Justtiredofit Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 On Chritmas Eve, I ASKED her if she would be willing to just be separated for an indefinite period of time. NO RESPONSE. So I told her Christmas morning that I will not be moving forward with the divorce, but that she could. NO RESPONSE. So Wednesday night I put the papers in the mailbox. Then sent her a text saying that I tried to do it as people suggested but I just can't and that I just want out. NO RESPONSE. Then yesterday (Thursday) she texts "I can't turn them in by Friday bc my schedule is so hectic". I didn't respond. Then last night: "I need 50/50 this, 50/50 that, hope you are agreeable to these additions." I didn't respond. 20 minutes later: "Are you not going to say anything". So I texted back just sign & turn in the papers with the additions. Then she texts "What is the hurry". This just seems like another one of her SICK games......?
Yasuandio Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Here's what may be happening. There are two kinds of divorces - the emotional divorce and the legal divorce. You have been suffering with the emotional side of the divorce, and it pushes her AWAY. (I'm reffering to the push-pull dynamic). Now - you have moved to acceptance, and have put the legal divorce into serious play, and are going through with it, as you should. This effectively removes you from that sense being "in limbo," and also removes a lot of pressure and uncertainty for you. Now - that is on her plate. (She now stalls, and says, "what's the hurry? - she's "pulling" because you are drifting AWAY from her control). My recommendation is to continue with no contact, and to pursue the legal divorce. There is no reason for a "separation for an indefinate period of time" with a person that is unwilling to respond to a simple question (her tactic sounds a bit passive-aggressive). Just because you continue the legal divorce does not mean you have to get the divorce. If your wife determines she does not want the divorce she simply can indicate she DOES NOT WANT THE DIVORCE. In that case, you can work on trying to reverse the emotional side of the divorce whilst proceeding with the legal divorce, as the legal divorce can be discontinued at any time. But your wife first need to indicate to you the following, in some way or fashion: "I love you, do not want a divorce, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage." Until you receive the above information, you can consider yourself on the road to a divorce, it is that simple. If it is any consolation to you, thank your lucky stars she is only asking for 50%/50, get those papers signed and filed. And also, remember, too, when people get divorced, re-marriage is also an option. But what IS NOT an option is game playing with your mind by "going-mute" while your emotions are in termoil, and you have the need to know, and the right to know what the heck is going on. I hope this helps. Yas 1
Author Justtiredofit Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Thanks Yas, that's what I thought but wasn't sure. When she left me on Jan 3, 2011, I filed. It has been on the docket since Jan 10th 2011 and still is. When she got the papers back then, she changed her tune. After signing a YEAR LEASE at that time on Jan 3, 2011, on Jan 21, she was sending "I miss you....come watch TV with me" texts. By Jan 31 she asked me to come over for sex, crying that she loooooves me, and then 5 days later called and got out of her lease (I was with her, she was VERY convincing). Back to now, the 60 day waiting period has long expired, and she knows that once she signs the agreement, I will turn it in, and my attorney will give it to the judge the next day. Maximum time, 4-5 days, says my attorney. So my STBXW knows that it is now just a matter of days before she will be divorced for the second time. To me, this just looks like games, games, and more GAMES....?
UpwardForward Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 It would seem that the so-called 'games' determination is based on how serious she is regarding who ever else is in her life at the moment, or what her confused mind wants for her life at the moment. Also it seems she would probably prefer much of the time to have you in her life (at least at an arm's length) while exploring other options. One could call these actions 'midlife crisis' or whatever - but bottom line: You don't want to live your life without complete commitment - from Anyone. 1
Yasuandio Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 To me, this just looks like games, games, and more GAMES....? Yes. And you are "Just.Tired.Of.It," correct? Following through on aformentioned will be the endgame ala the legal divorce, and you will be out of one sort of limbo. You must stay NC. Even I have great difficulty staying NC after 4 years. It is not easy. There seems always disfuntional tenticles reaching out for one in a gamey former marriage. Beware. Yas
Author Justtiredofit Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Hey UpForward, thanks for responding! She HAD a "crush" on one of my best friends. I exposed that out in the open to everyone, she became irrate. He became LIVID that she twisted his words into something they weren't (she was texting him under the guise of "what do I do about my marriage" and he thought that's al it was until I told him). When I told him about her feelings, he sent her a "Leave me the hell alone" text. Boy, she did NOT like that! Anyway, she now has NO ONE and has completely screwed up. But I cannot and will not go back. I have to get out for my own sanity. Besides, my friend (her "crush") said "Brother, if it's not me she's infatuated with, it'll be someone else." That's true and I can't handle that. No sir, don't want any part of it. 2
revitup Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Just Tired...You have a great attitude about this thing.You are going to do just fine. Love the screen name too.It sums up my exact feelings about my STBXWW. She also is having crushes and acting as a teenager.It drives my DD14 to anger. It is a game to some,we just don't have to play anymore. I for one,am glad that I picked up the ball and went home. Happy New Year Revitup
Author Justtiredofit Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 Ok.....now I'm on a rampage and about to let her know. But I don't want to lose the control I now have of all of this. With this, (below is quoted from one of my other posts). : "So Wednesday night I put the papers in the mailbox. Then sent her a text saying that I tried to do it as people suggested but I just can't and that I just want out. NO RESPONSE. Then yesterday (Thursday) she texts "I can't turn them in by Friday bc my schedule is so hectic". I didn't respond. Then last night: "I need 50/50 this, 50/50 that, hope you are agreeable to these additions." I didn't respond. 20 minutes later: "Are you not going to say anything". So I texted back just sign & turn in the papers with the additions. Then she texts "What is the hurry". This just seems like another one of her SICK games......? :mad:" I just want to answer her now with this: "What's the hurry? I don't want to sit here another MINUTE being separated but still married to you, while you justify talking to, texting, and probably texting nude pics again to some man, or maybe even dating and/or "hooking up" with some man, that you will never admit to. Because afterall, since we're "separated" it's ok for you to do such things, RIGHT? Nevermind the fact that we are still MARRIED and that it is WRONG? It makes me SICK thinking of what you are probably doing/have been doing and JUSTIFYING in your head that it's OK to do b/c you are so "angry" with me, and that it's all my fault.....THAT is what the hurry is about. Now hurry up with the papers!" But I'm afraid that if I do this, I'll lose the upper hand again...... Thoughts?
Yasuandio Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Don't do it. You will look like a crybaby. See my posted suggestion on your other thread. Yas
revitup Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I agree with the others...nope don't send that. Just be cool,I have seen these games as well. She needs to know that you are too busy and too smart to bother playing anymore. My DD14 just told me that what bothered her mom the most was that I didn't run after this time (like the other two times!!!). You can expect to hear "I thought you would fight for us" from her soon though.Just don't fall for that guilt trip.
aMguilts Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 `upper hand`??? I replied in your other thread but i`ll ask you here When(as you are on here asking advice) have you ever had `the upper hand`? The more you define this as a `game`, the worse off you will end up aM
aMguilts Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 `upper hand`??? I replied in your other thread but i`ll ask you here When(as you are on here asking advice) have you ever had `the upper hand`? The more you define this as a `game`, the worse off you will end up aM (ok, that really looked liked something yoda would say:rolleyes:) aM
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