lovesick2001 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Its been 2 days of no contact because i cornered him and he confessed to her.we broke up 7 days ago. i havnt eaten a morsel since, i cant get dressed my house is falling down around me untidy, i havnt walked my dogs,im afraid to leave the house cos im getting panic attacks. i was a strong independant positive person before all this. im a quiverring wreck now. i wish i could see what hes done to me. will i ever be "ME" again?
ThatJustHappened Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Yes, this is normal, and yes, you will eventually be yourself again. Allow yourself to grieve but you have to force yourself to eat and leave the house once a day or so. No one is going to do it for you so you have to take care of yourself. Also try therapy.
april38 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I can completely relate, and I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. I can't tell you what's normal, but I will tell you my experience. For me, at first I was in such denial that I was in hell every minute of every day, unable to function, totally consumed in my pain because I was just waiting that email/phone call where he would say he had made a huge mistake and can't live without me. After a month and a half I got an email from him saying that he was in pain, he missed me, but he never said that he had made a mistake. We then started talking on the phone again and he said he was unsure if he could live without me, but he still wasn't going to do anything about it. I swallowed up every word, and chose to believe that it was only a matter of time before he left his wife because he couldn't live without me. Well, let me tell you what actually happened. I fell right back into an A with him, and he had both me and his wife, and I accepted that. This went on for 3 months until I finally said no more. I didn't even totally mean it at the time, but knew what I had to do. Now I'm back at square one, back to NC. I don't really regret the 2nd time around though because I finally ended my denial, and truly believe that he will never leave his wife for me, and I had to either settle for being a side dish, or end our relationship. Once I realized that, it was only a matter of time before I had to make the obvious choice. Today, I'm still sad, and hurt, but I'm also angry, and that's a good step. I think I'm finally going to be able to grieve it as a loss, and move on eventually. We all have our own process, and I think that you have to truly get in touch with yourself and understand what it is that you're sad about, and decide if it's hoping/wishing/wanting for him to come back, or if you are resolved to it being over. I know it's hard to admit to yourself, but I think it helps to understand what's causing the pain in order to deal with it. If you know in your heart that it's really over, I think you will probably get over it faster. If you don't truly beleive that, you are probably going to either wait for him and prolong your pain, or chase after him. The only advice I can tell you is to keep reaching out on this website. It's a wonderful support group.
LadyLost Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 April, I read your response and I feel like we have shared very similar experiences. It's very easy to get sucked in, even when your head is telling you it's time to get out. I have been on this roundabout for over a year now and before that a whole year of falling in love with a married man. It's an addiction that is difficult to explain. Impossible for others to understand. It's not possible to justify with any type of logic except to say that you love this man, you want this man. He loves you so how can he not leave his wife? How can he not see what we could have together? What a life we could have had!! Eventually, you realise you want something better for your life. Until that time, you will keep going back for more. It bloody hurts. It hurts like hell. I mean, right now, I really, really want this man. BUT, and this is the hardest thing in the world to accept. He didn't choose me. He chose his wife, his family. He didn't choose me. It doesn't matter how much he says he loves me. He didn't choose me. Lovesick- only you can get yourself through this. Eventually you will not want to waste another day, week, month (for me, year), waiting for a man who isn't coming. It's tough, but stick with it. You deserve more. 1
april38 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 LadyLost - It's good to know people who can relate. As most of us in our position know - when you are the OW in an A, you are in a very secluded position. Most people aren't simpathetic to our situation so we keep it rather private. This leaves us vulnerable because we don't get the support we need to get out, and we are stuck in our heads with often very irrational thoughts. I'm finding that the more I participate on this site, the less alone I am, and the more I feel I have the strength to move on. I too, am still very hurt, sad, and I miss him. I'm almost offended when I think about the fact that he's not trying to contact me, he didn't chose me, and he led me on for so long and left me with empty promises. I think - how can he go on each day with a smile on his face, and joy in his heart when he doesn't have me in his life, and knowing I've been in so much misery without him. But I've been reminded by a couple other womens' stories that I'm probably better off that he's so willing to let me go. Story #1: A friend of mine had an off and on passionate A with a man for 9 years. He did D his wife at some point in that time, they dated legitamately for a while, it fell apart, and they are both still picking up the pieces. She wasted 9 years of her life fighting to win a man who it didn't work out with anyway. She's told me very clearly (even though I didn't want to hear it) - the best thing that could possibly happen to me is that I never hear from him again. Plain and simple, he's doing me a big favor by staying away....(I'm sure she's right and I'll be glad one day when I've completely moved on) Another story I was told last month - a woman (friend of a friend) had a 15 year A with a man who told her he would leave his wife as soon as the kids were out of the house, so she waited for him (took 12 years). After the kids moved out, he changed his mind and didn't leave his wife. She was so distraught that she put a gun in her mouth and commited suicide. He was the one who found her. I don't want to become either one of those women. So - I think I'm finally ready to face this head on, go through the grieving process, even if it takes a long time, and get on with what will eventually become a beautiful happy life that includes a deep, loving, commited relationship with a man I can depend on. But that's never going to happen if I don't let go of this disfunctional relationship that I'm currently addicted to. Thank you for your posts and conversation. I truly believe that we can get through this together. This is like group therapy...and with this support I know we can become stronger happier people who can free ourselves from this love trap we've been stuck in.
SunsetRed Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 unfortunately the pain is normal. breaking up w an mm is the worst kind of pain. my break up w my mm was worse than getting divorced from my husband no appetite and weight loss is common w this type of break up. It hurts because with other break ups, both you and the guy go back to the single life. With a break up with an MM, he goes back to being a husband (to someone else) and you go to the exact opposite of having a husband. He now goes home to someone and you go home by yourself..so yes, it hurts like a bitch and is hell to get over. It honestly takes a long time to heal and even when you heal, you'll still have the scars...sorry to say. BUT life will get better. Many on here have moved on from their MM and found happiness w someone who returned their love. Hang in there and don't be hard on yourself.
neveragain34 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Yes, this pain is normal. Very sorry you are here right now; I was there recently as well and can relate. It's a horrible feeling, like you are slowly dying. I lost weight, missed work, and cried for days when I wasn't sleeping through it. Unfortunately, the chances of you going through this again are likely. I couldn't bare being without him so I gave in 3 different times during periods of breaking up and NC. I thought the pain of being in an A with him was more bareble than being without him. Eventually you will grow tired of the emotional roller coaster ride you are on and finally see him for who is really is and NC will be a cinch. Until then, I wish you the best and please believe me when I say it will get better!!!! (((Hugs)))
sybo24 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I have recently split up from my MM after 3 years. I always knew it was wrong and fought hard to let go and not see him again but that wasnt to be. Problem is he did leave his wife the end of November for me but moved back to her the week before christmas. I had a phone call from her on new years eve telling me not to contact him again. The pain in intense. My head tells me to move on get angry and never see him again but my heart tells me to call him, see him or just drive past him. Any contact will do. I know he has chosen her not me but it is horrible. I hope that this forum helps me vent my sadness and hopefully eventually anger at him and stop me from actually making contact again with him.
sybo24 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 Sorry I forgot to say I know exactly what you are going through and feel you pain. Be strong, together we may get through this xx
Recommended Posts