screwedovertwenty Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Well, I don't think we will be sticking together. I tested him. I called his job and they gave him the phone. He said the manager knew it was me, but he doesn't know me. Then I called a few days later, on Christmas Eve, and asked for him and said I was her and was told "he said he's too busy to come to the phone". That was good. Until I asked him later if he talked to her and he said no. Then I asked him if she called and he said no. He claimed that nobody ever told him that he had a phone call. I spent Chrismas eve upset while he took the kids to his families. He never told me he loved me or Merry Christmas all day Christmas. Nothing. When I asked he said he thought I was still mad. The day after Christmas, he went to his counseling session and was told he didn't need individual counseling. I told him that night that I was done. We still went to marriage counseling yesterday and he begged me to give him one more chance. I agreed to one more chance. Seventeen minutes later he called and left a message to her on the google voice number I obtained to try to pretend I was her. I had sent him a text from the number (on the 21st) saying it was her and this was the new number. He had me delete it from his phone the night that I sent it to him. He thought it was her. He either wrote the number down or just remembered it. He claims he was calling her to tell her that we were working things out and to please not call him anymore. The message that he left was clear. It said, "Hey it's me. I don't know if this is the number you gave me but I was just calling to see what's up." I gave him the final option of a lie detector test. Apparently I am not worth it and neither are the kids. 1
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Well, today I think I am taking a hammer and smashing my wedding rings to pieces!
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 No - sell! Gold is at a premium price! 8
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Hmm, can't they take them after they have been smashed? The rings really were not expensive at all. I really want to smash them!
BetrayedH Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I'm sorry to hear this. I think most of that crap "could" be explained other than him trying to reach out to her. And that's ultimately the worst violation of all. 1
Furious Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Well, I don't think we will be sticking together. I tested him. I called his job and they gave him the phone. He said the manager knew it was me, but he doesn't know me. Then I called a few days later, on Christmas Eve, and asked for him and said I was her and was told "he said he's too busy to come to the phone". That was good. Until I asked him later if he talked to her and he said no. Then I asked him if she called and he said no. He claimed that nobody ever told him that he had a phone call. I spent Chrismas eve upset while he took the kids to his families. He never told me he loved me or Merry Christmas all day Christmas. Nothing. When I asked he said he thought I was still mad. The day after Christmas, he went to his counseling session and was told he didn't need individual counseling. I told him that night that I was done. We still went to marriage counseling yesterday and he begged me to give him one more chance. I agreed to one more chance. Seventeen minutes later he called and left a message to her on the google voice number I obtained to try to pretend I was her. I had sent him a text from the number (on the 21st) saying it was her and this was the new number. He had me delete it from his phone the night that I sent it to him. He thought it was her. He either wrote the number down or just remembered it. He claims he was calling her to tell her that we were working things out and to please not call him anymore. The message that he left was clear. It said, "Hey it's me. I don't know if this is the number you gave me but I was just calling to see what's up." I gave him the final option of a lie detector test. Apparently I am not worth it and neither are the kids. I feel so bad for you, you've tried so hard, given your husband so many chances. Sorry to say, but cheap forgiveness is what an un-remorseful and still lying WS hopes for. You need to focus on you, you need to do a 180, you need to seriously get your ducks in order, you need to find the courage to move on without him. You need to fight for yourself and not a false reconciliation. Get the help and support you need from those close to you. Keep strong 5
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how you must feel. I hope you stay strong. 2
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 I am working on that. I am going to figure out how I can financially do this. I need to figure out how to tell the kids. He is still here. I want to be the one to leave. He can stay here. I hate this house. He thinks that the kids don't need to know he cheated on me. I think they do. They are smart. They are teenagers. I think they can handle the truth better than more lies. 2
Arabella Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Did you confront him about the last voicemail he left? What a slimeball. Good luck to you. You deserve better than this.
jwi71 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I am working on that. I am going to figure out how I can financially do this. I need to figure out how to tell the kids. He is still here. I want to be the one to leave. He can stay here. I hate this house. He thinks that the kids don't need to know he cheated on me. I think they do. They are smart. They are teenagers. I think they can handle the truth better than more lies. If you are done then hire an attorney. Don't worry, you can use marital funds to pay for the D - and if you are w/o means to hire one, HE will pay (whether he likes it or not). In short, hire a lawyer and no matter what it comes from marital funds. Just ask your lawyer. That first info session will be eye opening as to what your law is (alimony, support, division of assets and etc). So go. As far as the kids go give them age appropriate truth - and as teenagers I think they are old enough to know that you are leaving because of their father's affair. Then file for D, move out, and go to therapy for you (grief) and with the kids (help cope with life change). 4
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Did you confront him about the last voicemail he left? What a slimeball. Good luck to you. You deserve better than this. Yes. I played it for him. He said he didn't keep the number. He just remembered it. First he said it was still on his phone. I reminded him that I personally deleted it so I knew it wasn't there. He said he was calling her to tell her not to bother either of us any more. He used someone elses phone to call from. I told him last night that he was still sneaking behind my back, nomatter what he was trying to say to her. I offered him the option of the lie detector test. He declined. I am done. I do deserve better. So much better! 3
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I am working on that. I am going to figure out how I can financially do this. I need to figure out how to tell the kids. He is still here. I want to be the one to leave. He can stay here. I hate this house. He thinks that the kids don't need to know he cheated on me. I think they do. They are smart. They are teenagers. I think they can handle the truth better than more lies. The most important thing you can do right now is talk to a lawyer. If you H makes a good living an attorney will talk to you without payment b/c he can collect from your H. Get a recommendation from someone you know who had good results from a divorce in the past. Don't hesitate. Even if you don't end up divorced you need to get the knowledge that only a divorce lawyer can give you. Knowledge is power and in your case will bring money too. 3
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Honestly, that is such intensely personal - and ADULT - information that you don't need to visit it on your kids. Do your teenage kids really need to know what goes on in your bedroom? Don't burden them with this just to put the screws to your husband. Don't get me wrong - he deserves to be tied to a tree and honey poured all over him so the fire ants can have a feast. But isn't it enough to simply tell them that the marriage is over because their father chose to behave in a way that was disrespectful to the marriage? If they want to know, tell them they need to talk to their father. Let HIM dig his own grave. They need to know why their lives are about to be turned upside down. I think they should know that Dad had an affair and as hard as Mom tried, she couldn't forgive him. I don't think that is too much information. 6
Minka333 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 He doesn't have a heart so he don't deserve your heart. Move on and count your other blessings. 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 They need to know why their lives are about to be turned upside down. I think they should know that Dad had an affair and as hard as Mom tried, she couldn't forgive him. I don't think that is too much information. You don't need to tell them hes a scumbag. Take the high road. Say nothing negative. They will figure it out themselves and think all the more highly of you b/c you did not sling mud when you could.
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 Well, he thought about it and decided he would do the test if that is what I wanted. Not exactly sure how I feel now. I am just going to figure out my life. I will keep investigating and I will try to plan two futures. With him or without him. It's going to take a while before we can afford to live separately anyways. I quit my job on Wednesday. I had a freak out moment. I checked to see if I was scheduled next week and I am. I called my boss and apologized, and told him that I didn't really want to quit but that I needed some time to figure out my life. He told me to just come in and talk to him and that I still have a job. So, I am going to take a couple weeks to get everything as figured out as possible. We are supposed to go to our MC again on Tuesday morning, but I canceled that appointment the other night after I listened to the call. He tried to call the counselor yesterday. He said he wanted to explain to her why he called the OW. He left her a message but she didn't return the call. My next appointment with my IC is on Wednesday. It will be my second appointment. The first was the seventeenth. It seems like so long ago. I talked to a lawyer on the phone last week. He is a regular customer at the restaurant where I work. He advertises as a DUI lawyer but when I called and asked for a referral to a divorce lawyer he told me that he did divorces too. He talked to me on the phone for a while, and told me that I needed to come in. I was going to come go in Thursday but couldn't make it, so I am going to call him next week and try to get in to talk to him. I told my husband that if we divorce, I have no choice but to hate him. By refusing to take the test, he was telling me that I am not worth a stupid test. Therefore, he is not worth any more of my time. I told him that if this is how it ends, I will hate him for the rest of my life. He will always be the guy who didn't love me enough to take a stupid test, and to me that proves that he never loved me. I reminded him of my brother, whom I haven't spoken to in almost a decade because of lots of many wrongs he has done to the family, including remaining friends with the guy who molested my nephew. I told husband if this is how it's going to be, then he is worse than my brother and that is how he will be to me forever. There will be no getting back together later. There will be no friendship later. I will do my best to forget every fake memory I have of him for the last twenty years. And I will go on with my life without him, and will not give him anymore thought than is neccessary for the kids. I think that is the conversation that made him realize that I was serious and that this is serious. He asked me, "Worse than your brother?? Really??" I told him WAY WORSE! He knows I waste no time thinking about my brother and that I will never speak to him again. So, I guess that is where I am. I am not really sure where that is.
Furious Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Well, he thought about it and decided he would do the test if that is what I wanted. Not exactly sure how I feel now. I am just going to figure out my life. I will keep investigating and I will try to plan two futures. With him or without him. It's going to take a while before we can afford to live separately anyways. I quit my job on Wednesday. I had a freak out moment. I checked to see if I was scheduled next week and I am. I called my boss and apologized, and told him that I didn't really want to quit but that I needed some time to figure out my life. He told me to just come in and talk to him and that I still have a job. So, I am going to take a couple weeks to get everything as figured out as possible. We are supposed to go to our MC again on Tuesday morning, but I canceled that appointment the other night after I listened to the call. He tried to call the counselor yesterday. He said he wanted to explain to her why he called the OW. He left her a message but she didn't return the call. My next appointment with my IC is on Wednesday. It will be my second appointment. The first was the seventeenth. It seems like so long ago. I talked to a lawyer on the phone last week. He is a regular customer at the restaurant where I work. He advertises as a DUI lawyer but when I called and asked for a referral to a divorce lawyer he told me that he did divorces too. He talked to me on the phone for a while, and told me that I needed to come in. I was going to come go in Thursday but couldn't make it, so I am going to call him next week and try to get in to talk to him. I told my husband that if we divorce, I have no choice but to hate him. By refusing to take the test, he was telling me that I am not worth a stupid test. Therefore, he is not worth any more of my time. I told him that if this is how it ends, I will hate him for the rest of my life. He will always be the guy who didn't love me enough to take a stupid test, and to me that proves that he never loved me. I reminded him of my brother, whom I haven't spoken to in almost a decade because of lots of many wrongs he has done to the family, including remaining friends with the guy who molested my nephew. I told husband if this is how it's going to be, then he is worse than my brother and that is how he will be to me forever. There will be no getting back together later. There will be no friendship later. I will do my best to forget every fake memory I have of him for the last twenty years. And I will go on with my life without him, and will not give him anymore thought than is neccessary for the kids. I think that is the conversation that made him realize that I was serious and that this is serious. He asked me, "Worse than your brother?? Really??" I told him WAY WORSE! He knows I waste no time thinking about my brother and that I will never speak to him again. So, I guess that is where I am. I am not really sure where that is. You're doing great. I like how you said you are working on two plans, one with him and one without him. You're getting legal advice, you're in the process of putting your ducks in order You are empowering yourself! You've also put your foot down, you will not tolerate more lies, and have demanded respect. The ball is in your husbands court now, he must either get serious and honest or you will move on without him. You're being very strong and very smart. 2
Decorative Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 They need to know why their lives are about to be turned upside down. I think they should know that Dad had an affair and as hard as Mom tried, she couldn't forgive him. I don't think that is too much information. We told our children- and they were younger than yours at the time. Children fill in the blanks with worse in their imaginations, and take on burdens of blame. I do not regret telling our children, at all. 2
Decorative Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 You don't need to tell them hes a scumbag. Take the high road. Say nothing negative. They will figure it out themselves and think all the more highly of you b/c you did not sling mud when you could. Gently- telling the truth is not slinging mud, should she choose to do so. Be careful- some of us- and some of us in happily reconciled marriages, upon the advice of professionals- have told our children. And itms not slinging mud to tell the truth. 1
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 I also got on the AT&T family map plan, so that I can keep track of him. I did that a couple days ago. He may or may not realize that he is locatable by his phone. He got a text message from AT&T, but he usually doesn't know what they mean and ignores them. Last night I watched him leave work, go to the store and to the bank and then come home. I am considering buying a voice activated recorder to put in his car. 1
Author screwedovertwenty Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 We told our children- and they were younger than yours at the time. Children fill in the blanks with worse in their imaginations, and take on burdens of blame. I do not regret telling our children, at all. Since he said he would take the test, I will wait to tell the kids. I don't want to say anything to them if we work it out.
Decorative Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Since he said he would take the test, I will wait to tell the kids. I don't want to say anything to them if we work it out. That's good. We did work it out, and our children did know. And they have watched us keep or family together and pull together. If you decide, after you have all the information, to tell them and then to reconcile- it can be okay, and work out quite well. 1
Decorative Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I also got on the AT&T family map plan, so that I can keep track of him. I did that a couple days ago. He may or may not realize that he is locatable by his phone. He got a text message from AT&T, but he usually doesn't know what they mean and ignores them. Last night I watched him leave work, go to the store and to the bank and then come home. I am considering buying a voice activated recorder to put in his car. That is a good idea. Until you have a clear picture of what is going on- then I think you are right to investigate however you can.
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Since he said he would take the test, I will wait to tell the kids. I don't want to say anything to them if we work it out. Why tell them ever? Do you need their support to give you the strength to do what you need to do? They can figure it out for themselves. Kids are not stupid. Are you afraid he will tell them his side of the story? They will still figure out the truth. Don't ask them to take sides. They are your kids. You want them to still love him and him to feel that they do love him. You don't want them to hate him right? Telling them is signalling that you want them to hate him. If the cheater asks them to take his side they will run in horror. If you ask them to take sides they will pity you and give you lip service but pity you as too weak to do the right thing, that is, let them make up their own minds. If you do let them make up their own minds you will be far better off.
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