Junkshakemail Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 First of all, I want to make clear everyone I am a very open minded guy and respect every person and their beliefs. I dont believe in god or any religious faiths. She is a Muslim. I have been dating this girl on and off for the past 6 years. We have gotten back and its got really serious that we r planning to get engaged. I knew this topic would eventually come up so I made the move to ask her on her views of wearing it (she currently wears it) I find the hijab oppressing to women (I dont want lecture pls) so I told her I am completely ok with her practicing islam and following it but I cant take the hijab and she is very firm on wearing it. I tried to reason with her but she just wont listen, she wanted me to stop eating porn and I did for her.. I reasoned with her and she is very stubborn on wearing it. J compromised by saying that she could wear it during family events or when we visit our home country...but she Doesnt want to do that either . Any idea on how to get over this problem... I dont want to loose her Any help is appreciated
CptSaveAho Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 time to find a new girl.... guys need to ask themselves when thinking about getting engaged/married "Whats in it for me?" I dont see anything in it for you.... you bend to make her happy but she doesnt do the same This is a case of someone trying to put a square peg in a round hole with a sledge hammer. it hasnt worked the past 6 years but you continue to hold on to it pretending it will Stand up for yourself
Keenly Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 You stopped eating porn ? Haha. No in all seriousness anyone who demands that you change your behavior, or demand that you do something that you are not cool with , that person is definitely going to get worse later on when it comes to control. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 I'm afraid you two have incompatible values/lifestyles. You have compromised and stopped eating pork, etc., but what more are you willing to give away to stay with her? Soon enough she'll be asking you to go to the Mosque on Fridays, or pray 5 times a day "or else." Unless you are willing to put up with a lifetime of that sort of disagreement/fights/discomfort and not be true to yourself and your needs and values, then go ahead and stay with her despite the fact that she won't give in on this... otherwise, find someone else.
NoMoreJerks Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 You stopped eating porn ? Haha. That was the first thing that caught my attention also. Freudian slip?
edgygirl Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 (edited) I see you're both from the same country. Is your family originally Muslim as well although you don't believe in the faith? What is your family's religious background? I think that's why I'm single. I am trying to find someone in my religion but who is not that religious so we won't have issues like these. Can you imagine the nightmare of deciding how to educate the children? Complicated. Have you guys discussed those kind of things (children, families, etc)? Better to know sooner than later how her expectations regarding everything match with yours. I think it's a mistake to try and change someone. They will always resent you even if they do change for you. Edited December 27, 2012 by edgygirl 1
Author Junkshakemail Posted December 27, 2012 Author Posted December 27, 2012 Yes I was born muslim but chose to leave it. You guys might be true, im trying really hard to make this work cause I want to but it might not work out since of our life styles. I respect the fact that she cant eat pork and im giving it up. She is just being too stubborn
edgygirl Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 (edited) Yes I was born muslim but chose to leave it. You guys might be true, im trying really hard to make this work cause I want to but it might not work out since of our life styles. I respect the fact that she cant eat pork and im giving it up. She is just being too stubborn I don't think she is being stubborn. It's not about you, it's about her beliefs. With all respect, I have a feeling you are being stubborn trying to force on her your point of view on how she should behave. It sounds that the problem is not that the hijab is oppressive for women, but that you don't want your future wife wearing it for whatever reason (maybe you don't want your social circle to see her wearing it as you don't believe in it or so). While it's essential to adapt to our partners, there are deep beliefs that should not be changed only because a partner wants us to. She probably asked you to stop eating pork as she wants her future house to be halal, and not interfere with her religious practices. But you are interfering with her beliefs. I am sure that because you were raised Muslim as well, you can at least understand why she wants to wear it, what her upbringing was like, which facilitates things. I know it is hard, but I wish you guys can talk about those things and find common ground and maybe accept each other the way you are and change small things where possible. If it's too hard for her to give it up, maybe you should find a way to adapt to her instead of having her adapt to you? After all, her religion seems important to her. It's hard enough to find someone we love, and if you did, try to be compassionate about her beliefs and to accept her. Edited December 27, 2012 by edgygirl 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 I agree that this is about her beliefs and you need to respect those. Perhaps she follows this practice because she believes in maintaining a certain degree of modesty and feels good about that - not because she feels oppressed in a negative way. Have you asked her what it means to her to wear it? I suggest you try approaching her with true curiosity about her beliefs, rather than judgment because you are uncomfortable. Don't assume you know why she's making this choice. Listen to what she says. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 (edited) My exboyfriend was muslim and unfortunately his religion did became one of the issues that broke us up. I can only say that, it's impossible to date someone from a muslim background without sharing their same culture values and beliefs. Whether you are a revert, or borne-muslim, everything will eventually come down to you fully being incorporated into their beliefs. If she wants to wear a hijab that's her right to do so. You have to respect that. Edited December 27, 2012 by xpaperxcutx
movingon12 Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 My husband's muslim and I'm not. He doesn't eat pork (I do), he prays and goes to the mosque etc, but I don't. At the end of the day, that's who he is and as long as he doesn't expect me to follow the same belief system (which he doesn't) I live with it. As for your case: I think you've either got to break up or agree to each live by your own beliefs. If you want to eat pork, do it. If she want's to wear a headscarf, I think you have to let her - it's her head after all. A bigger problem you need to consider would be how to raise children. My husband and I talked about this before I got pregnant and I was very firm that our baby would not be raised to be religious - but would encouraged to make his own decision about his beliefs when he gets to 16 (and is old enough to make a logical, rational, informed decision based on all the evidence available). Hubby was happy enough with that. His biggest priority is that our baby grows up to love football and reggae If you're in this for the long haul with your gf, this is something you need to consider - if she's determined to wear a headscarf, is she going to insist your kids are raised as strict muslims - and would you be ok with that?
Recommended Posts