Screwing Up A Short Term Relationship

[styx69]

Hi all,

 

Here's my story. I screwed up a short term relationship with my GF. I'm 23, she's 24. We're in college now (masters), together in the same program. This is my first experience of dating someone. You can say that I lived in a shell before all these happened. Around a month ago, I started asking her out: going to the movies and visiting the zoo in the town, in the weekends. In the meantime, I helped her with her studies. I'm quite good at my programme and have helped a lot of people, partly in trying to impress her. Eventually, we regularly skyped, discussing about studies, and having small talks.

 

So, after my third date (if it can be called a date), I asked her if she wants to be my GF. She hung me, saying that she wanted to get to know me better first. Then I ok'd her, and we continued going out in the weekends.

 

I don't know if it helps in our relationship, but at one point, she got very sick, and I went to her flat, giving soup and some medicine. Later, her mom was impressed of me, and she cooked lunch for both of us, and we both had lunch together.

 

I put her in my group for a semester project. Besides her, I was with 2 of my flatmates. Basically, toward the end, results are not yet ready, and the three of us (me and my flatmates) had to work the most out of it, and couldn't involve her 'cause we're working like crazy till midnight for 2 straight days.

 

In between the time, I managed to go out with her for a brunch, asking her to come to join us. Then, kissed her when walking her to the train station that would get her home. I think she didn't feel comfortable with that. But she acted as usual and came to our flat anyway, though only for a short time, while the three of us continued working till midnight.

 

I got burned out after it's done, and the next day, on 4th December, I met her and asked her out. She was cold to me that day. It was the first time. We had an assignment due tomorrow. We've finished ours and she wanted me to check it. I asked her to go out after we've finished checking her assignment. She said later, after the assignment. She also wanted to go to 2 workshops that day. So, I followed her (maybe this somewhat discomforted her, as we didn't plan to go together).

 

After the first one, she went home, and instead of checking her assignment together, she sent me hers by email. I checked it, sent it back, saying it's alright, then asked her again. But now, she refused and saying that instead she wanted to go to the gym. When we met again later for the 2nd workshop, I kind of plead to her to go out. I had never done this before. She kept her stance. Finally, after it's finished, she went to the gym. And I asked that at least I wanted to walk her home, and told her to call me after she's done. She said ok. I waited for her.

 

This is where I screwed it up. Around 15 minutes later, I got a text message saying that I should go home and don't wait for her. I knew something was wrong, and started to apologize to her for everything that I could think of, and saying that I only wanted to spend some time with her that day. Then she answered that she didn't have the same feeling as I did.

 

I got so confused and devastated that I went to her flat, and texted her that I was around and I wanted to talk to her. She didn't want to see me, and she didn't like being ambushed. Ok, I went home in shame.

 

Then I skyped her saying I'm sorry, don't let this compromise the project. I was also saying that when I asked her to be my GF, I wanted to say I love her, but now I know that I don't deserve it. Of course, she replied that I overreacted, that she would not let this compromise the project, and that we should forget about this. I ok'd, and asked to meet her the next day to straight things up. She replied no, 'cause she alread felt extremely uncomfortable.

 

Then I put an NC in effect, well maybe LC. We met in class, but said nothing. Only time we talked was when we further discussed about project presentation. Last Friday, I met her again in the bookstore. A classmate was putting a party that day. I asked her if se's going, and that's it.

 

At the party, I started a small talk with her. Asking how's exam (we had two exams that week, and more in January later), and when she's gonna go back to her home (both of us are from outside the country, and also from different countries). She asked me what I'm gonna do during holiday. I answered that I already have plans. That's it.

 

Yesterday, I emailed her a Christmas and happy new year greeting while wishing safe journey home. I asked her not to blame herself for the project as her somewhat minimal involvement was due to bad coordination from me and my flatmates.

I also said to let the year behind and start a new one with high and renewed hopes, and that she can pursue her research interest next year, which she couldn't do (it's one of our team project's topic, but the majority of our group flagged it). She just answered the greetings, saying some joke about my research interest and that I can pursue it next year, but didn't bring up the subject about the group project.

 

Ok, so here I am texting to you guys. I'm struggling with NC here, and I'm still thinking that our relationship deserves another chance, mainly because I screwed up.

 

I know what my faults are. I have become too needy and clingy to her. Then there's the matter of the term project. For further information, she's serious about the program, and really wants to get something out of it. She's a Greek, and she's told me that she would not be able to return to her country in the nearby time to find a job. Although serious, she still likes to party from time to time, but she can limit and control herself.

 

What I wanted to ask you guys is that, what I should do and what I should have done.

 

In my mind, I think I'm gonna hold as long as I can. I'm gonna show to her that I'm not needy anymore. How? By acting cool and calm when I meet her.

 

But then, I also want to help her going through the exam. There's one course that has a 50% failure rate. I have to admit that I excel at that one, while she may not be in a good position.

 

If the time is right, maybe after she's returned from home, I will offer my help. Then, I will help her as I can and get through the exam together. After that, it will be another NC unless she calls to me first. What do you think?

 

Also, about her saying that she doesn't feel this way to me that day, well, we all know the saying that you can't trust what a girl said. I've said to her that it was my first time dating someone. I'm really hoping that she understands that, and that by that, she didn't mean to not feel anything at all towards me.

 

I mean, she has opened herself to me when we were going out. So, I'm hoping here that this is something repairable, and that the relationship can continue sometime in the future.

Edited December 25, 2012 by styx69

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

It's hard to see three rather casual dates in a month, a refusal to commit and a discomfort with kissing as a relationship. I don't really see anything in your post that indicates that she was attracted to you. You're right that your problem is neediness and clinginess. I mean here's a recap of the 4th December:

 

You meet her and ask her out.

You ask her out again.

You follow her through a workshop.

You ask her out again (third time that day).

You meet her for the second workshop, once again asking her out on a date.

You ask if you can walk her home and if she can call you after.

She texts no and you go into a flurry of apologies - asking her out AGAIN.

You go to her flat, ask her to meet with you to talk.

When you get home you Skype her apologizing again. Incredibly, you again ask if she can see you the next day.

 

WTF man! You were just stuck on her shoe like a gum wrapper. This girl just thinks you're incredibly annoying.

 

Can't you see the one reason she puts up with you from time to time is that you're basically her tutor and her ticket to graduation?

 

A year ago I also thought I could get close to a couple of girls by tutoring them. Big mistake. Dumb mistake.

 

Hell, when I was 15 I had a crush on this girl in my class all the way to graduation, and I thought I could attract her by giving her my photocopied notes on the days she didn't come. You can't win a girl over by doing stuff for her. If only that was the way it worked... it's just naïve.

 

You haven't been able to get yourself to stop contacting/approaching her since she basically told you you're just a friend, and even now you're planning all the things you want to help her with for nothing, thinking it'll melt her up for you. It doesn't work like that.

 

Yes she used you, and you were needy and clingy, but the main thing here is that it was never a relationship. It was only a relationship to you.

 

Anyway, congratulations on being a grad student at 23. I'm 24 and still waddling through my undergraduateship.

[veggirl]

I have to agree I don't think she was ever all that interested and you creeped her out with your...intensity.

 

The only shot you have now is to go full NC and never contact her again, let her come to you if she so desires.

 

In the future, make a move to kiss sooner, like 2nd date at the latest. And NEVER ask someone to be your girlfriend on date #3! Way too soon! when she said no to that, you should have backed waaay off, not become Mr Clingy.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, it's definitely not a relationship and it doesn't really even sound like they were dates at all. There's nothing from what you posted that suggests that she was interested at all.