GirlnPointer Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I'm new to these forums, so I hope I'm posting in the correct area. I guess I am an "Other Women". Here's the story: I met a man on Craigslist, which is crazy to begin with, but at the time, the guy I was seeing regularly for the past year had decided "I wasn't the one for him" and I was desperate to get him out of my mind, as I was really in love with him. So, I looked on CL, thinking, if nothing else, I can meet someone to exchange emails with. I was not looking to meet a married man...only single ones. I responded to this guy's post and he responded back. We exchanged many lengthy emails. Within the first week, I looked up the original email he replied to me with and through it, I found him on facebook. From the few photos I saw of his page, I could tell he had kids and in one of those photos I found his wife. While his page didn't say he was married, his wife's page did. The next day, without mentioning anything about facebook, I asked him if he was single, widowed, married, or divorced. He answered truthfully, saying that he was married, but that they were getting a divorce at the end of this school year (so as not to interrupt their kids' routine.) I told him that I could not date a married man. I just couldn't do it and that if we were to date, it should at the very least happen once the papers for the divorce have been filed. I told him I didn't want to be in an affair or the new found reason for the divorce (if it was truly happening, because until it happens, I'm skeptical.) He told me that for almost the past two years, his marriage has pretty much been over and his wife is more like a roommate now and that they are both remaining civil about things for the kids' sake. (His kids are 3 and 5.) He also told me that her parents supposedly know about the divorce, but his do not. He has kept in touch with me daily via texting and I have seen him at his work (he's a bartender) a few times. About a week ago, he told me he talked with his lawyer and also his wife and they have decided to begin the divorce process at the start of the year rather than waiting until the end of the school year. He is currently on vacation with his wife, her parents, and the kids on a trip to Orlando that has been planned for over a year (hence, why he's saying he was going.) They drove there this week, but he is flying back alone (the rest of them are driving back) and I am picking him up from the airport on Sunday and spending the day with him. We are also planning to spend the day together on January 1. His family returns home on the 2nd. The fact that he and his wife do things together makes me unconfortable, I guess because it makes me wonder if the divorce is really happening or if it is all an elaborate story to have an affair. I just don't know. I have requested to be his friend on facebook, but he claims he's doesn't go on facebook that much. However, the fact that he still didn't add me, makes me wonder if it's because he doesn't want me to see something. (His wife's mobile uploads are publicly viewable and she regularly tags him in photos of the kids.) Despite his seemingly honest and genuine attitude with me, I am still skeptical and probably will always be until I see the final divorce papers that he is getting divorced. I guess this is because I have read horror stories on the internet of women dating men who were separated or getting a divorce only to end up being brokenhearted when the man decided to stay with their wife after all. I also wonder how it is going to work with their house, because it sounds like they are both staying in the house until it is either sold or rented out. However, in my opinion, if they are getting a divorce, one of them needs to move out because it would just be weird to be living in the house with your ex, even if the reason for staying is purely for financial reasons. (I do not own a house, so please share your opinions on this if you have them!) I just think there needs to be a clear cut of ties before I can feel comfortable in dating him. Do you think I am being too picky about this issue? Also, do you think I should continue to pursue this relationship at all? I am ready for a relationship now, whereas with this guy (who I really like) is ready in his mind (based on what he's shared with me), but legally isn't available. I really don't want to get hurt and this relationship as it stands today is very risky, it seems. What are some questions I should ask him if you think it is okay to continue to see this guy? I am a 34 year old degreed professional in a stable job and quite independent...never married and no kids. I think I would like to have kids someday. He is a 38 year old bartender who has worked in the profession (along with hotel management) for 10 years. I don't think he went to college. He said he would consider having more kids, but that is would require surgery (i.e. reverse vasectomy). Please share your thoughts and opinions on the situation with me. If you need additional info, feel free to ask. Thanks for reading.
promises Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I think you already know your answer. And everyone here is going to tell you to run. 1
veryhappy Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 At 34, wanting kids waiting for a man to divorce is not the way to go. Reverse vasectomies don't always work and there was a reason he got one - he wanted no more kids. You'll be wasting time by getting invested. Tell him to contact you once he's divorced. For now he's playing daddy and husband in Orlando, and it takes a lot to go from that to divorced and having kids with a new woman. Leave him with all his drama. 3
coffeebean201 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Well he is obviously going through a tough time. He and his wife could still end up staying together. I liked your suggestion of friending each other on Facebook. Because although you want your privacy, you don't have anything to hide. I think he is looking for sex. That is why he was on Craigslist, rather than a dating website. If he is a good catch, you might give him more latitude. But if he is a selfish guy and hasn't talked to his parents about the problem yet etc, then I would probably walk away. Some of these OWs get in pretty deep, meet family members etc. and then the guy ends up staying with his wife. Like a surprise ending----even for him.
Author GirlnPointer Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 (edited) There is a naive OW born every minute. Well, I wouldn't consider myself naive, nor gullable. I have stated already that I am very skeptical of the situation and have been ever since this guy told me he was still married. (Honestly, I'm skeptical of most men these days.) I also agree with what the first person to reply said in that "I already know my answer". I guess I was just looking for reassurance/support from others in that I need to end this, as that is the right thing to do. Edited December 28, 2012 by GirlnPointer
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 You are wasting your time. This man is NOT leaving his wife, he's lied to you. All he is looking for is some fun on the side. Men who do this are scumbags. Tell him goodbye and move on. Ask your friends to keep an eye out for any single guys they know. If you are interested in meeting men, do NOT meet them on Craigslist. Try other sites that have a better reputation... OR just try meeting guys the regular way. Do not pursue this guy, do not believe a word he says. If you do, then you're playing with fire and WILL get burned. 1
Author GirlnPointer Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 I just re-read your post. You most certainly are naive and gullible and you were looking for reassurance from the board to MOVE FORWARD not end it. No, I was NOT looking for reassurance from a board like this to move forward. Are you crazy?! I was looking for reassurance to ending this ASAP as it is the right thing to do IMO and clearly, all the replies are in agreement with my thoughts.
Author GirlnPointer Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 (edited) The scary part is that if we all would have reassured you and posted a collective "go for it," you would have followed our advice: I simply posted this because, Hello?! Look at the title of this forum? "The Other Man/Woman"!!! I just joined and, as such, have not read any posts in this forum, but I am assuming that, if there is a forum titled "The Other Man/Woman", then there are actual people out there that are "okay" with the idea of being "The Other Man/Woman", knowing they are engaging in an affair. I have no desire to be in an affair. I posted that question to see what others that apparently are "okay" with such beliefs would say. Apparently, as I now realize, I should have just left that question/statement out of my original post. Edited December 28, 2012 by GirlnPointer
Author GirlnPointer Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Yes, that was apparent. Stay off the internet - the dating sites are chock full of married men. Would agree that the dating sites are probably full of married men, but there are some on there that are genuine. My sister met a great guy on a dating site. They are both divorced and were divorced when they met with clear cuts between the exes. They both have kids and now live as one big blended family. I also have another friend who married a man she met on an online dating site. But should I take your advice (i.e. do not meet men online), how would you propose I meet men? In my previous job at the hospital, I worked nights and weekends (every weekend.) Sleeping during the day made it difficult to meet respectable men, unless I stayed up 24 hours (which I did, on occasion.) I will soon be working an evening shift at the reference lab, M-F 3-11:30pm; not as bad as night shift, but my evenings (when most people have free time) will consist of work. Please advise.
neveragain34 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Leave now! No good comes of meeting a MM, separated or not, and anyone on CL! Everyone is right; MM go on there looking for affairs, knowing that any woman who has to resort to CL to meet men must not think much of themselves and will be an easy target to fool. Even if he was single, you want kids and he clearly doesn't or would not have gotten a vasectomy (which he has no plan on reversing; this is another lie.) Ruunnnnnnnnnnn!!
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 No, I was NOT looking for reassurance from a board like this to move forward. Are you crazy?! I was looking for reassurance to ending this ASAP as it is the right thing to do IMO and clearly, all the replies are in agreement with my thoughts. Question...why do you need reassurance from strangers to do what you according to you post is the right thing to do?
18Years2Late Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I think I just threw up in my mouth a little...what is wrong with all the POS A$$hats out there...I'm really getting so tired of reading the same shyte different MM...he's a disgusting pig looking to take advantage of a needy woman...and destroying his family all at once...kids 3 and 5???????...geez really????...and he just went vacationing with them????... OP run and run fast...DO NOT meet up with him at the airport...DO NOT...this man is not leaving his family...and he's fishing on CL for goodness sakes...gross?!?!?!?...RUN and don't look back...there's so many more fine upstanding members of society out there...u will find "the one" I promise...but NOT on CL... U are not that invested in this disgusting man yet...do yourself a favor and grab ur dignity and RUN like h&ll...u just can't imagine the pain u will feel later when u are invested...and top that off with the pain u will inflict on a 3 yo and 5 yo and their unsuspecting mother...he's a liar...and he will always be nothing but A LIAR... 1
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Why would a bartender need CL to find a hookup?
ThatJustHappened Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Because he's lazy. Or ugly :bunny:
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