Retroactive jealousy :/

[masky007]

Hello..

 

I try to stay as short as i can.. and include every detail that i think is important.

 

First of all- i have fallen in love just once.. childish love when i was 8 or 9 years old... that was the same girl i am with now..

In our teenage life at age of 13 or something like that we started to date somehow.. she was the first girl i kissed in my life, and i was her first guy to kiss...

Everything was so childish and honest .. and everything just ended like that..

 

But i left with the feeling that i am in love with her for the many years ahead... Trough out the teenage years, she had other boyfriends...

For many years whenever i hear about her and being with some boy.. hurted me... (i have punched my fist against the wall so many times so to relief that feeling back than) .. i was in depression for years.. i never wanted to talk to her but.. i was in love with her.. back than i felt betrayed (because she has been seeing other guys)...

After years of fighting this feeling in ways to find peace in myself i tried allot of things - at first i tried to stop loving that girl.. (because it hurted me much back than whenever i saw her with another guy or was just enough to hear about her)... but that didn't work out - though i dated girls when i was teenage - but i never find anything more than just short-term amusement in those random girls (i didn't had sex with any of them).. i would just date.. come to a point where i would seduce the girl.. and than i would stop calling her and ignore them (like an true idiot :S) ... (i am not sure why i didn't tried to have sex till now.. maybe as my girlfriend said - maybe i didn't want it without emotions - i don't think this is entirely true - i wanted sex.. but never wanted to see girls who were boring (at least for me).. it was always easier to satisfy my self .. (now i know how wrong i was i didn't tried it out earlier ) .

 

And after years.. (i remember it was 2009) when i came to a point where i learned to love her truly as a person, as whom i cared allot..

Somehow i managed to feel happy for her if she is happy (even though she was with someone else back than).... it was a good feeling.. i loved her.. and i lived in peace within myself... never expected to fall in love with another girl.. just.. i don't know how to explain.. i just .. accepted the fact i am not going to be with the woman i love and that's it..

-----------------------------------------------here the old history ends..

Last year (2011) we started dating again..

I never had real relationship before and i was still a virgin and i was 23 year old now.. (she was clearly not a virgin- i know she had boyfriend that she has been with for 2 years - but that didn't work out)...

 

We started dating again....

I was so "CLOSED" emotionally i couldn't even talk to her when we started to talk about emotions and how we feel, about personal stuff and things.. i remember i was shaking i was with a grunch in my heart (all those years.. all that i was sucking up in myself.. and now suddenly ... BOOM she is sitting to me.. we are talking...

(i won't talk much for that period we were together but after couple of moths we had a quarrel and we stopped seeing each other)...

And i feel obliged to say that she turned me from very closed - to open person about feelings.. when i see myself back there... :S..

She had to go trough very unpleasant events with me for that ( i lied about many things to her at the beginning.. about my sex life and stuff like that :/ )

 

... After we stopped seeing each other i dumped in a depression.. which i came out of it in a relative short period of time (maybe 2 months)... i accepted that i would never be with her again... and that's it... (as earlier)... but that's no true living for me.. there was no real passion in life for me.. but that was it i just had to accept it...

 

But after 3 months suddenly we started seeing each other again.. this time we entered in a relationship .. we were together... we started - we committed this time... everything happened real fast .. very positive things.. but negative as well..

This time i lost my virginity with her.. she was the first girl i slept with...

--------------- this is were the present story begins:

 

There was nothing even close to retroactive jealousy in myself before i had sex...even though i thought about her being with another man before me.. it wasn't bothering me at all..

But now... now is different story...

 

First i noticed it when my erectile dysfunction (ED) popped up..

Sometimes i couldn't get it hard enough so i would have intercourse.. (i think it's psychological or maybe i have low testosterone levels - i am investigating this and trying to eliminate my ED 100%)....

 

So when my ED started to show up... than i would be nervous.. ashamed, angry.. than i started comparing how good i am in sex.. were i am disappointing her.. etc etc...

When these feelings triggered in my head - than little by little my retroactive jealousy came to me..

By days i was obsessed with my girlfriends past sexual life...

I never cared before... Now i cling to learn about it..

I know that she had sex with one another man for sure (and i don't feel bad about this at all... i don't mind she is not a virgin at all - actually before i had sex i always wanted more experienced woman that was turning me on - but... this time because i love that girl .. it's different)

-Sometimes i'am picturing her doing things with some of her ex boyfriends ... like erotic sounds she does when we have sex.. holding her as i do....and that feels as a present when you imagine it (it's a bad feeling :/) ..

 

-Sometimes i'd start to guess the number of guys she has slept with.. and i am guessing 4 or 5 guys (including me).. and maybe they are more.. i am just imagining.. and i don't feel good to think about her as a "bad girl" - even if she did it in the past.. probably she is not proud of some things.. but that's history.. i know that.. but somehow deep in myself i don't feel keen to accept that...

-My comfort zone would be if she had slept with me, and her last ex - THAN I KNOW i would live in peace(and i would experience 0 retroactive jealousy)... but i highly doubt that this is the case :S ...

 

Even though i know even if the number is grater than 5 sexual partners (for the age and community we live in - i can say that number is somewhat exemplary for a attractive smart intelligent self accomplished and modern woman as she is) I would say EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH THAT.. for any other girl.. i am really ok with that number.. but somehow i am not comfortable when the word comes about her.

 

I have tried to deeply analyse myself, observing myself objectively as much as i can, about how i feel and WHY i feel like this and i came to conclusion that..

What really bothers me is that I MYSELF as a "male" i am much less experienced (and that's somewhat what i can't accept that easy).. because i wanna level with my girlfriend at least..

When i put myself in situation where i had other sexual experience in my life earlier... and than i don't feel retroactive jealousy...

 

I have tried not to think about this.. but sometimes it's popping up in my head.. and it's not pleasant :/ ... i want it out! it sucks being jealous

 

The issue becomes bigger because i am thinking for a future with her.. she loves me.. i love her.. and i would like to marry her in near future... (it's finance that i want to sort out first before asking for her hand).. And because of this i am scared if this feeling might stay in me trough out marriage - and i really don't want to torture her or myself with this irrational form of jealousy!!!

 

I thought it was a good idea to ask her about her past.. she got angry and it's very sensitive topic about her.. (ofcorse it is)..

But she didn't think it was a good idea to tell me.. she believe that would just make me feel worse.. (maybe she is right - i get her point totally)

 

And why i wanted to know? Because i want to stop to think and guessing (it's very hard on me) if she might or might not been with some guys.. (i don't want to know what she might have done in details, what she has tried .. NO I DON'T want to hear that at all- as long as she is keen to try everything i wanna try in sex with her)- Let's say oral sex - if sometimes i ask about it and she says she doesn't like it - (the first thing that comes to my head to ask is - have you tried it out with someone so you don't like it???) ..(that is not healthy lol.... i don't want to be like that to her OMG>>>)

 

I wanna know because i want to know the fact, stop guessing and to learn to live with the truth..

Because now my biggest problem is that i cannot level with her about sexual past experience... and i believe if i learn about those things it would be easier on me... accepting and learning to live with it... )

 

I wanna point out that she is psychologist and she is 25 years old now.. (i am 24)..

 

 

.. i am very much aware about myself.. i can see this from a different point of view - but still i need help..

I am not sure what to do..

To pressure her to tell me what i am asking her (but i don't wanna pressure her and make her talk about stuff she dose not!)... or to try to live with this information i have just like now .. (might be better option maybe actually)...

(even though she is psychologist i know she cannot be psychologist for us.. she is in love with me.. i am ... )

 

I need advice.. i really want to sort this thing as fast as i can.. i don't want to ruin our relationship - i want to grow it, build future with her...

 

I appreciate everything you have to offer.. (i would go to proffesional cousultant but in my country .. there is no such thing )

 

Thank You!

Edited December 28, 2012 by masky007

[Toddbt12y1]

You cannot make her. That would cause more conflict. You need to wait when she's ready to tell you -- if ever. Your problem is of your own doubts, and fears. Let them go. Tell yourself, when these thoughts pop up of her and other guys, that it doesn't matter, because it doesn't.

 

The past and what she has done is dead. Who she has slept with, is dead. Tell yourself this, as soon as these doubting thoughts come to play in your mind. Your mind is the battlefield, and only you can choose how the war is won: to drop it, and see yourself as the only man inwhich she is getting all her needs met by, or the jealous Guy, who cannot master his thoughts against these negative.

 

Do not force her. That can be a deal-breaker. No one likes to be put in such situations. You must accept her as your woman. She clearly likes you, so, do not ruin it by continuing in this path. It is dead. Build your own confidence up.

 

Tell yourself that you are the best she ever has or ever will. That is why she is with you, not them. When you make love, you please her the best -- no one else. She is pure in your sight, your Lady. Tell yourself this as these bad thoughts creep in.

 

 

We all have doubts. We all wonder. But we must be the master of these thoughts. You are plaguing yourself. It is all you, really. But remember, a relationship is one of open honesty. One day she might tell you. But now isn't the time; open honesty doesn't mean instantly. Give her time.

 

Then again, she may not tell you anything, and so what? Really such a personal matter, like who she slept with, is hers to know alone. She will share it when she wants too. Work on yourself.

Edited December 28, 2012 by Toddbt12y1

[coffeebean201]

Whenever your feelings for her get overwhelming, try thinking of her as a sister. And try to develop that sort of close love, that isn't suffocating, but loving and supportive.

 

 

Sounds like your feelings for her are suffocating.

 

So you need to develop ways to skillfully manage your feelings for her so you don't get overwhelmed.

 

You wouldn't question your sister about her sex life, so I don't think you should question your fiance/girlfriend about her past sex life.

[masky007]

i like both of your suggestions.. and i have to admit.. i am way ahead of this RJ now.. somehow i feel it as (not important as i saw it at first) - even i am surprised how fast i came to this point.. though the curiosity is still present in me (i would still like to hear that information).. but now at least.. i don't feel jealousy (or if i feel it.. is in the minimum) .. i am happy about this...

 

 

But.. this have left a scar in our relationship.. .. she feels rejected to me now.. :/ .. we had fights this whole week for stupid insignificant things (including the RJ) .. everything happened so fast.. so dark..

 

.. I feel because of the RJ that showed up in me.. i forgot that i love her.. i stopped caring that much for her.. how she feels - i have put myself as that mine matters most and i forgot about hers..

.. I wish it never happened, i wish i never asked the question...

 

Now our relationship is in a critical point...

We both want to be together.. we both want relationship.. we both love each other.. but this left a scar in her... (i know now i can control or even i can say cut out everything of the RJ that is left in me)... but she doubt's that now...

 

... I know what i must do now... i must bring up happy moments with her.. avoid any kind of quarrel, focus on the big picture.. leave the rest.. and focus on my girlfriend.. about her well being (cause i do really care).. and the well being of our relationship..

 

I hope that i will act correct and properly in future... it means allot to me to bring our relationship back to normal and healthy and happy one..

 

thanks for your advice guys.. it helped actually