How have your holidays changed since the affair?

[Spark1111]

My H's affair lasted 1.5 years, so every holiday, family event, and milestones were tainted by the affair.

 

It became very important to me to do the holidays differently, to make them more my own, to change traditions, at least for awhile, so as not to trigger over them.

 

What do you do differently today?

 

For example, instead of sitting around a big, extended family meal, I wanted to take just my children to a Bed and Breakfast and have something different to look forward to.

 

I needed to creat new memories to forget the old and that involved som innovation and excitement.

 

What do you do?

[Decorative]

We have created new traditions, and have excluded the toxic family members that supported the affair and lied to me.

 

So our holidays are smaller now, in terms of people, but so much better, because the stress level is so much lower.

 

We work hard to overwrite negative memories, and separate them out. My biggest issue is NYE, because it was the one holiday he found a way most of the affair to spend with her.

 

So we throw a big party with friends now and just have a great time with a lot of hustle and bustle and sheer numbers of people. It has helped. Hugely. I occasionally think if it for a minute, but then I can flick it away.

[CantgetoveritNY]

As far as I know my wife's A didn't start till after the holidays last year. Our D day was just this past July. I don't know where we will be in a year. We have two young children that know nothing of the A. (I hope) This year I kept all the traditions the same. Thinking this might be the last time we have a holiday season together. I tried to make it the best ever for the kids. One of the reasons I'm giving a chance to reconciliation is I don't want this to be the last.

[Spark1111]

As far as I know my wife's A didn't start till after the holidays last year. Our D day was just this past July. I don't know where we will be in a year. We have two young children that know nothing of the A. (I hope) This year I kept all the traditions the same. Thinking this might be the last time we have a holiday season together. I tried to make it the best ever for the kids. One of the reasons I'm giving a chance to reconciliation is I don't want this to be the last.

 

if my children had been very yo ung, I probably would not have changed a thing either and that would have been grueling I think. Kudos to you for keeping it normal for them!

[Spark1111]

We have created new traditions, and have excluded the toxic family members that supported the affair and lied to me.

 

So our holidays are smaller now, in terms of people, but so much better, because the stress level is so much lower.

 

We work hard to overwrite negative memories, and separate them out. My biggest issue is NYE, because it was the one holiday he found a way most of the affair to spend with her.

 

So we throw a big party with friends now and just have a great time with a lot of hustle and bustle and sheer numbers of people. It has helped. Hugely. I occasionally think if it for a minute, but then I can flick it away.

 

Glad to hear it.

 

My trigger is our anniversary, the day before his birthday which almost always falls on a holiday weekend, one he had to travel for business.

 

I no longer celebrate our anniversary for that reason.

[nofool4u]

How have your holidays changed since the affair?

 

Fantastic! I no longer have to buy the c*** any presents.

[Spark1111]

Fantastic! I no longer have to buy the c*** any presents.

 

Well, that's one positive for you.

[Spark1111]

As far as I know my wife's A didn't start till after the holidays last year. Our D day was just this past July. I don't know where we will be in a year. We have two young children that know nothing of the A. (I hope) This year I kept all the traditions the same. Thinking this might be the last time we have a holiday season together. I tried to make it the best ever for the kids. One of the reasons I'm giving a chance to reconciliation is I don't want this to be the last.

 

I want to say this....I thought long and hard about divorce for two years. I wasn't sure he or I would have the courage to continue.

 

So I started changing up the traditions, creating my traditions with my children in the event divorce was inevitable for us, and to get away from triggers!

 

I still keep the changes. For example, I treat everyone to a play, or musical, or band or cultural event and dinner. We have fun together and it has helped cement my relationship with them.

 

for many years, because I am a nice person, I went along to get along, KWIM? And I said yes to a lot I wanted to say no to, especially with the in laws.

 

I don't do that anymore and it has been liberating to just create some new memories around the holidays.

[Woggle]

She isn't around anymore and instead I have a wife who is better in every aspect who deserves what I do for her.

[Furious]

My H's affair lasted 1.5 years, so every holiday, family event, and milestones were tainted by the affair.

 

It became very important to me to do the holidays differently, to make them more my own, to change traditions, at least for awhile, so as not to trigger over them.

 

What do you do differently today?

 

For example, instead of sitting around a big, extended family meal, I wanted to take just my children to a Bed and Breakfast and have something different to look forward to.

 

I needed to creat new memories to forget the old and that involved som innovation and excitement.

 

What do you do?

 

This Christmas season I just wasn't feeling it, didn't even want to put up the tree. A couple of weeks ago I came home to the entire house done up, and even some new decorations. My husband, with the kids help, had transformed our home. It was beautiful especially the smiles on their faces.

 

Instead of entraining extended family this Christmas eve, just the four of us went for lobster dinner in china town. Christmas day, we all were at my sisters place with the entire family. This season it was a mix of old and new traditions.

 

 

Spark, I love the idea of a bed and breakfast for Christmas, maybe I'll plan something like that for next year.

Edited December 28, 2012 by Furious

[Decorative]

I want to say this....I thought long and hard about divorce for two years. I wasn't sure he or I would have the courage to continue.

 

So I started changing up the traditions, creating my traditions with my children in the event divorce was inevitable for us, and to get away from triggers!

 

I still keep the changes. For example, I treat everyone to a play, or musical, or band or cultural event and dinner. We have fun together and it has helped cement my relationship with them.

 

for many years, because I am a nice person, I went along to get along, KWIM? And I said yes to a lot I wanted to say no to, especially with the in laws.

 

I don't do that anymore and it has been liberating to just create some new memories around the holidays.

 

 

Are you me?

 

LOL

 

Bravo to you. Seriously.

[Furious]

I used to do everything big...now I go over the top...GRAND and I love it.

 

You are a Grand Lady BNB...it's fitting that you celebrate in a grand style.

[Spark1111]

Are you me?

 

LOL

 

Bravo to you. Seriously.

 

My I laws were very demanding, dominating people when it cam to the holidays. Controlling almost. And my H's affair taught me that they would circle their wagons around their son and brother and find excuses for why he did what he did.

 

it was eye-opening to say the least, after DDay. I asked them to deal with him because I no longer wanted to....and they didn't, not at all. it's a family of secrets and having to be perfect and I understood so much more why he was the way he was and why he had a mid-life rebellion affair.

 

So why was I spending every holiday with these people who wanted us their to make themselves feel better about themselves?

 

Time for a major change.

 

seven of us went out to a beautiful dinner Christmas Eve, came home and actually did child-oriented crafts for the children with us, opened presents and had a great time

 

I made it all about the children not the adults and it was memorable and special for them.

 

Should have done it years ago, but I met such resistance from my spouse who still feared invoking their displeasure.

 

done, done, done with that

[Decorative]

My I laws were very demanding, dominating people when it cam to the holidays. Controlling almost. And my H's affair taught me that they would circle their wagons around their son and brother and find excuses for why he did what he did.

 

it was eye-opening to say the least, after DDay. I asked them to deal with him because I no longer wanted to....and they didn't, not at all. it's a family of secrets and having to be perfect and I understood so much more why he was the way he was and why he had a mid-life rebellion affair.

 

So why was I spending every holiday with these people who wanted us their to make themselves feel better about themselves?

 

Time for a major change.

 

seven of us went out to a beautiful dinner Christmas Eve, came home and actually did child-oriented crafts for the children with us, opened presents and had a great time

 

I made it all about the children not the adults and it was memorable and special for them.

 

Should have done it years ago, but I met such resistance from my spouse who still feared invoking their displeasure.

 

done, done, done with that

 

Um, now I am even more convinced you're me, or I am you. Same story. Family of secrets, looks perfect on the outside. Cold, controlling, and fake on the inside.

 

Fully understanding now, and having much distance from the dysfunction - now? I can see the roots of my spouse's choices, and his awful way of trying to get attention and approval. It makes me wanna cry for the little boy he was.

 

And post affair- my in laws/outlaws hightailed it out of town ( I dumped my spouse's stuff at their house, after exposing). They went to the beach and stayed away. It was awful. And then I found out they had known all along and even met her and had her in their house.

 

So. Gross.

[Spark1111]

Um, now I am even more convinced you're me, or I am you. Same story. Family of secrets, looks perfect on the outside. Cold, controlling, and fake on the inside.

 

Fully understanding now, and having much distance from the dysfunction - now? I can see the roots of my spouse's choices, and his awful way of trying to get attention and approval. It makes me wanna cry for the little boy he was.

 

And post affair- my in laws/outlaws hightailed it out of town ( I dumped my spouse's stuff at their house, after exposing). They went to the beach and stayed away. It was awful. And then I found out they had known all along and even met her and had her in their house.

 

So. Gross.

 

Wow! So how do you and he handle them now?

 

My SIL knew for the last six months of the affair. My H told her and she said get to counseling. A few months went by, and she was angry he had not gone to counseling. But they spoke every day regarding their parents.

 

Isn't that amazing? A Don't ask, don't tell policy amongst siblings who are speaking several times a week?

 

She worked very hard for us to reconcile, so I forgave her. But my oldest daughter did not. I'm her mother, that is her aunt and she felt how disloyal not to have told me.

 

In retrospect, my daughter is right; SIL, like my H, is a cowardly conflict-avoider.

 

And I believe now, and we have discussed it, that he almost tacitly took her knowing of the affair as permission to continue it. Well, sis knows and doesn't hate me, so how bad could it be?

 

Had the tables been turned, my bro would have kicked my azz....He would have told my H too, since he has always considered him family.

[Decorative]

Wow! So how do you and he handle them now?

 

My SIL knew for the last six months of the affair. My H told her and she said get to counseling. A few months went by, and she was angry he had not gone to counseling. But they spoke every day regarding their parents.

 

Isn't that amazing? A Don't ask, don't tell policy amongst siblings who are speaking several times a week?

 

She worked very hard for us to reconcile, so I forgave her. But my oldest daughter did not. I'm her mother, that is her aunt and she felt how disloyal not to have told me.

 

In retrospect, my daughter is right; SIL, like my H, is a cowardly conflict-avoider.

 

And I believe now, and we have discussed it, that he almost tacitly took her knowing of the affair as permission to continue it. Well, sis knows and doesn't hate me, so how bad could it be?

 

Had the tables been turned, my bro would have kicked my azz....He would have told my H too, since he has always considered him family.

 

In my family- that's how it would have gone. My brother and parents would have personally come and kicked my butt and told my spouse. For sure.

 

I don't have contact with my inlaws, and neither do my children.

 

My spouse will occasionally have contact with them- but we have high walls and borders. They never apologized. They aren't sorry. So any contact my spouse has is more business oriented.

 

We don't speak at all to my older sister in law. She's a former OW, who married her MM, and then stalked the BS. Their marriage is a mess, and she is a nasty human being who called my spouse after DDay and attacked me.

 

Family dynamics. It's never quite what it looks like.

[Spark1111]

interesting. I have always treated them with courtesy and respect and continue to do so, despite my opinions.

 

In addition to everything else he feels guilt for, he has to bear his oldest doesn't much care for this sister, the one he adores, all that much anymore.

 

Actions, actions, actions people.

 

We use to go apple picking every year at the same place with the in laws, but he brought her there, and now my children refuse to go and told the in laws this.

 

We nowapplepick elsewhere. Don't enjoy it half as much. But my kids enforced that change out of respect for me and my feelings.

 

They did not have to do that. I would have gone for their sake. So, another tradition has changed too!

[Decorative]

I was a very good daughter in law to my inlaws for a long time. I could give a long list, far prior to the affair, of ways they were not good to me. It goes way back.

 

It was very hard for me to decide no contact. But they were absorbing emotional energy from me in trying to deal with it- and their behavior, and finally, as a marital team, and with speaking to our children, we decided that a break from contact was the necessary step.

 

It has been very, very helpful for all of us.

[Decorative]

interesting. I have always treated them with courtesy and respect and continue to do so, despite my opinions.

 

In addition to everything else he feels guilt for, he has to bear his oldest doesn't much care for this sister, the one he adores, all that much anymore.

 

Actions, actions, actions people.

 

We use to go apple picking every year at the same place with the in laws, but he brought her there, and now my children refuse to go and told the in laws this.

 

We nowapplepick elsewhere. Don't enjoy it half as much. But my kids enforced that change out of respect for me and my feelings.

 

They did not have to do that. I would have gone for their sake. So, another tradition has changed too!

 

And I have to say?

 

Your babies rock.

[nofool4u]

Well, that's one positive for you.

 

When the negatives outweigh the positives, its not a positive.

 

Not saying I want to be married to her again, definitely do not, just saying if this is in response to the idea that there are positives to being betrayed, there isn't.

Edited December 28, 2012 by nofool4u

[beenburned]

I am so many years away from my d-day I don't even remember if it did affect the holidays back then!(my old age is showing)

 

But time changes many things, and our extended family is huge now. It is almost impossible to arrange everyone's busy schedules in order to make time for everyone during the holiday.

 

This year my grown kids requested that from now on, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day be reserved for our immediate family. All of the other parties with extended family members needs to be done maybe a week or more in advance of the actual holiday.

 

From now on I am going to make the holidays as stress free as possible! Which includes starting earlier and stretching out all of the other parties.

[Snowflower]

When the negatives outweigh the positives, its not a positive.

 

Not saying I want to be married to her again, definitely do not, just saying if this is in response to the idea that there are positives to being betrayed, there isn't.

 

Okay, I see what you mean. Are you sure there isn't at least one small positive out of having her out of your life though? You know, the whole "there is no great loss without some small gain" type of thing?

 

There is nothing positive about betrayal and I'm sure that is not what was meant. But it is obviously good that she is out of your life so I guess look at that as a "positive" perhaps?

[Snowflower]

Interesting thread.

 

In all actuality, I'm surprised that the Christmas holidays don't trigger me more. D-day was right before Thanksgiving so yeah, that holiday is still messed up for me. I just don't enjoy it like I used to.

 

After d-day that year, my H was out of the house, or I was out of town, for a period of a few weeks. In mid-December we reconciled and I remember that Christmas being very hard/weird although we did all the traditional stuff for our kids.

 

But in the intervening years, I haven't changed any traditions as a result of what happened. I never really thought of changing anything. The traditions we had were a source of comfort and continuity for me/us even in those first turbulent weeks of reconciling that December.

Edited December 28, 2012 by Snowflower

[nofool4u]

Okay, I see what you mean. Are you sure there isn't at least one small positive out of having her out of your life though?

 

Oh sure, having her out of my life is fantastic, and can be seen as a positive. But the desire beforehand would have been to not have a POS cheating wife and keep my family together.

 

So again, it could be seen as a positive, but a bigger negative minus a positive is a negative. Betrayal doesn't have a net positive to it.

 

 

There is nothing positive about betrayal and I'm sure that is not what was meant. But it is obviously good that she is out of your life so I guess look at that as a "positive" perhaps?

 

I know what you are saying, but I'm assuming that is spilling over form another thread where a cheater apologist, not Spark, was trying to say that good things come from cheating as if its a wonderful thing. The only good thing would be that someone can make the decision to get rid of the cheater, but the same person would have rather had a faithful partner I'm sure.

[Spark1111]

Oh sure, having her out of my life is fantastic, and can be seen as a positive. But the desire beforehand would have been to not have a POS cheating wife and keep my family together.

 

So again, it could be seen as a positive, but a bigger negative minus a positive is a negative. Betrayal doesn't have a net positive to it.

 

 

 

 

I know what you are saying, but I'm assuming that is spilling over form another thread where a cheater apologist, not Spark, was trying to say that good things come from cheating as if its a wonderful thing. The only good thing would be that someone can make the decision to get rid of the cheater, but the same person would have rather had a faithful partner I'm sure.

 

Absolutely no doubt about that!

 

And I apologize. My attempt was not to be snarky.

 

There were changes I made to avoid triggers, and it retrospect, I am so happy I did!

 

I moved away from that big family dinner, where I had felt somewhat chained,

And focused on both what would make me and my children happy and made some fun, fun changes.

 

I'm glad I did. It's five years later and I do not trigger anymore. But the changes I made to get away from pain were good, strong, and important ones for me and my children. I created our holiday traditions whether I stayed married or divorced.