Hopeful83 Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Hey everyone. I am very confused about an ex boyfriend and need sound advice. I posted on the breakup section many months ago when the relationship ended. I was with my ex for a little less than a year... it was a very heated passionate relationship, he seemed very happy and in love with me, i on the other hand was not happy. At the time I didnt know why, now looking back I see it was commitment issues and immaturity on my part. He was serious and ready to settle down etc where i was flighty and only wanted out... Our relationship ended in a very upsetting way, and he almost immediately began dating another girl... I have struggled with overwhelming sadness over the ending of this relationship, prompting me to seek therapy for why I treated him the way I did. I am learning so much and I have grown tremendously from this, but the deep feeling i still have for my ex remain. In my heart I would love a second chance. Recently He has called me a few times telling me how he feels he jumped in too quickly with his new gf and simply didnt have deep feelings for her like he had for me. He says life with her feels like a "business deal" (he desperately wants a wife/family/kids etc) and she loves him and is wanting that too. I asked him if he would ever consider a second chance with me.. he cried and said he would love it. I have not come out and said i want to get back together, but i have told him i still have feelings and pray fate will bring us together when the timing is right. I dont want to be with him right now even though i love him deeply (i want to be healthy, and right now it is my main concern). My concern is should i question his character for telling me things like that when he is in a serious relationship? He is not trying to get with me.. we live on different coasts, but it is very confusing. I do not contact him... but he has reached out twice in the past few weeks... thanks for any advice!! here is the link to the original thread that has a little more detail http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/317474-i-am-dumper-female-commitment-phobe-i-made-huge-mistake
Author Hopeful83 Posted December 27, 2012 Author Posted December 27, 2012 littlemiss- thanks for the response! he said she knows how much he loved me- he even said she wishes he felt the way about her that he did about me. It all sounded very sad. I asked him what if she knew what he was saying to me... he said she would obviously be devastated. It sounded like she is pretty aware that he always cared deeply for me... he said he cant deny anymore that he cant get over me. but its a mind **** bc they are still together.... I think the timing is bad for us... i would love a second chance.. a year down the road.... and i will NOT be the cause of someones breakup. i just dont know what to think.
shalisha42 Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 Hey everyone. I am very confused about an ex boyfriend and need sound advice. I posted on the breakup section many months ago when the relationship ended. I was with my ex for a little less than a year... it was a very heated passionate relationship, he seemed very happy and in love with me, i on the other hand was not happy. At the time I didnt know why, now looking back I see it was commitment issues and immaturity on my part. He was serious and ready to settle down etc where i was flighty and only wanted out... Our relationship ended in a very upsetting way, and he almost immediately began dating another girl... I have struggled with overwhelming sadness over the ending of this relationship, prompting me to seek therapy for why I treated him the way I did. I am learning so much and I have grown tremendously from this, but the deep feeling i still have for my ex remain. In my heart I would love a second chance. Recently He has called me a few times telling me how he feels he jumped in too quickly with his new gf and simply didnt have deep feelings for her like he had for me. He says life with her feels like a "business deal" (he desperately wants a wife/family/kids etc) and she loves him and is wanting that too. I asked him if he would ever consider a second chance with me.. he cried and said he would love it. I have not come out and said i want to get back together, but i have told him i still have feelings and pray fate will bring us together when the timing is right. I dont want to be with him right now even though i love him deeply (i want to be healthy, and right now it is my main concern). My concern is should i question his character for telling me things like that when he is in a serious relationship? He is not trying to get with me.. we live on different coasts, but it is very confusing. I do not contact him... but he has reached out twice in the past few weeks... thanks for any advice!! here is the link to the original thread that has a little more detail http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/317474-i-am-dumper-female-commitment-phobe-i-made-huge-mistake It sounds like you don't deserve this guy. You can't accept love from another person because you don't love yourself. Leave him alone before you cause him more heartbreak! He may still have feelings for you, but you are clearly not ready for a relationship with someone who cares deeply for you. I would imagine that if this guy treated you like garbage, you'd be pining for him like no other! You told him you prayed fate would bring you together? That sounds like such an evasion of your responsibility for your own feelings. You are playing head games with this man. The decent thing to do would be to leave him alone and stay out of his life. You're questioning his character? You should question your own morals and motives. This guy loved you with all his heart. He hasn't gotten over you obviously. I don't think you deserved him. I read your first post by the way about this issue when it happened in March. 3
Tiera D Posted December 31, 2012 Posted December 31, 2012 agree with the above poster, you still have not reach the emotional maturity yet and you are so similar to an ex i love to this day a commitment phobic,but atleast she is taking steps to making commitment now,and i read your other thread as well you leave him alone,because you clearly do not know what is love about.What a waste.. TD
Author Hopeful83 Posted January 8, 2013 Author Posted January 8, 2013 thank yall for your replies! my big concern is as i mentioned in my previous post... i broke up with him multiple times while we were together- i had serious trust issues. There was an incident where when i broke up with him (one of the probably 17 times!) where he slept with his ex girlfriend. my tryst issues were all in relation to his ex, and then that happened and it shattered things for me. And what is sad is I have been in therapy trying to resolve the issues on my end and I feel very much love for him- but after doing that I am very scared I couldnt trust him. I mean he is probably telling his current gf how much he loves her and then he called me multiple times confessing his undying love. It is very hard to decipher what is going on here- is he truly in love with me and he just acted out when we were together by doing that bc i broke up with him so much? or is he just one of thsoe guys who strings girls along. I am a different person now than I was then, but I am scared of him and feel very vulnerable- i would love it if he would give us a second chance... but i just wonder if too much damage has been done by both parties. I honestly dont blame him for doing what he did with his ex... I was the biggest bitch and deserved it, however, I am afraid it shattered a chance for a second chance. I just dont know it makes me so sad and confused. what would you all do? What is killing me the most is wondering what we could have been like together had I have been as emotinally invested as he was...
shalisha42 Posted January 8, 2013 Posted January 8, 2013 thank yall for your replies! my big concern is as i mentioned in my previous post... i broke up with him multiple times while we were together- i had serious trust issues. There was an incident where when i broke up with him (one of the probably 17 times!) where he slept with his ex girlfriend. my tryst issues were all in relation to his ex, and then that happened and it shattered things for me. And what is sad is I have been in therapy trying to resolve the issues on my end and I feel very much love for him- but after doing that I am very scared I couldnt trust him. I mean he is probably telling his current gf how much he loves her and then he called me multiple times confessing his undying love. It is very hard to decipher what is going on here- is he truly in love with me and he just acted out when we were together by doing that bc i broke up with him so much? or is he just one of thsoe guys who strings girls along. I am a different person now than I was then, but I am scared of him and feel very vulnerable- i would love it if he would give us a second chance... but i just wonder if too much damage has been done by both parties. I honestly dont blame him for doing what he did with his ex... I was the biggest bitch and deserved it, however, I am afraid it shattered a chance for a second chance. I just dont know it makes me so sad and confused. what would you all do? What is killing me the most is wondering what we could have been like together had I have been as emotinally invested as he was... I'm confused. Why do you want a second chance with someone who: A) You don't trust B) You broke up with "17 times" You don't have confidence in yourself. You don't trust him because you have your own issues. If you were confident in his love for you, you wouldn't be so jealous. If he broke up with you, he had the right to sleep with his ex! So where is there confusion? You don't trust him so move on. You're making it sound like HE's the problem. He's not. YOU are the problem. Either trust him and get back together, or leave him alone and move on. Nothing he does is going to convince you anyway because you're insecure. So leave him alone and deal with your own issues.
Tiera D Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 OP how long are you going to ignore us subconsciously.When are you going to see Your the problem besides 17 times is too much.. TD
shalisha42 Posted January 9, 2013 Posted January 9, 2013 littlemiss- thanks for the response! he said she knows how much he loved me- he even said she wishes he felt the way about her that he did about me. It all sounded very sad. I asked him what if she knew what he was saying to me... he said she would obviously be devastated. It sounded like she is pretty aware that he always cared deeply for me... he said he cant deny anymore that he cant get over me. but its a mind **** bc they are still together.... I think the timing is bad for us... i would love a second chance.. a year down the road.... and i will NOT be the cause of someones breakup. i just dont know what to think. What difference does it make how he feels? You can't accept anyone that loves you. I'm sure you feel more comfortable with the guy that treats you like garbage - doesn't call, doesn't take you out on dates, calls you names, ignores you and rejects you.
Lone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Leave him be. U clearly dont know what you want. find yourself and get happy within yourself. MAYBE then you can try again with him. But if u have any love/respect for him as a person you will let him be until you are ready for him and you again. The risk is that at this point he might not want you anymore. Its cruel to keep in touch with him when u know how he feels and what he wants but also konw you dont want the same. stop using him to make yourself feel better.
shalisha42 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Leave him be. U clearly dont know what you want. find yourself and get happy within yourself. MAYBE then you can try again with him. But if u have any love/respect for him as a person you will let him be until you are ready for him and you again. The risk is that at this point he might not want you anymore. Its cruel to keep in touch with him when u know how he feels and what he wants but also konw you dont want the same. stop using him to make yourself feel better. She doesn't care. Someone like her is only concerned about her own feelings. She posts about it being "sad" that he still pines for her (martyrdom) yet is the cause of the problem. It bothers me when posters post things like this.
Lone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 She doesn't care. Someone like her is only concerned about her own feelings. She posts about it being "sad" that he still pines for her (martyrdom) yet is the cause of the problem. It bothers me when posters post things like this. I agree. Especially since I have been 'that guy'. Hell im him right now. Is she looking for sympathy? She needs to stop contacting him and sort herself out. Whatever happens will happen but priority number one should be to find herself and get happy by herself. Egging him along is only hurting him, his partner and indirectly herself if she does think its sad.
shalisha42 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 I agree. Especially since I have been 'that guy'. Hell im him right now. Is she looking for sympathy? She needs to stop contacting him and sort herself out. Whatever happens will happen but priority number one should be to find herself and get happy by herself. Egging him along is only hurting him, his partner and indirectly herself if she does think its sad. What happened in your case?
Lone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 What happened in your case? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/365903-had-lunch-ex-yesterday-now-what-5.html have a read.
Author Hopeful83 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 hey yall sorry for the delay im just catching up with the replies... Thank you all for your input! I probably should have gone into a little more detail because there is alot of misconceptions... when we broke up last march.. i realized very quickly that it was my issues that caused the majority of our problems. i immediately went nc because i understood his feelings and knew contact on either of our parts was not good. i also immediately sought counseling every week to figure out why i have such deep seated commitment/self esteem issues. the problem was not him, it truly was me. I have not had ANY contact with him since the day we ended it last march, but last month i had a recurrance of a brain tumor i have been struggling with for years and he called me 3 times to talk and that is when he told me his feelings (whether he still loves me or not i am unsyre of, it could have honestly been out of concern for my health more than naything). After all the counseling and time i realize i do love him very much, however i am accutely aware of the pain i caused him and us and am mortified for us to go through it again so i honestly dont know what the hell to do. He is in what seems to be a very serious relationship (they live together). The tables have turned on this and I honestly dont think he is the one in pain over this, I am the vulnerable one this time. I love him very much and am very afraid that if we did try again, that he might not feel the same because the dynamic is now different. I am absolutely pining for him now and have been all year, its been a silent sadness because i know how much pain i caused him,I know exactl where i went wrong, why it happened, and what would have to change for things to be different. and i will not contact him or do anything that would ever effect his chance at happiness with his relationship. i do love him dearly, sometimes you have to totally lose something before you know what you had. I will say though it does make me wonder how sincere of a person he could be confessing love to someone while he is in a serious committed relationship with someone else. thanks again for all your replies... this is a tremendous learning experience and you all are helping me alot.
Author Hopeful83 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 oh and Lone i just wanted to add... dont give up hope- i said the exact things last march to my ex- and what I would give now to have a second chance and him love me like he used to. I know it may feel impossible right now- but time and losing someones love can truly change a person. The most important thing though.. the person has to realize first where they went wrong, and then they may need to seek help as to why they acted a certain way. Try and move on for now and live your own life, but im telling you my life is living proof that peoples feelings can change. hang in there!
shalisha42 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 hey yall sorry for the delay im just catching up with the replies... Thank you all for your input! I probably should have gone into a little more detail because there is alot of misconceptions... when we broke up last march.. i realized very quickly that it was my issues that caused the majority of our problems. i immediately went nc because i understood his feelings and knew contact on either of our parts was not good. i also immediately sought counseling every week to figure out why i have such deep seated commitment/self esteem issues. the problem was not him, it truly was me. I have not had ANY contact with him since the day we ended it last march, but last month i had a recurrance of a brain tumor i have been struggling with for years and he called me 3 times to talk and that is when he told me his feelings (whether he still loves me or not i am unsyre of, it could have honestly been out of concern for my health more than naything). After all the counseling and time i realize i do love him very much, however i am accutely aware of the pain i caused him and us and am mortified for us to go through it again so i honestly dont know what the hell to do. He is in what seems to be a very serious relationship (they live together). The tables have turned on this and I honestly dont think he is the one in pain over this, I am the vulnerable one this time. I love him very much and am very afraid that if we did try again, that he might not feel the same because the dynamic is now different. I am absolutely pining for him now and have been all year, its been a silent sadness because i know how much pain i caused him,I know exactl where i went wrong, why it happened, and what would have to change for things to be different. and i will not contact him or do anything that would ever effect his chance at happiness with his relationship. i do love him dearly, sometimes you have to totally lose something before you know what you had. I will say though it does make me wonder how sincere of a person he could be confessing love to someone while he is in a serious committed relationship with someone else. thanks again for all your replies... this is a tremendous learning experience and you all are helping me alot. How did he know you had a brain tumor if you hadn't been in contact with him? BTW, this post is still all about how you feel. You claim you know what you did wrong, but that hasn't stopped you from playing games with him. You're questioning his sincerity when you've been toying with him all along? Stop playing these games. On the one hand you say you know he loves you and then in the next breath you're not sure how he feels or if he's just saying it. You don't know what to do? Leave him alone. Like I said, someone like you belongs with the kinds of men that forget to call, only call when they want to have sex, stand you up, talk down to you, talk about you behind your back. You cannot handle a good man like the one you're referencing. It's obvious. Please stop analyzing him.
shalisha42 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 @hopeful: "....The tables have turned on this and I honestly dont think he is the one in pain over this, I am the vulnerable one this time. I love him very much and am very afraid that if we did try again, that he might not feel the same because the dynamic is now different...." See. Your quote lends credence to my observation and statement that you can only love men who are unavailable and/or treat you badly.
Lone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 oh and Lone i just wanted to add... dont give up hope- i said the exact things last march to my ex- and what I would give now to have a second chance and him love me like he used to. I know it may feel impossible right now- but time and losing someones love can truly change a person. The most important thing though.. the person has to realize first where they went wrong, and then they may need to seek help as to why they acted a certain way. Try and move on for now and live your own life, but im telling you my life is living proof that peoples feelings can change. hang in there! Thanks for the clarification. Well all i can say is if he contacts you again perhaps ask him honestly why he is doing it. Is it out of concern for your health? or perhaps he does still wish to be with you... I completely appreciate the fact you dont want to hurt him again. But if there is still some love floating around between both of you i do think it can be reignited. And thank you so so much for your kind words. This is what my plan is at the moment. To focus on me. Let her be and just see - unintentional rhyme. Did you read my thread? Of course i hope for another go at it with her but have accepted that there is literally NOTHING i can do to facilitate this. Ive even been told that the absolute best thing i can is actually MOVE ON if i want her back which goes against every grain in my body but what ive been doing isnt working so i cant continue to do the same things and expect different results. I can only hope. Im just scared that hope will hold me back... something you said struck a cord with me... you said "Sometimes you have to totally lose something before you realise how much it meant to you"... this makes me think that because she knows i still care and want her she may not realise how much we meant. brings me back to the moving on aspect. once she realises ive moved on maybe she will realise? i dont know... wishful thinking perhaps.
Author Hopeful83 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 @shalisha- we both work for a very small company and have many mutual friends.. that is how he found out... I have no problem recognizing where i went wrong, i have not contacted him nor have i toyed with him in any way post breakup.The only 3 times i have spoken to him are when he called me. I have sought conseling and have analyzed every second of where i went wrong. I honestly dont think its fair to be judging me so much, so many people come on here asking for help, but will not recognize where they went wrong or try to help themselves. I am trying to help myself so I wont make these mistakes again with him or in an future relationships. I am very supportive of contrstuctive criticism, that is the only way we can become aware of where we need to improve, but Im honestly struggling to see what point you are trying to make by consistently talking down to me? I am here seriously asking for advice on how I can resolve my issues. I am all ears for any advice that can continue to help me not ever do that again, I am only human.
Author Hopeful83 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 Hey lone! i absolutely read your thread.. that is why i felt the need to comment. when i was with my ex, i felt like i wasnt in love with him.. i tried and tried to find a spark because he was so much fun and sweet etc. So i know ALL too well how a girl can say what your ex said, but have a total change of heart in just a short time. If theres one thing I can advise to you that has been helping me recently,, is reading 'the secret' by rhonda byrne. i dont know how spiritual you are, but its actually a beautiful read and really makes sense especially in relationships. yes it is important that you move on if possible, but what i have learned from reading the secret is this. you must be open to the best person possible for you. and the beautiful thing about that is... that could easily be her! so when people tell you you must move on from her to get her back, i dont feel that is the truth! because what you are feeling is a beautiful, special thing. love like that doesnt come along every day... so in your mind and heart, just be open to the best person for you.. and either way you will win in the end, because either it will come back around and have a beautiful second chance with her, or someone you fall even MORE in love with will come along. But dont exhaust yourself in trying to move on from her- I know ALL too well how emotionally damn exhausting that is. When I get really sad.. I read a website (secrettv.com - secret Resources and Information. i think is it) and they have testimonials on there of relationships that have been restored. its a really inspiring read and helps through those dark moments that we know all too well. and again dont exhaust yourself trying to move on emotionally from this girl, just be open to the best girl for you! which like i said could easily be her. god bless!!
shalisha42 Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 @shalisha- we both work for a very small company and have many mutual friends.. that is how he found out... I have no problem recognizing where i went wrong, i have not contacted him nor have i toyed with him in any way post breakup.The only 3 times i have spoken to him are when he called me. I have sought conseling and have analyzed every second of where i went wrong. I honestly dont think its fair to be judging me so much, so many people come on here asking for help, but will not recognize where they went wrong or try to help themselves. I am trying to help myself so I wont make these mistakes again with him or in an future relationships. I am very supportive of contrstuctive criticism, that is the only way we can become aware of where we need to improve, but Im honestly struggling to see what point you are trying to make by consistently talking down to me? I am here seriously asking for advice on how I can resolve my issues. I am all ears for any advice that can continue to help me not ever do that again, I am only human. What bothers me is that you're asking for "help" and clearly you are incapable of doing anything with this man. You keep telling us you want him back, but are afraid to let him know it because you "caused him so much pain in the past." So what do you want from us exactly? So either you know what you want to do and you're going to tell him you want him back, or you're going to stop whining on here and telling us how "sad" it is that you're still pining for this guy. Either way, take an action.
Lone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 Hey lone! i absolutely read your thread.. that is why i felt the need to comment. when i was with my ex, i felt like i wasnt in love with him.. i tried and tried to find a spark because he was so much fun and sweet etc. So i know ALL too well how a girl can say what your ex said, but have a total change of heart in just a short time. If theres one thing I can advise to you that has been helping me recently,, is reading 'the secret' by rhonda byrne. i dont know how spiritual you are, but its actually a beautiful read and really makes sense especially in relationships. yes it is important that you move on if possible, but what i have learned from reading the secret is this. you must be open to the best person possible for you. and the beautiful thing about that is... that could easily be her! so when people tell you you must move on from her to get her back, i dont feel that is the truth! because what you are feeling is a beautiful, special thing. love like that doesnt come along every day... so in your mind and heart, just be open to the best person for you.. and either way you will win in the end, because either it will come back around and have a beautiful second chance with her, or someone you fall even MORE in love with will come along. But dont exhaust yourself in trying to move on from her- I know ALL too well how emotionally damn exhausting that is. When I get really sad.. I read a website (secrettv.com - secret Resources and Information. i think is it) and they have testimonials on there of relationships that have been restored. its a really inspiring read and helps through those dark moments that we know all too well. and again dont exhaust yourself trying to move on emotionally from this girl, just be open to the best girl for you! which like i said could easily be her. god bless!! Thank you. Its not that im going out of my way to move on. Its not like there is a switch you can turn on and off (unfortunately). All I'm saying is that I'm going NC and letting her be. She knows how I feel/what I want. IF she wants to reconcile she knows how to contact me. What made you realise you had made a mistake? Are you sure you actually love him now that you haven't been with him even though you didn't when you were? Could it just be that you realise you may have lost him so just want what you cant have? I have to let her go. Focus on me and whatever happens will happen right? Like you said either way it will work out for the best no matter what happens... I must say i agree with shalisha. You should let your feelings be known. All he can do is say no. Perhaps write a letter or email. But only say what you mean. say what your afraid of - i.e. he wont love you again as much. Just be honest with him and yourself.
Author Hopeful83 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 well its not that simple. he is in a very serious relationship and i will have no part in disrespecting her, him or myself. I would love to have him back and have a second chance, but if it happens it will only be because he simply isnt fully in love with her. I have deep respect for peoples relationships, even if i care alot about him. He has to figure out his own emotions, regardless of me. It doesnt seem to me like we could ever build a strong foundation for a second chance if it starts out with a messy breakup with his current gf. I caused so much drama the last go round, I really want us to have a serious chance this time and I want to do whatever is best. Its just hard because I dont know what to do- i do think he cares- and i care- but hes got a gf who loves him dearly. I have never been anywhere near a situation like this before. I dont even know where to begin. All i know is i never ever want to repeat what happened again.
Lone Posted January 10, 2013 Posted January 10, 2013 you should tell him exactly that. and then leave it. say you dont expect a response - but u will get one. he told you himself he isnt happy with her. What made you realise you had made a mistake?
Author Hopeful83 Posted January 10, 2013 Author Posted January 10, 2013 @lone- well the reason I know its love is because Ive gone to a therapist and simply time... Ive had exes in the past who got in new relationships quicker and i was sad bc they moved on quicker- but that feeling passed. This will not go away no matter how hard i try to move away from it or how much i try to move on. It really sucks on my end because if i had just felt this way then then maybe we would still be together. but in a way im really grateful for this time apart.. because not only has it given me a chance to see what im missing out on, but i think it has made him see that too. I was truly shocked to hear from him again.. he appeared so happy and in love- his gf is a wonderful girl- if i could have hand picked somoene for him.. it would be her. life is a crazy thing... a crazy beautiful thing!
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