Kouch Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 Long time reader, first time poster. I have a long story, of being in an abusive relationship of 3 years. She cheated on me, and ruined my relationships while we worked together. After I left, she had a child. When I came back, she continued to be abusive. Most recently, I came to see her where she requested sex, and then threatened to accuse me of rape. She's been recording our phone conversations, and trying to get me to admit to physical abuse. She's told me to never contact her again. I havn't. I've felt 'in-love' with this woman for 3 years, I havn't been able to truly get her out of my mind. I've lost my career, and am back in school. I seem to have accepted that I have a mental disorder, and my addiction to smoking has become my biggest priority. I've felt de-masculated by her, and I feel guilty for losing my wits about our relationship. I've tried to sub-consciously ruin our relationship, instead of just walking away, and I've given into weak thoughts about myself. I've managed to lose my career, and I have bad debts (credit cards). I also can't seem to get along with people because I feel very angry and impatient with people, and I don't think I can hold a job. Many of the people I associate with think I'm an idiot, and have 'inside conversations' making statements about me, infront of me. I chose to ignore all this, and I feel very lost. I feel like what I'm doing wrong is not drawing strength from this experience, but giving into despair, and even negative thinking about myself. I've even questioned if I was the abuser, although I remember 90% of the time I was begging for her to stop her behavior. I've had a vision that I wanted a girlfriend after I graduate and have a career, but I'm wondering if I'm not losing time that I could be with someone else, even if temporarily. I think I could be good for someone else, but I feel like I can only care about myself, and my priority of smoking. I still obsess about my past, and I'm living the same day over and over again. My question: will I get joy from applying myself, and getting better? Because I don't think my life will ever change. In society, I've become a joke, and I get a lot of disrespect from both sexes. I'm kinda aloof and lost. Kouch
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