neveragain34 Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 There will come a time when we are going to feel alive again and begin to date single, AVAILABLE men. The inevididable question will come up eventually on these dates, "so why did your last relationship end?". When we meet someone serious, there will only be so much dodging we can do of that question with short answers like, "it just didn't work out." My question is how do you tell someone your last relationship was an A? Do you tell them? After my experience I don't want to find myself in anymore lies, but I'm also not proud of what I did. Would you date someone knowing this? I guess that was more than one question, but will be interesting to see what everyone has to say about this topic.
promises Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 There will come a time when we are going to feel alive again and begin to date single, AVAILABLE men. The inevididable question will come up eventually on these dates, "so why did your last relationship end?". When we meet someone serious, there will only be so much dodging we can do of that question with short answers like, "it just didn't work out." My question is how do you tell someone your last relationship was an A? Do you tell them? After my experience I don't want to find myself in anymore lies, but I'm also not proud of what I did. Would you date someone knowing this? I guess that was more than one question, but will be interesting to see what everyone has to say about this topic. Yes. I would tell them.
MissBee Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 (edited) It has come up and was never a big deal. Maybe it's also because he wasn't married so it didn't seem as shocking. But I never made a big production out of it. In discussing our past and different things I would say, "you know, once once I dated a taken guy". I usually explain it briefly and I think it's apparent that it's not my usual and that it was something I did in the past and grew from and not what I would ever do now. No one has ever reacted badly to it, it was usually a one time conversation or a passing comment in a conversation and we moved on. I need to be with someone that I am comfortable with who will love me warts and all, so if I feel I have to hide anything in order to be with you...it doesn't make sense. I think it's important to know. I'd want to know if a man cheated before or was in an A in some way but more importantly I would like to know his current stance. I would not want to date a man who felt it was a great thing or who saw nothing wrong with the situation, frankly. Edited December 27, 2012 by MissBee 1
jwi71 Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 There will come a time when we are going to feel alive again and begin to date single, AVAILABLE men. The inevididable question will come up eventually on these dates, "so why did your last relationship end?". When we meet someone serious, there will only be so much dodging we can do of that question with short answers like, "it just didn't work out." My question is how do you tell someone your last relationship was an A? Do you tell them? After my experience I don't want to find myself in anymore lies, but I'm also not proud of what I did. Would you date someone knowing this? I guess that was more than one question, but will be interesting to see what everyone has to say about this topic. Would I tell? Yes as I would want to begin a new R with a foundation of honesty, openness and integrity. Cannot omit that pertinent detail and be any of those three - especially consider that the fact it was an A is the previous R's DEFINING trait. Its a tad bit important. My opinion of course. Would I be willing to have a meaningful R with a former OW? Depends on many things too numerous to write here. I'm sure most will answer "depends" - so, there ya go - I might date a former OW. I might end it that night. It depends. Sorry, but there is no one answer and a poll of LS, or anyone, is likely to help guide your decision to disclose and his possible reaction. I will say if you are calculating this out, tell or not in order to keep this potential future BF, then I would say you haven't learned, aren't honest and not a viable dating candidate. Again, my opinion and perspective. YMMV.
buckeyeblue Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 I guess I feel differently (and I am a BS). If you were not married yourself when you were seeing the MM, I don't know that you have to tell anybody if you are not comfortable doing so, especially if you are resigned to never repeating that choice. However, if you are ever asked point-blank whether you have ever been a partner in an A, I think you should be honest.
HurtinUnit Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 I think honesty is incredibly important and yes, where I've never cheated, or been in any kind of affair or helped in accommodating one... I have other dirty laundry and will always be upfront about it. Those who see them as great or don't see anything wrong with doing that will never tell you anyway. "Oh yeah I loved the affair, it was great fun, you're married, right?" nope, don't see that happening lol. Would be nice screening process though, huh?
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 I think that when we can tell that a relationship is going somewhere, we owe it to that person and to ourselves to tell them the truth about things that might influence their opinion and feelings about us - like being an OW. And criminal history, substance abuse in the past, etc. I held myself to that. Not just for the other person (who is now my husband), but because I needed to be accepted by him fully. He was more stringent about this than I was; he told me that he'd cheated on his wife on the phone before we even had our first date because he was so ashamed and thought it likely that I would not accept that about him. Turned out we both accepted one another's serious shortcomings. 3
watergirl12 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I don't see how it is any of their business. 2
Silly_Girl Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 The relationship I had that started as an affair is very important in terms of the history that brings me to my current place in life. It's not something I would brag about, or hide. My other half knows, and understands. He has watched a workplace affair unravel and has the view that the onus to be faithful is on the attached person, as do I. He knows how important the relationship was, and how very helpful it was to me after a traumatic period. He also knows that I feel very strongly that I would never again involve myself with an attached person, and likewise would never consider any extra-marital involvement myself. My being honest about previous situations also encouraged him to do the same and we both are certain that was the right approach for us. 2
SunsetRed Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 I don't plan on telling them, not unless I meet another separated guy and then I will lay it down as to why I wont date separated men. I know this sounds cynical, but the men we're dating are probably lying about something as well. I don't think I'm lying if I simply say that it didn't work out. An almost lie I told a potential date just today was..."it didn't work out because he needed to relocate and I wasn't able to relocate w him and we weren't gonna do the long distance thing" THATS kind of true..he needed to relocate to the house he shared w him wife lol and I wasn't able to relocate there, and it is a long distance btwn the house of the wife and the house of a mistress...so that's the version of my story I plan on sharing w future men.
bentnotbroken Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 If a man is planning a future with me....I would like to know if he had ever been an AP. I should have the choice if I wish to take a chance on repetitive behavior. If they keep it from me...character..who we are when no one is looking. I do not think it necessary in just friendly hanging out situations or casual dating. 1
Got it Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 I would disclose as I would want to discuss all relationships with the other person and vice versa. They whys things didn't work out, what was learned, good and bad, what they thought and how they expressed things. I would want to hear how they talked about their ex(es), how they discussed the relationships and see if I heard any red flags in their tone or thought process in them. I have discussed in casual conversation my OW status. I am not ashamed of it. But it isn't something I would go out of my way to discuss right away. Depends on the person and conversation. If they fault me for it, judge me on it, better to know sooner than later that we aren't compatible. It is a part of me, I can't change it or regret it.
Tenacity Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 There will come a time when we are going to feel alive again and begin to date single, AVAILABLE men. The inevididable question will come up eventually on these dates, "so why did your last relationship end?". When we meet someone serious, there will only be so much dodging we can do of that question with short answers like, "it just didn't work out." My question is how do you tell someone your last relationship was an A? Do you tell them? After my experience I don't want to find myself in anymore lies, but I'm also not proud of what I did. Would you date someone knowing this? I guess that was more than one question, but will be interesting to see what everyone has to say about this topic. Tell what? No, it's no one's business but my own to work out. Not that I would ever trust another freaking man ever again, to date, marry, or otherwise.
Silly_Girl Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 Tell what? No, it's no one's business but my own to work out. Not that I would ever trust another freaking man ever again, to date, marry, or otherwise. I used to feel like that too. I'm sorry you're in that place.
Nyla Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I have found that men can be very judgemental about a woman's past. The men that I have known were always very harsh to women who had engaged in promiscuity or cheating. For this reason, I don't think it is wise for women to share certain things with men. I have never been an OW, but if I was in the past I wouldn't have told my husband about it.
MissBee Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 (edited) I have found that men can be very judgemental about a woman's past. The men that I have known were always very harsh to women who had engaged in promiscuity or cheating. For this reason, I don't think it is wise for women to share certain things with men. I have never been an OW, but if I was in the past I wouldn't have told my husband about it. I've experienced the exact opposite in fact...so it's probably not men as a monolith but types of men. I wouldn't encourage anyone to regurgitate every sordid sexual encounter they had...but for me, I don't personally understand how someone can marry someone or expect to have an authentic relationship, if they feel like they have to keep certain things a secret. That seems very stressful to me. If a man judges you and doesn't accept your PAST...he's not the guy for you. Plain and simple. I don't believe in manipulating outcomes by omitting facts. That's what happens in As too. People leave out certain details to their BS/AP because they are afraid if the truth is known the person will choose differently. That's not your choice to make though. If a man doesn't want to marry a woman who has been in an affair or who has been promiscuous...that is 100% his valid choice and I see no reason for a woman who has been in an A/been promiscuous to attempt to marry this man by simply lying by omission about this. The best relationships are where you can be yourself. Where you are not pretending to be perfect or painting yourself to be more saintly or more anything than you really are. You should be able to let your hair down and say this is who I am. I encourage women and men to do that. The person who sees YOU and sticks around is the kind of person you want. You never have to worry about your past haunting you or some omitted fact being found out later, because you KNOW they know everything and still love and chose YOU. Versus chasing after men/women whom you have to hide things from so they don't judge you. Edited January 1, 2013 by MissBee 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted January 1, 2013 Posted January 1, 2013 I would think of it this way, if they find out later without you being the one to tell, would that be a problem? If not then no need to tell now. If yes, then even If there is no way they would find out later, still you probably owe it to them to tell.
Author neveragain34 Posted January 1, 2013 Author Posted January 1, 2013 Thanks for all of the advice. I think we can all agree that this is information we should only share with someone we see long term potential with. I should be able to by myself around anyone I'm going to become serious with and whether I care to admit it or not, the A is a part of me.
cocorico Posted January 2, 2013 Posted January 2, 2013 I think it's really important that you have similar core values, when considering a serious R. Infidelity is an issue you need to discuss to ascertain each other's position on it. If your positions is that you indulged, in your past, but feel completely opposed now and would never want to venture down that road again on the basis of that experience, then for someone who shares your values that should not be a dealbreaker. When we meet new people, my Partner and I are often asked how we met, and we tell them. Few people care that there was an A involved and those that do see it as positive evidence of the strength of our love, that we could overcome all the obstacles that stood in our way (including his M). If someone you are planning on entering a serious R with is so judgmental you feel you can't share your past with them, that does not augur well for the prospects of your R.
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