promises Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 It's ultimately for your own sanity. I understand that completely. I'd like to hear peoples thoughts on NC. It feels like a death.
Lillyfree Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 i found it so very hard in the beginning. for about 3 weeks i felt like i was walking around with this heavy rock in my chest... then it got better. i found myself laughing, smiling again. actually having a good time. it was a relief not to wonder whether or not i will get a message. i felt free. i broke NC a couple of days ago and it was a huge mistake. didn't make me feel better. i think if you go the way of NC there is a veeery good reason for it to start with. i'm back to counting again. day 2, this time for good. hang in there the harder something is to do, the better you will feel for doing it. be proud of yourself.
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 The way I understood the concept, NC equals NO NEW HURTS. And that made sense to me, even as a fBS. I can only imagine how difficult that must be in an affair. In a regular relationship, we discover we do not have that much in common and we break up, as painful as that may be, it cannot compare to an affair being busted and contact ends immediately or limpets along. It's immediate cold turkey from the addiction, and yes, that is painful. 3
Catplates Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 If one is serious about NC, then it SHOULD be just like the death of somebody you perhaps loved a great deal. I believe it requires the same cycle of grief and time to recover. NC means that you are not going to see or communicate with the person again, ever. It means you disappear from their lives and cut them from yours. If that is not completely feasible because of work or geography, every effort should be made to have as little contact as can be managed. Some people move or change jobs in order to get a new start and cut the ties. It should be as final as a death. I have read where others feel like it is a waiting period until the loved one can come back. If that's the case, then there isn't a true committment to NC. It is a dreadful period to go through, but nobody can feel that degree of pain forever. Eventually NC should pay dividends and leave you free to rebuild your life and self esteem. I found that it helped to be mindful of the small pleasure that life has to offer. It also helps to be grateful that you didn't get the one you wished for... after all what would you end up with...a man who is willing to cheat on the woman he should hold dearest to his heart. Not much of a prize really, is it? Best wishes... 2013 around the corner. Cat. 8
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 It is ultimately healthier and less painful than intermittent contact, which causes the familiar high.....followed once again by the crashing low. Only, I would imagine the lows get worse. for example, Let's say I love and am use to 10 cigarettes a day, but I run out of money and can only smoke 1 a week. That's a WORSE form of torture! I am better without any at all until I stop missing that high, that feel good feeling of 10 a day. It's no different for you. And please, please, please think on this: His attempt at contact has nothing to do with you and your feelings of loss. It is his attempt to continue to feed his own ego. Let me explain. If you are kind and understanding to his plight, he then gets. To convince himself that you realize he just got caught by circumstances outside his control and IS STILL a good guy. If you react in rage, which you have every right to, he knows your anger is your passion for him and you STILL care for him. ego fed again. End the cycle. End the game. NC, and get busy, as busy as you can, focusing on you, your wants and your needs. Have some fun, do something different, to redirect your thoughts. 2
Author promises Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 And please, please, please think on this: His attempt at contact has nothing to do with you and your feelings of loss. It is his attempt to continue to feed his own ego. Let me explain. If you are kind and understanding to his plight, he then gets. To convince himself that you realize he just got caught by circumstances outside his control and IS STILL a good guy. If you react in rage, which you have every right to, he knows your anger is your passion for him and you STILL care for him. ego fed again. End the cycle. End the game. NC, and get busy, as busy as you can, focusing on you, your wants and your needs. Have some fun, do something different, to redirect your thoughts. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I hate this!!!
SecretFlower Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I think that NC is wonderful and affective if you stick to it, but for myself I have failed every time I've tried NC. Whether it was because it was my own fault or pressure from my ex-MM didn't really matter. It's just really difficult, especially in the beginning, and I've never managed to stick it out. But, those who do seem to do it for the long run, so stick with it I do, hestitantly, disagree that just because he contacts you he's feeding his ego. Yes, his ego is a part of it, but isn't it possible that the mm simply misses you? Why does it have to be control? I don't know your whole story, but I think in many ways MM are just as caught up and confused as OW -- we're not always the victims, you know?
MissBee Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 It's ultimately for your own sanity. I understand that completely. I'd like to hear peoples thoughts on NC. It feels like a death. It is kind of a death actually. Attachment is hard and painful to break. I don't think anyone has found that detaching process from an A or normal breakup easy. NC is often reacted to poorly, at first, by most people, until they see no other option. Just check the Breaks and Breaking Up Forum. It's one of the single hardest things for people to implement. Most fall off the wagon at one point or the other. There is no "perfect time" for NC IME...even when you KNOW the relationship is bad/dead-end/no future the attachment and habit you have of being with them, talking to them, texting, calling, emailing etc doesn't just vanish once you realize this. Some claim that there is "premature NC". I don't believe it personally. It's one of those things that there is no perfect time and usually what happens, just check the forum, is that people batter themselves as they continue contacting their exMM/exSG and it's only after the pain is too great that many cut contact once and for all. I don't think that is "mature NC" . I think that's just you learning the hard way. I got over a breakup where immediate NC was implemented in some months. In one breakup where I chose LC...2 years . Never again. NC is a hard pill to swallow. Your mind plays tricks on you, it seems cruel, you think we can just be friends, oh we'll just naturally fall away blah blah...and usually you just hurt yourself more and more. It's difficult but so worth it and so much less damaging to your dignity. IF some type of relationship is meant to be had, it can only happen after you heal anyway. If you're not meant to be friends, the great thing is, after a while of NC, although it doesn't seem like it now, you usually stop caring. 5
Spark1111 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I think that NC is wonderful and affective if you stick to it, but for myself I have failed every time I've tried NC. Whether it was because it was my own fault or pressure from my ex-MM didn't really matter. It's just really difficult, especially in the beginning, and I've never managed to stick it out. But, those who do seem to do it for the long run, so stick with it I do, hestitantly, disagree that just because he contacts you he's feeding his ego. Yes, his ego is a part of it, but isn't it possible that the mm simply misses you? Why does it have to be control? I don't know your whole story, but I think in many ways MM are just as caught up and confused as OW -- we're not always the victims, you know? Agreed. he may be confused and missing her, but not enough to leave his wife for her after the break up, or DDay, or whatever. And at THAT point, his contact is cruel, self-serving and unkind TO HER. So he misses her. That is not feeding her ego now as she cannot have the type of relationship she would want with him What possible good could it do her to know he misses her but is not returning to her? Absolutely none. It is STILL all about him and she is much better off going NC and not Roma ticking his continued contact. If he MISSED her enough, it would have been a short-lived affair, a fairly quick divorce and they would be together today. I say this as a fBS, an infidelity survivor who saw first-hand my H's cowardly treatment of his OW(and told him so!) and the sibling of many older brothers.
Author promises Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 What possible good could it do her to know he misses her but is not returning to her? This is ultimately how I feel. The friends line was crossed. We even said it. "We're not 'friends'".. so. What's the point? We were at one point great friends. But, that line was crossed. So. I am sure he misses me. But, my response would be mute. It's mute. Sometimes silence has the loudest voice. He's a big boy. He's not dumb. 2
Author promises Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 True NC Means no phone call, text, no looking at old photos, not reading old emails, not looking at old presents and momentos, no Internet stalking, no drive bys, etc. Any time NC is broken the pain starts again from square one even if there is a temporary transient relief. What about the other side.. And yes, every time he breaks NC their is a very short relief followed by me screaming on LS. 1
MyAngel Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 She initiated NC when she ended it almost 3 weeks ago. I haven't been in contact since. I have wanted to, but I am also respectful of her wishes even if they aren't necessarily what I want. Sigh I want to reach out to her but I hold back. I want to let go completely and I'm trying but it's still early days. I wouldn't mind a buddy who is going through a break up as well? Someone to vent to or encourage each other to keep strong. 1
betterdeal Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 I remember being proud of the fact she always came back to me, not the other way around, but then I realised I was waiting for her to come back each time so I was part of the messiness. This other person doesn't define you. Most people go through a break up or two in their lives. If you're not enjoying the relationship you have now with that person (and a small talk text once a month or a pleading phone call every three weeks is a relationship - just a very dysfunctional one) then take action to change the status quo. First you need to decide you want change. You can make it much harder for him or her to contact you, such as changing your number, email and the like. As soon as I did that I felt an enormous sense of relief. I was no longer waiting to hear from her. Sure, I still felt remorse, regret, and loss, but that tension was no longer there and that gave me the energy to get over the loss, to forgive her wrongdoings and mine also, and to spend my time more enjoyably. 4
jwi71 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 NC is easy. I have NC with so many people. In fact, I'm NC with more than a few past GF's and lovers. I can remember them fondly though. Even my xWW - hey, we had some good times. It doesn't hurt anymore though - any of them. Because I no longer care. NC hurts because you still care - still hope - to have them. Or more from them. It's a poisonous and ruinous hope. A lie told to ourselves. And why? Why give so much to one who returns so little? 2
Author promises Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Why give so much to one who returns so little? That's what I am trying to figure out.
jwi71 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 That's what I am trying to figure out. Why do you still hope and pine for him then?
Author promises Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Why do you still hope and pine for him then? It's complicated.
jwi71 Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 It's complicated. It's always complicated. Every story here is complicated. I would encourage you to share more. The more you share the better the replies tend to get. It is of course your decision. I'll leave you this. You love him and he hasn't shown you that he truly loves you. Yet you hold on and hope it isn't true. That's your homework. And I believe key to you ending the hurt sooner. Why do you hope given his ACTIONS.
Author promises Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 MOM is also medicating his own withdrawal. These folks love within the EMR compartment, make no mistake about it. The loves falls apart outside the EMR, but the love withinn the EMR is quite real. Strict NC means "greater short term pain" and a shorter time span to a state with no pain within several months. Off and on contact causes "less short term pain" because contact promotes brief episodes of hope and less pain. The down side is that the time span to complete healing may take many many years. During these years you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with normal available single men. I don't want this pain anymore. No. And, I am capable of a very loving, LTR with a single available man. Just not right now. I don't want years more of this sh*t. Pain. Crap. Blah. The problem is there is no clean break in the circles unless, I leave my family and life here and move. I am contemplating that. I am.
bigalagain Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 Promises, It seems to me that all of this (for me too) is about what you want. I suggest that you, like most of us, are a little conflicted about that. I suggest that NC is a tactic to employ when what you want is to be done, utterly and irretrievably. Problem is that this is not really what we want. What we want is the MM/MW back on our own terms, divorced and free to be with us completely. For me it helps to focus on that want. How will that work? How is it that you and he are going to be together the way you want? The only way is for him to get divorced AND to do so because he wants to, not because of you. I think about that in my own situation, and I realize that getting a divorce because of me is not going to work. She's going to regret, run back, feel remorse, do all of the things we are doing right now. The only way it is going to work is if the MM/MW tries to fix their marriage, decides that it is not going to get fixed, and gets divorced. Can they do that with you still on the side? No. With you still acting as a safety valve, they can just continue the status quo. At some point, they will get in hot water with the BS again, and they will throw you under the bus, feel guilt (and I'm sorry, at least some of them do feel guilt) and promise to never go there again. Now I believe that you can let them move through the process (which will either be a divorce or a reconciliation) a number of ways. If NC works for you, fine. You may not be strong enough to deal with what I might call superficial contact. Any contact at all may, at the very least, get you thinking and at the worst, get you back into the A. Sounds like your MM is going through something with his BS right now. As I recall, they are separated last you heard. Fine. You stay out of it, and let him figure it out. If they get divorced, you are going to know. Believe me, you'll know. Then you can decide what to do next. 1
movingon45 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 If one is serious about NC, then it SHOULD be just like the death of somebody you perhaps loved a great deal. I believe it requires the same cycle of grief and time to recover. It should be as final as a death. Cat. Right. I also read somewhere that it's easier to let go of someone if that someone is dead because you know that that person can never come back again. So, yes, you have to think that the person is totally gone like dead, and that you have to grieve and cry yourself to sleep before you can feel better.
movingon45 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 This is ultimately how I feel. The friends line was crossed. We even said it. "We're not 'friends'".. so. What's the point? We were at one point great friends. But, that line was crossed. Ahhhh I hate it when the line has been crossed. We also started out as friends after being bf/gf years ago but the texting wouldn't stop completely and before I knew it we were having an intimate affair. It was inevitable I think because of the history and the connection. I so miss the friendship, but as he himself said, if we see and talk again we will end up in bed. So NC it is.
movingon45 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 She initiated NC when she ended it almost 3 weeks ago. I haven't been in contact since. I have wanted to, but I am also respectful of her wishes even if they aren't necessarily what I want. Sigh I want to reach out to her but I hold back. I want to let go completely and I'm trying but it's still early days. I wouldn't mind a buddy who is going through a break up as well? Someone to vent to or encourage each other to keep strong. I'm in! I also need a buddy to keep me strong.
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