Sex_Panther Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 So I have this friend I have known all my life. I have always wanted more then just friends. I told her my feelings and she told me that since we just reconnected a few months ago she would need to hang out with me more, but as of now she isnt attracted to me in that way and does not want to ruin the friendship since we have been friends for so long. I am a man that knows what I want and I will do just about anything to get it. At the same time I dont think it would be healthy for us to have a friendship if I am always wanting more in the back of my mind. She told me currently she is seeing somebody whom is much older then her and she doesnt seeing that going anywhere due to the huge age gap. I guess my question is, should I distance myself completely from her or should I just be the friend that hopes one day she will see me as potential dating material? I have been pumping her for what attracts her in a guy for a while now so I know what she likes and doesnt like for the most part. I know what I need to change but I dont want her to think she can just walk all over me and reject me because I will always be there later. She has been calling me pet names every once and awhile lately which she never did. So I guess I am just a bit confused as to what I need to do. If she were not a life long friend I would have completely ignored her and moved on, but thats what makes this so hard for me.
Author Sex_Panther Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 Does nobody have any advice for me?
phineas Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 She told you, she isn't attracted to you. Find someone else & just be friends with her. I promise you she is doing the same thing. Also, you are not strangers. She either wants you or she doesn't. This crap where she tries to make you her BF without benefits will make you mental. Trust me, i've been in this situation before & you are dealing with a selfish person.
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Yeah. TOTALLY what phineas said. In duplicate.
Author Sex_Panther Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 The thing of it is, we live 4 hours from each other. We lost contact when we were 14 and just now within the last year found each other on facebook. So when we met up a few months ago it was the first time we seen each other in years. She told me we would have to hang out more and get to know each other on a personal level and we would have to be able to hang out all the time. I get mixed signals though because a few days later thats when she told me when we were together she didnt feel any attraction. I keep talking to her and want something more, but I dont know if I am just hurting the friendship doing this.
coffeebean201 Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I don't think it is a good idea for a "Sex Panther" - your moniker, to settle down with someone who doesn't want sex with him. It is an impossible situation. Sounds like too much of a challenge to me.
Author Sex_Panther Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 Dont read into the username lol. I got that from Anchorman the movie..lol. Its not about sex, I want a long term relationship with her even if it means we move super slow. She has told me she doesnt want to rush into anything and wants to take any relationship super slow. We talk about every kinda topic you can think of and its like nothing is off limits with her. Kinda weird.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 I can give you so many reasons for why a relationship with a close friend will not work. But they are not necessarily since the major factor is right in front of your eyes, straight from the horses' mouth: She doesn't want to date you. And need I advise you that the more you pursue her and try to change her mind, she's going to start acting hot and cold. You can expect her to give half-assed answers like " Maybe", or " Perhaps", and all the while she's just waiting for another guy to come along. Accept and respect her answers. You cannot force someone to like you. There are plenty of girls out there who are more compatible and who won't have problems saying yes to you.
phineas Posted December 29, 2012 Posted December 29, 2012 Dont read into the username lol. I got that from Anchorman the movie..lol. Its not about sex, I want a long term relationship with her even if it means we move super slow. She has told me she doesnt want to rush into anything and wants to take any relationship super slow. We talk about every kinda topic you can think of and its like nothing is off limits with her. Kinda weird. Dude, c'mon. I'll be 41 yrs old in a few weeks & in all my life i've never had "taking it slow" actually go anywhere. In fact those "taking it slow" women literally jumped into the sack right away when a guy they really wanted came along. Their reasoning? "it's different" But hey, I promise when you come back after wasting months on this woman to tell us we were right I won't rub it in.
Author Sex_Panther Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 I think what I am getting at is when I spilled out my feelings for her and I said I have always wanted a relationship or something more, she didnt flat out say no. She just kinda told me that if there was going to be anything more we would have to start hanging out regularly and be avalible to each other. Right now 99% of our interactions have been on facebook due to the fact that we live way too far from each other. When I told her a few months ago that I was going to be in our old home town she came to me and said she would want to get together and see me. I didnt ask her even though I thought that would be a good oppertunity to see her consitering we havent seen each other in probably 14 years. The guy she is seeing now she told me flat out she knows its not going to go beyond really good friends because of his age. I think she is only seeing him because her father died and she is trying to replace him with this guy. The guy could be her father, thats how old he is, just fyi. She also sometimes flirts with me even though she isnt the flirty type. Now sometimes she does confuse me because she says one of the things she likes are older guys. They are more mature and they dont play games. Well hearing this I am thinking I am out because we are the same exact age. However, I dont feel I am as immature as most people my age and maybe she might still go for me even if she likes the older guys. Now when she said she doubts anything would ever happen between us I feel it was because when i comfronted her about it i was putting pressure on it and she just got defensive and gave me that answer due to the pressure. She does show some interest in me, but I am not sure if she is just waiting until I am able to move closer to see if something sparks or whats really going on here. She has told me about a past boyfriend that to this day still pressures her about going out with her and wanting more then she does to fast. I think maybe she talks to me about him to tell me dont be like this guy. As I said before, now she is calling me "hun" and said "dear" once and she used to never use pet names with me ever.
PogoStick Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Shut it and listen. She's not interested. On top of that she's 4 hours away. That speaks volumes to your inner dialogue. Fix that or you're going to be striking out with women for the rest of your life. New rule: You must date women who live within 1 hour of you, ideally less than 30 minutes.
Author Sex_Panther Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) Ok, so she is not interested in me. Where should I go from here? Do I just forget she even exists now and completely stop talking to her like I would most any other girl that isnt interested? She is a childhood friend and we have known each other all our lives, so I am just not sure what to do if she is in fact not interested as everyone here says. She now clearly knows I want something more one day so it would seem like a dead issue to bring it up again unless I move closer to her which I may end up doing next winter due to the jobs up that way. I guess I dont want to just throw away a life long friendship over me wanting more, but at the same time that is always in the back of my head when I talk to her. I am thinking maybe that will just ruin the friendship eventually and bring us on bad terms and I dont want that. Edited January 1, 2013 by Sex_Panther
carhill Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) This is what the 'old friend' - 'friendzone' I described in another thread looks like. Watch her go 'poof'. Heck, that 'older guy' probably thinks he's dating her ETA, it is possible to date a lifelong platonic friend, presuming the feelings and attraction have mutually evolved to romance/sex. It's possible. Unlikely, but possible. Unlikely here. Highly unlikely. Edited January 1, 2013 by carhill Added more.
Author Sex_Panther Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 You mean poof as in she will disappear in my life or his? I am sure she will go poof in his life eventually. In fact, I dont even view him as a threat while I am pursuing her, because I know that older guy will never work in the long run for her. The main reason she see's that guy is they have just about everything in common with each other and thats what she had with her dad and thats what attracts her to him. I told her I am happy for her that she is happy with this guy. Which is genuine, because I just want her to be happy with everything that is going on in her life I feel this is good for her since I am not able to be there personally. I told her that in the spring/summer I will be up in the area and we have left a few activities open that we can do once I am able to come see her. Even when I made mention of moving within 20 minutes of her she responded, oh thats 20 minutes away from me So that tells me she wants to spend time with me. So like I said, I dont know if she is just using this guy for what its worth until I am able to be in the picture or if nothing will ever happen. Trust me, I have researched this very well and all signs are pointing to what every last one of you guys are saying and most of the time a relationship never happens with girls you chase. I havent really pushed the issue of liking her I am basically in the stage of trying to get to know her right now so when I am able to see her I can see where this goes. There was a time she was intrigued by my manhood and wanted to see it sometime and possibly get down to business. I just thing the distance is keeping her from saying yes or trying to go further. So instead of pushing the fact that I like her I am just teasing her and getting to know her at the present time. I told her if its meant to be it will be in its own time. She replied exactly, you arent like my ex that keeps pushing and pushing me further away.
carhill Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 As long as she gets what she wants from you/him/others, your/their presence will be continued. Throw up a boundary like taking the dynamic romantic or sexual proactively and positively, and she'll 'poof'. I'll bet money on it. You/he/them just became 'inconvenient'. I don't mean that in a bad way. She's taking care of number one; that's her. I strongly suggest you do the same, meaning take care of you.
PogoStick Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 You're already breaking the new rule. She lives 4 hours away and has a boyfriend. Why are you wanting to put so much effort into someone who is unavailable? You could have a great girl in a month if you got your head straight.
Author Sex_Panther Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 You're already breaking the new rule. She lives 4 hours away and has a boyfriend. Why are you wanting to put so much effort into someone who is unavailable? You could have a great girl in a month if you got your head straight. I dont know maybe because our families already know and love each other. We were each others first friends, raised together, played together, grew up together. Somehow we still are very close friends and know each others life stories. Not many people can say they are still friends with the first friend they ever made. Even after all the bull**** we both have been through we still put up with each other. Are you going to sit there and tell me you wouldnt chase your childhood friend like I am doing? I have liked her since I was 12 years old. She finally knows my feelings towards her and she still wants to be close. She also knows this time next year I will be living 20 minutes away from her. I dont really care about other girls, they are just practice in my mind. Besides that I know I have some things in my life I need to work out before anything between us happens so I am making those changes in the meantime. This way when we do finally start hanging out I have my career going again and I have my own place. Both of which I am struggling with at the moment. Maybe if you had a friend like this you might understand. Can I get some womens opinions on this topic, please?
xxoo Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think you should date other people, for two big reasons: 1. It will help you to get your mind off of her. 2. It will reveal if she has any feelings for you. Be very careful if she gets jealous but does not want to date you. That means she just wants your attention. It isn't impossible for friends since childhood to become romantically attracted, but the science may be against you.
Author Sex_Panther Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 I think you should date other people, for two big reasons: 1. It will help you to get your mind off of her. 2. It will reveal if she has any feelings for you. Be very careful if she gets jealous but does not want to date you. That means she just wants your attention. It isn't impossible for friends since childhood to become romantically attracted, but the science may be against you. I think you are right and so are the rest of you guys trying to give me advice. We have been talking the past week and even lastnight and its like she is so attracted to this older guy that she doesnt want to talk about some of the things we used to talk about and I find myself hitting my head on the wall more and more. I think its time I give her some space and just bail for now. Its like she would talk to me about personal issues and I would give her advice. I think she has moved on to this older guy and doesnt need that attention from me anymore. So I will take you guys up on the advice and stop talking to her all the time. She is just driving me insane and I dont really get anything out of it. I want to be there for her, but at the same time I think the fact that she knows I want more is keeping her from being open with me like she once was.
Author Sex_Panther Posted January 2, 2013 Author Posted January 2, 2013 The question I have now since I have made up my mind to give her space is, how do I break this to her. We might talk tonight or tomorrow and I dont want to just be an a5sho1e and stop talking to her without telling her whats up. So if you were in my shoes and friends with a girl you have been friends with your whole life and cared about her, how would you talk to her?
Recommended Posts