april38 Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 Quick background: i had a A with a MM, (it started a year and a half ago) we felt we were in love, that once in a lifetime if your lucky kind of love, he even left his wife and filled for separation, but couldn't handle the pain of the family division with his kids and went back. We tried to stay away from each other, but couldn't, restarted the A for a few more months, I Couldn't handle to crumbs of attention and told him it was over. Went NC on Dec 1, and struggling every day. Yesterday after 25 days NC I ran into him at work....I told him that Im angry with him, that I'm in pain every day because of our loss, and we have no choice but to say goodbye forever. We hugged and parted ways. (Great not I'm back at square one...consumed with every word spoken, left feeling vulnerable, and sad) How do I stop wanting him? I read some very good advice from another thread that said, once you really do want the affair to end, then you will start moving on. Well there's an excellent point made here because its implying that even if you end the affair (which I have), go NC (Which I have) , and do all the healthy things you're supposed to do to move forward, you still won't move forward unless you really want to in your heart, which up until now, I haven't truly wanted. I've been hoping (subconsciously) that my strength and behavior would make him come back to me, even though my conscious tells me Im better off without him, he has a tremendous amount of baggage, hes not leaving her again for me, I'm a catch, many men want to go out with me, but I can't seem to move on and accept the truth. I'm like a child inside kicking and screaming because I didn't get my way, and just continue to run through my thoughts round an round in my head like a broken record, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere in my recovery. I go through this familiar cycle of rational and irrational thought and sometimes reasonable and understanding, then dreamy and passionate, then disbelief and grief, and round and round again, but still here I am, alone in my thoughts of love for him, and can't seem to move on. HELP!! I feel like Im going insane because I can't seem to let go. Ending an affair is different than breaking up with someone who you are legitimately dating. When you break up/divorce someone there are usually irreconcilable differences that cause you to want out, or if you get dumped, they don't want you anymore, and you have to accept that. But when you end an affair, it's not because you don't like each other anymore, it's because the love is forbidden, and you don't really want to end it, but you know you have to. So how do you go from "have to" to "want to" so that you can move on? Thanks for listening, please share your thoughts, stories, success stories, whatever you have....please share. I'm tired of feeling so alone, and need a sense of community and support to get through this.
LostSoulTrain Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 I feel for you. I am going through something similar. She does not want to leave her marriage so I ended it. We broke up several times in the past. Based on my experience, those times I left knowing it was right thing to do and when I was angry at her it was much easier. Yet, there were times when she left me and I stayed NC but it hurt. Right now she had no excuse for not leaving him, yet she said she is scared and not ready to do it. It hurts, particularly knowing that this time she is respecting my wish for NC. It was lot easier to move on in the past when she would call or text. Ignoring her gave me strength to heal. Guess it was ego boost.
KathyM Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 You stop wanting him by telling yourself, over and over again until you start believing it, that you deserve to be happy, and that is not possible with this man. You cannot have a real relationship with him, and sharing him with his wife and their kids is something you're not willing to do anymore, because you deserve a real relationship, where the man can invest fully in you and him. When you decide you deserve more than him, and a relationship that is based on honesty, then is when you will allow yourself to be open to a relationship with someone else. After you stop investing your hopes in a doomed relationship and come to the understanding that it will be nothing more than that, then you will be ready and open to finding a real relationship with a man who is fully available and not someone who is torn between his family and his feelings for you. 5
jwi71 Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 I do not agree with your assertion that your A ended because "external forces" acted and kept you two "meant to be together lovebirds" apart. Your A ended because he wanted it to. I can say this because people D everyday. And many have children. He didn't. You remember that. When it came time for him to choose he did - it just wasn't you. You were, I can and do conclude, a happy distraction. A fine young piece on the side who excelled at that. However, you were NOT "good" enough as a full time GF much less as a W. In HIS eyes. Because he went back. People D every day, some A's even turn into happy M's - there are some on this very forum. How do you move on? Move on by knowing it wasn't fate that kept you apart. It was his CHOICE. He knows he had a future(a potential future anyway) with you - he just didn't want it. And he uses the "I can't leave my family excuse" our of a combination of cowardice and convenience. Because, as it stands, he still had a shot at a late night romp on the conference table with you (prolly not if he says "I don't want you - I'm going back to my family"). Read it. And again. It's simply the truth. He didn't want want you. And it was HIS choice - no one but HIM can or could have made it. Now go find a man who chooses otherwise... 11
MissBee Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 Hi april, I think it's a bit of a romantic tragedy type spin when people say the affair ended because it was forbidden and not because you wanted it to. Yes you don't want it to end....but the reality is, we all have choices, and while the number isn't in the majority, there are folks, even here, who have been in an A and then choose to leave their marriage and be with their AP legitimately. It's not about fairytales and impossibilities, but choices. That said, your relationship did not end because it was forbidden...it ended because he (which is understandable) wants to preserve the status quo rather than make changes. What would help me heal is to not look at it like star-crossed lovers, but as, it's not meant to be, since this person won't/can't choose me. That's what I would focus on. Think of it as, I love him and he loves me, but that's not enough, so something better must be out there! That outlook normally helps me to start letting go. I totally understand the kicking and screaming because you don't get your way. In other areas of life this used to happen to me and still does sometimes, but since my outlook on life in general is: what's meant for me, is meant for me, it helps me to let go of disappointments and open up myself to other opportunities versus being hell-bent on a particular thing panning out. And trust me...every disappointment, relationship wise as well as in other areas, ALWAYS turns out to be a blessing in disguise and something better always comes along which helped me to see why the previous situation didn't work out. 6
RickFox Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 An affair is not like a normal relationship, it's a perpetual first date, you're in love with being in love, it all seems perfect but it never was perfect. He was married with children and you were the side dish. As stated previously, he didn't choose you. My xmw didn't choose me either and in time, you will see that is the best thing that could have happened to you IF you choose to move on. You may never stop wanting him, but it's the fantasy you want, when you take off those rose colored glasses, you will start to move on and past him. 6
MissBee Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 RickFox, I thin the wanting the fantasy part is soo true, which is what makes it more difficult to let go for many. When you've been with someone in a full relationship, you usually have a more realistic picture of why it didn't work, based on an open experience. Although, sometimes when people breakup/get dumped, they start to over-romanticize the relationship and put it on a pedestal and set it up as so much rosier than it really was. I experienced that as well. However, it is often tenfold in an affair. I experienced that too. You're left with a fantasy of what could be, and naturally one blows up these hypothetical could be's, and the good times into the most romantic story never told. You can get lost in this story and become obsessed with this wish... It's best IME, to focus on the reality as you said. Think of it as a lame horse from the gate. It never had a real chance and if it did, it might not be as wonderful. Thinking of that reality makes it easier to move on versus putting it on a pedestal as the best romance ever, soul mates, etc. that were stopped by "forbidden love". 7
beyond Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 Quick background: i had a A with a MM, (it started a year and a half ago) we felt we were in love, that once in a lifetime if your lucky kind of love, he even left his wife and filled for separation, but couldn't handle the pain of the family division with his kids and went back. We tried to stay away from each other, but couldn't, restarted the A for a few more months, I Couldn't handle to crumbs of attention and told him it was over. Went NC on Dec 1, and struggling every day. Yesterday after 25 days NC I ran into him at work....I told him that Im angry with him, that I'm in pain every day because of our loss, and we have no choice but to say goodbye forever. We hugged and parted ways. (Great not I'm back at square one...consumed with every word spoken, left feeling vulnerable, and sad) How do I stop wanting him? I read some very good advice from another thread that said, once you really do want the affair to end, then you will start moving on. Well there's an excellent point made here because its implying that even if you end the affair (which I have), go NC (Which I have) , and do all the healthy things you're supposed to do to move forward, you still won't move forward unless you really want to in your heart, which up until now, I haven't truly wanted. I've been hoping (subconsciously) that my strength and behavior would make him come back to me, even though my conscious tells me Im better off without him, he has a tremendous amount of baggage, hes not leaving her again for me, I'm a catch, many men want to go out with me, but I can't seem to move on and accept the truth. I'm like a child inside kicking and screaming because I didn't get my way, and just continue to run through my thoughts round an round in my head like a broken record, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere in my recovery. I go through this familiar cycle of rational and irrational thought and sometimes reasonable and understanding, then dreamy and passionate, then disbelief and grief, and round and round again, but still here I am, alone in my thoughts of love for him, and can't seem to move on. HELP!! I feel like Im going insane because I can't seem to let go. Ending an affair is different than breaking up with someone who you are legitimately dating. When you break up/divorce someone there are usually irreconcilable differences that cause you to want out, or if you get dumped, they don't want you anymore, and you have to accept that. But when you end an affair, it's not because you don't like each other anymore, it's because the love is forbidden, and you don't really want to end it, but you know you have to. So how do you go from "have to" to "want to" so that you can move on? Thanks for listening, please share your thoughts, stories, success stories, whatever you have....please share. I'm tired of feeling so alone, and need a sense of community and support to get through this. I know I didn't start this thread, but sincere thanks to everyone who has contributed to it - it has really helped me at a vulnerable moment. My ex and I had dated before he married and was always 'the one that got away'. when we finally got back in touch he was married - we met to catch up and all the old feelings came flooding back. It was an emotional affair, although he pushed for a physical one. It's so easy to think 'oh he married the wrong person and wished he'd had children with me' (his words) and the fact he can't leave now because his own children are so small. But as someone here said, it's not that we are star crossed lovers forbidden to be together. He has chosen to stay where he is, citing his childrens happiness as his main priority (pretty hard to argue against that one!) but not eneough of a priority to stop him contacting me and wanting to meet up, and not enough of a priority to have stopped him having a physical affair with someone before me when his children were babies. NC is the way to go, for the RIGHT reasons - to heal yourself. I won't lie, I have slipped up a few times. I know he will always reply which makes it hard too. By me replying to his 'happy christmas' message, he was immediately calling me 'darling, baby' etc and asking when we could next meet. It's all so predictable. I do think I'm slowly finding my way through this, and hope the same for you April. If I was advising a friend I would say total NC is the way to go to heal the quickest, but I do know you have to reach that conclusion yourself. For me, it took me getting angry, very angry before I started to see things for what they really were instead of being beneath a hazy veil of 'amazing love'. 2
MissBee Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 It's so easy to think 'oh he married the wrong person and wished he'd had children with me' (his words) and the fact he can't leave now because his own children are so small. But as someone here said, it's not that we are star crossed lovers forbidden to be together. He has chosen to stay where he is, citing his childrens happiness as his main priority (pretty hard to argue against that one!) but not eneough of a priority to stop him contacting me and wanting to meet up, and not enough of a priority to have stopped him having a physical affair with someone before me when his children were babies. The bolded puts things into perspective doesn't it? It's like okay...you're good enough for a secret affair and all that jazz and the fantasies of wudda-cudda-shuddas and that won't affect his family/kids but of course, to make it real, nope, can't do it.
beyond Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 The bolded puts things into perspective doesn't it? It's like okay...you're good enough for a secret affair and all that jazz and the fantasies of wudda-cudda-shuddas and that won't affect his family/kids but of course, to make it real, nope, can't do it. It certainly does MissBee. He knows children are my weak spot, and plays on that. Funny though that at the beginning, when I said we couldn't get together because it would hurt his children, he argued that they were more unhappy being part of a loveless marriage and he was leaving 'soon' anyway ......now of course that didn't come to pass and whenever I asked about it, he tried to guilt me "you don't know what it's like, having to look at their little faces". Well stay then and leave me alone! Things have gradually revealed themselves to me - I've had two or three moments of complete clarity about the situation. The last one being when I insisted he stop contacting me. He carried on texting. The email about NC I had sent to his work address, I copied to his home address as he was texting me from his home. He carried on texting 'I will come and see you, I can't lose you my darling' etc. Then a day of silence and I thought he'd got the message. Instead, it turned out his wife had seen the email I sent to his personal email and he was furious with me!!! He calmed down but I'll never forget that his first reaction was to blame me entirely and cover his back. I had this view that I 'knew' him so well, like noone else, because of what we had before. Now I've come to realise that the intervening years have changed him. I still can't say I don't love him, maybe I always will in some way, but that love is slowly but surely getting chipped away. 1
MissBee Posted December 27, 2012 Posted December 27, 2012 It certainly does MissBee. He knows children are my weak spot, and plays on that. Funny though that at the beginning, when I said we couldn't get together because it would hurt his children, he argued that they were more unhappy being part of a loveless marriage and he was leaving 'soon' anyway ......now of course that didn't come to pass and whenever I asked about it, he tried to guilt me "you don't know what it's like, having to look at their little faces". Well stay then and leave me alone! Things have gradually revealed themselves to me - I've had two or three moments of complete clarity about the situation. The last one being when I insisted he stop contacting me. He carried on texting. The email about NC I had sent to his work address, I copied to his home address as he was texting me from his home. He carried on texting 'I will come and see you, I can't lose you my darling' etc. Then a day of silence and I thought he'd got the message. Instead, it turned out his wife had seen the email I sent to his personal email and he was furious with me!!! He calmed down but I'll never forget that his first reaction was to blame me entirely and cover his back. I had this view that I 'knew' him so well, like noone else, because of what we had before. Now I've come to realise that the intervening years have changed him. I still can't say I don't love him, maybe I always will in some way, but that love is slowly but surely getting chipped away. This makes me sooooooooo angry! It's so self-centered and manipulative. Yepp...the whole lost love, reconnecting from the past thing is usually very unappealing to me. Usually it's a fantasy of what was: two star-crossed lovers, getting a fake second chance .\ Oh i've never stopped loving you but I was forced to marry another and now I am also forced to stay with them. No. I'm unimpressed. You lived all these years without them, continue your life. A REAL reconciled lost love is one where you're both at the right place at the right time in the present and are meeting each other as who you are today and not who you were at 15 years old or 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. Not where years have passed, they married and are still married and now you have to be in an affair smh. Ridic! Beyond, I hope you realize this love isn't enough and you don't allow him to continue getting his way while he treats you poorly. You deserve a lot more than that. 1
Author april38 Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Hey everyone, I've been on the road and haven't had time to write a quality response, but plan to tomorrow when I'm back home, but just wanted to say thank you to everyone, you all have provided useful feedback and I'm taking time to read and re read your comments. I feel like this is such a great support group, and finally I no longer feel alone and helpless in my situation. 2
beyond Posted December 28, 2012 Posted December 28, 2012 This makes me sooooooooo angry! It's so self-centered and manipulative. Yepp...the whole lost love, reconnecting from the past thing is usually very unappealing to me. Usually it's a fantasy of what was: two star-crossed lovers, getting a fake second chance .\ Oh i've never stopped loving you but I was forced to marry another and now I am also forced to stay with them. No. I'm unimpressed. You lived all these years without them, continue your life. A REAL reconciled lost love is one where you're both at the right place at the right time in the present and are meeting each other as who you are today and not who you were at 15 years old or 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. Not where years have passed, they married and are still married and now you have to be in an affair smh. Ridic! Beyond, I hope you realize this love isn't enough and you don't allow him to continue getting his way while he treats you poorly. You deserve a lot more than that. THIS!!!!!!!!! Thanks Miss Bee I'm remembering last christmas when my ex and I had reconnected but not yet met - I was sooooo excited thinking what 2012 might bring. Here I am on my own, after a year of broken promises and dashed hopes. But 50% of that is my fault too - failing to see or at least act swiftly, on the red flags that were there. I don't post on this OW forum much anymore, mainly because when I read what I've written I hardly recognise myself. I sound so pathetic and needy!!! The opposite of what I am in other areas of my life. But maybe it's good to see that and work on changing that. April, you are doing better than you think. You went 25 days and only broke that because you bumped into him at work. I have re read your first post and it does sound as if you are making it a bit 'romeo and juliet' - if only we could be together. The hard truth is, you could but he has chosen not to. Just like any other break up, he has weighed his options up and decided to be without you.....only worse, he still wants to keep you on the side! In a 'normal' relationship, can you imagine breaking up with someone because they choose someone else and then him saying 'but I still want to see you as well ' I'm sure you would tell him where to go! This is actually what our mm's are saying to us with their talk of 'if only' and 'trapped in a marriage'. How to stop wanting him? That was your original question.....I think, in short, you make yourself. When thoughts turn to him, think of how he has made his choice and it's not you, distract yourself - go out on dates with others (like you I've had lots of other offers and I turn them down because my hearts not in it, but I should give it a chance and be open to someone who actually wants to be 100% available). Picture yourself in a year from now, confident, happy, no stomach turned in knots, maybe with someone new who loves showing you off to all his friends and family and leaves you in no doubt that you are his priority. xx 2
Author april38 Posted December 28, 2012 Author Posted December 28, 2012 Hi everyone, First THANK YOU!! Thank you for investing the time to really help me understand what's happening, and how to overcome it. It seems as though my situation is not all that unique, and neither was our love afair, in fact after I finish replying to this I plan to start another thread regarding all the common things a MM says to the OW/OM that we eat up. I can't believe how familiar and similar the lines of all these men/women say, it's as if they have a guide book that they are all following to make us think that our love is so pure.... Reading all of your comments makes me realize that you are all correct. I am buying into a fantasy that would probably be very different if we were in a legitimate relationship. I'm really trying to remove my rose colored glasses and realize that he really is most interested in his feelings, not mine. I noticed it most after my run in with him on Christmas. He showed no remorse for my sadness, in fact when I told him how much pain I was in, he was actually smiling. I asked him why he was smiling, and he said it was just an uncomfortable smile. But never appologized for the hurt that I'm experiencing. He reverted right back to his feelings, and what he misses about our connection, but no remorse for the pain that he's more than willing to allow me to go through. It makes me so angry. But at least I'm angry now, because for so long I was making excuses for him, defending him, and supporting his needs as if mine didn't matter. Rickfox - you are so right regarding an affair being a perpetual first date. That's exactly what makes it so amazing. It's all romance, fun and passion with none of the usual areas of dificulty that occur between two people in a real relationship, and that's what is so adicting. What scares me now though, is will I enjoy a normal relationship, and not compare it to the incredible highs that occured in an affair? It's like quiting drugs, you never feel that same high, and life can feel dull. Jwi71 - Thanks for the tough love...bottom line, he had a choice, and it wasn't me. I just didn't want to believe it. I told myself last night that these realizations have been very dificult to swallow, and it really hurts to realize that I can no longer be his friend, or ever have any connection with him again. But what hurts more is realizing that he was never my friend. He took everything I had, and gave back nothing.... I think (I hope) I have turned a corner with my situation. It certainly helps that he's not actively pursuing me. I just have to let go. Beyond - I am going to keep a focus on exactly what you said, a year from now confident, happy, and no more pain and longing for what can never be. I'm not ready to date either, I want to be whole and healed before I try to date again so that I attract the right people to me and can offer the same love that I would expect from someone else. 1
HeartWon'tHeal Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 April38, I understand how you feel and I am going through the same thing. My A has been over for more than a year but I still deal with feelings of anger, missing him to fantasizing about him. Like one of the other posters said we were in love with being in love or wanting the fantasy. I have been in counseling for a while and my counselor said its like a hangover. The A was like a drug and so many chemicals in our body go crazy. It will take time and the pain has lessened but part of me still does not want to let go. I watched Titanic recently and at the end of the movie people are hanging on to the boat for dear life. They are hanging on to a sinking ship. That is what I am doing...hanging on to a fantasy and it has left me with dealing with depression. This thread has been very helpful and thank you to everyone that commented. 1
Sparkly24 Posted January 3, 2013 Posted January 3, 2013 I have been in counseling for a while and my counselor said its like a hangover. The A was like a drug and so many chemicals in our body go crazy. It will take time and the pain has lessened but part of me still does not want to let go. I watched Titanic recently and at the end of the movie people are hanging on to the boat for dear life. They are hanging on to a sinking ship. That is what I am doing...hanging on to a fantasy and it has left me with dealing with depression. This is a brilliant way of looking at it. Someone else on this forum also pointed out that the great feelings of being wanted by someone are intensified when there are obstacles in the way, like family and kids. Your so amazing to him, what he feels for you is so strong these obstacles are not stopping him. I am doing a lot of reflection myself at the moment and almost think that I was in love with the thought of someones love for me. The very second that he showed his true feeling for me and I realized that love he was showing me was an act, I stopped thinking about him in the same way. Its like I cant love myself so I love someone loving me. Very addictive when I see so many negative aspects when I look in the mirror. I would suggest having a look at some of the threads in the marriage/divorce section on LS - there are a few conversations where MM are talking about how they cannot decide if they want to leave their wives and their families. I do understand that people have a choice but sometimes its not so easy when other people/children are involved. Some would say staying with their wives is the easy option but I think it could also be the hardest one too. You are the only one who knew what your relationship was, and you are the only one who can come to terms with moving on when you are ready. In the mean time I suggest LOTS of chocolate. And maybe go on a few dates, see what its like spending company with someone else for a change and not having to be the naughty secret for once? Take care xxx 1
OhDear66 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 And trust me...every disappointment, relationship wise as well as in other areas, ALWAYS turns out to be a blessing in disguise and something better always comes along which helped me to see why the previous situation didn't work out. I LOVE this part of your post MissBee. And agree with you entirely, i used to always think that the 'current' thing was the be all and end all of everything...yet every time it did not work out, i stood corrected! And something else DID always come along at some point afterwards. So OP and the other poster which i think was 'beyond', try and get yourself to a point where you understand that it simply wasn't meant to be and 'your time' just hasnt arrived yet. And then the healing can happen with yes you guessed it...time 1
MissBee Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 I LOVE this part of your post MissBee. And agree with you entirely, i used to always think that the 'current' thing was the be all and end all of everything...yet every time it did not work out, i stood corrected! And something else DID always come along at some point afterwards. So OP and the other poster which i think was 'beyond', try and get yourself to a point where you understand that it simply wasn't meant to be and 'your time' just hasnt arrived yet. And then the healing can happen with yes you guessed it...time Yepp... It's like your mind is so in the present (which can be a good thing) that you truly believe the current situation was IT and you can't imagine ever moving on. But you do. It's not easy, but remembering all my past disappointments that hold no weight now and how I did eventually move on and was happy helps me to realize that the current situation is only temporary and that if it didn't work out, it probably wasn't meant to be.
darkmoon Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 "I go through this familiar cycle of rational and irrational thought and sometimes reasonable and understanding, then dreamy and passionate, then disbelief and grief, and round and round again, but still here I am, alone in my thoughts of love for him, and can't seem to move on. HELP!! I feel like Im going insane..." darling, you're describing post-traumatic stress disorder, sorry xx 1
Author april38 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Posted January 4, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm here to share an update on my progress. This is for 2 reasons, 1. For my own therapy, and 2. So others in my situation can see what happens when you stick to NC and give up hope. I'm doing better. After I ran into him on Xmas I threw a little private funeral for him and our A by saying my goodbyes out loud (to myself), cutting all avenues of possible contact ( removing him from Facebook) and burning letters from him in a pot on my stove (my house still smells a bit like a campfire). I cried myself to sleep, and I wasn't sure it would even help. But as days passed, and I continued reading posts here, I started to see him in a different light. The rose colored glasses did come off. From many of your posts I've come to realize that our romance was not really unique, that it really was a textbook affair of a man dissatisfied at home, that his love for me was more of him loving the ego boost I've provided, and not a star crossed lovers scenario. Then it hit me - his expectation of us being together long term (when he left his wife for me) was that I was going to use every ounce of my energy for the rest of my life feeding his ego and being at his beckon call. He used to say, we will always be like this, it will never get stale like it was with my wife. (What an unrealistic expectation). I realized that there was no way I would ever be able to live up to that expectation over time, and we were both living in a fantasy world. Eventually he would become dissatisfied with our relationship, and even more bitter with me that he would ever be with her because our relationship had originally been set on the expectation that I will fullfill all of his wildest dreams forever and ever. Once he would have realized that I couldn't live up to that fantasy, he would have become resentful of me for taking him away from his wife and family. Knowing this, I came to the conclusion that I would rather be regretted than resented by him. (It gives me a bit of satisfaction knowing that he will always wonder what it would have been like had he followed through with the divorce and been with me since he sees me as such a fantasy girl, even though I know in my heart, I'm not the girl he thinks I am, and he made the right decision). So there it is, I can say without feeling devastation that he made the right decision to go back to his marriage and not be with me. This is a huge step. Today I saw a recent picture of him, and not only was he less attractive in my eyes, but I saw the look in his eyes, the I'm dissatisfied with my life look, and I thought "I am so glad I'm not his wife". I know in my heart that eventually he would have had that look standing next to me in a picture, and Who wants to be with someone like that? Each day the pain lessens, and my life is starting to become mine again. I told my friend just 3 days ago that I think I'm finally ready to start dating again, and that I'm feeling alive again. Then just yesterday a (single) guy I've been eyeing for a year and a half asked me to go on a (casual) date with him. Whether we hit it off or not doesn't really matter, the point is that as said in the book "the alchemist" ( an inspiring must read) when someone makes a decisions, the entire universe conspires to make it happen. I had made a decision to move on, and I meant it, and that's exactly what's happening. I'm not done healing though, this is just the beginning, because now I think I need to start taking a good look at myself and take responsibility for my actions and intentions that led up to my choice of becoming involved with a married man. I need to face facts - sure he's weak and lacks integrity, but so do I. I can't just blame him, and become angry that I was scorned, I need to realize I was an equal participant in this betrayal, and got exactly what I deserved. The good news is that what I deserve is so much more than a relationship with him, it's a true love and that is what I will have eventually once I've completely moved on. Lucky me!!! The pain is excruciating, and for me it's lasted for a year and a half (pretty much since the day the A started), but now that I'm facing it, it's going away. thank you everyone here who has had the courage to post their stories, true feelings, and provided support to one another and me. Try not to tear each other down, let's all work together to heal from this life experience and live happier lives. 8
Realist3 Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Ending an affair is different than breaking up with someone who you are legitimately dating. When you break up/divorce someone there are usually irreconcilable differences that cause you to want out, or if you get dumped, they don't want you anymore, and you have to accept that. But when you end an affair, it's not because you don't like each other anymore, it's because the love is forbidden, and you don't really want to end it, but you know you have to Boom! Well stated.
OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted January 4, 2013 Posted January 4, 2013 Fantastic outlook -- good things are ahead for you!
movingon45 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 An affair is not like a normal relationship, it's a perpetual first date, you're in love with being in love, it all seems perfect but it never was perfect. He was married with children and you were the side dish. You may never stop wanting him, but it's the fantasy you want, when you take off those rose colored glasses, you will start to move on and past him. I so needed to hear this about the perpetual first date!
movingon45 Posted January 5, 2013 Posted January 5, 2013 @Beyond, I wish I have your strength. How long did it take for you to recover?
Author april38 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Hi friends, so it's been 9 months since my last post, and except for 1 other run in with him back in April, I have had no contact. However I'm still suffering. I'm still stuck. I'm still angry, and still not moving forward in my love life with anyone else. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, and I can't believe how much pain still exists every single day. He is in my mind every day, and every day I tell myself I'm getting better - but I'm not. I'm still alone and sad and even though my love for him has turned into anger, it still rules my world. I don't know how anyone moves on from this. I vowed to myself I would stay away, and I will. But just today for the first time I thought to myself, I never want to see him again. And when I think I could potentially run into him at work, I rearrange my schedule so that I don't. I really want to be over him. I am now 10 months out of the A, but it still rules my world, and I know he's completely moved on in his life, back with his family. In July he sent me a birthday card that said he will love me forever. I cried for hours, yet didn't reply. It's such a mindf*&k. How do I get over this and move on?? Does anyone know? Has anyone been successful without finding a replacement? I'm so tired of hurting.....
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