Lucy1989 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 To cut a long story short, my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. Everything was great but he felt like we were settling down too young and he wanted to have other experiences before he settles down. Here's the longer version: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/359985-first-love. I've been asked out on dates by other guys and I'm beginning to move on with my life. I still love him dearly and part of me believes that we could still have a future down the line, but I've accepted that this won't be anytime soon while he wants to be single and have these other experiences. On boxing day I received a message from him saying that he hoped I'd had a good Christmas and wanting to arrange to meet in the new year to give me back my stuff. I'd mentioned that I wanted my stuff back when we broke up so it wasn't out of blue, but he acted very cold to me during the break-up and he hasn't spoken to me for a month. I left a day before replying to his message but he messaged me back straight away and was acting really friendly and asking about my family, my dog, etc. There's no point trying to guess what his friendly tone means - he may be missing me, or he may be completely over me, or he may be being nice to me because he feels like he should after cheating on me and breaking my heart. My question is how I should respond if he asks to be friends now. Would being friends hinder: a) a chance at reconcilliation in the future; and, b) my recovery
geegirl Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 You need to be friends with a cheater? You have thoughts of reconciliation with a cheater? I think best to focus on your recovery and find better friends.
Gottabestrong Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I think it would definitely hinder your recovery. I am not sure about reconciliation in the future, but hopefully that is not your number one priority right now. He cheated on you and dumped you. The only thing you should focus on is getting over the sleazebag who does not want you anymore and apparently cared so little about your feelings to sleep with someone else while still with you. If he asks about being friends, I'd suggest you say something like: "Seriously? You must be joking. I am not in the habit of being friends with people who cheat on me. In fact I prefer to spend my time with people who I think are decent and make my life better. You don't fit into either category." 1
Angel Heart Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I haven't much to add that other posters did so well. Just consider focusing on yourself and trust your instincts; you deserve to have real friends and trusting relationships and not carry around this burden of a guy. Take care and be good to yourself. And of course, let 2013 be a time for great reflective growth among everything else positive.
MyAngel Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I wouldn't bother being friends with him... He cheated and broke your heart.
Author Lucy1989 Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 I know that he cheated on me, and it was a terrible mistake, but people make mistakes and not every person who cheats is a bad person. He was a different person two years ago and he used to tell me that he could never cheat on me. I hope that in time he will figure thigs out, realise that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and become that person that he once was again. It's that person that I miss and want in my life again.
Simon Phoenix Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I know that he cheated on me, and it was a terrible mistake, but people make mistakes and not every person who cheats is a bad person. He was a different person two years ago and he used to tell me that he could never cheat on me. I hope that in time he will figure thigs out, realise that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and become that person that he once was again. It's that person that I miss and want in my life again. Cheating isn't a mistake. Getting in a fender-bender is a mistake. Accidentally overcooking dinner is a mistake. Cheating is a form of disrespect and despicable.
Pinky777 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 (edited) He cheated on you, betrayed your trust. How is that any foundation for a friendship? A friendship is a relationship of mutual trust, and so is any romantic relationship. Without trust, you have nothing. Tell him thanks but no thanks. Who knows why he's being friendly to you, it could be guilt, it could be that he misses you, but it doesn't matter. He had his chance with you and he ruined it. His loss. He doesn't deserve your good graces anymore. And yes, people can change, they grow up, they realize they miss something, but ultimately the problems will always be there. My first ex, my first love, cheated on me. To be fair, we cheated on each other. We were young and broke up for a while and 2 years later, we got back together. He seemed like he'd really grown up so we gave it another chance. We had our ups and downs, and finally, ten years later, we got married. Two years into our marriage he not only cheated on me but carried on an affair getting the other woman pregnant. He is now raising a kid with her. He did change in a lot of ways from that young man I met 15 yearse ago but the truth of the matter is we were never right for each other, no matter how badly we wanted it to work. My first clue should have been that we cheated on one another when we were younger. It indicated problems and a profound disrespect for one another from the beginning. I know how badly it hurts to lose your first love. It's like that. And even if you did get back together you'd always be wondering what if. Trust me on this. Edited December 28, 2012 by Pinky777
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