Shadow of ex-husband

[escafeld]

I'm sure I'm not the first to experience this phenomena but any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

I've been dating a fantastic girl for 6 months now (we're both divorcees in our 40's with children), everything seems to be going well, there have been proclamations of love, our kids all get on and the feedback is positive all round.

 

The one problem is her ex who she's been divorced from for 10 years. They have a teenage son together and maintain a cordial relationship because of that. He's been single since their divorce and she's only had one significant relationship although her ex was unaware of it. He often pops round unannounced to her house and texts her regularly for no specific reason. My g/f's been reluctant to tell him of my existence because she says he'd find it hard to accept and it would affect his mental state (he sounds like an undiagnosed depressive), so she tip-toes delicately around him.

 

Things became intolerable for me when he turned up (unannounced) on Xmas Day and I was introduced as a 'friend'! He then proceeded to get proprietorial with my girlfriend, constantly putting his arm around her and making references to their former married life. She was uncomfortable with this but didn't say anything. I also let it slide. He stayed about an hour before leaving, then bombarded my ex with emotionally charged texts all evening. The icing on the cake was when he returned the next day (I wasn't there), and pleaded with her to go back to him, culminating in him breaking down in tears.

 

She says she has no interest in him other than for the benefit of their son (I believe her) but clearly they have issues with appropriate boundaries. I dont want to demand anything or offer an ultimatum but this is really getting to me now. Any suggestions on the best way forward?

[LazyPomato]

She is definitely divorced and not separated? Weird stuff.

[escafeld]

She is definitely divorced and not separated? Weird stuff.

 

Thanks for replying LazyPomato, yes she's definitely divorced-10 years.

 

I've told her how I feel about it, she's apologised but as far as I know not addressed his behaviour with him and I think she's slightly pissed off that I've raised it.

[LazyPomato]

The only one who should be pissed off is you, considering she addressed you as a "friend"!

[escafeld]

The only one who should be pissed off is you, considering she addressed you as a "friend"!

 

Thanks again, I'm pleased my ire isn't unsubstantiated!

 

In fairness, it was actually he who referred to me as her 'friend' when he asked who I was, but she didn't correct him which given how charged the atmosphere was, was a missed opportunity on her part to set the record straight and accord me some status.

[pinkie]

This situation is absurd. She is enabling his behavior. Their son is a teenager and they've been divorced for 10 years. The ex husband needs to get a life and she needs to (inadvertenly) help make it so. I wonder if her other relationship ended because of him?

 

If I were you, I would be extremely upset. You have to discuss this with her. Her complete lack of respect for you and her 'tip-toeing' around the ex's fragile emotions isn't doing anyone any good.

 

Set your boundaries and stick to your guns. This situation is completely unacceptable. Best of luck!

[escafeld]

This situation is absurd. She is enabling his behavior. Their son is a teenager and they've been divorced for 10 years. The ex husband needs to get a life and she needs to (inadvertenly) help make it so. I wonder if her other relationship ended because of him?

 

If I were you, I would be extremely upset. You have to discuss this with her. Her complete lack of respect for you and her 'tip-toeing' around the ex's fragile emotions isn't doing anyone any good.

 

Set your boundaries and stick to your guns. This situation is completely unacceptable. Best of luck!

 

Thanks pinkie, it seems everyone is endorsing my own view.

 

I know you've only heard my account of the story but I've tried to present it as fairly as possible.

[todreaminblue]

whether he is depressed or not avoidance isnt the way to go,hiding things from a depressive personality only makes it worse when it comes to light, she does need to tell him that she is with you ....i dont think avoiding this is an option.....depressive or not, everyone deserves to know where they stand.....with depression it doesnt help to avoid, straight up is a lot easier to deal with actually, because you can deal with issues that arise, head on, him having a feeling that there is more than friendship in the air, and obviously, he does because of his then bombarding her with texts, is detrimental to him if he is undiagnosed

depressive,...a lot kinder to be truthful in every respect, he needs to know what isnt going to happen and why it isnt going to happen, and the suggestion should be given to seek help from professional sources.....deb.

[pinkie]

I do believe you've presented the info fairly. I believe you. I've seen this before. But let's be clear... this is not about HIM. This is about You and Her and where you two stand together.

 

She has clearly not set healthy boundaries for herself when it comes to her ex. But you have to; in order to protect youself. This could very well end up a drama fest. Do not go there. It's all on her and if she doesn't handle the matter, I really don't think you two will survive a healthy relationship.

 

She's living a double life basically and she's being very passive/aggressive with the ex. It's a cop out. You can't do the same thing with her. You have to nip this in the bud now. Keep us posted!!

[escafeld]

whether he is depressed or not avoidance isnt the way to go,hiding things from a depressive personality only makes it worse when it comes to light, she does need to tell him that she is with you ....i dont think avoiding this is an option.....depressive or not, everyone deserves to know where they stand.....with depression it doesnt help to avoid, straight up is a lot easier to deal with actually, because you can deal with issues that arise, head on, him having a feeling that there is more than friendship in the air, and obviously, he does because of his then bombarding her with texts, is detrimental to him if he is undiagnosed

depressive,...a lot kinder to be truthful in every respect, he needs to know what isnt going to happen and why it isnt going to happen, and the suggestion should be given to seek help from professional sources.....deb.

 

Many thanks todreaminblue, I firmly agree with this and the irony is that the drama played itself out exactly as you describe..he was obviously crestfallen to discover a man in his ex-wife's house, had he known of my existence he may well have not made the trip or been primed for what he was likely to encounter.

[escafeld]

I do believe you've presented the info fairly. I believe you. I've seen this before. But let's be clear... this is not about HIM. This is about You and Her and where you two stand together.

 

She has clearly not set healthy boundaries for herself when it comes to her ex. But you have to; in order to protect youself. This could very well end up a drama fest. Do not go there. It's all on her and if she doesn't handle the matter, I really don't think you two will survive a healthy relationship.

 

She's living a double life basically and she's being very passive/aggressive with the ex. It's a cop out. You can't do the same thing with her. You have to nip this in the bud now. Keep us posted!!

 

Fantastic, thanks pinkie that's solid advice. I forgot to mention that at the start of our relationship she'd been receiving some business advice (unpaid) from him which is always likely to blur the boundaries with someone you know/suspect has feelings for you, so I can almost understand his texting anger on Xmas Day night which was probably born of utter frustration and the realisation that his helping her wasn't going to achieve his ultimate objective.

 

I do hope we can work it out and it doesn't turn into a 'drama-fest' that would be a real shame as in all other respects she represents my ideal partner.

[todreaminblue]

Many thanks todreaminblue, I firmly agree with this and the irony is that the drama played itself out exactly as you describe..he was obviously crestfallen to discover a man in his ex-wife's house, had he known of my existence he may well have not made the trip or been primed for what he was likely to encounter.

t

 

 

that is true he might not have made the trip, therefore been informed enough to choose what he wanted to do had he been told before hand.I do understand yoru gfs hesitation but no mattr what she feels its importan tto lay it down flat and easy to understand to a depressive...a lot of depression is confusion...doesnt help anyone to confuse them more when they are already confused....he is not suicidal you have said they have broken up for ten years and he is till kicking...playing with someone though when he is in a depressed state is not a good idea.....i do understand hesitation.....i am friends with both my exes and i maintain that relationship by honesty if i were to date someone or be interested in soemone i am straight up, that, is how i deal with things....i suffer from clinical depression i handle things better if they are not obscure so in other words i deal better with honesty and the truth than trying to figure out what is happening most people who suffer from depression have strength and inner reserves they rely on to get them through tough times....

 

you have the right to insist the matter be resolved not only for yourself but with compassion towards a guy who isnt going to get anywhere by thinking otherwise..if your girlfriend truly struggles and you talk to her ......maybe it could be you having a quiet word with the ex..be firm but kind....with compassion and understanding but set those boundaries...it would be the best thing for all.....the girlfriend might have to overcome hesitation ....or you might have to ....whoever......someone needs to do it and do it soon.......best wishes.....good luck....deb

Edited December 28, 2012 by todreaminblue

[pinkie]

That's another line that will need to be drawn... to keep Business, business and Personal, personal. She may not know how and he may very well be manipulating this aspect in hopes of a reconciliation.

 

You're thinking sounds clear and objective on all points. I'm sure things will workout. The communication has to be effective and then of course time to process on her end.

 

She sounds like a great person really. The ex is totally taking advantage of that.

[escafeld]

t

 

 

that is true he might not have made the trip, therefore been informed enough to choose what he wanted to do had he been told before hand.I do understand yoru gfs hesitation but no mattr what she feels its importan tto lay it down flat and easy to understand to a depressive...a lot of depression is confusion...doesnt help anyone to confuse them more when they are already confused....he is not suicidal you have said they have broken up for ten years and he is till kicking...playing with someone though when he is in a depressed state is not a good idea.....i do understand hesitation.....i am friends with both my exes and i maintain that relationship by honesty if i were to date someone or be interested in soemone i am straight up, that, is how i deal with things....i suffer from clinical depression i handle things better if they are not obscure so in other words i deal better with honesty and the truth than trying to figure out what is happening most people who suffer from depression have strength and inner reserves they rely on to get them through tough times....

 

you have the right to insist the matter be resolved not only for yourself but with compassion towards a guy who isnt going to get anywhere by thinking otherwise..if your girlfriend truly struggles and you talk to her ......maybe it could be you having a quiet word with the ex..be firm but kind....with compassion and understanding but set those boundaries...it would be the best thing for all.....the girlfriend might have to overcome hesitation ....or you might have to ....whoever......someone needs to do it and do it soon.......best wishes.....good luck....deb

 

Totally agree with this, I don't want the guy hurting but I don't particularly want him behaving inappropriately at my expense either! I do though think that it's a matter for her to deal with, if I get involved it might appear as though I'm rubbing his nose in it.

[escafeld]

You're thinking sounds clear and objective on all points. I'm sure things will workout. The communication has to be effective and then of course time to process on her end.

 

Well the communication's non existent at the moment!

 

I heard nothing from her last night, I called her this morning and she didn't answer her phone (which is unusual), she then texted saying she'd call later..and I'm still waiting.

[escafeld]

Alright - make me understand WHY she feels justified in being miffed at you because you rightfully felt DISRESPECTED by her ignorant behavior?

 

Ten years and she's still pandering to this nutjob? Seriously???? What's the payoff? If she's willing to completely disrespect you by pretending you're her 'buddy' and then proceed to disrespect you even MORE by allowing nut-job to put his arm around her and act like a neanderthal marking his territory, there's got to be something she's getting out of it.

 

Who the hell panders to an ex that they divorced 10 years ago?

 

Persionally, I think you're being WAY too wishy washy and letting her call the shots. That makes you look weak and passive, sitting around hoping to hear from her and not having the cajones to stand up to her and tell her that her CRAP behavior is completely unacceptable.

 

You're setting a precedent - and not a good one.

 

Thanks Just A Poster, in my more teeth grinding moments I've felt just how you describe but I've quite some history of chest beating and behaving like a neanderthal myself..as a middle aged bloke I prefer the gentler approach it tends to have a better outcome for me emotionally!

 

I do hear what you say though and I'm very conscious of appearing the 'patsy', I've written her an email explaining my position-fairly but firmly and if she doesn't respond positively then I'll be a walker.

[escafeld]

I do believe you've presented the info fairly. I believe you. I've seen this before. But let's be clear... this is not about HIM. This is about You and Her and where you two stand together.

 

She has clearly not set healthy boundaries for herself when it comes to her ex. But you have to; in order to protect youself. This could very well end up a drama fest. Do not go there. It's all on her and if she doesn't handle the matter, I really don't think you two will survive a healthy relationship.

 

She's living a double life basically and she's being very passive/aggressive with the ex. It's a cop out. You can't do the same thing with her. You have to nip this in the bud now. Keep us posted!!

 

You may not read this pinkie, but just to update you..it did indeed end in a drama-fest but ironically her ex had little to do with it.

 

Over the last few months the woman in question would be attentive when she was being attentive but then flake for no apparent reason, make excuses to go home rather than stay overnight and create arguments over totally trivial issues, the ultimate one was her berating me because I don't taste food as I'm cooking it (I'm a fairly accomplished cook btw)..we split up the next day!

 

I discovered that she'd lied about her (overnight) whereabouts the previous Tuesday and when I called her out on it she dismissed it in a friendly fashion by saying I'd laugh if I knew the truth of it...but still no detail.

 

Our relationship was punctuated by her making grand emotional gestures, yet her behaviour indicated quite the opposite, one example was her describing sex in a relationship as being 'massively important', but then quite seriously going out of her way to avoid it..no pressure from me btw.

 

She's since sent an email full of (false) platitudes and BS which I didn't reply to. We've been NC for 3 weeks now. She's a big approval seeker, but I suspect a bit of a commitment/intimacy phobe as other than me she's had one 3 month relationship in the last 10 years, yet superficially she's attractive and engaging so is pursued by men.

 

Anyway, there's the update, I'm not hurting as much as I thought I would be, I'd talk to her if she contacted me but frankly I became fed up of the bull****.

[crederer]

Based on info provided, I believe she is being honest with you, and doesn't want to hurt this man. However, as someone else stated, she in enabling him. And this is not fair to anyone involved.

 

Something needs to change, obviously.

[2sunny]

I don't blame you for getting frustrated with a manipulative woman who avoids intimacy. Seems she created drama by lying by omission and didn't have a healthy boundary so that the ex stayed out of her personal life.

 

She's getting something out of keeping her ex in her life so close - are you sure they aren't intimate?

 

Either way - she looks like she plays too many games by closing off intimacy with new guys when it gets near.

 

The disappearing act is odd - could she be dating a married man? That would make sense - clearing the schedule at a moments notice because he suddenly made time to see her.

 

She's focused/distracted by something/someone that's got her attention - did she ever say why she went silent on the nights she never responded to you?

[escafeld]

I don't blame you for getting frustrated with a manipulative woman who avoids intimacy. Seems she created drama by lying by omission and didn't have a healthy boundary so that the ex stayed out of her personal life.

 

She's getting something out of keeping her ex in her life so close - are you sure they aren't intimate?

 

Either way - she looks like she plays too many games by closing off intimacy with new guys when it gets near.

 

The disappearing act is odd - could she be dating a married man? That would make sense - clearing the schedule at a moments notice because he suddenly made time to see her.

 

She's focused/distracted by something/someone that's got her attention - did she ever say why she went silent on the nights she never responded to you?

 

Thanks so much for your response 2sunny, we've broken up now so it's pretty much academic.

 

I did have my reservations about her boundaries with most men, she seemed to be over zealous around them..not in a sexual way but very friendly which as most men will know can lead to all kinds of misconceptions!

 

I seriously did consider whether there was a male distraction, she went awol for a week in Feb, said she needed space etc (you've heard it before!), then unfriended me on FB..by the weekend we were talking again and I asked her to re-friend me which she steadfastedly refused to do, claiming it would look crap if she suddenly re-friended me! I know this all sounds like we're behaving like children (we're both middle aged), but I thought it was a significant marker.

 

She bought me a VERY generous gift for my birthday last month, made several protestations of love to me..then the strange Tuesday disappearance came and the arguments about trivia.

 

Personally I do think she wants to be someone's mistress..someone who takes care of her financially, but doesn't demand too much emotionally & physically..I think her last husband fitted that mould perfectly, she became pregnant by him very soon into the relationship (she already had 3 children, he had none and had never been married), his business floundered several years later, he became depressed and they split up (Im not saying his change of circumstances had anything to do with it, I dont know). I'm not a rich man myself, but she knew this from outset.

 

Really cathartic for me putting this all down here..actually beginning to see how awful things were.