings. This is more like a vent post. My family and friends I'm sure are sick and tired of me moaning about my break up, but the more I talk out my feelings the better I feel. So luckily I can post them on here and if people don't want to read, they don't have to. If people do want to read, all responses are welcome! Either way, I get this off my chest and hopefully just be one step closer to picking up the peices of my broken heart. Like I said, my break up happened a little over 2 months ago. He broke up with me after 4 years. his reason? becuase he felt like I deserved someone better than him and that he was spent in the relationship. Yea, good stuff. But that's neither here or there. What I want to talk about is just how lost I really am feeling. I'm not crying as much as I used to (well, at least I wasn't until recently). I feel like I'm constantly trapped inside my head with nothing to keep me company but the pain in my chest. I know, maybe that sounds over dramatic, but its just how I feel. I am still so much in love with him and I hate it. I hate having these feelings for me. I did everything I could for this man for 4 years of my life for him to just leave me abruptly the way he did. He doesn't deserve my tears. And it only gets worse. After we first broke up, I stayed strict with no contact (except for us to swap our belongings). He de-friended me on facebook, but that didn't stop me from taking a peek at his page almost everytime the phone was in my hand. I know it was toxic, but I just wanted anything to hold on to. about 3 weeks after the break up, I saw on his facebook some poems he wrote about how happy love is and stuff like that about a girl. It was so heartbreaking to read. But it was exactly the push I needed to start letting go. That same day I blocked him on facebook and literally bagged anything that reminded me of him and sent it to the basement. I was doing pretty good for a while. Still horribly broken up and I missed him terribly, but I was still getting up each day and taking it one step at a time. Then a mutual friend of ours (we've both known her for about 4 years) was having a going away party. She was moving to Chicago and she asked both of us to set aside our differences for one night so that we can spend it with her at her going away party. We both agreed. That night had alot of bad involved with it. And sometimes I feel like I shouldnt have gone (but it is what it is now). Long story short (and after A LOT of alcohol) him and I ended up sleeping together. I still don't really regret sleeping with him, but I already promised myself that I wouldn't do it again (which I have been able to maintin thank God). We talked about that night. We were really civil about the whole thing and actually enjoyed eachothers company. We discussed being friends and possibly hanging out later that week. He said that he wanted us to text sometimes to maybe help the friendship to start. I never got a text from him that whole week and I ended up canceling our hangout because I knew I wasn't ready for us to be friends yet. I tried texting him once, but he practically blew me off. So I deleted him number. I still know it by heart, but just not having his name in my phone prevents me from sending messages to him when I was lonely. So another 3 weeks of no contact passed. On the dec 21st, we were both invited to this bar event by our mutual friends. We didn't know that the other was going to be there, so we both agreed to go no problem. When we both got there, it was a little bit of a surprise, but we just decided to play cordial and we both stayed. It was actually a good time. We both drank and rocked out and laughed and had really good conversations. we talked about trying to be friends again and all that jazz. ( we even had a mini make out session, but I ended that pretty quickly) By the end of the event, we were like how we were before we started dating: just genuinely enjoying eachothers company. He told me that we should try hanging out again and try texting again. I told him I refuse to text him first and if he wants this to happen, he's gonna have to initiate it. He agreed and we left on good terms. That entire time I only had one time that my heart sank and that was when I saw him texting someone that he named "sweetness" in his phone. It hurt to see, but I shrugged it off because its not my place since I am not his gf anymore. I texted him when I got home that day (which he asked me to do) and we texted that all that night until we fell asleep. He said that he would text me later and that was it. I didn't recieve another text from him. So christmas rolled around and I sent out a mass text to all my friends I knew and I sent one to him to be polite. He texted me back and we texted a little. I then brought up hanging out Wednesday (which was the day after christmas). I spent the passed few days deciding wether or not I was ready and I decided that I would give it a shot since it seemed like everytime I hung out with him the more I wanted to be over him. So I figured why not. He ends up texting me back saying that he forgot he had work on wednesday and that he couldnt hang out. And that he would be busy for the rest of the week and if I wanted we can try to plan something for next week. I was pretty furious! I know that my feelings arn't his concern anymore, but it's plan rude to tell me tuesday afternoon that he can't hang out wednesday. and i think that was the point that I just threw my hands up in the air and said "EFF THIS!!" I honestly could care less if we become friends at this point. He has already rejected me as his gf, I refused to keep getting rejected as his friend. Obviously being friends is not important to him, so theres no need for me to try working on it. If he wanted a friendship, he would put effort into it. He's all talk and no walk and as much as I'm still in love with him, I won't play into his games anymore!! I have too much love to give for him to be abusing it., even as a friend. It hurts to know that we have to share our friends and that he's been texting his "sweetness", but i've been trying to lock all those emotions away and try not to feel them anymore. Its just not worth the constant rejection!!!! It's not that I won't take it, I just can't!! So that's pretty much everything to date. We haven't texted since. I am going to this bonfire new years party that one of our friends are having. I was told that he was invited, but hasn't said if he is going or not. I refuse to not go becuase of his possible attendence. So I'm going either way. I just don't know how I should act if he does go. I know its a little ridiculous to worry about a situation that might not even happen, but I want to go in with a possible plan. Idk if I should just plan ignore him or just be friendly as usual. No matter what though, I plan on mingling and having a fantastic night!!!
Gottabestrong Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I am sorry to hear about your situation. It truly sucks. Not sure if you are looking for advice or just want to vent, but if you are wondering how you should act at the party, I would suggest 'Kill him with kindness.' If you see him act friendly and smile, but don't ask any questions and don't spend time with him. Just walk somewhere else and hang out with your real friends. Don't make out with him again! (That seems to have happened the last two times you saw each other.) Act as if you don't really care, be friendly and nice, but don't be interested in him or get mad at him. Stay away from him as much as possible and no matter what, Don't text him again! Good luck with everything!
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