Author screwedovertwenty Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Because I need to cry and I don't want to break down in front of my children.
Furious Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Because I need to cry and I don't want to break down in front of my children. You're trying so hard to protect your kids from the bomb your husband threw at you and don't want them to see you cry. But running off to an ex boyfriends place is not a good idea. Put your foot down, do not leave your children and your home, it's time to flex your muscles and like Decorative said, expose the affair and hand your husband his clothes in a garbage bag and see your lawyer in the morning. Use your smarts, think logically, use the strength you have to put an end to the lying games your husband is playing. 4
Nyla Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 You don't need to tell them hes a scumbag. Take the high road. Say nothing negative. They will figure it out themselves and think all the more highly of you b/c you did not sling mud when you could. Being honest with teenage children is not the same as calling their father a scumbag. Since the OP is telling the truth she is not just slinging mud. She is having an open dialog with her children. I don't think her kids would look down on her for saying that their father had an affair. Sweeping things under the rug never works. Kids know when their parents are unhappy, no matter how much parents try to hide things. My father's affair crashed into my preteen world when I was 12. My brothers and me saw all the tears, drama and broken dishes. My parents stayed together for their kids, but the poison had already seeped into my parent's marriage and it was obvious that they hated each other. It would be different if the children in question were small children. SCT, running into the arms of another man when you are vulnerable is putting yourself in a bad situation. You may end up doing something you'll regret because you're heartbroken. Could you find a rooming house to stay in? 2
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Being honest with teenage children is not the same as calling their father a scumbag. Since the OP is telling the truth she is not just slinging mud. She is having an open dialog with her children. I don't think her kids would look down on her for saying that their father had an affair. Sweeping things under the rug never works. Kids know when their parents are unhappy, no matter how much parents try to hide things. My father's affair crashed into my preteen world when I was 12. My brothers and me saw all the tears, drama and broken dishes. My parents stayed together for their kids, but the poison had already seeped into my parent's marriage and it was obvious that they hated each other. It would be different if the children in question were small children. SCT, running into the arms of another man when you are vulnerable is putting yourself in a bad situation. You may end up doing something you'll regret because you're heartbroken. Could you find a rooming house to stay in? Tell the kids. Don't. Whatever. DO get a lawyer asap. You have a right to stay in that house with your children. A lawyer will talk to you for free if your H has a job. You H will have to pay for it. You need legal advice asap. 4
Author screwedovertwenty Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 He's on his way home. I have started packing his ****. 2
ComingInHot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Your husband is the one who Needs to leave. You are packing His crap right?! You, Stay home! Cry and in front of your children if you can't hold it in. Be honest about your hurt w/yourself & them ( but maybe not graphic/detailed). But you are Not going anywhere tonight right??! Be safe!! 2
Nyla Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I agree that SCT has legal rights to stay in her house. Glad that she's packing his shiz.
2sunny Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Change the locks and put his bag by the front door! You stay in the house! You don't want the court stating you abandoned your kids by leaving... And move any available money into an account with your name only - ASAP! 1
ComingInHot Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Show him your cell through the window with NineOneOne (hate I can't use my numbers right now !) Your finger over the Send button should he try to enter... Right now I fear for your Emotional safety as well as physical! Call a friend?! Neighbor?! To "keep an eye" on your house tonight? Please let us know you are all right soon!!!
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I'm sorry you're going thru this, SOT. Stay strong. You're doing the right thing.
Steen719 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 You absolutely do not need to leave your house or your children. Please do not do this. Do change the locks because he can get in anytime he wants and in an angry mood, who knows when that might be? Do follow the advice of Cominginhot and tell him you will call 911 if he tries to come in. Call the locksmith tomorrow and get the locks changed. Tough crap if he doesn't like it.Take at least half of what is in the bank accounts and open a new account in your name only.Call your family and get support.Talk to your kids and tell them briefly what is going on. They need to know why their dad is not there and it will scare them not to have information.Tell your H that he is not welcome in the house and he should be staying with his girlfriend. Do not let him gaslight you. He has done that enough.Do not, no, no, no, go to the ex boyfriend. That will muck up the already mucked up situation.Call an attorney tomorrow or call a few. Find out what your next step is. I think the fact that he has continued to lie to your face is despicable. I know how that feels. My XH did that to me. I could not believe when I was before him in so much pain, that he would lie to my face and make it worse. Cry when you have to. If it is so bad that you feel like it will upset your children, go take a shower and cry in the shower. A poster told me that and I did it. Do not fall for his lies again. Be strong and be determined. Throw the lying, cheating sob out and kick him to the curb. You don't deserve his crap! Great big hugs and you come on here anytime to talk to us if you have no close friends nearby. Please do call your family and friends even if they are not close geographically to you. The support you get will help you and make you feel the love they have for you. Nothing better when you are in this situation. Best to you. So many of us know your pain and we feel for you. It is a lousy group to belong to, but at least you have people who understand. 1
waterwoman Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 So angry on your behalf! Grrrrrr! Please tell him to leave. Please stay in your home with your children if you possibly can though I can totally understand the need to run. Good luck. Stay strong x
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Change the locks and put his bag by the front door! You stay in the house! You don't want the court stating you abandoned your kids by leaving... And move any available money into an account with your name only - ASAP! Until either party starts a court action, either party can legally grab money, sell assets, etc. So the OP is in danger that H will do this to her if she does not get a lawyer ASAP. Get a lawyer - ASAP. You don't even have to intend to divorce to start a court action. Start one. Protect yourself! 1
Author screwedovertwenty Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 He came home last night and saw the box of his crap I started packing. I told him I wasn't leaving, he was. I told him I was advised not to leave by some very smart people who had been through this. He said this is not what he wants. He said he wants to stay and work things out. He told me that he just wanted to go see her and tell her what was going on. He wanted to tell her that we were going to counseling and that we were trying to work things out. I told him that he broke my trust again. He broke every promise he made. He says he didn't plan on going there. He just decided to right after he got off the phone with me. Ugh. He has been to a counselor and the counselor told him that he doesn't need counseling. I told him he does. I told him that he needs to figure out why he keeps screwing up and what his feelings for this girl really are and that he needs to figure out what it is he really wants. His actions and his words do not match. He needs to figure that out. I can't do that for him. I can't keep living like this. I told him that I wanted this to work so bad. He keeps screwing up though and I have to protect my heart. He stayed here last night. I didn't see him before he left this morning. He called the counselor and I called a lawyer. I have an appointment on Monday at noon. I have another appointment that day with the gyno. Not really sure why I have that appointment. I went there to get tested a few days after I found out about the affair and everything came back fine. She rescheduled me to come back though. Hopefully it's not to go over the mamogram I never scheduled. I may ask for antidepressants. I don't really want to take anything but I can't keep taking these blows! 1
Furious Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 (edited) He came home last night and saw the box of his crap I started packing. I told him I wasn't leaving, he was. I told him I was advised not to leave by some very smart people who had been through this. He said this is not what he wants. He said he wants to stay and work things out. He told me that he just wanted to go see her and tell her what was going on. He wanted to tell her that we were going to counseling and that we were trying to work things out. I told him that he broke my trust again. He broke every promise he made. He says he didn't plan on going there. He just decided to right after he got off the phone with me. Ugh. He has been to a counselor and the counselor told him that he doesn't need counseling. I told him he does. I told him that he needs to figure out why he keeps screwing up and what his feelings for this girl really are and that he needs to figure out what it is he really wants. His actions and his words do not match. He needs to figure that out. I can't do that for him. I can't keep living like this. I told him that I wanted this to work so bad. He keeps screwing up though and I have to protect my heart. He stayed here last night. I didn't see him before he left this morning. He called the counselor and I called a lawyer. I have an appointment on Monday at noon. I have another appointment that day with the gyno. Not really sure why I have that appointment. I went there to get tested a few days after I found out about the affair and everything came back fine. She rescheduled me to come back though. Hopefully it's not to go over the mamogram I never scheduled. I may ask for antidepressants. I don't really want to take anything but I can't keep taking these blows! So glad you stood your ground and did not leave your own home. Please keep your appointment with your lawyer and get all the legalities and know your rights. If you live in a fault divorce state, you may be entitled to more than 50% of your assets. I still recommend that you confide in a family member that you can trust. It's so hard to go through this alone. Keep strong and hang in there, you're smart and stronger than you realize. Hugs Edited January 4, 2013 by Furious 1
BetrayedH Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Well done. This was the only way even though it sucks. He painted himself into a corner. How we are supposed to accept consistent lying, I will never understand. Idiots. I would go ahead and get the ADs. Mine didn't do much but after about 6 weeks, it did seem to make the lows a little less low (they increased my dosage once to get me there). I hated taking pills, too, but I decided it's not the time for stubborn pride. Please do also find someone in real life to confide in. You have no shame in this. I was always a strong man up until this all happened to me but once it did, I leaned on my Mom a lot and it helped.
Author screwedovertwenty Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 I will definitely be keeping the appointment with the lawyer. I need to get a good plan in order. I am hoping I will be able to go back to work the week after next. The holidays have made it hard to get anything done and I need time alone when the kids aren't around to get things done. I am going to talk to the dr about the antidepressants. Maybe she can give me something that I can just take when I need it instead of all the time. As far as real life people, there is really nobody locally that I can talk to about this. It sucks that all my coworkers know. They are coworkers, not friends. Some have been very sweet, while others have, as I expected, just tried to make things bad for me at work. I am going to try to rearrange my schedule so that I can avoid certain people. I was going to rearrange things so that I could have the same day off as him and try to work things out. Now I don't know if I should do that or just make sure I am working so I don't have to see him.
Furious Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I will definitely be keeping the appointment with the lawyer. I need to get a good plan in order. I am hoping I will be able to go back to work the week after next. The holidays have made it hard to get anything done and I need time alone when the kids aren't around to get things done. I am going to talk to the dr about the antidepressants. Maybe she can give me something that I can just take when I need it instead of all the time. As far as real life people, there is really nobody locally that I can talk to about this. It sucks that all my coworkers know. They are coworkers, not friends. Some have been very sweet, while others have, as I expected, just tried to make things bad for me at work. I am going to try to rearrange my schedule so that I can avoid certain people. I was going to rearrange things so that I could have the same day off as him and try to work things out. Now I don't know if I should do that or just make sure I am working so I don't have to see him. Is your family far away, can you at least speak to a trusted family member, your mom or dad, a sister or brother. Maybe they can arrange a visit, spend some time with you and the kids. Also, about the OW, what do you know about her, have you spoken to her, does she know you've discovered the affair?
Author screwedovertwenty Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 My dad died when I was a teenager and my mom died ten years ago. I have a very large family but we are not really close. There are a few sibblings close by geographically, but they all sided with him when I was trying to kick him out years ago for his dui's.
Furious Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 My dad died when I was a teenager and my mom died ten years ago. I have a very large family but we are not really close. There are a few sibblings close by geographically, but they all sided with him when I was trying to kick him out years ago for his dui's. Sorry about your parents. It's sad you don't feel close to your siblings, it's shocking that they would side with your husband when he was drinking. You've got us here, supporting you, keep posting and keep strong. 1
Author screwedovertwenty Posted January 5, 2013 Author Posted January 5, 2013 Sorry about your parents. It's sad you don't feel close to your siblings, it's shocking that they would side with your husband when he was drinking. You've got us here, supporting you, keep posting and keep strong. Thank you. My family loves him. They think he is a great guy. I have one very good friend in Texas who I have been talking and texting with ever since I found out. She knows him and talked to him on the phone one night as well. Had she not moved to TX last year, my husband would have had his ass kicked by a girl. 2
2long Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 He told me that he just wanted to go see her and tell her what was going on. He wanted to tell her that we were going to counseling and that we were trying to work things out. I told him that he broke my trust again. He broke every promise he made. He says he didn't plan on going there. He just decided to right after he got off the phone with me. Ugh. Yeah, right. "deciding" is "planning". You of course know that. He does 2, just doesn't want 2 admit that. She has no business knowing what's going on. He has no business telling her anything, except goodbye forever. I hope that your gyn's request for you 2 come back in doesn't have anything 2 do with an STD that didn't "show up" on the first test. I agree, you sound strong (considering!). take care, -ol' 2long 1
Steen719 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 I will definitely be keeping the appointment with the lawyer. I need to get a good plan in order. I am hoping I will be able to go back to work the week after next. The holidays have made it hard to get anything done and I need time alone when the kids aren't around to get things done. I am going to talk to the dr about the antidepressants. Maybe she can give me something that I can just take when I need it instead of all the time. As far as real life people, there is really nobody locally that I can talk to about this. It sucks that all my coworkers know. They are coworkers, not friends. Some have been very sweet, while others have, as I expected, just tried to make things bad for me at work. I am going to try to rearrange my schedule so that I can avoid certain people. I was going to rearrange things so that I could have the same day off as him and try to work things out. Now I don't know if I should do that or just make sure I am working so I don't have to see him. Antidepressants have to build up in your system and you can't just take them when you feel down. They don't work that way - anti-anxiety drugs can. I took antidepressants when this first went down for me. I was so depressed and tearful. It really was quite unlike me, but I had been through a horrible 2 or 3 years and I had no reserve to help me get through. The antidepressants made me have a little higher level of low...so not any great shakes,but definitely helped. I have been reducing the amount so that now instead of 2 a day, I am on 1 every 3 days. I will most likely be off of them by the end of this or next week. They might help you. I also took over the counter sleep meds - maybe generic unisom - I can't remember now, but I took it for a few months and do not need it anymore and haven't in quite a while (working 2 jobs will do that for you - lol). Even with the sleep meds, I would wake up at 5am and just would be unable to move for a while. My God, when I think about how far I have come, I am just so grateful. I have a brother and a niece that called me every single day during all of this and some friends who called 2 -3 times a week. I have one friend here who would come get me to go to her Dr. appointments with her just to get me out. I did everything I knew to feel better and I went to a divorce support group. I would be lying if I said I am completely over all of this mess -divorced Oct. 2011 - but the roller coaster ride is over. I found that after that happened, I realized the absence of great sadness was not happiness and then I discovered I could, after all, have some happiness and hope also. I am sorry my X was a cheating liar, but I did not deserve what he gave me and he really, really did not deserve me. Call a friend tonight, go to a movie with kids this weekend. Things will get better. Don't let him convince you he wasn't lying - you know he was. 2
Author screwedovertwenty Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I am pathetic. Why do I want him to love me so bad? I am attractive and fun and people like me. I am nice. I have a huge heart and always try to do the right thing. WTF is wrong with me? Why can't I just be glad to finally have a reason to get out there and have some fun for myself?
Author screwedovertwenty Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Yeah, right. "deciding" is "planning". You of course know that. He does 2, just doesn't want 2 admit that. She has no business knowing what's going on. He has no business telling her anything, except goodbye forever. I hope that your gyn's request for you 2 come back in doesn't have anything 2 do with an STD that didn't "show up" on the first test. I agree, you sound strong (considering!). take care, -ol' 2long I do not think that is the reason for the dr's appointment. She made the appointment the day that I was there. I honestly think it was to check on me because I was such a mess when I went in there. I really hope it's not for the mamogram, because I didn't do it and don't want to in the near future.
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