For guys who struggle with women

[TheZebra]

The way I see it. If one were truly happy on their own, they'd willingly stay single and abstain from sex.

 

Why be in a relationship if you're already happy?

 

You're treating those two things as mutually exclusive. There are several things in life that make me happy right now and I don't have a boyfriend. Having a job, getting a dog (March!!), going out with my best friend, eating chocolate. Sure, I could still be happy without the chocolate. I don't NEED chocolate to be happy; I have other things going on that keep me smiling. But if I get my hands on a nice piece of Godiva chocolate, do you think I'm going to say no? Yeah right! But if that Godiva chocolate spoils, I'm throwing it away, and I am not going to replace it with some cheap knock-off. I'll wait 'til it goes on sale again.

 

(Best analogy ever, right? Right?!)

 

Anyways, back to my point. Your life needs to have multiple things that bring you joy. If you rely on one other person in the world to do that for you, you're going to have a miserable existence and so will that person. It's not fair to hold them accountable for all your happiness. A relationship should complement your life, not BE your life.

 

Your ultimate goal in a relationship is to find someone who WANTS to be with you, not someone who NEEDS to be with you.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The way I see it. If one were truly happy on their own, they'd willingly stay single and abstain from sex.

 

Why be in a relationship if you're already happy?

 

 

Happiness is really a state of mind.

 

There's so many other things to be upset about. Friends blow you off. You get laid off at work. You're not happy with your career. Failure at relationships just tends to be one that sticks in our head longer than the others.

 

You have to be able to internalize life's setbacks and keep ticking, whether your life has turned out the way you wanted it to or not. This is what I am currently trying to do.

[Lonely Ronin]

The way I see it. If one were truly happy on their own, they'd willingly stay single and abstain from sex.

 

Why be in a relationship if you're already happy?

 

it's like the difference between a 92% and a 99% on a test. Both are an A, just one is better.

[edgygirl]

Because being in love and having someone love you back feels amazing? Doesn't mean I cannot be happy without it.

 

I confess. I can't be happy without it.

 

I do not buy the theory below although everyone keeps saying it.

 

If you need to be with someone to be happy....you will never be happy.

 

Maybe what this theory means is that you will never attract someone if you're miserable? But (for me) it doesn't mean that you can be truly happy being by yourself. As I said, I can't. I know I can't.

[KungFuJoe]

I confess. I can't be happy without it.

 

I do not buy the theory below although everyone keeps saying it.

 

 

 

Maybe what this theory means is that you will never attract someone if you're miserable? But (for me) it doesn't mean that you can be truly happy being by yourself. As I said, I can't. I know I can't.

 

Don't know what to say but no one wants a desperate partner. It is the biggest turn off for either sex.

[edgygirl]

Anyways, back to my point. Your life needs to have multiple things that bring you joy. If you rely on one other person in the world to do that for you, you're going to have a miserable existence and so will that person. It's not fair to hold them accountable for all your happiness. A relationship should complement your life, not BE your life.

 

Your ultimate goal in a relationship is to find someone who WANTS to be with you, not someone who NEEDS to be with you.

 

Hmm I just don't feel like doing many things when I'm not in a relationship. Including meeting friends and things I don't do with my partner. I feel much more energetic about life when in a relationship. Does it mean I am needy and will glue to my partner? No. But having one makes me happy and wanting to do things. I am not sure I buy all this be happy by yourself first thing.

[KungFuJoe]

Hmm I just don't feel like doing many things when I'm not in a relationship. Including meeting friends and things I don't do with my partner. I feel much more energetic about life when in a relationship. Does it mean I am needy and will glue to my partner? No. But having one makes me happy and wanting to do things. I am not sure I buy all this be happy by yourself first thing.

 

How old are you? If you're young you just need time to mature. If you're old then you might want to see a therapist. It's possible you have depression.

[edgygirl]

How old are you? If you're young you just need time to mature. If you're old then you might want to see a therapist. It's possible you have depression.

 

I'm 40. Divorced. And yes I know regarding depression. But I think it's more the realization that I am not where I want to be in my emotional life at this specific age. It's hard to get excited about doing things when you know you don't have what you really want = a partner. I swear I shift 90% when I am interested in someone, I become energetic right away - I want to go places, meet people, plan things. So I am not sure it's (physical) depression.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Hmm I just don't feel like doing many things when I'm not in a relationship. Including meeting friends and things I don't do with my partner. I feel much more energetic about life when in a relationship. Does it mean I am needy and will glue to my partner? No. But having one makes me happy and wanting to do things. I am not sure I buy all this be happy by yourself first thing.

 

 

Well, this thread was more for men who can't attract women, at least the philosophy was.

 

If you have had many relationships and have no trouble attracting men, and feel you are truly happier in a relationship, then go and find one I suggest.

 

It's a little different for guys who struggle to attract women. They have to internalize it differently.

[KungFuJoe]

I'm 40. Divorced. And yes I know regarding depression. But I think it's more the realization that I am not where I want to be in my emotional life at this specific age. It's hard to get excited about doing things when you know you don't have what you really want = a partner. I swear I shift 90% when I am interested in someone, I become energetic right away - I want to go places, meet people, plan things. So I am not sure it's (physical) depression.

 

How long have you been divorced? That makes a big difference. You might still be recovering.

 

It took me two years to completely get over my first gf of four years. And I was in my early twenties.

[edgygirl]

Don't know what to say but no one wants a desperate partner. It is the biggest turn off for either sex.

 

I wouldn't say I'm that desperate. I don't see how knowing that you can't be happy without a partner makes one seem desperate.

 

Again - no one has ever proved to me that the mentioned theory is right. That you need to be happy by yourself first, that being with someone won't make you happy and therefore happier in other areas that don't include the SO necessarily. Can you prove it to me? You seem to have a lot of insight usually.

[TheZebra]

I can see where you're coming from, edgygirl. I think relationships do that to everyone in general; everyone's happy and giddy in a new relationship. Kind of the same way my dad gets happy and giddy when he gets a new camera (hobby photographer) or how I imagine I'll be when I can afford to drive my dream car out of the lot.

 

I'm going to be honest - I LOVE travelling. I usually travel with my folks or my best friend and we have a good time. But my preferred thing to do is to travel with a partner; like a romantic partner. I know I'm at my happiest when I'm catching a flight with a love interest. But even though I don't have that partner right now doesn't mean I don't travel.

 

In other words, it's ok to be happier in a relationship, but it doesn't mean you have to be miserable when you're not in one.

 

I might sound put together, but I'm trying to take my own advice as well. I was pretty sad during Christmas; first Christmas in years that I spent without a boyfriend. But, I tried to make the best of it. I jumped in the jacuzzi when there was snow on the ground, I drank, made jokes with family, played with the dogs, shot a rifle at a colorful orange disc... you name it. Now when/if my love interest asks me how my vacation went I can tell him about all the cool stuff I did rather than say 'oh I was miserable the whole time, thinking of how much I missed you'. Guess which story will make him more likely to run away?

[ThaWholigan]

You can't really prove that, you can only be the example.

 

I can be happy alone and always was capable. SD will cry "but you can get laid" but the fact is I was already content and happy before I got laid. I don't need to be abstinent to prove that - I was already abstinent for an extended length of time and could easily do it again. I already had to be happy to even get to where I am. If I depended on others for that, I would have been miserable.

 

I was always happy on my own.

[edgygirl]

How long have you been divorced? That makes a big difference. You might still be recovering.

 

It took me two years to completely get over my first gf of four years. And I was in my early twenties.

 

4 years now and honestly it took me 3 years to fully recover, so I'm past that. Even before getting married I always knew that without a partner I would not be really happy. I think that some people (as me) are so into the relationship and love thing that they feel utterly incomplete without it. I think people are different and saying things like "you have to be happy by yourself first to be happy with someone" is not necessarily true, or that people who can't be happy by themselves are overly needy or clingy, or have some emotional issue.

 

But I guess we should find another place to discuss this later as OP pointed out my situation is different than the guys who can't attract women and probably doesn't belong in this thread

[edgygirl]

Now when/if my love interest asks me how my vacation went I can tell him about all the cool stuff I did rather than say 'oh I was miserable the whole time, thinking of how much I missed you'. Guess which story will make him more likely to run away?

 

I agree and I try to do things too, and be happy, It's... well, human instinct. But your last paragraph just proves my point that people in general do these things also to try and seem put together, interesting, not miserable, and mainly, to give the impression that they are not unhappy being single, that they have a "full life" or so... just so they can be interesting and attractive to someone. (obviously it's not the only goal of doing things but I hope you get my point). I think people who want and crave a relationship are not really happy or put together without having one. Therefore the being happy before meeting someone theory doesn't hold, unless you are not really interested in having a relationship in the first place (in your 20s or so).

[terlislee]

The thing is there's no magic formula that will make you happy no matter what, what you have to do is be happy and content despite not having everything you would like to have or not having achieved everything you wanted to achieve.

 

I started dating a lot later than my peers and I was happy before that. Then I was in an amazing relationship, but once other things in my life started going wrong no amount of love or support from my partner could make me feel better, I had to do that myself. Also, even if I'm in a relationship and do most activities with him, I still have things I love to do on my own, with a certain friend etc.

 

Edgygirl I felt like that after some of my break ups too. I think there can be many reasons - from having a lower self esteem and putting too much importance on validation from a partner, to you being a bit codependent. If you never were single for a longer period of time then it's natural for you to suddenly feel lost and like there's no point in doing something on your own. Also at your age relationships get more important so not having one will probably make you feel more down than not getting a promotion at work.

 

It's okay to feel happier being in love, as it's okay to feel happier when you have a job you like, when you hang out with awesome friends, go on your dream vacation etc. Relationships and having children tend to play the dominant role in our society, but it's important to find the right balance and not make something you can't really influence all that much be your single goal in life. People will always pursue things making them more happy no matter how much they already have and things will always happen that will put you down, so the only way is finding the happiness inside and not let things like unemployment or being single make you feel like there's no meaning in life.

[KungFuJoe]

Maybe it was good luck or timing but when I broke up with my first ex of 4 years I was unhappy and just wanted to be in a loving relationship again. I spent two years trying to get her back, comparing every woman who came around to her, ignoring other women, etc, etc. it didn't help that we still had ex sex for a year and a half almost so I never could "heal"

 

I got her back eventually. Broke up a month later and I never looked back. I was finally "healed" and just felt stupid for wasting all my time. I stopped worrying about being with anyone, just hung out with friends, worked out, played basketball. I was happy for the first time in a long time and it felt good. Confidence shot up and all of a sudden I had women around me left and right...dated a few and maybe a little over a year later, met the woman who would become my wife.

[TheZebra]

What I was trying to get across was that I still looked for other ways to be happy despite not having my #1 choice of happiness at that moment. If you pretend that happiness is a tank of gas, on x-mas I was on like 3/4 full. If I had a guy w/me (that I cared about) and I was doing all of those same activities I might've been at a full tank. But I was never at 0; no one should ever be. I honestly think that's the best attitude to life in regards to everything, not just relationships. I'd be happier in a Ferrari, but it doesn't mean I can't enjoy my lesser, older car at the moment. I'd be happier living on my own, but I have a couple of months to go before I can make that step. No problem, I'll enjoy my parents' company in the mean time.

 

If anything, I hope you can at least agree with me that it's better to be single than in a toxic relationship. I kind of wish my previous relationship had ended sooner.

[Snowman219]

That is an unacceptable solution. I would suggest trying to improve yourself. There is no substitute for a relationship, and if you want one and are not getting it, nothing will cover it up. I never met anyone who was happy being single unless they were not into romance or came from numerous bad relationships. There is a reason why suicide rates are higher for single people

 

Wow are you and the OP related? Cpt. Obvious posts over here! Get out fast guys I'll distract 'em with a Billy Mays commercial. Finally found a good use for Oxyclean, God bless his soul. Save urselves!

[SJC2008]

Not sure about the premise about finding happiness being alone but I will say that just because you have not had success by your mid twenties doesn't, necessarily, mean you're doomed.

 

I didn't kiss a girl until I was 28. Was in my first relationship when I was 29 that I basically broke off due to me not being ready to settle down. Went on plenty of dates until I found my current gf.

 

 

I remember the feeling of being hopeless and helpless but you have to fight through that and you'll see that there is no great joy than feeling that you have the power to change your lot in life.

 

 

Did you meet your GF online?? Did she know about your history??

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree and I try to do things too, and be happy, It's... well, human instinct. But your last paragraph just proves my point that people in general do these things also to try and seem put together, interesting, not miserable, and mainly, to give the impression that they are not unhappy being single, that they have a "full life" or so... just so they can be interesting and attractive to someone.

edgygirl, I know how hard it can be to motivate yourself to have an active social life when you're single and lonely. I totally relate to feeling much more lit up when I have a man in my life who inspires me to be a fantastic woman. But seriously, it's very hard to get into a healthy relationship without having that inner light switched on, or at least at a reasonable luminosity!

 

I think we are all far more magnetic to everyone when we're pursuing our loves and finding joy in life, however we do that. I tried a lot of different things to revive myself and get involved in the world and my city again after a hard breakup a few years ago, and then my longest single period ever - volunteering with homeless kids, meditation groups on the beach, brainy lectures about science with lots of cute nerdy guys there. haha

 

I have more going on now, and I'm just a more interesting person to talk to. I don't make my boyfriend or my friends or anyone 50% responsible for holding up my happiness - that's too much pressure! I go after my own happiness, support them in going for theirs, and the natural product is a better life.

 

Get that inner light cranked up however you can. It's the best way to meet cool people and enjoy life more

[edgygirl]

edgygirl, I know how hard it can be to motivate yourself to have an active social life when you're single and lonely. I totally relate to feeling much more lit up when I have a man in my life who inspires me to be a fantastic woman. But seriously, it's very hard to get into a healthy relationship without having that inner light switched on, or at least at a reasonable luminosity!

 

I think we are all far more magnetic to everyone when we're pursuing our loves and finding joy in life, however we do that. I tried a lot of different things to revive myself and get involved in the world and my city again after a hard breakup a few years ago, and then my longest single period ever - volunteering with homeless kids, meditation groups on the beach, brainy lectures about science with lots of cute nerdy guys there. haha

 

I have more going on now, and I'm just a more interesting person to talk to. I don't make my boyfriend or my friends or anyone 50% responsible for holding up my happiness - that's too much pressure! I go after my own happiness, support them in going for theirs, and the natural product is a better life.

 

Get that inner light cranked up however you can. It's the best way to meet cool people and enjoy life more

 

Thank you for this Ruby. I think I've been following the Yellow Brick Road for too long and found out it's not as shiny as I thought. I'm sure you're familiar with the story

 

Time to find the luminosity inside again I used to have so much of it. I know it's still there somewhere. Thank you for reminding me <3

[runner]

 

Get that inner light cranked up however you can. It's the best way to meet cool people and enjoy life more

 

definitely.

 

which is also why it is important not get fixated on men/women that don't want to be with you, or who are not a good fit for you. it's the quickest way to dim that inner light.

[MrCastle]

This thread has some of the darkest, most negative posts I've seen here in a while.

 

Totally disagree with the idea behind the original post.

 

People can, and have, gone from no success to tons of success. I've seen it happen in the real world all the time. I'm living proof of it. No success in my teens and then did a complete 180 the last couple of years and have been stamped with a "player" label that I've been trying to shake off the past few months.

 

Anyone who believes that you have to accept being lonely and unsuccessful in dating forever needs a wake up call.

 

Work on yourself. People nerdier than you, uglier than you, poorer than you, shorter than you, dumber than you, fatter than you, lamer than you, are all out there getting laid.

Edited December 27, 2012 by MrCastle

[ThaWholigan]

Work on yourself. People nerdier than you, uglier than you, poorer than you, shorter than you, dumber than you, fatter than you, lamer than you, are all out there getting laid.

 

This..........