To what extent do you consider your partner's thoughts when buying clothes?

[Els]

(Bah, can't use 'opinion' in the title. Wtf?)

 

Just out of curiousity. This year, we went on our traditional annual shopping trip during the sales period after Christmas. I asked the bf if he would like to sit around in the coffee shops or something (like most of the other men were doing ) while I went to the women's stores, but he (politely?) declined.

 

Unfortunately, I am very particular about the clothes I buy, partly because I am anal about comfort, and partly because I am on a tight budget and cannot afford to pay a lot for a piece that I might not get maximum wear out of. Even when the bf pays, it doesn't fix the issue because he also doesn't have much and then I'd just feel guilty if I decided I didn't like it later.

 

Also, for a man, he is incredibly perceptive regarding women's fashion and seems to have fairly specific opinions on what he thinks looks good. He doesn't attribute much priority to whether my clothes look good or not to him, but if asked, he most certainly has an opinion.

 

The net result of all this is that we spent 5 hours going around and the only things I got were a bag and a book, which took about 5 minutes each to select. I liked maybe 1 item in each store, 90% of those he didn't like, and the 10% that we BOTH liked were either not in my size or beyond the price we felt it was worth.

 

I know I could have just taken the items that I liked and he wouldn't try to convince me otherwise since he strongly believes that I should do as I like, but it seems odd to go with someone and not ask their opinion. And even worse to ask their opinion and then go ahead and buy it despite their opinion being negative. And for some reason, even if I liked it before, I think I'd subconsciously think of it as ugly once he says it is, and I wouldn't really want to wear it.

 

Maybe I should just go alone next time and live in blissful ignorance of his opinion since he doesn't really care what I wear?

[TaraMaiden]

Maybe I should just go alone next time and live in blissful ignorance of his opinion since he doesn't really care what I wear?

 

You just answered your own question.

[Els]

You just answered your own question.

 

:laugh: You think it is a good idea to just not know and care, then?

[TaraMaiden]

Yes.

They're your clothes, you body and it's high time we bought clothes because we're happy, comfortable, at ease and relaxed in them.

 

Besides - some jumpers outlive relationships... you want to keep wearing clothes that you picked and enjoyed - not that he picked and enjoyed, otherwise, they might just be like wearing bad memories.

[Els]

That is true. I do want to look good for him to an extent though, even if he doesn't really mind either way. Maybe I'm just bananas.

 

Edit: Also, (un)fortunately our R has outlived 99% of my clothes!

[TaraMaiden]

I sometimes believe a really good pair of shoes is worth ten relationships any day!!

 

It's nice to look good for someone - on two conditions.

One, they appreciate.

Two, they reciprocate.

 

Does he make the effort to look good for you?

 

If you go out anywhere, by yourselves, to no special or particular event, and you wear the frock, do the hair, nails and make-up and look a million dollars - what does he do? Does he make an equivalent effort, or is he part of the jeans and trainers brigade?

 

Does he tell you how wonderful you look? How lovely you are?

How nice it is of you to spend the time to look lovely?

[Els]

He does put in the effort when I do, actually. Oddly enough, that makes him look overdressed sometimes, even if I look normal. We once went to a dinner at some hotel restaurant - I wore a evening dress and black stockings, he wore a coat, shirt and slacks. Seems like we matched, right? But while all of the other women were in nice dresses as well, most of the other men were in tees and jeans - even baggy tees. So even though we matched, he stood out oddly. Weird.

 

If I decide to wear a tee and jeans, he happily follows suit. But then he looks normal while I look underdressed. Oy vey.

[JamesM]

Man's POV.

 

I have an opinion about my wife's clothes, too, BUT I know when to keep it to myself!

 

And that shopping trip would have been my last!

 

She thinks I have a good idea of what looks good on her and she asks, but she buys her own clothes and knows what she wants. She knows that my opinion is just that, and usually I dislike something only because it makes her look either fat or frumpy. Otherwise, I am open to many fashions. Since I dated and married her based on her fashion tastes, I rarely get too out of joint over what she buys.

 

As for my own clothes, I buy them. She thinks I have good fashion taste and sends me out to buy the kids' clothes. I love her opinion and it does influence me. And if she thinks some style looks good on me, then I usually get more of it. However, it still needs to be comfortable.

 

For you....get what you want. Ask him how it looks on you, but don't ask if he likes the style per se. You do want an opinion about how it fits or how the color looks, but you also want to keep your own "fashion."

 

Bottom line...you wear it and should be comfortable in what you wear.

[Els]

Man's POV.

 

I have an opinion about my wife's clothes, too, BUT I know when to keep it to myself!

 

And that shopping trip would have been my last!

 

:laugh: Yeah, he is honest to the point of being blunt. I'm not going to get upset over it though. I think it's illogical to ask someone their opinion and get pissed at them for it.

 

She thinks I have a good idea of what looks good on her and she asks, but she buys her own clothes and knows what she wants. She knows that my opinion is just that, and usually I dislike something only because it makes her look either fat or frumpy. Otherwise, I am open to many fashions. Since I dated and married her based on her fashion tastes, I rarely get too out of joint over what she buys.

 

If you were to honestly tell her, "I personally think it looks frumpy", would she still buy it?

 

For you....get what you want. Ask him how it looks on you, but don't ask if he likes the style per se. You do want an opinion about how it fits or how the color looks, but you also want to keep your own "fashion."

 

I am not sure if he is able to separate the two.

 

Bottom line...you wear it and should be comfortable in what you wear.

 

Sadly I am an idealist so I always keep looking for a piece that I am comfortable with AND he likes. Coupled with our budget, that seems to be the holy grail...

[JamesM]

:laugh: Yeah, he is honest to the point of being blunt. I'm not going to get upset over it though. I think it's illogical to ask someone their opinion and get pissed at them for it.

 

It IS illogical, but we all want someone to validate our own opinion. So if you think it looks good, then it doesn't feel so good if he differs in his opinion.

 

Being blunt is part of the problem.

 

Besides, he should be open to the idea that after he gets used to it, he may like it. I have learned that lesson myself. Sometimes my initial opinion is different from my later opinion.

 

If you were to honestly tell her, "I personally think it looks frumpy", would she still buy it?

 

Depends. Not always. But if she did, then she will NEVER forget what I said. That is where tact is very important when giving an opinion. Of course, she knows what my tact can really mean!

 

Most of the time she buys her clothes and THEN asks me my opinion. That is where tact is VERY important.

 

I am not sure if he is able to separate the two.

 

He should. I have learned that some of my dislike of her clothes is because what she is wearing is different than usual.

 

Sadly I am an idealist so I always keep looking for a piece that I am comfortable with AND he likes. Coupled with our budget, that seems to be the holy grail...

 

I would put your comfort and your likes ahead of his likes without ignoring his opinion. Taste is personal. Just because I don't like something doesn't make the fashion or style horrible. Using gardening as an example, many people make gardens that are not my style, and yet they look good. Many women and men wear clothes that I don't like or don't look good on me yet they look good on them...because that is them. Example...there is a girl at the local pet store who dresses in more unusual clothes and colors her hair black and blue or red and black or who knows what. If my wife did that, I would think it rather strange. This girl wears it and it is extremely sexy and cool looking. Now...suppose this girl was my gf and I tried to put my fashion tastes onto her? It would make her someone that she wasn't. And yet I should be open to my wife wanting to try a strange style without freaking out.

 

I do wonder how she would look in that girl's style.... My wife can make most styles look sexy. Our kids would really have a cow though!

 

Your bf needs to let you be you while guiding you with his opinion. And if being you means suddenly coloring your hair blue or picking a new style, then he needs to say how it fits and how the color looks while "allowing" you to branch out.

 

Not sure that what I said makes sense.... Basically, opinions are great, but that is all they are...opinions.

[Els]

Thanks, J, I gotcha. I don't think he is trying to force his opinions on me, I'm possibly just putting too much stock in them. This relationship is the first one in which I've gone clothes shopping with a willing bf - the exes ran for the hills at the slightest hint of 'girly' activities. You're right - opinions are just opinions.