Have a drink with my ex?

[Tyrandi]

A few weeks ago my GF broke up with me after a LDR, just before I would go back home. The reasons were, in a nutshell, that she missed me so much and that she couldn't handle the pain of me not being there, so she started pushing away her feelings for me. After a while, she wasn't in love with me anymore and after that she didn't know if I was the right guy for her, because we have some different personalities. She did say that the distance made those differences larger, so that made her question things. And because she was questioning things, she thought the relationship was already doomed and wanted to break it off. (whenever she heard other people say they were questioning the relationship, she said to me that she thought that should never happen in a relationship, as that's a clear sign that somethings wrong).

 

11 days later I got back home, but we didn't see eachother until a week later. She told me she already started dating someone else a few days after we broke up (he asked her out and she knew him before, already thought he was a cool guy, but only started developing feelings for him then). Then she told me why things didn't work out for her anymore, but I told her I was back and that she doesn't have to miss me anymore. She half agreed, and I saw her becoming sad, so I grabbed her hand, pulled her in, she smiled, and we had an intimate hug. Afterwards we held hands, looked into eachothers eyes, told each other how much we missed one another, and we almost kissed. But she couldn't as she was with this other guy and she didn't want to mess things up. I remained cool during this entire time, and after a while things took a more lighthearted fashion again and then I left.

 

I spoke with her best friends the 2 days after that, and I told them I loved her with all my heart, but I also wanted her to be happy above all. Eventhough they kept most of the information to themselves, I know that my ex knows that I had a hard time dealing with it, that I loved her (even though I never told her that), but that I knew I had to move on. At one of those times me and her best friend got a bit tipsy drinking, so I called her up and asked her if she wanted to talk one more time. She didn't respond, so I texted her later and told her I wanted to talk one last time, to be able to move on. She said that she had already moved on, but she agreed to talk. She couldn't talk that day or the next, but said that she has more time in the second week of the christmas holiday (next week).

 

Now we haven't spoken to eachother since (It's been a week) and I've given it some thought. I want to talk to her and tell her that I'm ready to move on and when I look back at the relationship, I just see a fantastic time, with a fantastic girl and a lot of amazing memories. I want to tell her that I was sorry that I caused the circumstances for why it didn't work out (I went on exchange). After that I want to go for a walk and just talk for a bit, about anything and everything, just like we always did. And then leave and not contact her for a long time, and have some closure.

(perhaps I also want to truthfully say that I think it's a bit of a **** move of her to date someone else so quickly, but I'm not sure what good that will do. I'll just push her away I think)

 

So basically I want to show her that I'm ready to move on, but that I still care. But I asked some friends and some said it sounded like a good idea, and also to tell her honestly how I feel, but others said it wouldn't make a difference, it wouldn't add anything as she already knows how I feel.

 

I think that it's still a good idea, to give myself closure and to let her know how I feel about everything. And perhaps have a friendship later on, when things have settled down.

 

I was just wondering what you guys think I should do now? I could contact her, arrange a time for us to meet up, or tell her that I thought about things and realized that this conversation wouldn't add anything that we didn't know already.

[Jono85]

ultimately you gotta do what you gotta do. but i'm telling you, this is a bad idea.

 

you haven't accepted that it's over yet, and that's pretty normal. it's still really fresh, after all. but the point is, her feelings are gone. it really sucks. that's not to say they'll never come back, but imo you need to just let things be, and get out of her life. she's already being fairly resistant towards seeing/talking with you. she's just going to feel guilty, and that won't get her feelings back or make her feel great. at the end of the day, she's just tossing your relationship in the trash for this new guy, and is totally content with that. don't even give her the time of day, man. save your dignity and pride, i wish i did. walk away with your chin up, and let her go like a man. it's going to hurt for a while, but it has to be done.

[TaraMaiden]

ultimately you gotta do what you gotta do. but i'm telling you, this is a bad idea.

 

you haven't accepted that it's over yet, and that's pretty normal. it's still really fresh, after all. but the point is, her feelings are gone. it really sucks. that's not to say they'll never come back, but imo you need to just let things be, and get out of her life. she's already being fairly resistant towards seeing/talking with you. she's just going to feel guilty, and that won't get her feelings back or make her feel great. at the end of the day, she's just tossing your relationship in the trash for this new guy, and is totally content with that. don't even give her the time of day, man. save your dignity and pride, i wish i did. walk away with your chin up, and let her go like a man. it's going to hurt for a while, but it has to be done.

 

We should be able to mega-like posts....

 

Hugely wrong idea, dude.

Big big mistake, to meet for drinks.

Enormous mistake.

[Sav]

I would say leave it. If she could dump this guy and get back together with her ex (you), she could easily do the same to you. And shame on you for acting this way, almost kissed? I know you still like this girl but making her cheat on her boyfriend is a horrible thing to do.

 

I hope u make the right decision. If you really want her, fight for her but dont make her do anything stupid. Make sure she breaks off with the other guy first if things really do work out.

[Tyrandi]

Perhaps it is a wrong idea :/ Because it is a bit of a weak move on her part to go for someone else so quickly. I'm not sure what would work better: Telling her now that I don't want to meet up anymore, because I don't want to talk to her anymore after what she had done. That way we'd leave on a negative note, but I'd show her that I stand my ground and that I don't accept this kind of stuff.

 

Or talk about us in a positive light, and tell her personally that she really hurt me by what she did. But that I'm moving on and just remember the good times. So leaving on a positive note, but maybe that's too much for her already as she's way further than me on the moving on part.

 

I'm wondering what would be best for our relationship in the long run. I don't want to mess things up completely, as you never know what the future may hold. I know her best friends quite well and they all say that they give this new guy 3 months tops. Most of them think he's a rebound as well *knocks on wood*. So I don't want to be sabotaging her relationship or keeping her close, as that would mess things up completely, but at the same time I don't want to leave on a negative note, as that would burn all the bridges as well I believe.

 

Finally, even though I kind of agree that meeting up might not be the best of ideas, there are some things I want to bring up to give myself closure. And I think that's quite important in this situation, and I believe I can give her a lot more distance that way as well.

 

At first I wanted to go for a walk as well after the "serious talk", to talk about more light stuff and see if we can rekindle some of our friendship in one way or another and leave on a positive note with eachother. But now that you guys have spoken, I'm not sure if that's the best of ideas as I might push her away by that, or make her realize that she is completely over me and has no feelings whatsoever for me. So if I do meet up with her, should I talk about light stuff, or only about serious stuff and then leave afterwards, so probably in like 15-30 minutes chat time?

[Tyrandi]

Haha, you guys really made me think. Now I definitely don't want to meet up with her, as she knows most of the stuff I want to say anyway (eventhough we never said it to eachother), and the things she doesn't know (like how I've changed).. well, she doesn't really care about hearing that because she has moved on. And me telling her that I'm sorry for leaving her and that it wasn't nice how she handled things, probably won't get her back or do any good for that matter.

 

I'm still wondering if it's the best way to get back to her (yes I know, but I just don't want to burn any bridges), as in your sticky Tama, you said that no contact is not a way to get back with your ex. But at the same time, I know that it can instill a fear of loss. But will she feel this fear of loss, if she's with someone else and I've already been gone for so long in her life? The reason we broke up was because I wasn't there, but now I am back. Making her realize what a great guy I am and that I am, definitely back, will perhaps make her realize what she's missing out on and what a mistake she's made.

 

Also, being able to talk to one another shows that we're moving on. If I say to her: I don't want to meet up, it will be too painful, and it won't do any good. Then she knows that I'm still not over her. And if I don't talk about "us", but about her and me and keep the conversation light, fun and spontaneous, she may see what she's missing out on (though the point of us having that conversation will be gone). The first conversation I had with her was a really fun conversation, we joked, flirted and talked very well. And it made the guy she's dating now insanely jealous, which I heard later on. It's an added bonus, as I know she doesn't understand people who get jealous.

 

But at the same time, in your sticky, if she does realize what she's missing out on, she will contact me during no contact and I will also be able to move on more easily. So it could be a win-win if I do a NC. If I hold my ground now, show her I don't accept this kind of behaviour and basically man up, it will be easier later on to have a conversation about just.. us and not the relationship we had, as we've both moved on from it (we're in the same student union, so I'll see her every week basically). If I say to her that I care for her deeply, but that I will move on, I think she will have this lingering feeling inside of her that I want to get back together with her, whenever we would talk in the future. Standing my ground and manning up will probably get rid off that, and show her that I don't need her.

 

It's a difficult situation and my friends are trying to help me a great deal, but they all say that they are at a loss with this one. As you can see yourself, I'm at a loss as well and I'm jumping from on side to the other.

Edited December 31, 2012 by Tyrandi

[TaraMaiden]

The only way you get a dumper back is to ensure you're absent enough for them to miss you and want you back.

Meeting her is a sign of desperation.

I guarantee all you'll get is breadcrumbs, and "It's nice you've changed, hope it continues well for you."

 

When a dumper dumps you, the only thing you should be waiting for is the

"I was wrong, I want you back" call.

Spoken.

Not text.

 

And until it comes from them, everything else is just chain-dangling.

 

It has to come from her, and it has to come unbidden.

 

The more moves you make, the deeper the hole you dig yourself.

 

But I doubt you'll listen.

Go ahead, meet her - tell us how it went.

I promise I won't come back with "We told you so."

[Tyrandi]

I have a feeling all I get will be breadcrumbs as well. But it still looks illogical to me to not go to her and make her realize what she's missing, as the reason she broke up with me was because she forced her feelings away from me because I was gone.

 

But I agree, it's better for me to not see her. When she texts me to meet up again (probably tomorrow), I'll tell her I'm too busy (I actually am). Then if she contacts to arrange something else, I'll text that there's no point in meeting up. I'm done with everything. If she doesn't contact, I won't either.

 

Maybe in a few months/years we can work things out, as there was nothing wrong between us, but while she is still with that other guy. I can't be bothered anymore. I won't accomplish a goddamn thing.

 

Doing anything now will just push her away further. Thanks Tara

[TaraMaiden]

I have a feeling all I get will be breadcrumbs as well. But it still looks illogical to me to not go to her and make her realize what she's missing, as the reason she broke up with me was because she forced her feelings away from me because I was gone.

This is wishful thinking.

I have seen with my own eyes people who have improved themselves and made progress with both their looks and attitudes, in order to show their exes "What they were missing" and let me tell you, it really doesn't make a gram of difference.

It doesn't rekindle anything, it doesn't make them miss you. All it does is show them you look different - 'good for you!'

Her feelings died. And no amount of 'CPR' will bring them back.

You won't be showing her anything she would yearn for.

Because in her mind, you're still the guy she broke up with, and for a reason.

If she broke up with you for one reason, then there is no other reason that will bring her back, or make her see what she's missing.

.That's why she broke up with you.

Because she knew exactly what she was missing.

 

Maybe in a few months/years we can work things out, as there was nothing wrong between us, but while she is still with that other guy. I can't be bothered anymore. I won't accomplish a goddamn thing.

See, this is still wishful thinking. You have to put every thought of a possible reconciliation out of your mind.

It's not going to happen - and frankly, if she's moved on to someone else, that shouldn't even be a consideration!

It's completely over, and you need to move on.

Clinging on to any foolish hope is just holding you back. Get a grip and come to terms with it.

This is a no-brainer, fellah.... get real.

 

 

Doing anything now will just push her away further. Thanks Tara.

Imagine you're on a beach, looking out to sea. There's a sailboat about a half mile away.

And it moves 6 feet further out.

Do you notice the difference?

 

No.

 

This is the difference this would make to her being distant from you already.

 

She's already gone. She couldn't be more 'gone' if you tried.

No matter what you do, 'pushing her away further' doesn't come into it.

She's already far away enough to not make a blind bit of difference.

[movingon12]

I have a feeling all I get will be breadcrumbs as well. But it still looks illogical to me to not go to her and make her realize what she's missing, as the reason she broke up with me was because she forced her feelings away from me because I was gone.

 

Unless she's had some kind of brain injury which has resulted in the loss of her long term memory - she already knows what she's missing. She thought about her relationship with you and decided she could probably do better with someone else.

 

But I agree, it's better for me to not see her. When she texts me to meet up again (probably tomorrow), I'll tell her I'm too busy (I actually am). Then if she contacts to arrange something else, I'll text that there's no point in meeting up. I'm done with everything. If she doesn't contact, I won't either.

 

Good plan!

[road]

OP, what you don't realize she had found a guy she liked better then you. When she was sure she had the new guy hooked, your replacement, she became the dumper and you were the dumpee/dumped on (which ever one you prefer).

 

You need to realize GF most likely cheated on you with at least an EA.

[The_Face]

Go NC. Don't prolong the pain. She won't take you back. And if she did, the same thing would happen again.

Edited January 1, 2013 by The_Face
Off-topic

[Game]

Alright...this is a really easy one. I'm also guessing you guys are pretty young, early 20's if not teens.

 

My guess is that long before she broke up with you, she was already forging a relationship with the other guy. Chicks tend to do this when they are unhappy in their existing relationships. I don't know if you're back in town for good or just for the winter break bc you're attending college or whatever, but if you are back in town for a break, she knows that you are going to leave again and that pursuing a relationship would be futile (that is if she is even interested in pursuing a relationship with you at the moment). Basically, whatever you do at this point is not going to change her mind and that you meeting up with her to inform her that you love her, and remind her of all the great times, etc. etc. is actually going to prolong you from moving on rather than her suddenly realizing that she made a mistake. She already thought about her decision long and hard before she made it - another thing that girls tend to do which is why it's usually hard to change their minds once they have made up their mind.

 

She already knows everything you're going to tell her bc you already poured out your heart to her best friends. She is not going to give you what you want. If you are ok with this and have made peace with it, then meeting up with her will be ok, but just know that this meeting is not going to change ANYTHING.

 

The fact that she didn't kiss you when you guys had a "moment" or whatever should seal the situation for you. If she was more interested in you than her current boyfriend, she might have been willing to make this "mistake". I've gone through it with many ex-girlfriends so basically you know when the signs are there.

 

All in all, the jury on this one says move on. If it's meant to be she will come back later, but now is not the time.

[Tyrandi]

She didn't kiss as the she has a lot of principles she tries to uphold. It would make sense if she did cheat on me (not sure what EA means, something with emotions?), but she's not that kind of person. All of her friends acknowledged that she only developed feelings for the guy after he asked her out. At the same time, all of her friends only give them 3 months tops, and pretty much everyone we know thinks she's doing a downgrade.

 

But she did break up for me for some reason, which is still very much unclear. I probably wasn't the right guy for her, at least at this point in time (we are still young, I'm 21 and she's 20.) I was gone, feelings disappear, doubts start to appear, differences become larger because of distance = looking for something else. We'll see how things turn out, we were supposed to meet up again tonight (she suggested it, didn't really reply to it), but I have a feeling she's not gonna contact me about it, and I won't either.

 

I'm starting to date other people now as well, trying to move things further. Thanks guys