Talking constantly..

[quite.foolish]

For the past five months since this went down, I'm constantly talking to her in my head. I am SO angry at her.

 

I want to force her to talk. What the **** is wrong with me?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I can't ****ing deal with this much more.

[quite.foolish]

I'm going to end up doing something ridiculous over this. It's just not going away at all. It's constantly there in my head, going round and round and round. I've never felt anything like this before. I don't know what the hell to do.

[TaraMaiden]

I told you what to do. You need professional help.

 

You obviously can't do this on your own, you're compulsively obsessing and to be honest, this can lead to mental illness.

 

Contact someone professional.

 

I don't honestly believe anybody here can provide any answers.

[quite.foolish]

As I walk, I count my steps..

 

Right Foot is one, Left Foot is two, three, four, five..

 

I get to one hundred steps and revert back to one. I then count to eight..

 

I revert back to one and count to one hundred.

 

OCD?lol

 

It's like there are six things going through my head at once. I can think of six situations simultaniously. I'll be walking, counting my steps, talking to her in my head in a number of situations. I'll be wondering what she's doing and I'll be angry at passer's by in the street. They see an angry person staring at the floor, crying walking alone.

 

I feel rage at anyone who walks by. I portray the wounds caused by her on to other people and I imagine hurting them. I give cold stares to anybody on a regular basis. Men, women, children.

 

I imagine screaming at them. Grabbing them. I walk around with a cold expression. Often times when I'm talking to a person, if they look away from me for a split second, I'll allow my rage to build, I'll bite down hard against my own teeth and imagine the damage I would do with an unexpected punch to the face. Then as they look back I'm smiling and nodding along, pretending I'm listening to them, laughing with them.

 

I feel angry all the time. The slightest tone of voice change and I flip. I shout aggressively. Sometimes I bottle it up and the rage builds. I feel compelled to throw punches or throttle someone's throat.

 

I want to see her cry. I can not take people ignoring me. I can't believe she has ignored me like that. Had me thrown in the cage. I'm joking along with the police officers, all along I'm feeling sheer anger inside at the fact she has done this. They ask me if I've ever contemplated suicide, I shake my head, laughing, "no way aha" while in my mind I see pictures of myself hanging from the ceiling. I'm sitting alone in the cell, imagining the ways to hurt her. Envisioning it all along. I begin shadow boxing. Alone in the cell. I want to punch my way through the walls. I know only my hand will break. I hold this compulsion.

 

When I hear them coming to unlock the door, I jump up in silence, stand 3 feet from the door, hands behind my back, standing tall with a blank expression, as if I've been standing still for 8 hours, waiting for them to open the door.

 

I put fear in to people. I'm not a big guy, I'm not particularly fit or strong, but people know what's inside me. They know something isn't right. I've scared a lot of people with the expression on my face, the cold stare in my eye, the horrible murderous grin I can so easily hold, feeling no emotion, hearing no words spoken to me. I like to hurt people, I like to hurt them emotionally.

 

I often think in great detail how someone would react to me acting the way I want to. I imagine myself holding her by the face, squeezing asking her "Do you think you're going to take that from me? The thing I want most? If you won't give to me what I want from you, I'm going to take it.. Now apologise for hurting me" "you touch that phone I'm breaking your arm" "cry, right now. Tell me you love me"

 

I couldn't do these things. At least I don't think I could. Not quite as bad as that. Not that bad. I can throw punches to people's face and laugh. I can continue punching them on the ground, kicking their face. I know I can hurt people. It wouldn't be difficult. I feel no remorse for that.

 

Could I completely destroy someone's life? I don't know. Do I imagine it on a constant basis? yes.

 

Do I feel bad for upsetting her, scaring her? no do I wish she was still here to hang out with? yes.

 

I don't feel bad for what I've done. I've had pistols put to my head and felt no emotion. I've watched people get beaten to the ground, no emotion. I've been beaten to the ground with a wrench, woken up to see my own blood pouring to the ground, him standing over me asking if I want some more. No emotion.

 

The only emotion I feel is anger. Anger when I can't control what I want. I laugh at the right time, but I don't feel good. It hurts my jaw and my stomach. I say nice things, but I don't believe them. I don't mean them. They're only to make her want to wake up next to me.

 

When I wake up first, I would watch her sleep for a while. Imagining how easy it would be to end her right there and then. No scream, no banging, no struggling, no motive, no reason. No conscience.

 

I cry because she isn't here. Not because I didn't want to hurt her.

 

I wanted her to be MY TOY. Nobody else's. I've blown it. The prettiest girl in the world and I go and WRECK IT.

 

"Oh yea, by the way.. I told you friend I want to **** her. Then I told her I want to marry her. I arranged a date with another girl a few days ago, I didn't go because you said I could sleep over"

 

"Oh.. Your exam is in a couple of hours? I *completely* forgot":love:

 

I wanted to hurt her. I just didn't wait long enough. I was too eager to hurt her. I could have used her for longer. I could have had her child in love with me, so easily, I could have hurt them both. I wrecked it.

 

I completely screwed up my own plan. I was supposed to hurt her more than that. She only cried a few times. I only got to see it once

 

I wanted her to feel the pain that's inside me. Instead I was too eager. I should have waited. It all went to pot. Instead she was left with the real me. The person who knocks a single mother's door late at night, standing perfectly still with a grin on my face. Just staring. Smiling.

 

The kind who sends nothing but a smiley face, when instead of opening the door, she looks out, realises it the guy who talks about the devil inside him, who threatened to kill her, locks the door and hurrys upstairs..

 

All she receives is.. ":)"

 

I'm standing there talkign to her on her doorstep. Pretending to cry along with her while she' telling me how upset she is. I'm apologising, all along staring at her face, deep in to her eyes, imagining how oh so easy it would be to just grab her by he throat and close the door behind me.

 

But, I wait. I hope I can make her trust me again. I want her to invite me in to her house. Just like the first time I looked in her eyes and fantasized over ending her life.. "Are you sure about this?" "yeee, come in! come in!" "well, ok.. If I must :)"

 

Any time she turns her back I take a step towards her, visioning myself grabbing her and choking her. Then I think "No, not yet". We're 'play' fighting, I pin her down. She asks for some reason or another "would you kill me?" I stare her clean in the eye, for about fifteen seconds, to inches from her face, her pinned to the ground.. She doesn't know what's going through my head, how much I want to grab her throat and stop her life. I shake my head.. She seems relieved..

 

The sex, I won't get in to. She thought I loved her, she thought I was gentle. She didn't know what was going through my head when my hand was wrapped tight around her throat. She didn't understand the restraint that took, the will power it took to not stop her breathing.

 

We're alone in the house. There's no scream. It was an unfortunate accident. You should have been more careful. But not yet.

 

Now it's too late. I showed her what's inside. She can't trust me again, she can't trust me around her child. She can't trust me to sleep next to her. She can't even look at me. She knows what's inside. In some ways I'm glad she knows. It would have happened. There was too much rage. Her tone of voice was never quite right. She needed to know when to shut her mouth, not play around.

 

She knows what's inside. As do her friends and relatives. I go anywhere near her, I'm going to jail. Do I want to end her life? yes. Am I going to? no.

[TaraMaiden]

I told you what to do. You need professional help.

 

You obviously can't do this on your own, you're compulsively obsessing and to be honest, this can lead to mental illness.

 

Contact someone professional.

 

I don't honestly believe anybody here can provide any answers.

 

Repeated for emphasis.

 

you can vent and express all you like, nobody here can help you if you refuse to implement the advice, or it's too big a problem for you to get a handle on.

 

Find professional help.

 

I'm done here.

[quite.foolish]

No, that's not true. I don't want to end her life. I just want it to belong to me.

[TaraMaiden]

Tough schytt. It doesn't, it never will and you can't make it happen.

 

GET HELP.

[quite.foolish]

How can I be helped? No one can see things through my eyes.. I can say anything I want and make it believable. I don't know what the problem is, how could anyone else?

 

I've lived my life for nearly 25 years and I have no idea what or who I am. How can someone find out what's wrong and tell me how to fix it in a few hours of therapy?

 

None of that is true. I didn't want to hurt her. Not at all. I just said stupid **** to her when I was angry. I didn't mean it. There's no devil inside of me. I've had like two fights in my life. I protect people, I always try to calm situations down so noobdy is getting hurt.

 

I've just written so many words, and practised putting them in certain orders that I can stir any emotion.

 

When I'm happy, I say nice things and mean them. When I'm angry I say nasty things and people believe them.

 

I'm a good person, really. I know good from bad.. I just choose bad sometimes.

 

I have empathy. I don't like to see people sad. I just don't like to tell people that I'm sad. I would rather them not know. They don't need to be hearing about it.

 

Typing it is fine. People can choose to read it, or not. If I'm talking to someone face to face though, they feel obliged to listen. I don't want her to belong to me. I want her to be happy no matter whether I'm there or not. I just acted a twat for a few minutes and I wished she knew me for real. I feel sad. I'm not a sociopath. I just say silly schytt sometimes

[quite.foolish]

I do appreciate you guys giving me advice. It's sinking in.. I'm just in a rut right now, with nothing much to do or think about, besides the past. I might go out for a while today..

 

Soon as this new job starts it should get much better. I can save some money, get in shape, go back to school and socialise much more.

 

I guess that's the recipe I'm getting really, on how to make things better. It's just getting some money together to do the rest.

 

I won't be going anywhere near her. I vent, I pretend I would hurt her, but I couldn't. No way

 

I feel terrible for making her think I could.

 

Truth is, I said a couple nasty things to her when I was angry, I sent a couple jealous messages to her ex-boyfriends.. the rest of it is forgivable, I should think. Over messaging and going to her house a few times after I've been sleeping in her bed, I don't really see the problem in that.

 

I just thought I meant enough to her to forgive me for a few stupid angry words which cearly aren't true and a couple of jealous messages to her ex. I thought I meant more than her ignoring my apologies..

 

It's just confusing, how I could love her so much, she could seem to be such a good friend then BOOM, no love.. trar, take care

 

She's cold. I just pretend to be.

[quite.foolish]

She's powerful. Like no one you've met. Ever.

 

Beauty like that kills with a look. Easily.

[beyond]

Stop.

 

Listen to what has been said by Tara.

 

Take steps today to get professionel help.

 

If you had a bad leg and it kept getting worse, you would seek the help of a Dr - same with your thinking/feelings. They are making you unwell, so please get some help from outside of this forum.

 

xx

[quite.foolish]

I don't know what they can do.. I've been to four different mental health professionals and I can't explain it to the point they understand.

 

The thing is.. I'm not a danger to her. I'm not a danger to myself. It's depression, due to having nothing else to think about right now. I'm sure once I start this job it will gradually fade out of my mind and be nothing more than a bad memory.

 

At least, I hope.

[beyond]

A new job etc may help a little, but true depression (as opposed to feeling a 'bit down') takes counselling/medication or both. CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) may help - discuss it with your dr.

 

Don't just hope for the best, take steps to help yourself.

[TaraMaiden]

I don't know what they can do.. I've been to four different mental health professionals and I can't explain it to the point they understand.

 

The thing is.. I'm not a danger to her. I'm not a danger to myself. It's depression, due to having nothing else to think about right now. I'm sure once I start this job it will gradually fade out of my mind and be nothing more than a bad memory.

 

At least, I hope.

 

Go to a Doctor, request anti-depressants, but not ones which are addictive.

At the same time, get counselling.

I suspect it's not that you can't explain it to the point they understand.... I expect - as has been evident in your threads - your mind is jumping all over the place.

You need to keep it still enough to really LISTEN to what they would counsel you to do.

It's not that they don't understand. It's that you're not listening, and making attempts on your side to move on.

 

They're not the ones with the problem.

 

You are.

[quite.foolish]

ye, the problem is I said some stupid **** and now I regret it deeply.

 

They can't stop that. Anti-depressants don't help with that (I was on them for three months) the councellors have no idea how to see things through my eyes and really, the only problem that I can explain is.. I did something stupid and it's affected my future.

 

The only advice is, find a new path.

[TaraMaiden]

Find what new path?

Put your money where your mouth is.

 

Quit being negative and bemoaning your state, and insisting nobody understands, and that there's no hope.

Turn it around.

Have a plan - and implement it.

 

The more time you spend moaning and complaining, the longer you'll stay exactly where you are.

 

Actions, my friend, actions speak louder than words.

[sadsadsad]

As I walk, I count my steps..

 

Right Foot is one, Left Foot is two, three, four, five..

 

I get to one hundred steps and revert back to one. I then count to eight..

 

I revert back to one and count to one hundred.

 

OCD?lol

 

It's like there are six things going through my head at once. I can think of six situations simultaniously. I'll be walking, counting my steps, talking to her in my head in a number of situations. I'll be wondering what she's doing and I'll be angry at passer's by in the street. They see an angry person staring at the floor, crying walking alone.

 

I feel rage at anyone who walks by. I portray the wounds caused by her on to other people and I imagine hurting them. I give cold stares to anybody on a regular basis. Men, women, children.

 

I imagine screaming at them. Grabbing them. I walk around with a cold expression. Often times when I'm talking to a person, if they look away from me for a split second, I'll allow my rage to build, I'll bite down hard against my own teeth and imagine the damage I would do with an unexpected punch to the face. Then as they look back I'm smiling and nodding along, pretending I'm listening to them, laughing with them.

 

I feel angry all the time. The slightest tone of voice change and I flip. I shout aggressively. Sometimes I bottle it up and the rage builds. I feel compelled to throw punches or throttle someone's throat.

 

I want to see her cry. I can not take people ignoring me. I can't believe she has ignored me like that. Had me thrown in the cage. I'm joking along with the police officers, all along I'm feeling sheer anger inside at the fact she has done this. They ask me if I've ever contemplated suicide, I shake my head, laughing, "no way aha" while in my mind I see pictures of myself hanging from the ceiling. I'm sitting alone in the cell, imagining the ways to hurt her. Envisioning it all along. I begin shadow boxing. Alone in the cell. I want to punch my way through the walls. I know only my hand will break. I hold this compulsion.

 

When I hear them coming to unlock the door, I jump up in silence, stand 3 feet from the door, hands behind my back, standing tall with a blank expression, as if I've been standing still for 8 hours, waiting for them to open the door.

 

I put fear in to people. I'm not a big guy, I'm not particularly fit or strong, but people know what's inside me. They know something isn't right. I've scared a lot of people with the expression on my face, the cold stare in my eye, the horrible murderous grin I can so easily hold, feeling no emotion, hearing no words spoken to me. I like to hurt people, I like to hurt them emotionally.

 

I often think in great detail how someone would react to me acting the way I want to. I imagine myself holding her by the face, squeezing asking her "Do you think you're going to take that from me? The thing I want most? If you won't give to me what I want from you, I'm going to take it.. Now apologise for hurting me" "you touch that phone I'm breaking your arm" "cry, right now. Tell me you love me"

 

I couldn't do these things. At least I don't think I could. Not quite as bad as that. Not that bad. I can throw punches to people's face and laugh. I can continue punching them on the ground, kicking their face. I know I can hurt people. It wouldn't be difficult. I feel no remorse for that.

 

Could I completely destroy someone's life? I don't know. Do I imagine it on a constant basis? yes.

 

Do I feel bad for upsetting her, scaring her? no do I wish she was still here to hang out with? yes.

 

I don't feel bad for what I've done. I've had pistols put to my head and felt no emotion. I've watched people get beaten to the ground, no emotion. I've been beaten to the ground with a wrench, woken up to see my own blood pouring to the ground, him standing over me asking if I want some more. No emotion.

 

The only emotion I feel is anger. Anger when I can't control what I want. I laugh at the right time, but I don't feel good. It hurts my jaw and my stomach. I say nice things, but I don't believe them. I don't mean them. They're only to make her want to wake up next to me.

 

When I wake up first, I would watch her sleep for a while. Imagining how easy it would be to end her right there and then. No scream, no banging, no struggling, no motive, no reason. No conscience.

 

I cry because she isn't here. Not because I didn't want to hurt her.

 

I wanted her to be MY TOY. Nobody else's. I've blown it. The prettiest girl in the world and I go and WRECK IT.

 

"Oh yea, by the way.. I told you friend I want to **** her. Then I told her I want to marry her. I arranged a date with another girl a few days ago, I didn't go because you said I could sleep over"

 

"Oh.. Your exam is in a couple of hours? I *completely* forgot":love:

 

I wanted to hurt her. I just didn't wait long enough. I was too eager to hurt her. I could have used her for longer. I could have had her child in love with me, so easily, I could have hurt them both. I wrecked it.

 

I completely screwed up my own plan. I was supposed to hurt her more than that. She only cried a few times. I only got to see it once

 

I wanted her to feel the pain that's inside me. Instead I was too eager. I should have waited. It all went to pot. Instead she was left with the real me. The person who knocks a single mother's door late at night, standing perfectly still with a grin on my face. Just staring. Smiling.

 

The kind who sends nothing but a smiley face, when instead of opening the door, she looks out, realises it the guy who talks about the devil inside him, who threatened to kill her, locks the door and hurrys upstairs..

 

All she receives is.. ":)"

 

I'm standing there talkign to her on her doorstep. Pretending to cry along with her while she' telling me how upset she is. I'm apologising, all along staring at her face, deep in to her eyes, imagining how oh so easy it would be to just grab her by he throat and close the door behind me.

 

But, I wait. I hope I can make her trust me again. I want her to invite me in to her house. Just like the first time I looked in her eyes and fantasized over ending her life.. "Are you sure about this?" "yeee, come in! come in!" "well, ok.. If I must :)"

 

Any time she turns her back I take a step towards her, visioning myself grabbing her and choking her. Then I think "No, not yet". We're 'play' fighting, I pin her down. She asks for some reason or another "would you kill me?" I stare her clean in the eye, for about fifteen seconds, to inches from her face, her pinned to the ground.. She doesn't know what's going through my head, how much I want to grab her throat and stop her life. I shake my head.. She seems relieved..

 

The sex, I won't get in to. She thought I loved her, she thought I was gentle. She didn't know what was going through my head when my hand was wrapped tight around her throat. She didn't understand the restraint that took, the will power it took to not stop her breathing.

 

We're alone in the house. There's no scream. It was an unfortunate accident. You should have been more careful. But not yet.

 

Now it's too late. I showed her what's inside. She can't trust me again, she can't trust me around her child. She can't trust me to sleep next to her. She can't even look at me. She knows what's inside. In some ways I'm glad she knows. It would have happened. There was too much rage. Her tone of voice was never quite right. She needed to know when to shut her mouth, not play around.

 

She knows what's inside. As do her friends and relatives. I go anywhere near her, I'm going to jail. Do I want to end her life? yes. Am I going to? no.

 

 

Never thought i would say this here, the place for broken hearted people, but i'm glad she broke up with you, better for her... sick basterd..

[quite.foolish]

I appreciate you taking the time to read that and give your opinion.

 

Not much of what you read is true. I adored her.

 

I'm not that sick. I get angry and say some stupid things sometimes.. I couldn't leave lasting damage in anybody's life though.

 

Not really. I just watched too many films, read too many books and played too many games with an unpleasant ending. It's easy to reenact them.

 

I hate myself for upsetting her.

[sadsadsad]

Hope she'll never read any of this. You're upsetting a lot of readers. You're free to think whatever you want, but when typing this stuff you should upset yourself.

There is a chance you'll still feel like you do now on 01-01-2019.

[quite.foolish]

Hope she'll never read any of this. You're upsetting a lot of readers. You're free to think whatever you want, but when typing this stuff you should upset yourself.

 

 

There is a chance you'll still feel like you do now on 01-01-2019.

 

 

Please tell me you don't honestly think this feeling will last for that long!

 

It is upsetting. I hate that I have angry thoughts about her. The only thing she did that hurt me was stop talking to me, and that was my fault. I don't know what it is.

 

She has a million people to hang out with. Everybody wants to know her. A million things to do. She's that important to people. I don't think she'd ever read anything written on here.

 

She wouldn't care anyway. She'd find it funny that my life is ruled by thoughts of her. So long as I don't go near her. massive ego trip.

[Mcnulty]

Is this not all about your ego?

 

All she ever did was stop talking to you...happened to us all on here mate, we try to deal with it, you need to do this also.