Issues with my boyfriend (longish)

[maysj18]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We've been friends for a bit longer and we spend a great deal of time together. We're so close and not just in a romantic way. He's the type of person who I would be exceptionally good friends with, even if we weren't dating. Regardless, I have some issues with him that really bother me, but I'm unsure if they are things that I'll have to deal with or if I should hold him somewhat accountable.

 

1) He does SO much for me. So so much, BUT there are some VERY important things that he should do or at least help with, but doesn't. For example, I had a great car that got totaled and the new car I got is a piece of crap. The last owner abused it so bad and my boyfriend has a HUGE car garage that he and his dad rent out with other people. It even has a damn car lift in it, but he has yet to work on my car at all. For example, there was an issue with one of the tires and I had the option of either replacing this entire piece (which would be a way easier job) or this tiny piece that was hell to get to but would have only cost me 10 bucks (it was the actual piece that was broken). Now, I am in COLLEGE, living on my own so I don't have money to throw around. He actually tried to talk me into buying the entire piece rather than just the small broken piece BECAUSE it was an easier job. That was the ONLY reason. My car actually began diving to the right at interstate speeds because my wheel became so loose during the time I was saving up the money to buy the big part he wanted me to buy. He never offered to test drive it when I told him about the diving either, he just tossed it up to torque steering. That went all f'ing over me. When it comes to my car, he is so unreliable. To have all this "knowledge" about cars and the perfect area to work on them, why is my car not fixed? It's all stuff that he could fix, if he would just do it. Another issue happened just yesterday when my car died because my battery terminal was loose. I had it towed to my mom's house, so my boyfriend brought some tools over for my brother to use to fix it. I tell my boyfriend that as my brother is fixing it, we were going Christmas shopping. Well, when we got in the car, my boyfriend said "Surprised I didn't get roped into helping." WTF? So what if he had been asked to help? My car died on the interstate and had to be towed to my mom's house. Thank God my brother and dad were in town to fix it, because from the sounds of it, he wouldn't have done a damn thing.

 

2) Coming to see ME is such a damn hassle with him. I live in a small, small town about 30 miles away because I'm in school (my mom lives in his town and it is where I grew up). It's such an easy drive, but every weekend this past semester I went to see him, but sometimes I would ask him to come down and he would bitch so hard about it saying it's boring and that his truck's tires are bad and that gas is expensive. UHHH, I'm in school..living on my own...and my car BARELY PASSED INSPECTION.

 

3) His cynicism towards people. He's so much fun to be around if he knows you, but he refuses to be apart of a big group. I'm very social, and I would like for him to meet my big group of friends but he refuses. He says he wouldn't have fun being in a group like that and that he would just be in a bad mood. Also, my dad came in for Christmas (he lives in Florida) and I figured this would be a perfect time for them to get to know each other. We went and saw a movie, but that took some begging because he had to drive down to where I live since dad is staying with me. Well, today is Christmas and I wanted him to come see me and have dinner with me and dad before my dad left, but he said he was "too tired". Now, I promise you that if I had used that excuse, he would have given me such a hard time. After being in class ALL day on Fridays, sometimes I would want to take a nap before coming to see him this past semester, but he would get a little pissy with me if I took a nap.

 

As a result of all this stuff, my dad is not his biggest fan.

 

Now, I do want to say that he is a great boyfriend. These issues are big ones and ones that need to be dealt with, but as a whole he's great and the good really does outweigh the bad. He is the most trustworthy, hilarious person I know. He is so doting, affectionate and generous. He is great with money, is in a very good graduate program, and has a GREAT family who have just been amazing to me. These are things though that could lead to a great deal of strain on our relationship, so I wanted some insight from you all.

[bolase]

To me it sounds like although those things are frustrating, understandably, they are give and take things. I'm sure you give him some crap to put up with too no matter how much of a great gf you are on the whole.

 

The only question that's important is: do you love him?

 

Sometimes things cumulatively piss you off about someone and you just realise that they aren't the love of your life. They aren't dealbreaker things.

 

If you do love him, talk to him, but about only the most important issue (the coming to see you issue from an outsiders view, because he knew about this in advance and had plenty of chances to change and put it right, but he hasn't. The other two put pressure on him to act and it might not have suited him for various reasons not just the excuses he gave, can see that). So don't dump your anger on him but rather tell him you want to take him out for coffee, buy it (yes I know youre poor) and say this is on my mind, it's not good enough, what do you think. etc

 

Good luck

[VioletSummer]

I can't really give you any advice or opinion on the first two points. However I can see where he is coming from when you say he doesn't want to hang around with your friends. If he doesn't know them well, or at all, then he may feel it will be awkward. I definitely had the same problem myself, attending social events with my girlfriend and her friends but standing around feeling like a spare part while she socialised all night because I didn't know any of them.

 

The dad thing is a little weird though, any chance I get to meet my girlfriends dad I take since he seems to be the hardest one to win over with my girlfriend. Maybe he was just nervous about meeting him? I certainly was the first time I met my gf's dad.

[LittlePrince]

He's keeping you in line. Good for him. I guess the almost pretty aren't as privileged after all.

[Divasu]

but he has yet to work on my car at all.

 

He's not your mechanic.

 

The rest is give/take (IE: 'compromise'), like someone else mentioned.

 

Perhaps some negotiation strategies are on the horizon...

[Yookie]

So your complaints are:

 

1) He's a mechanic but unwilling to help you with your car when needed.

2) He won't come visit you in your town but gets mad if you don't use your car (that he wont fix) to come see him.

3) He refuses to socialize with your friends

4) He refuses to socialize with your Dad (even on a Holiday).

 

If the above is correct, it would be a deal breaker for me. He doesn't want to integrate into your life and feels inconvenienced in order to visit you? Friends, family and holidays are important. This will become an even bigger issue down the line if you two have a family together.

 

I would stop going to visit him and see how long it takes for him to miss me enough that he's willing to come see ME!

[Ninjainpajamas]

Overall he just doesn't seem very invested or interested in going out of his way to be with you and connect with your life...which would have been an important moment and time to get to know your dad especially for the holidays, to me that's a big foul right there and is a bad sign of either his laziness or investment.

 

Seems like you are fine accommodating him though, I'm not sure why you go to see him all the time, why don't you make him come to see you? you're whining about it but ultimately you get in your bucket and waddle down the road just to see him all over again, your bark is not worse than your bite...then you sweep it under the rug because you feel he treats you right?...which is typical of many women to do.

 

Relationships aren't about sacrifices they are about compromises...eventually those "sacrifices" will come back and blow up in your face. Also a great friend, a great "person" doesn't mean they make a great "life" or "romantic" partner...that's a test of a different kind and you shouldn't compare them in such a way, they take an entirely separate level of compatibility.

 

Only thing I think he has a leg to stand on is that he doesn't have to be your personal mechanic, you shouldn't expect him to jump up and work on your car whenever it needs to get fixed, and that garage is not yours or yours to claim because you see it's available...that in a way is none of your business and your poking a bit too far there.

 

However...considering he does know about cars and you seem to be in a pretty bad situation with your car, he should be more concerned and he should be more willing to help you out when you're in trouble...but to me that is a sign of a man who's just gotten lazy, he definitely sounds immature and questionable investment again with you or he'd want to make sure you were safe and taken care (but he doesnt want to be your daddy or personal AAA), especially since you do a lot on your own, but he just seems to expect you to take care of it on your own...which to some extent is reasonable, he's your bf not your husband and your problems don't become his problems just because of that, you still are ultimately responsible for your own problems...after all you're in your situation you are in by choice or for schooling, plus he figures your dad could just help you if you really needed it...I'm sure he has some reasons for his thinking, and he seems to reacting to you like you are the clingy type...so I question your behavior, I know how much a woman can agitate a man with her persistence and pressure and how he can react very negatively towards that "force" when women start placing these "expectations" and men don't feel or want the duty of fulfilling them.

 

This biggest blow to me is his choice to use a ultimately very lame excuse to not spend time with your father...If he was invested in you that should be a priority for him and someone he'd want to make a good impression on and have a fair relationship with...when men aren't serious with you they don't give a flying crap about your family and friends, when they are serious with you they typically want to be in good graces with your family at least and maybe even moderate terms with your friends occasionally because they know that's important to you, unless they are just selfish possessive guys that are only concerned about "their world" because those are the people that "matter"...many guys don't want to meet the friends and family and err away from it, but if the guy is serious about you they'll definitely do it because they want to be closer to you and apart of the "inner circle"...it's kind of a right of passage into showing you are more serious about a woman by becoming closer to their family...however that is just one of many things that need to fall into place...many women take one good gesture or sign of commitment way too far and let it overshadow many other things.

 

It sounds like he's become too comfortable with this relationship and you've been too accommodating.

[maysj18]

Overall he just doesn't seem very invested or interested in going out of his way to be with you and connect with your life...which would have been an important moment and time to get to know your dad especially for the holidays, to me that's a big foul right there and is a bad sign of either his laziness or investment.

 

Seems like you are fine accommodating him though, I'm not sure why you go to see him all the time, why don't you make him come to see you? you're whining about it but ultimately you get in your bucket and waddle down the road just to see him all over again, your bark is not worse than your bite...then you sweep it under the rug because you feel he treats you right?...which is typical of many women to do.

 

Relationships aren't about sacrifices they are about compromises...eventually those "sacrifices" will come back and blow up in your face. Also a great friend, a great "person" doesn't mean they make a great "life" or "romantic" partner...that's a test of a different kind and you shouldn't compare them in such a way, they take an entirely separate level of compatibility.

 

Only thing I think he has a leg to stand on is that he doesn't have to be your personal mechanic, you shouldn't expect him to jump up and work on your car whenever it needs to get fixed, and that garage is not yours or yours to claim because you see it's available...that in a way is none of your business and your poking a bit too far there.

 

However...considering he does know about cars and you seem to be in a pretty bad situation with your car, he should be more concerned and he should be more willing to help you out when you're in trouble...but to me that is a sign of a man who's just gotten lazy, he definitely sounds immature and questionable investment again with you or he'd want to make sure you were safe and taken care (but he doesnt want to be your daddy or personal AAA), especially since you do a lot on your own, but he just seems to expect you to take care of it on your own...which to some extent is reasonable, he's your bf not your husband and your problems don't become his problems just because of that, you still are ultimately responsible for your own problems...after all you're in your situation you are in by choice or for schooling, plus he figures your dad could just help you if you really needed it...I'm sure he has some reasons for his thinking, and he seems to reacting to you like you are the clingy type...so I question your behavior, I know how much a woman can agitate a man with her persistence and pressure and how he can react very negatively towards that "force" when women start placing these "expectations" and men don't feel or want the duty of fulfilling them.

 

This biggest blow to me is his choice to use a ultimately very lame excuse to not spend time with your father...If he was invested in you that should be a priority for him and someone he'd want to make a good impression on and have a fair relationship with...when men aren't serious with you they don't give a flying crap about your family and friends, when they are serious with you they typically want to be in good graces with your family at least and maybe even moderate terms with your friends occasionally because they know that's important to you, unless they are just selfish possessive guys that are only concerned about "their world" because those are the people that "matter"...many guys don't want to meet the friends and family and err away from it, but if the guy is serious about you they'll definitely do it because they want to be closer to you and apart of the "inner circle"...it's kind of a right of passage into showing you are more serious about a woman by becoming closer to their family...however that is just one of many things that need to fall into place...many women take one good gesture or sign of commitment way too far and let it overshadow many other things.

 

It sounds like he's become too comfortable with this relationship and you've been too accommodating.

 

 

I get what you're saying; however, I am not that type of girl. When it comes to the issue of my car, I'm not expecting him to be my go to mechanic, but he offers and he knows how broke I am. Like, I took my car to get inspected and I called him bawling because I got the news that my car wasn't safe to drive. He assured me that he would look at it and fix the pro blem and tnot worry about it. So, he came down and checked out an engine diagram on the computer and said that getting to these certain bolts would be too hard and I should just replace the whole part. So, I had to spend 140 more dollars just to make his life easier.

 

The main reason I still go to town is to see my mom and best friend. It's not just to see him. How do I handle this though? What I expect from my boyfriend is some sense of selflessness. If I knew he was in financial trouble and couldn't afford to fix his car and I had access to a garage, I'd help him as much as I could.

Edited December 27, 2012 by maysj18

[Ninjainpajamas]

I get what you're saying; however, I am not that type of girl. When it comes to the issue of my car, I'm not expecting him to be my go to mechanic, but he offers and he knows how broke I am. Like, I took my car to get inspected and I called him bawling because I got the news that my car wasn't safe to drive. He assured me that he would look at it and fix the pro blem and tnot worry about it. So, he came down and checked out an engine diagram on the computer and said that getting to these certain bolts would be too hard and I should just replace the whole part. So, I had to spend 140 more dollars just to make his life easier.

 

The main reason I still go to town is to see my mom and best friend. It's not just to see him. How do I handle this though? What I expect from my boyfriend is some sense of selflessness. If I knew he was in financial trouble and couldn't afford to fix his car and I had access to a garage, I'd help him as much as I could.

 

Realize that in moments of distress where women are emotional men feel often times obligated to console them. They feel that reaction to reassure and repair/fix it because that's how men feel they can help in the moment. However after that moment has passed he may err away from doing the work once the reality hits.

 

As far as making his life easier with the repairs, maybe he's got other things to do or is also on the lazy side and not the hardest worker around. Maybe he'd rather have you spend the money so he has to do less work...if that's the case then how do you feel about that? judge the facts, not what you want the reality to be, the real guy is there, wipe away the fog of expectations and see the truth and decide whether you can accept that or not....communication will fill in the blanks..either validating or confirming your beliefs or showing some compromise or other issue that can be resolved.

 

You handle this through commmunication, exprss to him how you feel and gain his feedback..work through it but make the effort.

[Els]

1) He does SO much for me. So so much, BUT there are some VERY important things that he should do or at least help with, but doesn't. For example, I had a great car that got totaled and the new car I got is a piece of crap. The last owner abused it so bad and my boyfriend has a HUGE car garage that he and his dad rent out with other people. It even has a damn car lift in it, but he has yet to work on my car at all. For example, there was an issue with one of the tires and I had the option of either replacing this entire piece (which would be a way easier job) or this tiny piece that was hell to get to but would have only cost me 10 bucks (it was the actual piece that was broken). Now, I am in COLLEGE, living on my own so I don't have money to throw around. He actually tried to talk me into buying the entire piece rather than just the small broken piece BECAUSE it was an easier job. That was the ONLY reason. My car actually began diving to the right at interstate speeds because my wheel became so loose during the time I was saving up the money to buy the big part he wanted me to buy. He never offered to test drive it when I told him about the diving either, he just tossed it up to torque steering. That went all f'ing over me. When it comes to my car, he is so unreliable. To have all this "knowledge" about cars and the perfect area to work on them, why is my car not fixed? It's all stuff that he could fix, if he would just do it. Another issue happened just yesterday when my car died because my battery terminal was loose. I had it towed to my mom's house, so my boyfriend brought some tools over for my brother to use to fix it. I tell my boyfriend that as my brother is fixing it, we were going Christmas shopping. Well, when we got in the car, my boyfriend said "Surprised I didn't get roped into helping." WTF? So what if he had been asked to help? My car died on the interstate and had to be towed to my mom's house. Thank God my brother and dad were in town to fix it, because from the sounds of it, he wouldn't have done a damn thing.

 

In this paragraph, you come across as expecting him to do everything for you with regards to your car, and not appreciating any of it. Not that I think what he did was right, but your attitudes do affect how happy or willing people are to help you. If you come across as taking for granted that he should fix your car in the best possible way for free just because he is good with cars, then it is understandable that he would not feel too eager to help you. Have you thanked him for what he does do with your car (which is still more than you can afford at a mechanic given your mention of your budget)?

 

2) Coming to see ME is such a damn hassle with him. I live in a small, small town about 30 miles away because I'm in school (my mom lives in his town and it is where I grew up). It's such an easy drive, but every weekend this past semester I went to see him, but sometimes I would ask him to come down and he would bitch so hard about it saying it's boring and that his truck's tires are bad and that gas is expensive. UHHH, I'm in school..living on my own...and my car BARELY PASSED INSPECTION.

 

Legitimate complaint here. This would be the biggest red flag in your post, IMO. Unless he has extremely good reasons, him being happy with sitting around for 6 months while you drive up to him every week, is really not a good sign.

 

3) His cynicism towards people. He's so much fun to be around if he knows you, but he refuses to be apart of a big group. I'm very social, and I would like for him to meet my big group of friends but he refuses. He says he wouldn't have fun being in a group like that and that he would just be in a bad mood. Also, my dad came in for Christmas (he lives in Florida) and I figured this would be a perfect time for them to get to know each other. We went and saw a movie, but that took some begging because he had to drive down to where I live since dad is staying with me. Well, today is Christmas and I wanted him to come see me and have dinner with me and dad before my dad left, but he said he was "too tired". Now, I promise you that if I had used that excuse, he would have given me such a hard time. After being in class ALL day on Fridays, sometimes I would want to take a nap before coming to see him this past semester, but he would get a little pissy with me if I took a nap.

 

This is just incompatibility, so it depends on how important compatible social styles are to you.

[maysj18]

i would edit this but im on my phoneraph, you come across as expecting him to do everything for you with regards to your car, and not appreciating any of it. Not that I think what he did was right, but your attitudes do affect how happy or willing people are to help you. If you come across as taking for granted that he should fix your car in the best possible way for free just because he is good with cars, then it is understandable that he would not feel too eager to help you. Have you thanked him for what he does do with your car (which is still more than you can afford at a mechanic given your mention of your budget)?

 

 

 

Legitimate complaint here. This would be the biggest red flag in your post, IMO. Unless he has extremely good reasons, him being happy with sitting around for 6 months while you drive up to him every week, is really not a good sign.

 

 

 

This is just incompatibility, so it depends on how important compatible social styles are to you.

 

I understand how that must have come off. I'm so grateful for the little work he's done. He knows that. My frustration was just coming out in my post. He doesn't work or go to school, and the thing is is that he offers to do things, but backs out if the job is too hard. He expects my 16 year old brother to do everything, because he's in school to be a mechanic. If I ask him to look up a part number for me, he says "Ask your brother" or he will hear a rattle or something and says I need to get that fixed but he won't tell me exactly what's wrong or even look at ir half the time. It's laziness and he admits to it. Is this a deal breaker?

[Els]

Wait, he doesn't work OR go to school? What does he do then?

[TaraMaiden]

Elswyth, she's still stuck in a rut.

 

see here.....

 

I foolishly didn't check her posting History.