VioletSummer Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Okay so I've been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for just over 3 months, we've known each other for 4. It's going really well, we're really compatible and we have a great time whenever we're together. But I made the mistake most guys make which is asking for more details about her sexual past when it came up in conversation *whoops*. Basically she's been with 3 boys, one of them was a relationship she was with for a year... they broke up in January of 2012. Since then she's slept with two other boys, one of which was just after her breakup. The last of the boys she slept with was under a month before we started talking to each other (she still didn't know me at this point). She slept with this guy in the back of a car after going out to a nightclub. Now it's ONLY the last guy that gets me down, it's because it was so close to us beginning to talk. I've tried talking to her about it but she gets annoyed because she regrets it and tells me that I shouldn't bring it up because "I should know that I'm the only person that matters to her". Yes, I know my thoughts are irrational but they're there. And since I really do like her, I'm committed to getting over these thoughts and making her a very happy girl. But all the while I'm down about it I fear I'll end up pushing her away and she doesn't deserve that because she's such a nice girl. Advice on how to get over it?
salparadise Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 (edited) The first thing you need to do is turn on the filter so that every thought that passes through your head doesn't automatically come out of your mouth. The second thing is to dispel the irrational belief that precipitates irrational thoughts. The reality is (the rational way to think), with very few exceptions, everyone has history and as time marches forward every new partner's history will be more lengthly and probably more complex. It's an inseparable part of a person that didn't involve you, is not about you now, and you can't do a damn thing to change it. The past is fixed in time and cannot be altered; the future only exists in your imagination; however, the present is real. Make good choices in this moment and quit obsessing over everything else. Edited December 25, 2012 by salparadise 3
betterdeal Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Well, she's with you now, so that's a good thing, right? The other guys lost out and you're the winner. Seems something to be happy about, right? Start by conciously telling yourself the above and over time it will become ingrained, and you'll get your confidence back. Thoughts and feelings drive each other, so if you can intervene in one, you can change the course of the other. Turn your vicious circle into a virtuous circle. 1
sid3 Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Take her out to a night club then bang the Hell out her in the back seat of your car. That should make you feel better.
Author VioletSummer Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 Damn. If ONLY her crystal ball had been working that night, she would have had the cosmic knowledge that she'd be meeting you in the next month or so, and could have run home and read her Bible instead. Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Dear god, you're right! I'll just stop feeling what I'm feeling now and get over it. Oh wait, that's not how it works. I don't choose to feel like this and I don't choose to dwell on the past. Thanks to the others who have provided advice up to this point, however :-) 3
dreamingoftigers Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Honestly, It's not so bad to have asked unless it is something that will permanently dampen your relationship. I wish I had been told more of my husband past before we married. As time wears on, you get more comfortable in the R and see that the past doesn't really affect (effect?) it. At that point you will be desensitized to the car incident AND you will know that your gf was honest and forthcoming about these things. My R (although troubled later on) was kind of funny because I only had two full sexual partners before my H. He had had 60 or so including lots of sick stuff that made me cringe. But he had trouble with my past LOL.
KungFuJoe Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Well that's made me feel pretty upset. Although it maybe true, I genuinely don't see her as a slut. But I could be wrong, maybe she does get around. Who knows? Don't listen to LittlePrince. I don't know how old he is but it's pretty obvious he's never been with a woman and his conversations with the opposite sex are limited to world of Warcraft encounters. You are suffering from retroactive jealousy. You should know two things. - It's VERY common. - It's very irrational (you probably already knew this). But like you said...you can't just turn it off. But you CAN realize it for what it is: It's issues with a partners sex life due to you OWN upbringing, in most, if not all cases. How was your childhood and your relationship with your mom? Lots of people who suffer from what you are going through had traumatic or intense relationships with their mother. Maybe she was always around when you needed her. Also look up Madonna/whore complex. Lots of men who go through this end up trying to find a "mother" in a partner. Just like you wouldn't want to imagine your mother having sex with another man who wasn't your father, you don't like to imagine your partner having sex with another man ESPECIALLY when love is NOT involved. This is why you don't mind her past boyfriends but her casual sex bothers you. Anyways, I've gone through the same thing myself with every gf I've ever had. It took me a LONG time to figure out what was going on in my head. My relationship with my mom was beyond traumatic and I know that this is why I am why I am. But knowing the WHY helps you deal with your feelings and makes it easier to put them where they belong...in the "I don't care anymore" bucket. And I can honestly say that it no longer affects my relationship or how I feel about my partner. Like others have said. EVERYONE has a past. Your gf's past is nothing compared to what a lot of people have. She is NOT a slut and not even remotely close. She is with you and that's all that should matter. 1
Author VioletSummer Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 Even if you could pretend to be apart of the slut acceptance culture people push now a days, it will always be in the back of your mind, you will always be angry about it, and you will never truly trust her. There is no way you could have a functioning or healthy relationship with her. You fell for a girl and she was wrong for you. There is no trick of the mind that can get you past this. It will even take time to get over her. Trust isn't an issue. I do trust her, it's just the thought of that night she had in the car that hurts me. I don't think she'd ever cheat on me, heck she's even talking about moving in together and getting married in the future (after only three months). I think she really likes me too, since she can't spend 20 minutes without texting me. If I don't text her back she'll text me again asking why I haven't replied, she's constantly telling me she misses me when we haven't seen each other for more than a day and since I've been with her she doesn't go out clubbing any more. I want to accept her past and move on, but I've got a feeling that the only true way to accept is to give things time to sink in. Acknowledge that I'm not her first, and that she did have a couple of one night stands this year. Have to get over it and move on. The problem I face is how do I go from here? Just give myself time to get over things? Seek professional advice? Bring the subject up with her again? Or will I have to eventually break up with her altogether? In all honestly I really like this girl and she's told me that all she lives for is the thought of settling down, being happy and having a family in the future. But once again my brain has other ideas, it doesn't want me to be in a happy relationship.. instead it wants to make me dwell on HER past.
KungFuJoe Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Couldn't edit my post but I meant to say maybe your mother WASN'T around when you needed her.
LittlePrince Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Trust isn't an issue. I do trust her, it's just the thought of that night she had in the car that hurts me. I don't think she'd ever cheat on me, heck she's even talking about moving in together and getting married in the future (after only three months). I think she really likes me too, since she can't spend 20 minutes without texting me. If I don't text her back she'll text me again asking why I haven't replied, she's constantly telling me she misses me when we haven't seen each other for more than a day and since I've been with her she doesn't go out clubbing any more. I want to accept her past and move on, but I've got a feeling that the only true way to accept is to give things time to sink in. Acknowledge that I'm not her first, and that she did have a couple of one night stands this year. Have to get over it and move on. The problem I face is how do I go from here? Just give myself time to get over things? Seek professional advice? Bring the subject up with her again? Or will I have to eventually break up with her altogether? In all honestly I really like this girl and she's told me that all she lives for is the thought of settling down, being happy and having a family in the future. But once again my brain has other ideas, it doesn't want me to be in a happy relationship.. instead it wants to make me dwell on HER past. Over the course of your life you won't be able to always give her this level of attention. I'd be concerned what she would do if she couldn't get my constant affection considering her erratic past.
Author VioletSummer Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 Don't listen to LittlePrince. I don't know how old he is but it's pretty obvious he's never been with a woman and his conversations with the opposite sex are limited to world of Warcraft encounters. You are suffering from retroactive jealousy. You should know two things. - It's VERY common. - It's very irrational (you probably already knew this). But like you said...you can't just turn it off. But you CAN realize it for what it is: It's issues with a partners sex life due to you OWN upbringing, in most, if not all cases. How was your childhood and your relationship with your mom? Lots of people who suffer from what you are going through had traumatic or intense relationships with their mother. Maybe she was always around when you needed her. Also look up Madonna/whore complex. Lots of men who go through this end up trying to find a "mother" in a partner. Just like you wouldn't want to imagine your mother having sex with another man who wasn't your father, you don't like to imagine your partner having sex with another man ESPECIALLY when love is NOT involved. This is why you don't mind her past boyfriends but her casual sex bothers you. Anyways, I've gone through the same thing myself with every gf I've ever had. It took me a LONG time to figure out what was going on in my head. My relationship with my mom was beyond traumatic and I know that this is why I am why I am. But knowing the WHY helps you deal with your feelings and makes it easier to put them where they belong...in the "I don't care anymore" bucket. And I can honestly say that it no longer affects my relationship or how I feel about my partner. Like others have said. EVERYONE has a past. Your gf's past is nothing compared to what a lot of people have. She is NOT a slut and not even remotely close. She is with you and that's all that should matter. This maybe true, the kind of relationship I've had with my mum hasn't been a bad one. I mean she's been there all my life and bought me up best she could, but the type of mum she is made me feel like I would never want to seek advice on my life issues from her. Like I constantly felt like I was her boy that she wanted to be proud of constantly so it wouldn't be right for me to tell her that I was having difficulties with certain things.
Author VioletSummer Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 Over the course of your life you won't be able to always give her this level of attention. I'd be concerned what she would do if she couldn't get my constant affection considering her erratic past. 'Erratic' isn't quite the description I'd give it here. One detail I missed out was that she knew the guy she slept with at that night club for around 2 years before it happened. It wasn't like she randomly went to a nightclub and ****ed a stranger in the back of his car at the end of the night.
KungFuJoe Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 This maybe true, the kind of relationship I've had with my mum hasn't been a bad one. I mean she's been there all my life and bought me up best she could, but the type of mum she is made me feel like I would never want to seek advice on my life issues from her. Like I constantly felt like I was her boy that she wanted to be proud of constantly so it wouldn't be right for me to tell her that I was having difficulties with certain things. That why I said "intense" as well. It doesn't have to be a BAD relationship with your mom....just a not normal one. My mom was the same way. Babied me endlessly and she doted on me...barely gave me any room to breathe...when I was little. She turned abusive later on, which is why I was doubly ****ed up. Look up Madonna/whore complex and see if any of that applies. And always remember that you feel the way you feel NOT because of any character or personality flaw in your gf...but your OWN irrational thoughts. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 KFJ has it right. I also had horrible RJ. The only thing that took care of it was time and it was also a perk of having trauma therapy dealing with my childhood stuff. The mind movies really suck. EMDR therapy is great for an instant-cure for RJ. But if you don't want to shell out for that, just really try to live with it or reason it out. Most of us have something that we aren't proud of in our pasts. And for most of us, our own sexual memories fade a bit over time unless they were really special. I get the feeling that you are thinking and pondering the car incident far more than she does now day-to-day. Really decide if it is worth thinking about so much. When it comes into your mind, maybe draw yourself a mental STOP sign to put it out again. As for what Little Prince said: do you really think that there exists an artificial quota for "good girl" "bad girl" anymore. Like 3 was okay, but not four, but only on Wednesday in a bed that was properly made. Jeez. Really: ridiculous. You decide what makes your gf a nice or not nice girl. Not some internet creeper. When I was younger, I had one BF from 17-19. I lost my v-card to him. I met a guy when I was 20, we dated and he was pretty darn upset that I wasn't a virgin anymore. Really? One partner? I had a friend that had a boyfriend the same way. Really trashed her about it too. So what we are supposed to do and be as women these days: 1. If I don't sleep with you, I am a frigid bitch. 2. If I use birth control, I am a slut. 3. If I get pregnant, I am an idiot. 4. If I have an abortion, I am Satan..... yay....... And some men wonder why it is so difficult to find a woman that clicks with them. Frankly, I think if all of us knew that the love of our lives was coming even a few months down the road, and we knew how great it was going to be, we wouldn't be getting together with a whole bunch of partners to rack of mileage in the sack. I know it hurts VS, I hope that you are able to move past it. As you gain more of a history with your gf or possibly in the future with a new partner, you'll see that we all get one, and they aren't all stellar.
Author VioletSummer Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 That why I said "intense" as well. It doesn't have to be a BAD relationship with your mom....just a not normal one. My mom was the same way. Babied me endlessly and she doted on me...barely gave me any room to breathe...when I was little. She turned abusive later on, which is why I was doubly ****ed up. Look up Madonna/whore complex and see if any of that applies. And always remember that you feel the way you feel NOT because of any character or personality flaw in your gf...but your OWN irrational thoughts. Okay after having a quick read a good proportion of what I have read makes sense and fits my situation. In less than a year she went through 4 different guys. There isn't much consistency or stability in her life. You don't know her well enough to make that judgement, and either way that's not what we're debating in this thread. She's had four different guys, period. Yes in a year but her first guy was a long term relationship, even I agree she is entitled to sleep with others to get over him. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 Sleeping around doesn't help you get over another. The physical has limited influence over the emotional. I found for me that it somewhat reset me. Broke the old bond. Made the ex go further out of my mind. But I don't recommend it as a healthy way to deal with things. I also found that if I encountered the person in a sexual way 3 times, that that would start my brain bonding with the new person. I.e. they would be on my mind a lot more etc, harder to get over. I am married now, but I am glad that I was very careful to guard those things while single.
Author VioletSummer Posted December 25, 2012 Author Posted December 25, 2012 KFJ has it right. I also had horrible RJ. The only thing that took care of it was time and it was also a perk of having trauma therapy dealing with my childhood stuff. The mind movies really suck. EMDR therapy is great for an instant-cure for RJ. But if you don't want to shell out for that, just really try to live with it or reason it out. Most of us have something that we aren't proud of in our pasts. And for most of us, our own sexual memories fade a bit over time unless they were really special. I get the feeling that you are thinking and pondering the car incident far more than she does now day-to-day. Really decide if it is worth thinking about so much. When it comes into your mind, maybe draw yourself a mental STOP sign to put it out again. As for what Little Prince said: do you really think that there exists an artificial quota for "good girl" "bad girl" anymore. Like 3 was okay, but not four, but only on Wednesday in a bed that was properly made. Jeez. Really: ridiculous. You decide what makes your gf a nice or not nice girl. Not some internet creeper. When I was younger, I had one BF from 17-19. I lost my v-card to him. I met a guy when I was 20, we dated and he was pretty darn upset that I wasn't a virgin anymore. Really? One partner? I had a friend that had a boyfriend the same way. Really trashed her about it too. So what we are supposed to do and be as women these days: 1. If I don't sleep with you, I am a frigid bitch. 2. If I use birth control, I am a slut. 3. If I get pregnant, I am an idiot. 4. If I have an abortion, I am Satan..... yay....... And some men wonder why it is so difficult to find a woman that clicks with them. Frankly, I think if all of us knew that the love of our lives was coming even a few months down the road, and we knew how great it was going to be, we wouldn't be getting together with a whole bunch of partners to rack of mileage in the sack. I know it hurts VS, I hope that you are able to move past it. As you gain more of a history with your gf or possibly in the future with a new partner, you'll see that we all get one, and they aren't all stellar. I'm not worried about what Little Prince has said, I find my girlfriend to be extremely cute and caring. I've personally never had a GF where I've mentally said "aww that's lovely" in my mind so many times through all the little things she's said and done. If it wasn't for my RJ I have no doubt in my mind that this would be a near perfect relationship for me. I just hope I can take your advice onboard and get over these thoughts and make her as happy as the has made me. Quick question, what does EMDR therapy consist of? 1
KungFuJoe Posted December 25, 2012 Posted December 25, 2012 If you're considering EMDR, you will need to see a therapist first and he/she will give you all the info you need. You could also look into CBT (cognitive behavior therapy). Check out a book called "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's a great book for everyone and easy to read. 1
charlietheginger Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 Often good girls get pumped and dumped. Lots of good girls desire love and affection A guy tells the girl all she wants to hear. He bangs her and stops calling and texting Leaving the girl with low self esteem and Desperate to be loved she goes with the Next guy that does it to her again... Is she a slut?. No She is looking for mr right and had to do What a women has to do along the way Wich is satisfy the guy she is with. Not her Fualt her last few boyfriends didnt work out. If i were you never bring up her past again. Instead focus on making your own memories With this girl she sounds open to adventurous Stuff. 1
KungFuJoe Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 Often good girls get pumped and dumped. Lots of good girls desire love and affection A guy tells the girl all she wants to hear. He bangs her and stops calling and texting Leaving the girl with low self esteem and Desperate to be loved she goes with the Next guy that does it to her again... Is she a slut?. No She is looking for mr right and had to do What a women has to do along the way Wich is satisfy the guy she is with. Not her Fualt her last few boyfriends didnt work out. If i were you never bring up her past again. Instead focus on making your own memories With this girl she sounds open to adventurous Stuff. W. T. F. are you talking about? I feel like I'm talking about basketball with someone and you just jumped in talking about how much you like eggs on toast.
todreaminblue Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 Okay so I've been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for just over 3 months, we've known each other for 4. It's going really well, we're really compatible and we have a great time whenever we're together. But I made the mistake most guys make which is asking for more details about her sexual past when it came up in conversation *whoops*. Basically she's been with 3 boys, one of them was a relationship she was with for a year... they broke up in January of 2012. Since then she's slept with two other boys, one of which was just after her breakup. The last of the boys she slept with was under a month before we started talking to each other (she still didn't know me at this point). She slept with this guy in the back of a car after going out to a nightclub. Now it's ONLY the last guy that gets me down, it's because it was so close to us beginning to talk. I've tried talking to her about it but she gets annoyed because she regrets it and tells me that I shouldn't bring it up because "I should know that I'm the only person that matters to her". Yes, I know my thoughts are irrational but they're there. And since I really do like her, I'm committed to getting over these thoughts and making her a very happy girl. But all the while I'm down about it I fear I'll end up pushing her away and she doesn't deserve that because she's such a nice girl. Advice on how to get over it? She is with you now, the guy she slept with was before she knew you so if she had known you before she might not have even been with that person...this is hindsight its glorious if we had it unfortunately we dont....everything happens fro a reason and if you look at it this way if she hadnt had that experiece in a car drunk as a skunk probably with some pua then she woudltn realize what was good and right...that my friend is you...so love her be with her .... try and look at this perspective.....you might not have even have met her if that incident didnt happen what if she didnt get drunk that night didnt sleep with that guy and then hid out the next night.....instead with no shame,gone out clubbing again maybe she might have met another guy who would have treated her right....and you would not know her at all....its the way life is ..a million possible turns, forks and two way streets...all sliding doors....love that movie and scenarios that happened or could have happened.... love and life ,its intricate, complex and detailed history, it would drive you mental like I am, if you think about incidents and what ifs, and those million possibilities so dwelling on a scenario in the past is one way to send you a liiiitle nuts...so dont...... take your woman be happy and treat her like no other has, so that she forgets all lovers before you..then you also can forget them, they arent relevant anymore...only you and her buddy.....that is my medication for the day...good luck.....deb.......
Divasu Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 Have you ever heard the saying: “A man wants to be a woman’s first love, a woman wants to be his last...” Your 'jealousy' is your own 'feeling' to answer and respond to... Own it and then go and be the best man and the best lover to her.
Author VioletSummer Posted December 26, 2012 Author Posted December 26, 2012 (edited) Have you ever heard the saying: “A man wants to be a woman’s first love, a woman wants to be his last...” Your 'jealousy' is your own 'feeling' to answer and respond to... Own it and then go and be the best man and the best lover to her. I've read something similar elsewhere "It's not about who was her first, it's about who was her last". It makes a lot of sense and genuinely I want to be her last. I spent quite a bit of time last night sitting down figuring out what triggers these feelings. Unfortunately that led to other irrational thoughts like "what if" "how do I know" etc. I'm going to keep this thread updated on how I do over the next few weeks/months so other suffering with the same problem can get an idea of what you'll go through and hopefully what helps to end these thoughts. Edited December 27, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Divasu Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 (edited) I've read something similar elsewhere "It's not about who was her first, it's about who was her last". It makes a lot of sense and genuinely I want to be her last. I spent quite a bit of time last night sitting down figuring out what triggers these feelings. Unfortunately that led to other irrational thoughts like "what if" "how do I know" etc. I'm going to keep this thread updated on how I do over the next few weeks/months so other suffering with the same problem can get an idea of what you'll go through and hopefully what helps to end these thoughts. The source of irrational thoughts are hard to pinpoint. But it seems like you're on the right track. Edited December 27, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
tman666 Posted December 26, 2012 Posted December 26, 2012 She doesn't sound especially "slutty" to me. As far as the icky feeling of her in the back of a car with some other guy, I can understand why it bugs you (granted, NOT because what she was was wrong, but because it's kind of a specific mental image). Most guys don't like imagining their women getting banged by other guys, and the details only serve to paint a mental image in your brain that is most likely distressing. The first thing to do is to stop discussing her past. Everything in your brain will want to bring it up with her, but likelihood of her revealing details that actually help your situation is far less than the likelihood of the details only digging you deeper into misery. You have to fight the urge to ask her about it. Focus on enjoying your time together. She wants to be with you. Make a list of things you guys want to do together for the first time and go do them; ideally things that neither of you have ever done before. Over time, the memories and relationship that you build together will make her past flings completely insignificant. Think about how many thousands of times you'll get to have crazy sex with her in the future, and how small of a percentage the other guys will make up.
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