Some thoughts?

[Missing Him]

My boyfriend and I had been in a long-distance relationship for a long time. We were best friends long-distance for about six months and then together for about a year and four months. We had some rough patches but we always made it through, until this one. My boyfriend moved to a new city and started a new job, and I went to university. We were as far apart as we'd ever been but now with less time to talk to each other and less time to see each other. I knew that things were not right for a while. He got snippy with me and was always picking out flaws of mine. I could tell he was looking for a reason to dump me but was too unsure/attached to go through with it. So instead, I brought it up. He told me that he didn't want to break up with me. Then about a week later, we had another conversation and he decided to end it. He said that it was his first relationship and while he loved me and thought that we could still have a future together, he needed to take time to find out what he really wanted. He said that he wasn't unhappy with me and he still was in love with me and that nobody compared to me, but that he had doubts about the longevity of our relationship and that this was the only way he could address those doubts.

 

I was crushed. I did the begging and pleading thing (pathetically) for a few days, but then I realized that it wasn't going to change his mind and that it was only making both of us unhappy. He was extremely adamant about staying friends. I didn't want to lose him, so I considered it, but ultimately decided against it. But then every conversation that we had where I would say that we couldn't be friends, he would put out little messages of hope for me, things like: "Well I'll hold out hope that you change your mind" and "Both of us are hoping that we could be more again in the future." It made me feel like he wasn't sure about his decision, and so I stayed in the picture. I told him I was struggling with the decision to not be friends because I was upset at facing the fact that I wouldn't hear from him again, to which he responded: "Well that's not true, just so you know." Suggesting that he would try to get in contact with me. He has told me that I'm his best friend and that he doesn't want to lose me in his life, and that me not being there feels like a huge void. He said he thought maybe we should take a few days break (he suggested 5 days ) and then try to be friends.

 

Finally, yesterday, I told him my final decision that we could not be friends. It wasn't out of bitterness or because of some crazy motive, I just felt unhappy when I watched his life going on without me. There was a bit of fighting about things on both ends, and then he finally said "It sucks, but I understand." I felt bad about the way things ended so I sent him a quick message last night telling him that while I am sticking to my decision about not being friends, I understood his decision and that I loved him and I just wanted to be happy, and wished him a Merry Christmas. He responded wishing me a Merry Christmas, too.

 

I want him back, but me staying in his life isn't helping either of us, so I bowed out and am on the first real day of No Contact. I don't know if No Contact will bring him back to me, since he seems unsure about the decision, but I'm trying to not expect anything. Still, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want him back.

 

Do you think that now that I've initiated No Contact, there's a chance he'll come back? I want to be able to move on and to forget about him, but I love him and we had plans for the future that I loved and am just not finding easy to let go of

Edited December 25, 2012 by Missing Him

[TaraMaiden]

people who implement No Contact in the hope of re-attracting exes should really understand one thing:

 

It won't get them back.

Why?

Because that's not its purpose, not what it's for and not what you should be hoping.

 

Please read "The All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide!" In my signature. (link).

 

Then read it again.

 

And again.

 

And again.

 

And again.

 

And once more for luck.

 

Then copy, paste into Word, and print enough copies to completely paper your living space. Including the bathroom.

 

And carry a spare copy around with you at all times.

 

get the picture....?

 

It will work to help you move forward - but only if you work to move forward.

 

Any contact other than a phone call stating - in summary - "I'm so sorry, I want you back!" is just hot air.

[Missing Him]

I'm not initiating No Contact for the purpose of getting him back, I initiated it because I was unhappy with being his friend. Watching his life go on without me, even if it what he was doing wasn't much different than before, is too hard for me.

 

But he also has sent out a lot of breadcrumbs making me feel that he does want something in the future. I also want something in the future. My question is whether or not no contact is the right way to go with this and whether or not, based on what I've described, it's a possibility for him to come back. I just don't know myself. It's just so hard to let go of the hope, especially when he sometimes referred to this in our conversations as "a break."

 

I know that the best thing for me to do is to just move on with my life. It's just a lot easier said than done

Edited December 25, 2012 by Missing Him

[TaraMaiden]

Read.

The.

Guide.

 

It explains very succinctly what breadcrumbs are - and more importantly, why they 'throw' them.

 

It's not to 'stay friends'.

It's not to make you feel better.

it is wholly and entirely to make them feel better about thermselves.

 

You're doing the right thing - and anything from him - other than a sincere and contrite apology and a sincere request to be given another chance - is hot-hooey.

 

How long are you supposed to 'wait' for each other?

Can you date in the meantime?

Find another BF?

Hook up with them?

have sex with them, even?

 

And how about him?

Do you think he'll be happy to remain faithful/celibate until some unspecified, unidentified vague moment 'in the future'....?

 

Putting this proviso on one another is completely unreasonable, and leaves the whole thing in limbo - until sure as eggs is Easter, one of you will be bitterly crushed and disappointed.

 

No.

if you break - BREAK.

No 'some time in the future'.

 

If you both think 'some time in the future' - then work on the relationship, together, in joint relationship counselling - NOW. The future will never come, otherwise....

 

Otherwise, free each other, and live your lives.

[Missing Him]

So I made the mistake of trying to be his friend. I thought that by being his friend, I would be able to steer the relationship back in the direction that I wanted. I know that I was told here that it's a bad idea to try to stay friends and that it's an even worse idea to hold on to hope. So after a day of attempting to be friends, and seeing how bitterly disappointed I was, I am back on No Contact. This time, he knows that it's the only thing that I feel that I can do.

 

When I had the conversation with him, I was SO angry at him because I felt like it didn't have to come to this. We didn't HAVE to make the decision for me to just be out of his life. At the same time, he was right. It didn't make sense for either of us to hold on to hope. He told me straight-forward this time that he just couldn't be with me and he just didn't think this long-distance relationship would work. I agree, but I still wanted to make it work because he was my ideal man.

 

So now, I move on. The idea of a future with him is over. There will be no future with him. There will be no friendship with him. I'm crushed and I know that sticking to this will be the hardest thing that I've ever done, but I know that ultimately it needs to be done in order for me to be happy.

 

So as of right now, he and I are no longer speaking. He knows that I'm doing this to get over him so I think that he'll be respectful and not initiate contact, which makes it easier for me because I'm not sitting around waiting for an email or a phone call. I think even he realizes being friends is a bad idea, too, because he's hurting me. So even he has stopped suggesting it.

 

Maybe I was dumb and naive to think that I could have a future with him. I don't know. Well now, I don't. I don't have a future with him. And I need to keep telling myself that and move on...

[Samilia]

My boyfriend and I had been in a long-distance relationship for a long time. We were best friends long-distance for about six months and then together for about a year and four months. We had some rough patches but we always made it through, until this one. My boyfriend moved to a new city and started a new job, and I went to university. We were as far apart as we'd ever been but now with less time to talk to each other and less time to see each other. I knew that things were not right for a while. He got snippy with me and was always picking out flaws of mine. I could tell he was looking for a reason to dump me but was too unsure/attached to go through with it. So instead, I brought it up. He told me that he didn't want to break up with me. Then about a week later, we had another conversation and he decided to end it. He said that it was his first relationship and while he loved me and thought that we could still have a future together, he needed to take time to find out what he really wanted. He said that he wasn't unhappy with me and he still was in love with me and that nobody compared to me, but that he had doubts about the longevity of our relationship and that this was the only way he could address those doubts.

 

I was crushed. I did the begging and pleading thing (pathetically) for a few days, but then I realized that it wasn't going to change his mind and that it was only making both of us unhappy. He was extremely adamant about staying friends. I didn't want to lose him, so I considered it, but ultimately decided against it. But then every conversation that we had where I would say that we couldn't be friends, he would put out little messages of hope for me, things like: "Well I'll hold out hope that you change your mind" and "Both of us are hoping that we could be more again in the future." It made me feel like he wasn't sure about his decision, and so I stayed in the picture. I told him I was struggling with the decision to not be friends because I was upset at facing the fact that I wouldn't hear from him again, to which he responded: "Well that's not true, just so you know." Suggesting that he would try to get in contact with me. He has told me that I'm his best friend and that he doesn't want to lose me in his life, and that me not being there feels like a huge void. He said he thought maybe we should take a few days break (he suggested 5 days ) and then try to be friends.

 

Finally, yesterday, I told him my final decision that we could not be friends. It wasn't out of bitterness or because of some crazy motive, I just felt unhappy when I watched his life going on without me. There was a bit of fighting about things on both ends, and then he finally said "It sucks, but I understand." I felt bad about the way things ended so I sent him a quick message last night telling him that while I am sticking to my decision about not being friends, I understood his decision and that I loved him and I just wanted to be happy, and wished him a Merry Christmas. He responded wishing me a Merry Christmas, too.

 

I want him back, but me staying in his life isn't helping either of us, so I bowed out and am on the first real day of No Contact. I don't know if No Contact will bring him back to me, since he seems unsure about the decision, but I'm trying to not expect anything. Still, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want him back.

 

Do you think that now that I've initiated No Contact, there's a chance he'll come back? I want to be able to move on and to forget about him, but I love him and we had plans for the future that I loved and am just not finding easy to let go of

 

Well he won't know he's missing you if you stick around.

 

LDRs suck, I don't see them going anywhere unless one of you move to the same city. But he broke up, so I'd personally move on with my life for good, not just in the hope that he'd be back. I mean the guy is in another city, not like he can really "be back" anyway.

[Missing Him]

It's true. I was the one that was planning to move. After I finished school I was planning to move in with him. I see the issue though, this was both of our first relationships and being in a position where we have to commit to moving in with each other after not having gotten to experience other things was a recipe for disaster. Still, it hurts. I was madly in love with him.

 

I understand now though that I just need to move on...

[Samilia]

Don't get into a LDR again. I know it sometimes "just happens" but if a guy tells you he lives three states away, wish him a good drive back and leave it at that.

You were missing out on all the good stuff, kisses, sex, movies, restaurant, etc etc... now you can get it all, that's a good thing.

[Missing Him]

It's been a little over two weeks since the break up, but this is only Day 3 of No Contact. For two weeks we went back and forth. I tried to get him to change his mind, then I tried to be his friend because that's what he asked for, and then I tried to find closure. None of that worked. It all came to a head Saturday night when I had an emotional meltdown with him on Skype. He was there for me, supportive like always... I don't know whether out of guilt & obligation or because he does genuinely care for me. Anyway I should have just listened from the start and gone No Contact right away, but I've learned my lesson and am doing it now. Today is Day 3. It's such a rollercoaster. I think about him every second of the day, but sometimes I'm a little happier than others.

 

He didn't text me for New Years, I think because he realized what it was doing to me. Or who knows? Maybe because he hooked up and forgot about me? I don't know, but I am proud of myself for not messaging or calling him, which is what I would have done at the start of this.

 

I still sometimes check certain internet things to see if he's online, but I'm working at not doing that. One step at a time.