3 Months, Still Struggling with Ex, Should I try for closure? :/

[britthal9]

A few basics...

 

-A really good friend of mine (current ex) and I dated for almost a year, he broke up with me a week before our one year, in september.

-We had a friend, lets call her "Lauren", who was jokingly our "3rd wheel" and I always tried to include her in everything we did to be a good friend, I feel like this backfired when me and lets call him, "Gavin" broke up.

 

Heres how our breakup went down. Everything was absolutely perfect up until about end of July. We saw eachother alot during the school year, when summer hit I went to Spain, he went out of town, but when we were in town it was frustrating because he couldn't hang out much, his parents are divorced and the ones he was staying with were strict. The nights we saw eachother were absolutely perfect, I didnt really say much about the lack of seeing eachother (he never got mad at me until school started), but it was a building frustration for me. In the midst of this seeing eachother maybe once a week, we both said our I love you's (this was at the end of june) and my feelings toward him were as strong as ever, with him being my first love, I just wanted to pull him in...our summer nights to together were pure passion. I never argued with him, I kind of stayed silent over the summer becuase I had my job, things were going pretty good for me. We got alot closer physically toward the end of July/ early August...we didn't go all the way, but just about. I felt as if though emotionally we were further behind than where we were physically. The few times we spent alone we were ramping up the physical aspect so much, and I felt like that's all I wanted to do when I was with him, because I barely ever saw him alone. We'd be in group settings and he just isnt the one to show much affection around people, but with some weeks, seeing him in the group setting was the only time I'd see him, it'd make me a little mad. This was different for us, because we were used to taking things really slow. This is a side detail but it'll make sense later: We barely hung out with Lauren that summer, I got really distance from her and I felt like he did as well. (Oh, and freshman year, Lauren did like this guy Gavin.)

 

Anyway, our break up happend so fast, I still cannot even comprehend it. It was over lack of communication, something I told him over the summmer we needed to work on. School started, the first day of school we hung out and everything was fine. Just within two days everything went down hill. At school he kept walking with Lauren to classes and I just felt like he wasnt putting alot of effort into wanting to see me, he was always with her, they'd stay after school alot as well, and this continued throughout when he was mad at me. We went to a football game just two days after we hung out (when everything was fine.) He gave Lauren a ride to the game, the whole football game she was standing between us and it was driving me insane, usually it wouldnt, but because of how much she was with him the past week, and because of how I barely got to spend time with him, it did. If she would of atleast moved for like 5 minutes, or offered to let me stand by him I wouldnt of minded, but I just felt liek she knew what she was doing and it wasnt bothering her. We left the game and were all waiting by our cars for my sister, everyone was really quite, I felt like Gavin would just share whatever opinion Lauren had to say about anything I said. Saying goodbye that night was the weirdest misque, neither of us kissed eachother goodbye, it was a misque between us, I know I looked mad, because I thought he had no intentions of kissing me goodbye. He drove Lauren home and til this day I think she said something in the car to make him hate me. That whole weekend he wouldnt text me.

 

The next week I thought he was ignoring me at school, he thought I was ignoring him. We were so off. He asked me to hang one day, then made a stupid excuse like, 'oh i have to bake cookies, lets do tomorrow.' then the next day, I hear from Lauren that she's hanging with him to study for some class! And he agreed! I went up to him that day after school and was like, whats the deal, we need to talk. He said "Yeah, but I have to stay now so cya." He ended up hanging with her. That night I had to beg Lauren to convince him to talk to me, finally he called. He would of never called to talk about anything if it wasnt for her. The arguement was horrible, I kept saying how I missed him and wish he treated me a little bit more like his girlfriend, and how I wish it could be last year again where things were so easy and fun. I knew in his voice when he said "well we'll see how things go, but we might be better off as friends."

 

 

The next week after not hanging out/ seeing eachother at all for the past week, he calls me up and is like, "I think we'd be better off as friends, cause that's all we've been acting." I didnt fight, I agreed we'd need to break because that'd be the only way to get this burden of stupid **** that was piling up between us off our shoulders. He said he still wanted to be friends and hang out and stuff, I thought it'd be easy. (he was my first real breakup) The phone call was calm and very unarguementive, we left it on good terms. No yelling or anything, we were both understanding, little did I know that was the last time he'd see eye to eye with me or remember who I was as a person.

 

 

But then, I felt like he was being really rude to me. He'd ignore me at the lunch table and just talk to Lauren. He wasnt treating me like a friend, she wasnt even talking to me either. I wrote him a letter (mistake, I was in psycho ex girlfriend mode and didnt even know it) saying I'd always be there for him, and I meant what I said about wanting to stay friends. I never once asked for him back. He never responded to the letter. He just started hanging out with Lauren more and more, eventually he "got so caught up with the drama" They both left our lunch table. We still sat next to eachother in math class, I was always friendly to him, but not like overly friendly.

 

More and more, I'm not caring as much about not being friends. But it hurts me so much how close we were and now he just roles his eyes I feel like whenever I try to talk to him. It hurts me he cant get over all this stupid **** above and just remember the good times, cause we had a hell of alot of them. Twice now he has liked two of my facebook things, and I'm assuming they were to mock me. The first one I had a status that was like "Wishing some memories would go away." (That was about probs with my parents not him- but both he and Lauren liked that status at the EXACT same time, how ironic, and I know they mock people on fb, I used to do it with them)...my ex boyfriend and ex friend teaming up, she probably likes him. The second time, he liked this truth is on my wall from this guy he hates. Just last week my friend out of the blue asked him if he'd ever consider getting back together with me and apparently he yelled, "HELL NO!", I dont know what I did to deserve such a cruel response. He can't like my status that I got accepted into college, or be happy for someone he once "loved" or wish me a happy birthday, but can like things I post going on aboout the hurt in my life?

 

 

We were one of those couples that started out best friends and took things really slow at first. Dating him, I never thought he'd ever end up resenting me this much; he loved my sister, he always said he was there for me. We had such amazing chemistry and we were literally best friends, we were so good at turning off the couple thing- thats what I loved about us. I think back to all these good times we have and I just dont understand why he resents me so much, especially because our breakup was so stupid, and it started over misunderstandings. I feel like I havent had a conversation of closure with him since our feelings for eachother have diminished and I feel like I really need that. But then, I feel like its irrevelvant if he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, I just dont understand why that is. I'd feel stupid initiating a convo if like, what if he doesnt if think about what happend with our relationship/friendship anymore. I know that Lauren, who he is always hanging with, probably filled his head with so much crap about me, because she likes him. She knows how powerful of a connection we had. I dont even want to get back together with him, I just want him not to hate me. It hurts so bad because she was such a good friend of mine and she left me for him. She fueled his hate toward me, shes one of those girls whos never had a boyfriend, who'll go after trash if she had a chance with it. It just makes me so angry that I always let her tag along with us, thinking I'm being a good friend. Now she has this vendeta against me, and so does he; we were all best friends a year ago, now I'm nothing but lost.

 

I'll never forget I told him one morning before Lauren and him stopping talking to me, I was like to him, "Gavin, I told you I didnt want you bad talking me like your other exes and I trusted you." He just looked at Lauren and laughed. This was like a couple days after we broke up.

 

I think I'll always love and care for him, cause I truely loved him. But my feelings for him are gone, I dont want to be in a relationship. I had something going on with this guy for a little bit like a month ago but I dropped it because I just didnt want to be in a relationship for awhile.

 

Anyway, we have the same group of friends. Our mutual friend invited ALL of us to the same new years eve party. Its us, and like 5 other friends. Idk if they'll go or not, I'm waiting for them to reply on fb first, cause I dont wanna feel like they didnt go cause of me. But if we all do end up going, idk what or how to act like, because they both hate me, she i'm 99% sure likes him. Should I just act cool and maybe hope to have good conversations with them? I never had a face to face conversation with him after the breakup, should I maybe try to get all the lingering questions resolved? I want to talk to him and tell him 3 things, 1) I'm sorry things have been so difficult with the breakup, I feel like alot of it we just couldnt help, thats what happens when two good friends take a chance. theres gonna be alot of bitterness. 2) Thanks for helping me discover what love really was, I dont have feeligns for you anymore but I have so many great memories with you and I'd like to focus on the 11 months of fun we had rather than the 1 of pity. and 3) I really hope you dont hate me. I would love, not even to be friends, but just to know that you dont have a resentment toward me, but we both can look back on the memories and smile.

 

Any thoughts? :/ sorry this is long. (oh, and we have a class now together too, and this class we really dont talk at all, we just ignore eachother.)

Edited December 28, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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