SunsetRed Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 Betterdeal, I loved your guide to NC I love it too. The hardest thing for me, still to this day, is to not stalk his fb profile. He's not on my friend list, but I can still type his name in the search box and see what he's up to. Its been a hard habit to break. 2
justcantletgo Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 NC for over 3 months now. It has been a tumultous, painful process. Sorta like a rollercoaster, up and down process. I went from crying my eyes out everyday, feeling this tremendous sense of loss, breaking NC and sending him unresponded messages (she took away all forms of his communication like she told me after DDay), hating him and wishing him (or his BW) death (I know it's extreme lol), stalking his BW and their families online activities and taunting her there to piss her off to completely feeling totally indifferent about it for the whole week which was around Christmas, like I totally didn't care or felt nothing about them for a week, never checked on them online and at one point, I even thought, wow, looks like I am finally over him!!! I realized it's because I was too busy and I was getting enough love and attention from friends and different people. Then as soon as the holidays festivities were over, I went back to missing him like crazy, wishing he'd contact me again, and hoping he will realize I was what he wanted all along (nevermind if he already left me a message through his BW social media site admitting he just played me, not sure if he wrote it just to pacify her since it's in her account, or she dictated it or he wrote it on his own free will. Regardless, it still hurt like hell) Part of me wanted to move on so bad coz I knew that was the best thing for me to do (coz he's a POS scumbag who lied to me about his marital status for so long) and a (stupid) part of me was still holding on, foolishly believing we are really meant for each other, like he used to always tell me when we were still both neck-deep in our EA. Nonetheless, I just want the roller coaster feeling to end. 1
Catplates Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Right. I also read somewhere that it's easier to let go of someone if that someone is dead because you know that that person can never come back again. So, yes, you have to think that the person is totally gone like dead, and that you have to grieve and cry yourself to sleep before you can feel better. It is much easier.. When my husband died, I knew it was final and I could never see him or speak to him again. With NC after an A you KNOW that person is still alive and if you send a text or look at FB you can be in contact again. It takes a lot of determination and will power to get throught the initial stages of NC. You have to want it more than you want the affair. A lot of people go NC without really wanting to. That's doomed to fail. Cat. 1
Washingmachine1980 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 This was one of the most hurtful experiences in my life. I would have preferred to be winged off the relationship. I was in a bad marriage when I met my guy. My husband never spoke to me and I never saw him. My guy called, texted and we went out on actual dates. I was completely in love and thought he felt the same. I planned on staying with him for the rest of my life. We were going to travel together since our spouses didn't like too. I was planning on leaving my marriage when his wife found out about us. He cut off contact immediately. I thought he would never do that to me. That was so hard for me to go back to being completely alone again. I tried to replace him but couldn't find anyone. Ended up staying in my marriage because I afraid I would fall in love with someone again if single and they would walk away from me like he did. I could never go through that again. I don't even trust men now due to this. It really messed me up. Went to therapy and didn't help at all. If he would have died it would have been easier because I could go to his grave and talk to him. It has been two years now and I still think about him everyday. If he ever contacted me again, I would tell him off and then move on. Would never get involved with such a horrible person like that again. I was so vulnerable and hurt because of the abuse in my own marriage and he took complete advantage of that. 2
movingon45 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I love it too. The hardest thing for me, still to this day, is to not stalk his fb profile. He's not on my friend list, but I can still type his name in the search box and see what he's up to. Its been a hard habit to break. I can relate to this!!! He doesn't have a facebook, but his wife does. I wish that she turns the privacy setting on because I can't kick the habit!!! And then there's that instagram. He deleted his posts because of the recent IG controversy re privacy and copyright, but he's still there and his children have their own which are set to public. I wish I can stop stalking!
LostSoulTrain Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 When does this pain go away? For the first few days I felt relieved to be NC. After that anger subsided and feelings rushed in. Now its 2 weeks of NC and I miss her like crazy. Every night I dream about her. It makes me want to cry when I think of our last meeting, her silence and angry face after I said that I wish NC and to move on. She did not even try to reach out. I write here to stay NC.
movingon45 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I feel your pain. I nearly texted him today (7th day of NC). Thank God I stopped myself and went for a massage. I feel better now. We really have to distract ourselves and yes, this forum really helps. Good on you for absolute NC for 2 weeks! I did LC for 3 months and it was hard because even though he'd respond to my text it was just a short response. Clearly he is still mad at me for breaking up the A.
Author promises Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 I feel your pain. I nearly texted him today (7th day of NC). Thank God I stopped myself and went for a massage. I feel better now. We really have to distract ourselves and yes, this forum really helps. Good on you for absolute NC for 2 weeks! I did LC for 3 months and it was hard because even though he'd respond to my text it was just a short response. Clearly he is still mad at me for breaking up the A. i've done everything. 3x Massage, facial, yoga, out with friends, tried dating, IC. Today SUCKS.
bigalagain Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 Some days do just suck! There are triggers that you can avoid once you know about them, but sometimes no trigger is necessary. Sometimes things just suck! I find it helps to have a plan and maybe even a set of thoughts to dwell on when they do suck. Everyone's is different, but it helps me to dwell on what is not going to happen even with contact. We are not going to be together as two free and committed people. We are not going to get married, live together or whatever it is you want. We are not going to feel better after the contact. Things like that
Author promises Posted January 6, 2013 Author Posted January 6, 2013 Some days do just suck! There are triggers that you can avoid once you know about them, but sometimes no trigger is necessary. Sometimes things just suck! I find it helps to have a plan and maybe even a set of thoughts to dwell on when they do suck. Everyone's is different, but it helps me to dwell on what is not going to happen even with contact. We are not going to be together as two free and committed people. We are not going to get married, live together or whatever it is you want. We are not going to feel better after the contact. Things like that ultimately, it's the 'not feeling better after the contact', as you stated that is stopping me. Make contact only to realize that he may respond but then what? He's 'working' on himself and his marriage right now. His random contacts with me make me feel great for about 2 days then I fall apart. I go in waves from feeling completely rejected, to realizing that his life isn't so great right now either. I don't know.
LadyLost Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 (edited) I go in waves from feeling completely rejected, to realizing that his life isn't so great right now either. I don't know. Yes! That's it exactly. It's exactly how I feel and how I think to try and get through NC. He is bloody miserable too, i know him. i know he is. But most importantly and really the only thing that counts is his actions. Nothing else tells the truth. He (our MM's) chose to be with his family and not us. He chose. His choice and he made it. He chose and it wasn't me/ us. God, it's hard. But that's the bare naked truth of the situation. Edited January 6, 2013 by LadyLost
Author promises Posted January 7, 2013 Author Posted January 7, 2013 MFH, I know that you would like to engage in a dialog about this, and I am not going to with you. I wanted to respond however in saying that my soul and my responsibilities to another are not what I am speaking to now. Nor will I defend my shame to you or anyone who is not involved in this directly.
thefooloftheyear Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 MFH, I know that you would like to engage in a dialog about this, and I am not going to with you. I wanted to respond however in saying that my soul and my responsibilities to another are not what I am speaking to now. Nor will I defend my shame to you or anyone who is not involved in this directly. Promises... For whatever its worth, I do feel your pain. I am in the same boat as you at this time...Everyone can say what they think is right, offer perspective, and support and tell you what they think you should do or how you should feel... But at the end of the day, you can't change how you feel-even if in fact they are "right". It just doesnt seem fair. Its the cruelest damn thing in the world. Maybe you can take some solace in knowing that you are not alone and that others are out there suffering as well. Id PM you, but I cant as I am a new member. Hang in there. They keep telling me it will get better with time. I am hopeful, but I just cant see that at this time. TFOY
Complicated1112 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 It is much easier.. When my husband died, I knew it was final and I could never see him or speak to him again. With NC after an A you KNOW that person is still alive and if you send a text or look at FB you can be in contact again. It takes a lot of determination and will power to get throught the initial stages of NC. You have to want it more than you want the affair. A lot of people go NC without really wanting to. That's doomed to fail. Cat. Also when someone died, you could see old pictures and think about good memories they left behind.
secretlady76 Posted January 7, 2013 Posted January 7, 2013 Yes! That's it exactly. It's exactly how I feel and how I think to try and get through NC. He is bloody miserable too, i know him. i know he is. But most importantly and really the only thing that counts is his actions. Nothing else tells the truth. He (our MM's) chose to be with his family and not us. He chose. His choice and he made it. He chose and it wasn't me/ us. God, it's hard. But that's the bare naked truth of the situation. Agree with this above post. All the lovely things they say to you become a total pack of lies once Dday arrives and they throw you under the bus in favour of the wife (that they've been slagging off the whole time). That action is all you need to believe. The rest is simply grooming. 1
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