I got a text

[Hopeful714]

For those of you that know me my BU was 4 mos ago w/ very little contact to follow. There was cheating and lying through out the 15 month relationship. Everything just basically fell apart with no real ending, closure or anything. I just couldn't talk to him, and I don't think he wanted to come clean. It was a "cowards" ending. Short version....but you get the picture. I took it pretty hard. Very hard actually, but I remained no contact and was just turning the corner in my healing.

 

Christmas night I received a text from him that I didn't see till this afternoon.

Here's exactly what it said:

 

"Been thinking a lot of you the past couple days just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and I hope this message finds you well."

 

So what is this? Guilt? Breadcrumbs? Fishing for a sucker? Or is it possibly a genuine holiday wish? How can one even tell?

 

I can't/won't go back. But I'm not yet completely over him. I don't want a FWB. But I admit I wouldn't mind an adult conversation with him if that is at all possible. But I would never ask. It would have to be him to initiate. I don't want to be in the "friend" zone either....cuz he ain't no friend. We did share a lot of time together. There are memories, I WAS good to him ....and he knows that.

 

I want to do the most proper, respectful thing. But also, I don't want to give an ego boost or have him think that what he did to me was ok and have him think the slate is clean....because its not.

 

Do I answer? My thoughts were just sending.."Thanks, happy holiday's to you and your family." I would send it tomorrow evening. I'm not sure if sending nothing is the right thing to do.

 

Its kinda disturbing that he would even text me at this point....I NEVER expected this and am wary on how to proceed. Any and all advice welcome. Thx.

[Svet74]

Don't reply

Especially if you still want him back

 

Let him feel a taste of his own medicine

[2sunny]

He didn't ask for any response... So don't do a thing.

[TaraMaiden]

Read the No Contact Guide link in my signature.

Breadcrumbs.

Definitely breadcrumbs.

Nothing more.

 

Pick nothing up and do not run with this one....

[tori0001]

I'm of the adage, it's rude not to answer. I think it's ok to at least wish him happy holidays and wish him well. I would hope one would be polite to me if I ever sent a happy holidays to an ex, which I never have, but if I did.

[Hopeful714]

That is my dilemma. I dont want to appear rude.

 

But then again....what is the sense of contact?

 

Then again tis the season...and an olive branch (breadcrumbs) have been tossed.

 

Confused. If I sent something really generic...is it all that bad?

[cavalier99]

That is my dilemma. I dont want to appear rude.

 

But then again....what is the sense of contact?

 

Then again tis the season...and an olive branch (breadcrumbs) have been tossed.

 

Confused. If I sent something really generic...is it all that bad?

 

It is bad enough that you received something. Why make it worse by responding?

 

You were dumped and thrown out like the trash. Why worry about responding. I say respond only if you say F-Off and i wouldn't even advise this. Silence is what is needed.

Edited December 27, 2012 by cavalier99

[Hopeful714]

I will listen to all comments and not make a hasty decision. I will decide what to do by tomorrow eve.

 

If I text it will be: "a blessed holiday season to you and your family"

 

I wish the text never came. It feels hurtful not to answer...although he hurt me badly. Not sure if an "eye" for an "eye" always applies.

 

I know hes hurting at this time of year. His dad committed suicide around this time 2 years ago. I was with him last year at this time and helped him through the 1st anniversary.

 

He's a messed up dude...but still...it doesn't give someone license to hurt someone else and be careless with someones feelings.

[cavalier99]

I will listen to all comments and not make a hasty decision. I will decide what to do by tomorrow eve.

 

If I text it will be: "a blessed holiday season to you and your family"

 

I wish the text never came. It feels hurtful not to answer...although he hurt me badly. Not sure if an "eye" for an "eye" always applies.

 

I know hes hurting at this time of year. His dad committed suicide around this time 2 years ago. I was with him last year at this time and helped him through the 1st anniversary.

 

He's a messed up dude...but still...it doesn't give someone license to hurt someone else and be careless with someones feelings.

 

Just to put this in perspective. I forgot to respond to a Happy Holiday text from some of my best friends. They couldn't care less and will not be offended at all..nor am i torn up about not responding. This person causes you pain just by contacting you..and it will produce more pain responding. You need to take care of yourself irregardless of his situation. It isn't your concern anymore.

 

Just my thoughts. Either way think of yourself first whatever you decide.

Good luck.

[Svet74]

there is nothing rude about not replying.

 

make him feel worse about himself

 

if you do reply he will think you still care

[Simon Phoenix]

Replying would be absolutely pointless and is way more likely to cause you pain and stress. If that makes you "rude", then so be it. Plus, why would you care if a guy who put you through that kind of pain considers you rude? Why would you try to cowtow toward someone who has drug you through the dirt? Don't get sucked into pain by trying to project an image towards someone who doesn't care enough about you to maintain a relationship with you.

[Missing Him]

I think you just have to ask yourself how you'll feel after you either respond or don't respond. Don't worry about how he'll feel or what you're 'supposed' to do. If you'll feel better about yourself and the situation by replying, then do it. If you'll feel worse, then don't.

[Allumere]

Look, if you want to respond, its fine IMHO. There is no issue with saying Thanks or happy holidays or whatever. It doesnt mean all is forgiven or forgotten. It doesnt mean you have to run back to him or respond to follow-up text if he is so inclined (in fact you may want to block his number for abit just in case..it is the holidays and its a hard time fro everyone). It is a polite response to someone you shared your life and time with for awhile. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now if you feel this will hurt you or leave you wanting for weeks then its not something you are ready to do...that is your call.

[Hopeful714]

Venting,,,,,

 

So I went with the minority opinion and I sent the text yesterday. It was very generic as I said it would be. I felt it was the "bigger" thing to do ONLY because of Christmas. I do not have regrets. I am pretty upset, but I would have been regardless if I replied or not.

 

What I am VERY upset about, is how I could have NC with someone for quite some time, and how I was just beginning to feel better and this person out of the blue decides to send a text which obviously had selfish motives behind it.

 

Be it guilt, breadcrumbs, seeing if I was still "on the hook", feeling sorry for himself or whatever.....for him to disrupt my Christmas like that is pretty damn crappy. Did he really think he was doing a "good" deed and that this would make me feel good? Seriously, how can someone bust up someone's heart and then come back like a vulcher (around the holiday yet) to assess the wreckage and reopen old wounds? Do these people plan this out??? What is really the motives behind this?

 

Anyhow, back to NC. I don't expect any more "correspondence" and plan to continue to keep moving on.....but dang...really? People are messed up....big tyme.

[Simon Phoenix]

Venting,,,,,

 

So I went with the minority opinion and I sent the text yesterday. It was very generic as I said it would be. I felt it was the "bigger" thing to do ONLY because of Christmas. I do not have regrets. I am pretty upset, but I would have been regardless if I replied or not.

 

What I am VERY upset about, is how I could have NC with someone for quite some time, and how I was just beginning to feel better and this person out of the blue decides to send a text which obviously had selfish motives behind it.

 

Be it guilt, breadcrumbs, seeing if I was still "on the hook", feeling sorry for himself or whatever.....for him to disrupt my Christmas like that is pretty damn crappy. Did he really think he was doing a "good" deed and that this would make me feel good? Seriously, how can someone bust up someone's heart and then come back like a vulcher (around the holiday yet) to assess the wreckage and reopen old wounds? Do these people plan this out??? What is really the motives behind this?

 

Anyhow, back to NC. I don't expect any more "correspondence" and plan to continue to keep moving on.....but dang...really? People are messed up....big tyme.

 

The sooner you realize that trying to figure out their motives is pointless the better you'll be.

[LostOne1]

The sooner you realize that trying to figure out their motives is pointless the better you'll be.

I agree. But man.. maybe she will learn on her own the hard way like I did...

 

you can only help someone so much and then they need to follow a path of their own choice.

 

Sometimes I think people need to learn the hard way. Otherwise they don't understand the feedback they get.

 

In my case maybe I could've followed NC like you all said.. but I wouldn't understand WHY I was doing it and how. Now going through it the hard way.. I understand it clearly now and sure I learned the hard way, but it probably was for the best.

 

I think it will be for her too.

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree. But man.. maybe she will learn on her own the hard way like I did...

 

you can only help someone so much and then they need to follow a path of their own choice.

 

Sometimes I think people need to learn the hard way. Otherwise they don't understand the feedback they get.

 

In my case maybe I could've followed NC like you all said.. but I wouldn't understand WHY I was doing it and how. Now going through it the hard way.. I understand it clearly now and sure I learned the hard way, but it probably was for the best.

 

I think it will be for her too.

 

I learned the hard way in the past because I didn't have websites like this I could reference. I don't think it's necessary to have to put your hand in the fire when you have several people telling you what will happen, but that's just me.

[cavalier99]

Venting,,,,,

 

So I went with the minority opinion and I sent the text yesterday. It was very generic as I said it would be. I felt it was the "bigger" thing to do ONLY because of Christmas. I do not have regrets. I am pretty upset, but I would have been regardless if I replied or not.

 

What I am VERY upset about, is how I could have NC with someone for quite some time, and how I was just beginning to feel better and this person out of the blue decides to send a text which obviously had selfish motives behind it.

 

Be it guilt, breadcrumbs, seeing if I was still "on the hook", feeling sorry for himself or whatever.....for him to disrupt my Christmas like that is pretty damn crappy. Did he really think he was doing a "good" deed and that this would make me feel good? Seriously, how can someone bust up someone's heart and then come back like a vulcher (around the holiday yet) to assess the wreckage and reopen old wounds? Do these people plan this out??? What is really the motives behind this?

 

Anyhow, back to NC. I don't expect any more "correspondence" and plan to continue to keep moving on.....but dang...really? People are messed up....big tyme.

 

Well his text really didn't say anything bad. Just "was thinking of you and merry x mas"

 

I'm sure he was. It is our responsibility to block them or not even read into these things. I told my ex not to contact even if she was dying and had cancer. Didn't stop her from emailing me 3 months later saying she still thinks fondly of me, misses me and my dog and would like to talk some day. It is how they are wired. They are recovered and don't understand our mental state.

[TaraMaiden]

Actually, it's not that they don't understand - they just consider themselves to be more important in what they want, at that moment, than what you want.

 

 

It's selfish, but true.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well his text really didn't say anything bad. Just "was thinking of you and merry x mas"

 

I'm sure he was. It is our responsibility to block them or not even read into these things. I told my ex not to contact even if she was dying and had cancer. Didn't stop her from emailing me 3 months later saying she still thinks fondly of me, misses me and my dog and would like to talk some day. It is how they are wired. They are recovered and don't understand our mental state.

 

Exactly. He's not doing this to f--k with her necessarily, he probably genuinely thinks he's being nice. She can't handle that right now (understandably), so she has to separate herself from it and not get sucked into it.

[cavalier99]

Actually, it's not that they don't understand - they just consider themselves to be more important in what they want, at that moment, than what you want.

 

 

It's selfish, but true.

 

Well some of us secretly want contact and then realize we don't. So..maybe...they are giving us exactly what we want but not what we need. Or.... maybe we do need this contact to be able to overcome it and have the strength not to respond and this is the universe balancing it all out

 

... whoaaah got to slow dow on the reefer lol

[96 assorted]

well,

 

i don't know

Edited December 29, 2012 by 96 assorted

[Hopeful714]

Im a little surprised at some of your comments. I was doing my part by minding my own business, not doing any snooping on him and basically just trying to carry on maintaining NC.

 

Many people are "lucky" on here to have their relationship end when their OP says "it over" or I want to move on, or they DO get contact after the BU that they know they need to stop. I was basically discarded. The ending was bad and the actual "wake up" of realizing how deceived I was sent me into quite a tail spin to say the least that rocked my foundation, shattered my self esteem and made me question much about human nature and ask the questions of why/how people can be so cold. I spent tons of time with this person then bam.....it all just stopped.

 

People are different, have different maturity levels. At this point in my life I know I would BU with someone differently then what was done to me. My ex was a coward, a bit younger then I, immature still, does not have the life experience nor the heart to know that his actions affect others dramatically. He wanted his cake and eat it too. If he wanted a relationship that was not exclusive, then I should have been informed of this so that I had a choice to either continue on with him or get out.

 

I'm sure he does feel bad. And that's why he sent the text. Upsetting as it is/was, I suppose it is comforting to know that at least I was "thought of" and it does bring more closure.

 

I could have responded in a fashion to say I was thinking of him...which I was of course....but I didn't. I could have not responded at all but then I felt it would appear that I was still hurting and angry. At Christmas time I just felt this was not the thing to do. I felt I did the proper thing. I let him go. I wished him well. My text was "may you and your family enjoy a truly blessed holiday season." It was generic. It was true to myself so that someday, as time goes on, at least I will be remembered for the kind hearted person I am and not some nasty cu*t who caused him problems or issues....which many girls would have. He has no idea how crushed I was, how I am doing, if Im seeing anyone etc....he still knows nothing.

 

Some of the times I spent with him were the best I experienced in a long time. If I am able to find something like that again I will be lucky. But then again, some of the times were the absolute worst of my life. Many of the things he said and did will NEVER be forgotten and will be used as learning tools when I date in the future.

 

Its a chapter in my life that is now closed. I'm still hurting. Still trying to find my way onto my next adventure. Cut me some slack. I feel I did the right thing.

[Hopeful714]

Furthermore...he's a young man at a crossroad. Abused by a dad who succumbed to his mental illness and blew his brains out 2 years ago around the holiday. He is finding his way now...and this will entail decisions on how to live/treat people etc. Everything I endured from him was surely "taught" in his family. He has a chance now to change those ways if he so desires. I suppose that is a long hard journey that is unlikely, but that is his concern...not mine.

 

Yea, I know. I never should have got involved in this. But too late for that. Part of our bond was that I endured a major trauma in my family life too. I turned out ok..better than most some would say ...and I think it was good for him to see that and learn from it.

 

Sometimes people are brought together for a purpose and I suppose this was it. The lesson taught to him from me was to be honest and mindful of others regardless of what has happened to you. You CAN overcome a past. Who knows if he learned anything at all. Who cares. My lesson learned was about setting boundaries with loved ones and not letting others cross them. Even if that means walking away. But many women do stay....I just couldn't be one of them, Ive worked too hard, came too far, want more out of life, deserve better.

 

Sorry to rant...I just have a feeling its going to be a wknd of vomiting all this leftover crap so I can continue to move on for the new year.

[NoMoreJerks]

Im a little surprised at some of your comments. I was doing my part by minding my own business, not doing any snooping on him and basically just trying to carry on maintaining NC.

 

Many people are "lucky" on here to have their relationship end when their OP says "it over" or I want to move on, or they DO get contact after the BU that they know they need to stop. I was basically discarded. The ending was bad and the actual "wake up" of realizing how deceived I was sent me into quite a tail spin to say the least that rocked my foundation, shattered my self esteem and made me question much about human nature and ask the questions of why/how people can be so cold. I spent tons of time with this person then bam.....it all just stopped.

 

People are different, have different maturity levels. At this point in my life I know I would BU with someone differently then what was done to me. My ex was a coward, a bit younger then I, immature still, does not have the life experience nor the heart to know that his actions affect others dramatically. He wanted his cake and eat it too. If he wanted a relationship that was not exclusive, then I should have been informed of this so that I had a choice to either continue on with him or get out.

 

I'm sure he does feel bad. And that's why he sent the text. Upsetting as it is/was, I suppose it is comforting to know that at least I was "thought of" and it does bring more closure.

 

I could have responded in a fashion to say I was thinking of him...which I was of course....but I didn't. I could have not responded at all but then I felt it would appear that I was still hurting and angry. At Christmas time I just felt this was not the thing to do. I felt I did the proper thing. I let him go. I wished him well. My text was "may you and your family enjoy a truly blessed holiday season." It was generic. It was true to myself so that someday, as time goes on, at least I will be remembered for the kind hearted person I am and not some nasty cu*t who caused him problems or issues....which many girls would have. He has no idea how crushed I was, how I am doing, if Im seeing anyone etc....he still knows nothing.

 

Some of the times I spent with him were the best I experienced in a long time. If I am able to find something like that again I will be lucky. But then again, some of the times were the absolute worst of my life. Many of the things he said and did will NEVER be forgotten and will be used as learning tools when I date in the future.

 

Its a chapter in my life that is now closed. I'm still hurting. Still trying to find my way onto my next adventure. Cut me some slack. I feel I did the right thing.

Wow. This was SO me. I was dumped, but no matter how hurt I was, I couldn't bear being a nasty person and say mean things. I knew it was over, and I wished him all the best, hoping that some day he will remember me as a good woman, who genuinely loved him, unlike many of the women in his life who treated him like **** (according to him anyway). I don't know what he's feeling now, or if he cares that I was so nice to him even though he dumped me. But it doesn't matter -- I was just being true to myself, not doing some sort of manipulation to get him back. I know it's over, though it's hard to accept it. I had some of the best and worst times of my life with him, and I am undecided as to whether or not I want to remember those times (good and bad), or just forget them. Maybe it's because the wound is still fresh, maybe that's why I care. Maybe the memories will not hurt so much over time, and will just be something I look at fondly. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. I did learn some lessons from this experience, about boundaries in particular, but sometimes I wonder if I also learned some wrong lessons (I keep wondering if I did things to turn him off, if I was too needy, too clingy, etc.). I don't know if I was too needy or if he just wasn't satisfying me needs and if he wasn't treating me like an average bf , who is genuinely interested in his gf , would.. (it was my first relationship) Maybe I wasn't overly needy -- maybe it was just that my needs weren't satisfied at all, because he never cared about me the same way I cared about him. I think that's the case, but I sometimes keep wondering if it's not, if something is wrong with ME. I never got that sort of closure/understanding, so I don't know if I will make new mistakes in a future relationship. Being dumped for no good reason (for example: he hadn't met someone new, as far as I know) really makes you want to tread more carefully in your next relationship and maybe that itself will create problems as well... I don't know. Just feeling so lost and down..