KissMyTiara Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 Ok, y'all, tell me what this means: MM introduced me to a coworker. This coworker now knows what is going on between me and MM...he kinda had to, given that MM was taking me along on a business trip with him and his coworker so that I could be with him for an extended period of time. Also, later at dinner, MM said to me out of the blue, "If I didn't care about you so much, I wouldn't have brought you with me...it was very, very risky bringing you, but I wanted to keep my promise to you." He's been very different lately - something about the way he touches me, the way he looks at me - almost like it's more caring than sexual. ??? Thoughts?
Pocky Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 There's only one thing that an MM can do to show how much he cares for you - leave his wife. Anything other than that really doesn't matter much does it? He's still married. Trying to interpret the behavior seems pointless I guess because no matter what he does as long as he has a ring on his finger that someone else put there he isn't committed to you.
honey2005 Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 There's only one thing that an MM can do to show how much he cares for you - leave his wife. I agree with Pocky
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 15, 2004 Author Posted August 15, 2004 Pocky - kinda laughed at your message, only because he doesn't wear a ring. He's committed to his kids, not his marriage.
reasontosigh Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 OK....now I'm confused. It's my fault, really, since I read your other thread first, KMT. Is the 35 year old in the other thread the co-worker? Or somebody different altogether??
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 15, 2004 Author Posted August 15, 2004 Somebody different all together. Completely different guy from anything that even remotely involves my MM.
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 15, 2004 Author Posted August 15, 2004 Funny you mentioned it though, bc he's pretty damn handsome as well (the co-worker). When we met, I thought "ah, no, he would be a perfect distraction to ween me off of MM, if ONLY they didn't know each other!! argh!"
reasontosigh Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Funny you mentioned it though, bc he's pretty damn handsome as well (the co-worker). When we met, I thought "ah, no, he would be a perfect distraction to ween me off of MM, if ONLY they didn't know each other!! argh!" Could it be what MM has in mind? Especially given this, from your first post: .....He's been very different lately - something about the way he touches me, the way he looks at me - almost like it's more caring than sexual..... A longshot of a hunch, but a hunch nonetheless.
Pocky Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 Pocky - kinda laughed at your message, only because he doesn't wear a ring. He's committed to his kids, not his marriage. Someone can be committed to his kids and not be married to the mother. Regardless of whether or not he wears the ring the fact still remains that legally he's committed to his wife. Until he divorces her he will always be committed to her.
reasontosigh Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 Never mind. Had to read your thread again....over a pot of coffee. Somewhere along the line I got the idea that the coworker was brought along for another reason than that of he needed to be on this business trip in the first place. But I do have to wonder still about that last paragraph in your first post. There seems to be some kind of sea change happening here, especially considering what he said to you at dinner, out of the blue.
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 15, 2004 Author Posted August 15, 2004 The co-worker was another guy that was with my MM at this meeting thing, and he was just kinda...there...ya know? On the plane, staying in the next room, went ti dinner with us... The comment at dinner came when the co-worker retired for the night and we kept talking about random stuff...but then that comment came out of the blue. What do you mean by sea change?
smile95 Posted August 15, 2004 Posted August 15, 2004 I am the OW, but my guy has been sep for 2 yrs and lives in an apt, while she lives inthe house with the kid. He is not commited to her and does not wear a ring. However, he is still married. Although the divorce is rolling. However, he will always be a part of her life and vice versa since they have a child. Does he still live with the wife?
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 15, 2004 Author Posted August 15, 2004 Originally posted by Pocky Someone can be committed to his kids and not be married to the mother. Regardless of whether or not he wears the ring the fact still remains that legally he's committed to his wife. Until he divorces her he will always be committed to her. Sadly, I've met many MM (platonically, friends, and my MM) who don't believe this to be true. They think (or know) that if they were to divorce, they wouldn't be able to see their children, and that thought terrifies them...so they stay in the blah, ecky, sad marriage.
reasontosigh Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 The sea change, in this instance, refers to his possible change of feelings. Just like being on the water and experiencing a sudden change in wind direction or something like that - when you're the one piloting the boat, you have to make some (sometimes major) adjustments to stay on course and get to your destination in the time planned. (Can you tell I was watching a bit of Olympic sailing last night? ) The comment may have been made out of the blue to you - maybe even to himself. But you also say he's been acting a bit different towards you lately. So I'm thinking he's been having at least a passing thought about a change of heart on his part. Could it be he's picked up on your vibe of your starting to look elsewhere? Perhaps, perhaps not. Could be a reassessment of his feelings, which may or may not be a temporary thing. That is the take I'm getting here.
smile95 Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 I agree with you. Mine had such a hard time going thru withthe divorce and even considered staying for his kid. He hardly gets to see him and he is his world and it is sad. I do believe that you can be married and no be in love and it is for the kids, but I think that it is not right to let the child see parents fighting and together instead of happy parents apart. Are you with him and he does not speak of divorce or is it in the future....just not now? It is hard for outsiders to understand each individual situation. You are the only one who knows how sincere he is to you
Pocky Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 Sadly, I've met many MM (platonically, friends, and my MM) who don't believe this to be true. They think (or know) that if they were to divorce, they wouldn't be able to see their children, and that thought terrifies them...so they stay in the blah, ecky, sad marriage. I guess I don't understand this. If it's a blah, ecky, sad marriage isn't the wife feeling the same thing? Wouldn't it make more sense for the MM and wife to sit down and discuss how they want to handle the marriage/kids instead of both of them staying in something that doesn't make them happy? There is such a thing as joint custody...
1Yoyo Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Sadly, I've met many MM (platonically, friends, and my MM) who don't believe this to be true. They think (or know) that if they were to divorce, they wouldn't be able to see their children, and that thought terrifies them...so they stay in the blah, ecky, sad marriage. This sounds like my MM. He and his wife decided 5 years ago to stay together for the sake of the kids. They no longer love each other the way married couples should. They sleep in separate rooms and really only come together to be with the kids and discuss financial business. My MM knows his wife pretty well in that she will make it hard for him to see his kids, if they divorce, for sure if she knew about me. I don't want him to be without his kids, so I will either have to wait on him or move on. I'm kinda stuck in the middle. Not sure what to do. Yo
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 16, 2004 Author Posted August 16, 2004 Beth - No, he has never said that he wants a divorce. What he says is that he doesn't want to be with her, but seeing his kids and being able to father his children necessarily means that he has to live with her, remain married, etc. His quote is "I will never, ever, be in a situation where I don't see my kids every day." He has hinted that he has seriously looked into it, and he has said that he knows that he wouldn't get to really be a part of their life if he were to leave. For this, I do not blame him. He got married too young, before he knew what he really wanted out of life, from a relationship, in a wife, etc., and now he's kinda stuck. Pocky - sadly, I have to say, I think women have a tendency to just deal with boredom and contentment and think that's the way life is, and not seek a way out, or to find what they really want from someone else. ****, this forum is entitled "The Other Man/Woman," but how many men do you see on here complaining about their MW? Us women have a irritating tendency to put up with **** we shouldn't.
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 16, 2004 Author Posted August 16, 2004 Originally posted by reasontosigh The sea change, in this instance, refers to his possible change of feelings. Just like being on the water and experiencing a sudden change in wind direction or something like that - when you're the one piloting the boat, you have to make some (sometimes major) adjustments to stay on course and get to your destination in the time planned. (Can you tell I was watching a bit of Olympic sailing last night? ) The comment may have been made out of the blue to you - maybe even to himself. But you also say he's been acting a bit different towards you lately. So I'm thinking he's been having at least a passing thought about a change of heart on his part. Could it be he's picked up on your vibe of your starting to look elsewhere? Perhaps, perhaps not. Could be a reassessment of his feelings, which may or may not be a temporary thing. That is the take I'm getting here. Ok, well, I know his comment wasn't out of the blue to him. Every single thing he does and says is calculated for some hidden purpose. Knowing this, and seeing this change, what do you think he is trying to get across?
reasontosigh Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 Hard to say for certain. Could be something going on in his life that you don't yet know about. Could also be, as I mentioned earlier, that he may have picked up a vibe from you that you are in fact looking elsewhere. Not that you were necessarily giving off said vibe intentionally or anything - this guy may have finely tuned radar. Or could be just a passing blue mood or phase or something. Midlife crisis pending, maybe? Could be anything at this point. Whatever the reason, it looks to me like he's rethinking the whole relationship. What the outcome will be, I have no idea, but all I can say right now is you may want to "hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst".
smile95 Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 I know how hard it is, but don't you think you deserve more? If he has no intention of leaving, maybe you should not stick around. I know it is hard. I have been waiting 2 yrs, but it is because he is uncertain I feel. It is hard because we love them. But, at the same time do we always want to be 2nd? In reality, no, they would not be able to see the kids if they got a divorce. However, in reality, we will never have them to ourselves and that sucks. I am stuck as well. Mine is in the process of divorce, however, I know that he loves his kids to death and by not leaving ASAP, I kinda feel unwanted. We haven ot talked in 3 weeks now becasue he is so stressed out and the divorce is really happening. She is pushing. I think is hitting him that this is real. I hope you figure things out. I love my guy to death, but it hurts when he ignores me for sooo long. I am confused as well.
Fran_H Posted August 16, 2004 Posted August 16, 2004 Originally posted by Pocky I guess I don't understand this. If it's a blah, ecky, sad marriage isn't the wife feeling the same thing? Wouldn't it make more sense for the MM and wife to sit down and discuss how they want to handle the marriage/kids instead of both of them staying in something that doesn't make them happy? There is such a thing as joint custody... Interesting thought. You're right Pocky, if both parties feel the marriage is making them miserable, they would do something about it. We as O/W only get one side of the story. And its amazing how many other women are being fed the same lines. 'We sleep in seperate rooms, we lead seperate lives.' I always found this hard to beleive. I am beginning to think the reason there are generally no divorces in most of these cases is because the marriages are no-where near as bad as MM makes out.
Author KissMyTiara Posted August 16, 2004 Author Posted August 16, 2004 We're not them, right? We're not married, right? We don't know what they would do b/c we are not them. Sheesh, many of us are OW who said we would never be involved with a MM, yet, here we are, singing a different toon! Yes, if they are both unhappy, then they SHOULD get divorced, but that doesn't mean that if they were truly unhappy they WOULD. BIG difference.
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