dennis15 Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 My wife and I have been together 8 years. It's been a rocky journey with lots of conflict since the very beginning. Very early on in the relationship, we discovered we were expecting a baby, and following consideration and discussion, decided to start a life together. We moved in together, became parents, and in the middle of everything, began to get to know each other. Being from separate countries, with very different cultural backgrounds, we discovered we have very different sets of values, styles of communication, styles of parenting. While difference can be exciting, and at the same time, provide new things to learn, it has led to lots of fighting in our home. I am open, conversational, reflective. I have always tried to discuss the challenges in couple and family life as a way to work with my wife towards a happier, more functional home. From spending time with the kids, to having time together as a couple, I have always wanted to have a home that is (not perfect) loving, open, resilient, happy. My wife is very closed, and prefers to stick with what she knows. When there is a problem with the kids, she often only sees the acute issue, missing the real issue that is going on. This happens with the simplest of things. For example if the kids are ratty with each other, she'll shout at them, saying she can't manage, when often, they're just hungry, and once they've eaten, they're fine. She misses things like this all the time, and as a result, doesn't appear to understand our kids, or listen to them. She undermines our eldest daughter Ruth all the time (we had a second child 2 years ago) all the time and constantly fights with her. While Ruth is socially very able, she has very little confidence in her own ability, she also is a very needy child. Though I'm not a psychologist, I put her lack of confidence and constant search for reassurance from others down to the constant rejection and undermining she receives from my wife. My wife is also very hostile towards me. She ignores me, acuses me of being selfish, tells me I don't love her, when I do. While I've lived with her behaviour for many years now, always trying to be optimistic about change, or understanding on her part - I've come to a point where I don't think I want to go on. I just don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me and our kids very unhappy a lot bit of the time. We have been for counselling and therapy a couple of times. Generally my wife reaches a point, early on, where she refuses to go, saying she feels fine, and that she hates talking. I find it difficult when this happens, but I can't force her to go. Over the last few days of Christmas, we hosted a big family dinner and went to several social and church functions. During this time I enjoyed myself, my wife appeared to also, and I know the kids did, yet underneath, my wife was constantly accusing me of things. On the surface there is a good life, but in truth, we have been very unhappy for a long time. I hate the prospect of breaking up a family. With my daughter 7 years old, I have read that kids are affected most by breakup at this stage. Also, my wife and I have had times of happiness even though they are outweighed by periods of fighting. I wonder if things could be better. At the same time, I remember saying to myself when we were only 2 years together and fighting a lot, I need to give it time and effort, to see if it will work. Here we are 6 years later and things are pretty similar. Any help or objective advice is most welcome...
Midwestmom12 Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 Wow. Hugs because your relationship sounds so much like mine. The difference being my husband is the one like your wife. People can get frustrated when someone is indecisive about leaving but I understand your pain. You're miserable and you know you want out but the guilt of breaking up a family and your love of family is what is holding you there even though you know you should go. I am in the process of gaining the strength to leave. It's hard and will be hard on everyone but think of how much healthier and happier life will be when the dust settles. Your children will be fine if you are fine. Move on while you still have time to find true happiness.
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