I gave him the option

[Decorative]

Why tell them ever? Do you need their support to give you the strength to do what you need to do? They can figure it out for themselves. Kids are not stupid. Are you afraid he will tell them his side of the story? They will still figure out the truth. Don't ask them to take sides. They are your kids. You want them to still love him and him to feel that they do love him. You don't want them to hate him right? Telling them is signalling that you want them to hate him. If the cheater asks them to take his side they will run in horror. If you ask them to take sides they will pity you and give you lip service but pity you as too weak to do the right thing, that is, let them make up their own minds. If you do let them make up their own minds you will be far better off.

 

Telling your children is not asking them to hate your spouse. Or take sides. It's an explanation for the chaos that can happen in your house in an affair and the aftermath. Telling the children, if done properly, can give them stability and understanding and remove them from the cycle of trying to figure out what they did wrong. Because kids will do that. They will fill in the blanks from their frame of reference.

 

That being said- SOT needs to decide what is best for her situation, and what will best serve her family, no matter what happens next. She needs to decide ( or decide with professional help, as I did in my situation), what is best.

 

But don't create unnecessary fear or add a burden to her with your above posting. It's unfair to tell her she is harming her children or asking them to hate him by disclosing the situation. Should she choose to.

[CantgetoveritNY]

But don't create unnecessary fear or add a burden to her with your above posting. It's unfair to tell her she is harming her children or asking them to hate him by disclosing the situation. Should she choose to.

 

In an earlier post she suggested that she wanted to tell them out of spite. That he had hurt her and she wanted them to know that. If she is just telling them information that they NEED to know, fine. But so far I don't see anything about why they need to be drawn into this at this time. Or ever. And she has said as much herself. Sure, counselling would be a great way to find out the best way to handle this. Shooting from the hip, not so much. It would not only harm the children to tell them out of spite but it would also diminish her in their eyes if she did that. She can see this I'm sure.

[screwedovertwenty]

I never thought of or said anything about telling them out of spite. Never. I do not use my children as tools. I am very honest with my kids and feel like they need to know the truth, if this does not work out. I do not want them wondering, and they will. I will not put my kids against their father. He is a good father and they need him.

[CantgetoveritNY]

They need to know why their lives are about to be turned upside down. I think they should know that Dad had an affair and as hard as Mom tried, she couldn't forgive him. I don't think that is too much information.

 

Ok, maybe I read too much into this. You seem really honorable with respect to your kids. I just thought this had the sound of vengeance in it. Sorry. Glad to be wrong. I'm sure you will do the right thing.

 

BTW vengeance by bringing in the kids = bad. Vengeance by telling the OW's BS = very very good. Vengeance by telling the WH's family, his employer, whoever else = good. Try that.

[Decorative]

In an earlier post she suggested that she wanted to tell them out of spite. That he had hurt her and she wanted them to know that. If she is just telling them information that they NEED to know, fine. But so far I don't see anything about why they need to be drawn into this at this time. Or ever. And she has said as much herself. Sure, counselling would be a great way to find out the best way to handle this. Shooting from the hip, not so much. It would not only harm the children to tell them out of spite but it would also diminish her in their eyes if she did that. She can see this I'm sure.

 

I didn't see that she said anything about telling them out of spite. I just went back and re-read her postings, and that doesn't seem to be a feature of anything she has written.

[Decorative]

Ok, maybe I read too much into this. You seem really honorable with respect to your kids. I just thought this had the sound of vengeance in it. Sorry. Glad to be wrong. I'm sure you will do the right thing.

 

BTW vengeance by bringing in the kids = bad. Vengeance by telling the OW's BS = very very good. Vengeance by telling the WH's family, his employer, whoever else = good. Try that.

 

How about vengeance=never?

 

Telling the truth of a situation so that the involved people understand what is going on- whether it be work, children or extended families isn't vengeance. And I cannot fathom why you think SOT telling her children the truth will make them turn on her/diminish her? You must not think very highly of her children. SOT is not the wrongdoer to her family in this situation. Her spouse is making bad choices. He can choose to make different choices from this point forward, if he wishes.

 

You are putting an agenda on telling the truth that isn't there.

Edited December 30, 2012 by Decorative

[CantgetoveritNY]

How about vengeance=never?

 

Telling the truth of a situation so that the involved people understand what is going on- whether it be work, children or extended families isn't vengeance. And I cannot fathom why you think SOT telling her children the truth will make them turn on her/diminish her?

 

DEC - from the OP: "Dad had an affair and as hard as Mom tried, she couldn't forgive him."

 

That is not a guilt trip? That is not a plea to take sides? Sorry, if that is her motivation, it will back fire. The kids will see her as weak. Pitiful. She does not want that. She has since made it clear that was a moment of weakness and no longer a motivation for her. I commend that. I'm sure if she does tell them she won't make it about her being hurt and that they should side with her to hate him.

[Survivor12]

DEC - from the OP: "Dad had an affair and as hard as Mom tried, she couldn't forgive him."

 

That is not a guilt trip? That is not a plea to take sides? Sorry, if that is her motivation, it will back fire. The kids will see her as weak. Pitiful. She does not want that. She has since made it clear that was a moment of weakness and no longer a motivation for her. I commend that. I'm sure if she does tell them she won't make it about her being hurt and that they should side with her to hate him.

 

Actually, by that statement, she would be taking responsibility for the breakup of the marriage. In other words, even if her husband ended the affair and tried to save the marriage, she is unable to forgive. Nothing weak or vindictive about it. As a matter of fact, showing her children that they can trust her to be honest with them and that she is strong enough to stand up for herself and her needs are two very important life lessons--as is understanding that actions do have consequences.

[Decorative]

DEC - from the OP: "Dad had an affair and as hard as Mom tried, she couldn't forgive him."

 

That is not a guilt trip? That is not a plea to take sides? Sorry, if that is her motivation, it will back fire. The kids will see her as weak. Pitiful. She does not want that. She has since made it clear that was a moment of weakness and no longer a motivation for her. I commend that. I'm sure if she does tell them she won't make it about her being hurt and that they should side with her to hate him.

 

That is not a guilt trip, by my read. The opposite, actually. It's being honest and open.

 

And as someone who has actually done this, and told our kids the truth, I can tell you first hand- they did not see me as weak. They were grateful for the truth, and the stability it brought in a very rough time. They knew they could trust us as their parents to be honest with them. It helped us all recover. No more lies.

 

I have no idea why you are putting all these extra motivations towards her, or towards her children. It's rough to assume her children will see her as weak and pitiful for admitting that her spouse made bad choices, and that she may choose not to reconcile. I am not even sure how a person arrives at that conclusion. It's very much blaming the victim.

Edited December 30, 2012 by Decorative

[CantgetoveritNY]

 

It's rough to assume her children will see her as weak and pitiful for admitting that her spouse made bad choices, and that she may choose not to reconcile.

 

.

 

Her children will not see her as weak b/c he made bad choices. Not at all. They will see he made bad choices even if she does not deliver that news. But if she is the one to tell them she thinks his choices were bad and she tells them bc she wants them to take her side, then that will diminish her in their eyes. I don't assume she is that shallow. You do. She does not have to make any effort to reconcile. None. She just should not denigrate the WS to the children. Let them come to their own conclusion.

 

Do you forget I'm a BH with young children? You think I'm not tempted to tell my children that my WW is a worthless slut? It's not good for them to hear that from me. If they do they may repeat the pattern themselves. Does the OP want Her boys to do the same with their wives as her H did to her?

 

They will know the truth soon enough. And if we let them find out for themselves will tell them volumes about who we are and who the WS is.

 

Keep to the high road screwedover. I hope I can too. I'm tempted to sink to the gutter like others suggest. So far I've not done that.

[screwedovertwenty]

What you quoted is exactly what I plan to tell them if this does not work out, unless a counselor tells me otherwise. He will be with me when we tell them. I am not planning on telling them alone. I honestly see nothing wrong with that. I am not going to let my kids imaginations go crazy. They will know the truth, not the details. Hopefully it wont come to this.

[Decorative]

Her children will not see her as weak b/c he made bad choices. Not at all. They will see he made bad choices even if she does not deliver that news. But if she is the one to tell them she thinks his choices were bad and she tells them bc she wants them to take her side, then that will diminish her in their eyes. I don't assume she is that shallow. You do. She does not have to make any effort to reconcile. None. She just should not denigrate the WS to the children. Let them come to their own conclusion.

 

Do you forget I'm a BH with young children? You think I'm not tempted to tell my children that my WW is a worthless slut? It's not good for them to hear that from me. If they do they may repeat the pattern themselves. Does the OP want Her boys to do the same with their wives as her H did to her?

 

They will know the truth soon enough. And if we let them find out for themselves will tell them volumes about who we are and who the WS is.

 

Keep to the high road screwedover. I hope I can too. I'm tempted to sink to the gutter like others suggest. So far I've not done that.

 

Nothing I have said indicates I believe SOT is shallow. I have zero idea why you would suggest I think that. Unless you can bolster that with a quote of my words,I would appreciate it if you did not say that again. I trust that she will treat her children with respect and honesty, and if it comes to the point where she needs to tell them, that she will do so with grace, and they will respond in kind.

 

I don't forget that you are a BH with children.

 

I am just confused by your attititude about telling. No one on here is advocating to call anyone a worthless slut. No one.I think you are projecting something that isn't being said. Now you are saying if she tells the kids they will repeat the pattern? Based on what?

 

And I haven't seen anyone suggest to "sink to the gutter"- you call telling the truth that, which is confusing. And if you think your spouse is a worthless slut, then no, you should not tell them. That attitude is too hostile to help.

 

My youngest was 7 almost 8, when all of this went down. My oldest was 14. We told them each in an age appropriate way, without too much detail, in a way that took the burden off them. My children and my spouse, and myself- we all have a close relationship now, and have fixed many of the hurts that happened along the way. In our situation- the truth was necessary. I never name called, nor did my spouse attack me when we explained.

 

 

Not everyone tells their children. I understand that- and I recognize that every situation is different. But there are ways to tell them the truth with kindness- and without name calling, that are not destructive.

Edited December 30, 2012 by Decorative

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think your strategy with the kids is spot on here. Tell them what they need to know, when they need to know the information. The polygraph is a tricky thing sometimes. It is practically fool proof for what it was designed to do. If you want to know if he cheated more than the times he has already admitted to, then it is a perfect tool. If you want to know how somebody feels, then it is a lot less effective, since the question is somewhat subjective in nature. I would recommend that you meet with the examiner yourself and discuss what you want to know. How the test is developed and administered is a key. Questions need to be quantifiable and not subjective. He can't really beat the test per se, but subjective questions can give you inconclusive results.

 

You already know that he has been unfaithful, so that part is not really in question. You also seem to be able to forgive IF, he has told you the complete truth, so that you have a point to build from here forward. You need to decide what you will do if he fails the test or more importantly if it is inconclusive. I think you need to have a very frank discussion with him prior to the test that HONESTY is a must. Bad news does not get better with age and if he has any love for you at all that he will give you the courtesy of being completely open an honest. If he can't do that, then the reconciliation will be in vain. Best of luck to you and your family.

[ladyinthemts]

I'm so sorry about your trust being broken. Stay strong and I hope you find some peace, even if that means screaming and smashing some stuff.

[screwedovertwenty]

Well, he gps'd himself into a corner. I watched him leave work on his break. He had just called me and left me a message that he was on the way to the dealership with his car. Her house is on the way. I got online and started watching his every move. He drove past the turn to go to her house. He then parked at a gas station and called me back and I answered. He told me that he was on his way to the car place. I said okay. We hung up and he got back on the road. He turned back towards her house. He got there at 3:02 and left at 3:05. Then he took her to a park and was there by 3:07. I called him and told him that I knew exactly where he was and that she was with him. He denied it. I watched him leave the park and go back to her house and then go to the dealership. He called me back. I told him I knew he was lying. He still denied it. He was at the dealership for ten minutes and then went back to work.

 

**** my life. I hate him. He is still denying it. Why am I such a fool?

[Decorative]

Well, he gps'd himself into a corner. I watched him leave work on his break. He had just called me and left me a message that he was on the way to the dealership with his car. Her house is on the way. I got online and started watching his every move. He drove past the turn to go to her house. He then parked at a gas station and called me back and I answered. He told me that he was on his way to the car place. I said okay. We hung up and he got back on the road. He turned back towards her house. He got there at 3:02 and left at 3:05. Then he took her to a park and was there by 3:07. I called him and told him that I knew exactly where he was and that she was with him. He denied it. I watched him leave the park and go back to her house and then go to the dealership. He called me back. I told him I knew he was lying. He still denied it. He was at the dealership for ten minutes and then went back to work.

 

**** my life. I hate him. He is still denying it. Why am I such a fool?

 

You're not a fool for upholding your end of the marriage contract. And for trusting him. He's the fool.

 

It's time for action. Asking a current liar to tell the truth is not likely to yield a good result right now.

 

You need to cut off the supply of cake. Go dark on him. Let him go to her. Yank yourself out of the equation. It's time to expose their affair, and hefty bag his stuff.

[Furious]

Well, he gps'd himself into a corner. I watched him leave work on his break. He had just called me and left me a message that he was on the way to the dealership with his car. Her house is on the way. I got online and started watching his every move. He drove past the turn to go to her house. He then parked at a gas station and called me back and I answered. He told me that he was on his way to the car place. I said okay. We hung up and he got back on the road. He turned back towards her house. He got there at 3:02 and left at 3:05. Then he took her to a park and was there by 3:07. I called him and told him that I knew exactly where he was and that she was with him. He denied it. I watched him leave the park and go back to her house and then go to the dealership. He called me back. I told him I knew he was lying. He still denied it. He was at the dealership for ten minutes and then went back to work.

 

**** my life. I hate him. He is still denying it. Why am I such a fool?

 

 

 

Is the OW married?

[screwedovertwenty]

No. She is not. She is supposed to be a lesbian.

 

I finally broke down and told the exboyfriend from many years back. He is going to give me a place to stay and he is going to help me financially for a few days. I don't have anywhere else to go! I can't stay here anymore. I need to leave and think.

[2long]

Be careful of giving him 2 much information about how you know what you know.

 

You both know he's cheating, so you don't need 2 prove 2 him that you know. Let him keep guessing, and don't answer him when he asks you a direct question about how you know something.

 

-ol' 2long

[Furious]

No. She is not. She is supposed to be a lesbian.

 

I finally broke down and told the exboyfriend from many years back. He is going to give me a place to stay and he is going to help me financially for a few days. I don't have anywhere else to go! I can't stay here anymore. I need to leave and think.

 

I remember from your first thread that your husband told you she was just a friend and also a lesbian, I guess he expected you to believe that...wow.

 

I worry that you're going to stay with an old ex-boyfriend for a few days.

You're vulnerable and hurting, is there family or a girlfriend you could stay with?

[screwedovertwenty]

No. Unfortunately. My dearest friends are far away. My family doesn't know. I do not feel ready to deal with them yet. I hoped I wouldn't have to. I feel like I did a month ago. So heartbroken. I really don't know where else to go.

[Furious]

No. Unfortunately. My dearest friends are far away. My family doesn't know. I do not feel ready to deal with them yet. I hoped I wouldn't have to. I feel like I did a month ago. So heartbroken. I really don't know where else to go.

 

 

Please reconsider telling at least one family member.

 

I worry that by staying with the ex boyfriend and people find out, you will become the villain and your cheating husband comes out smelling like a rose.

 

If you're not ready to tell your family, just come up with an excuse as to why you need to stay with them for a couple of days.

 

I feel so bad for you, I can relate to how much you're hurting. (((hugs)))

Edited January 3, 2013 by Furious

[screwedovertwenty]

Nobody will find out and he will not take advantage of me. There is no way I am going to be the bad guy here. I have tried and tried and tried and he has lied and lied and lied. He doesn't know where I am going. I am not telling anyone. I will tell the kids that I have a petsitting job that I have to stay at for a few days. I can't do this anymore. I can't be here. I really have no where to go and he lives over an hour away. I don't even know where.

[Furious]

Nobody will find out and he will not take advantage of me. There is no way I am going to be the bad guy here. I have tried and tried and tried and he has lied and lied and lied. He doesn't know where I am going. I am not telling anyone. I will tell the kids that I have a petsitting job that I have to stay at for a few days. I can't do this anymore. I can't be here. I really have no where to go and he lives over an hour away. I don't even know where.

 

Take a deep breath, and reconsider, you're too fragile to take off, and no one knows where you are. You are smart and strong. Give yourself until tomorrow to get away.

[2long]

Remind me why you're leaving and he's staying with the kids? Don't let him accuse you of abandonment. If you file for divorce, he'll likely find out where you're staying, through your lawyers.

 

Be careful, and consider asking him 2 leave.

 

-ol' 2long