laffing at you Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Hello all y'll, I want to give all you heart broken people some hope. I have been married 13 years. After 6 years of marriage I found out he was having an affair with a woman at his place of employment. It had been going on for over a year by time I found out. Once I found out, I called the woman, called my husband,who ran like a scared rabbit. I was done. Long story short,before I could move to back to my home state, my husband came home and begged forgiveness. I loved him then and I still do so I forgave him. I heard his side of the story and then I heard the other woman's when she called me and asked me why he dropped her like a hot potato. Anyway we chatted and all was well.Fast forward and I have learned that they only stayed away from each other for a few months,then proceeded to pick up where they left off. After all the anger and tears of a heartbreak, I now laugh directly at her. She will never meet his family or his kids. He has insisted he doesn't want to divorce me. She will never be in our circle of friends,all she can do is wait for him to come to her. Do I care? Not one bit. In fact I am giving him plenty of freedom to see her as much as possible, because while they may have their little fun world, I know my husband, and he's a bitch to put up with. I do what I want,when I want, and I am perfectly happy. The only thing that would make this perfect is if she would wash his skid marked under wear. But I guess with all sun a little rain has to fall. I know my husband loves me and I love him, and right now I'm going to push them together, and unless she has no self respect, they will fight and he will leave. I know I shouldn't be so amused by this but I am. I don't feel betrayed at all, I hold the cards. The last thing my husband wants is for his friends and family to find out he is a low down cheater. It just amuses me to see the lengths they go through,but it might not be so much fun now that I know and I am not reacting. I guess I am just secure knowing that I come first no matter what, and she hasn't realized yet, that as long as my husband is saying angry things about me,he still cares.And she is a little dirty secret he denies with every breath in his body. And if was going to leave me for her,he would have done it,he makes quick decisions and doesn't care what it cost him to do what he wants.sooooo No matter what hold fast to your heart because this too shall pass.
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Why don't you just kick him out and divorce him? Tell him to pack some bags, that you are DONE and he can go to her. The truth will come out and all the friends and family will find out that he had an affair and cheated on you. Or if you aren't wanting him to move out, then tell him you are going to find yourself an OM and you two can have an open marriage. What's good for him can be good for you as well.. Right? Though I'm sure he'll freak out - It's OK for him to do as he pleases, bang another woman but I doubt very much he'd be OK with you banging another man. 1
veryhappy Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Yes, it will work, it will likely die down years down the line and you'll keep the title of being his wife and all the goodies that come with your M. Do you hold all the cards? No, you don't. Your M is a sham and you accept it. You are afraid you'll lose him and that's why you don't demand he stops. Fear not, he'll stay with you. Put an end to it. 1
Furious Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Yes, it will work, it will likely die down years down the line and you'll keep the title of being his wife and all the goodies that come with your M. Do you hold all the cards? No, you don't. Your M is a sham and you accept it. You are afraid you'll lose him and that's why you don't demand he stops. Fear not, he'll stay with you. Put an end to it. As I see it, the poster of this thread is not much different than you. Why are you still in your sham of a marriage, why haven't you divorced your husband since you cheated on him. Are you staying married for the goodies that come from your marriage. If anything, perhaps you can shine a light on why cheaters don't divorce if they're so wrapped up in an affair. 5
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Ifyou are happy and ok with the scenario, than I am happy for you. Your best, true point,one I wishI could hammer home to many a kind and naive OW: As long as he has anger towards his wife, he still cares for her. The opposite of love, especially for a man, is NOT anger, but indifference. As long as he bitches, moans, complains about the wife, he still cares and has FEELINGS for her. Run away from any man complaining about his wife. He still loves her. When he stops complaining, when he doesn't care what she does or who she does it with, then......you may have a shot at a real relationship with that man. 4
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Laffng. Maybe this is a male thing, maybe it is an immature thing, but why does it not bother you that they are intimate? How can you look at him and not want to scream, knowing he is doing that with the ow?
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 As long as he has anger towards his wife, he still cares for her. The opposite of love, especially for a man, is NOT anger, but indifference. Not necassrly so? I hate my XHEX but its was all the crap she's done Post Relationship/Marriage/Divorce ~ not before nor during. I could care less who she's with and who's sleeping with. Actually pity the poor bastard! But, better him than me! I'm actually starting to come around, now that I've coming to understand that the XHEX has some serious mental, emotional, and personality handicaps that she has little or no control well. Oh well! Live goes on! To the OP? Whatever works for you! Its like the woman that told her neighbor that her husband thought he was a chicken! The neighbor told her that that must just be horrible! "Not really! She said! Lord knows we could use the money we get from selling the eggs!" It really comes down to what you make of it! What works for some ~ is intolerable to and for others. Who am I to judge? But by the Grace of God? There go I!
Thegameoflife Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Hello all y'll, I want to give all you heart broken people some hope. I have been married 13 years. After 6 years of marriage I found out he was having an affair with a woman at his place of employment. It had been going on for over a year by time I found out. Once I found out, I called the woman, called my husband,who ran like a scared rabbit. I was done. Long story short,before I could move to back to my home state, my husband came home and begged forgiveness. I loved him then and I still do so I forgave him. I heard his side of the story and then I heard the other woman's when she called me and asked me why he dropped her like a hot potato. Anyway we chatted and all was well.Fast forward and I have learned that they only stayed away from each other for a few months,then proceeded to pick up where they left off. After all the anger and tears of a heartbreak, I now laugh directly at her. She will never meet his family or his kids. He has insisted he doesn't want to divorce me. She will never be in our circle of friends,all she can do is wait for him to come to her. Do I care? Not one bit. In fact I am giving him plenty of freedom to see her as much as possible, because while they may have their little fun world, I know my husband, and he's a bitch to put up with. I do what I want,when I want, and I am perfectly happy. The only thing that would make this perfect is if she would wash his skid marked under wear. But I guess with all sun a little rain has to fall. I know my husband loves me and I love him, and right now I'm going to push them together, and unless she has no self respect, they will fight and he will leave. I know I shouldn't be so amused by this but I am. I don't feel betrayed at all, I hold the cards. The last thing my husband wants is for his friends and family to find out he is a low down cheater. It just amuses me to see the lengths they go through,but it might not be so much fun now that I know and I am not reacting. I guess I am just secure knowing that I come first no matter what, and she hasn't realized yet, that as long as my husband is saying angry things about me,he still cares.And she is a little dirty secret he denies with every breath in his body. And if was going to leave me for her,he would have done it,he makes quick decisions and doesn't care what it cost him to do what he wants.sooooo No matter what hold fast to your heart because this too shall pass. Married for 13 years. Found out at the 6 year mark he had another woman on the side. This was going on for a year already, so he was with her after 5 years of marriage. 13 - 5 = 8 This has been going on for 8 years? I'm totally calling BS on your post. You don't hold any card other than that you could just file for immediate divorce. You say you believe that if he was going to leave you, he would have done it already, and that eventually she'll figure him out, and leave him. After 8 years, I think you're right about the first, but I don't think she is going to leave him. I think that you make up this little dillusion to cover up the real truth. You're happier with a cheating husband than you were before. It's natural to do this, as you seem like a smart women, and you know that people would think things of you as much as they would of him. Essentially you're just living in an open marriage, where you just prefer to no be involved with the OW. You're not the first to do this. IMO, if you find yourself happier in this situation, I say that you should keep living like this than. In my observation, the people who stay married the longest, are the ones that focus on personal happiness, and then create a relationship dynamic that suits the marriage. Our culture teaches us static marriage rules that many stick too, but we're allowed to make our own rules to suit. She is basically just a friend he likes to hang out with, and they have sex. You like the free time to yourself that this enables. If you're not hung up on him having sex with her, it's really no different than him just hanging out with a friend. To each there own, and as long as you're happy, why bend to the judgment of others.
beenburned Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 So now your marriage is open? Or did you and your H just not discuss the affair? I honestly don't know that I could knowingly bury my head in the sand and pretend the affair doesn't exist!
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Essentially you're just living in an open marriage, where you just prefer to no be involved with the OW. She is basically just a friend he likes to hang out with, and they have sex. You like the free time to yourself that this enables. If you're not hung up on him having sex with her, it's really no different than him just hanging out with a friend. To each there own, and as long as you're happy, why bend to the judgment of others. Thank you Game. I did not get it before. I was totally confused as to what was the dynamic here. I see it now. She just does not care that he is sleeping with her. I did not care that my WW was best friends with her OM. Not at all. But when she took it physical, my world came to an end. I see that is not true for the OP. I still do not understand why the OP can tolerate this but I see that is the difference here. OP - tell me, how can you tolerate this? I'm not being snarky. I want to know b/c even though my WW is NC with her OM, I can't tolerate the knowledge that she slept with him. If I could get even a little bit of the tolerance you have I would be ok reconciling with my WW. Without it I'm in hell for the rest of my life. Help me OP. How can I learn to tolerate this?
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Your post doesn't sound happy to me, it sounds like you feel that you've won in the competition with the other woman on some level, just because you think he won't leave you. You sound smug about it but, I wouldn't think it's anything to be smug about. Plus you are keeping his secrets. Perhaps you are covering up the pain you feel and you are afraid of letting him know you are on to him. If he knows you know, he would expect you to kick him out? This way you keep quite and you don't have to upset the apple cart too much and things go on in some sort or normalcy, because both of you pretend it's not happening. Maybe your biggest motivator for keeping quite is fear of change and that you'd have to take action. Oh, god I hope you are not right LG. I hope the she has found a way to be ok with her H sleeping with other people. But something tells my you are right LG. There is no way to be ok with knowing your wife or husband is getting naked with an AP. OP- please tell me how it is ok.
BetrayedH Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I agree that the OP appears to think she has "won." I just don't see what she won. An unfaithful husband? I would hope she would shoot for more.
AbeNormal Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 Psychological terror – that is what I can't help but think. How do you cope? How do you try and make a construct where you are still “on solid ground”? You try and put those branches and rocks or, whatever you can find, beneath your feet to stabilize you – but deep down you know that you can’t survive long term that way. I can only guess how painful things really are for you. My heart goes out to you. 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I don't get it.... where is the fun part in the fact that your husband is banging someone else?? I am fine if you are happy with it but I still don't get how that would help anyone or give us hope.... I guess it wold give me hope if she had some great as of yet unknown way to be ok with knowing that your beloved one and only was getting naked and f**ing someone else. I've ask the OP this and got no answer. Maybe the OP is really an OM or OW wanting the BS to be happy with sharing. Not me. No way. Never. If my WW was not NC she'd be history.
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