Dating made easy by LittlePrince

[KungFuJoe]

32 and never been on a date? I don't have much to say about that. I don't know you well enough and haven't seen what you look like so I can't say if there's something wrong with you mentally/emotionally, or if you're just shooting for WAY WAY WAY over your "league".

 

But, I truly doubt it has to do with your physical appearance (unless you are a burn victim with scarring on 90% of your body). I've seen all sorts of people across the entire physical attractiveness scale find partners and love.

 

I would say your problem is mental. Perhaps you have anxiety or depression. Have you considered a therapist?

[PJKino]

32 and never been on a date? I don't have much to say about that. I don't know you well enough and haven't seen what you look like so I can't say if there's something wrong with you mentally/emotionally, or if you're just shooting for WAY WAY WAY over your "league".

 

But, I truly doubt it has to do with your physical appearance (unless you are a burn victim with scarring on 90% of your body). I've seen all sorts of people across the entire physical attractiveness scale find partners and love.

 

I would say your problem is mental. Perhaps you have anxiety or depression. Have you considered a therapist?

 

Im pretty shy with strangers i dont approach women much because of fear of rejection

[KungFuJoe]

Im pretty shy with strangers i dont approach women much because of fear of rejection

 

You probably have anxiety. It seems to be a common theme with the people on LS.

 

Look...I'm shy around strangers and I have always had a hard time asking women out (can count the number of girls I've asked out on one hand).

 

Sooner or later, you have to come out of your shell. If you're 32, it's probably not going to happen on its own anytime soon. I'm definitely not advocating drugs, but not going to deny that they can help "kick start" you into feeling better about yourself. I would suggest seeing a therapist and talking about your issues. If you have severe anxiety, perhaps some meds can help you get over your issues initially til you get to a point where you are comfortable on your own.

[straightshooter82]

This thread has been pushed and pulled many directions, but to answer the OP, I agree that women have it easier in the dating world than men, at least in the United states, which is where I'm assuming most people on this forum live.

 

Online dating sites in the US are a sausage fest, as is almost every bar or club on a Friday or Saturday night. To get dates as a woman it's fairly simple, diet, exercise, dress nice, wear makeup, go to a bar alone on a Friday night with book, sit at the bar, and get hit on by more men than you can count. Or just take some flattering photos of yourself, put them up on a dating website, and watch a flood of messages roll in.

 

To instruct some men on how to get a date, you'd have to write a essay to describe every facet involved. This is partially evidenced by the fact that there seem to be many men on this forum who are around 30 or older who haven't been on any or very few dates in their lives. Doesn't seem like women around the same age have problems getting dates to the same degree as men.

[PJKino]

You probably have anxiety. It seems to be a common theme with the people on LS.

 

Look...I'm shy around strangers and I have always had a hard time asking women out (can count the number of girls I've asked out on one hand).

 

Sooner or later, you have to come out of your shell. If you're 32, it's probably not going to happen on its own anytime soon. I'm definitely not advocating drugs, but not going to deny that they can help "kick start" you into feeling better about yourself. I would suggest seeing a therapist and talking about your issues. If you have severe anxiety, perhaps some meds can help you get over your issues initially til you get to a point where you are comfortable on your own.

 

Ive always been kidn of against going that route i dont know maybe ill try it

 

Usually i use alcohol as my meds to break out of my shell lol

[somedude81]

Read my earlier post. I was raised by an abusive single mother. My mom's idea of spending quality time with me when i was in elementary school was going to the mall, dropping me off at the arcade, then going to the bar and getting drunk. Then driving me home and somehow managing not to kill us both. When I was 15 the police knew us by face and name because they were always getting called to our apartment because of the crazy fights we had...one time involving her slicing up a shirt of mine with a knife...WHILE I WAS WEARING IT. I spend most of my nights sleeping in the car in the car lot because my mom was relentless when I was around. She couldn't help it due to her depression but it makes no different when you're that young. Yeah...I thought about ending it at times. Not gonna lie. But I always knew that I was destined for something bigger. When I was 18 my mom got picked up by the police and committed to a mental ward. And that was that. She was out of my life...I was on my own.

 

 

 

Now...I'm not gonna lie and say I came out unscathed. I was pretty screwed up emotionally and was clueless about women when I first started dating. Also had a raging temper from all the anger growing up. But no one is perfect. And I never once sat there and felt sorry for myself. Not once. I used it to fuel my "comeback" so to speak. I wasn't going to let it control my life...and I didn't.

 

You're relatively young and going through therapy, which is great. I'm 38 and a lot of what I'm saying, I didn't really completely figure out until recently.

First of all, I'm 31, so not really fairly young.

 

How recently did you start to figure things out?

Everyone has their stories. So many of us have been abused in one way shape or form. But everyone has a choice. You can let the abuse take over, leaving you crumbled and defeated, or you call it to go **** ITSELF and be a better person for it.

If only it was that easy.

 

I was in therapy from about 24-30 years old.

 

Somehow my parents divorce and being raised by my mother left me with severe life long depression which seems to now be caused by inability to get into a relationship. It's not something I can just choose to overcome.

 

It all boils down to nature vs nurture.

 

Of course I haven't given up but it's so much harder than it has to be.

[somedude81]

I've been very sexually attracted to all my exs. Other women may or may not have. I couldn't "settle" for any guy. That's why Im single. I dont settle for less than i deserve.

What's the longest you've ever been single?

 

Longest you've gone without sex?

[sweetkiwi]

Longest single? Less than a year. Gone without sex? After losing my virginity 8 years ago id say maybe 1 month. While i was in a relationship. I dont have to try and get sex. I have to try not to. I think i see where youre going with this.

 

My family thinks Im a lesbian because Im not married with kids. Really. I feel pressure to settle down and pump out the babies. Not going to until i find a guy i want those things with.

 

We dont have the same dating issues i know that. But If you realize that you have a warped view of women then of course you wont have success. Or you'll only attract women who like men that will never respect them.

[somedude81]

Longest single? Less than a year. Gone without sex? After losing my virginity 8 years ago id say maybe 1 month. While i was in a relationship. I dont have to try and get sex. I have to try not to. I think i see where youre going with this.

Thanks for giving me real answers.

 

The only thing I can say is that I'm truly jealous.

 

Not only do you refuse to settle, you aren't going long periods of time without sex or a relationship. You've got it made.

 

I would kill to have it half as good as you do.

 

My family thinks Im a lesbian because Im not married with kids. Really. I feel pressure to settle down and pump out the babies. Not going to until i find a guy i want those things with.

I don't have any sisters so I can't even begin to imagine what families expect from the girls.

 

We dont have the same dating issues i know that. But If you realize that you have a warped view of women then of course you wont have success.

How is my view of women warped?

Or you'll only attract women who like men that will never respect them.

You think I wouldn't respect the woman I'm in a relationship with? How the hell did you come to that conclusion?

[sweetkiwi]

We were getting along so well. You said it yourself that your messed up mother warped your view of women and therapy hasn't been able to change it.

 

I get it. Im just telling you i dated a guy like you in that regard. Same age too interestingly enough. He doesn't think he has a problem. And therefore will never change. He's teaching his son to disrespect women as well. Never stops.

[sweetkiwi]

Being raised by an abusive single mother is one of the main reasons why I'm so screwed up right now. It's completely warped how I see women. Therapy hasn't been able to fix it yet.

 

Here we go babe.

[KungFuJoe]

somedude,

 

My "mother" issues left me with retroactive jealousy (with pretty much every woman I've been with) stemming from the whole madonna/whore complex, a raging temper, and pretty emotionally immature. I also had no idea how to be a "man" and I was pretty awkward around girls. I didn't even kiss a girl until after I had graduated high school. I've been in a jail a couple times due to fights with my gf (now wife) and one of my exes threatened to commit suicide. I fought with EVERYONE I was ever with. Hell, I even would fight with women I was casually dating. I just didn't know how to keep something inside. If someone was bothering me...it would eat and eat and eat and grow and grow and grow until I exploded in fury. Yeah...I was pretty bad in the past.

 

How long did it take me to figure it all out? I'm still learning. But I think I made a pretty big breakthrough around 6 months to a year ago. I actually went to see a therapist once and a shrink. The shrink put me on zoloft. The therapist gave me a book to read "Good Feelings" by David Burns. I highly recommend the book. I strongly don't recommend the zoloft.

 

My situation might be different than yours. I never realized that I had been abused (when you grow up in it, you just figure it's the "norm"). I knew I had "issues" but just figured I was "built" that way and I could do nothing about it. But, somehow KNOWING that it was from my childhood and that it was NOT who I was supposed to be...somehow that changed something in me. Like this was NOT who I was supposed to be and if I wasn't built this way, then I could make myself better. It might sound weird, but it's working so far.

[Mme. Chaucer]

How is my view of women warped?

 

I believe that if there is one thing that every single last one of the people who have participated in or even read any of your threads here would agree upon, it would be that your view of women is warped.

 

You think I wouldn't respect the woman I'm in a relationship with? How the hell did you come to that conclusion?

 

Because your view of women is so warped.

[PJKino]

This thread has been pushed and pulled many directions, but to answer the OP, I agree that women have it easier in the dating world than men, at least in the United states, which is where I'm assuming most people on this forum live.

 

Online dating sites in the US are a sausage fest, as is almost every bar or club on a Friday or Saturday night. To get dates as a woman it's fairly simple, diet, exercise, dress nice, wear makeup, go to a bar alone on a Friday night with book, sit at the bar, and get hit on by more men than you can count. Or just take some flattering photos of yourself, put them up on a dating website, and watch a flood of messages roll in.

 

To instruct some men on how to get a date, you'd have to write a essay to describe every facet involved. This is partially evidenced by the fact that there seem to be many men on this forum who are around 30 or older who haven't been on any or very few dates in their lives. Doesn't seem like women around the same age have problems getting dates to the same degree as men.

 

Yeah old has made men objectified by stats as much as women claim we do to them

 

Ive always been lacking self esteem with women but old made it even worse with how picky women were about things like height

[sweetkiwi]

Some people are who they are because of their upbringing and others are who they are in spite of their upbringing.

 

If you want to exchange horror stories that's cool. I could write a novel and will. My mother is the number one reason i am who i am. Because I've cultivated my life to be NOTHING like hers. Yes i have some traits. The harmless ones.

 

At my age she was on marriage numero 3 with two kids from two different men.......

 

Im doing a bang up job. Zero marriages zero kids (who i wont abandon for greener pastures).

[TheBigQuestion]

I believe that if there is one thing that every single last one of the people who have participated in or even read any of your threads here would agree upon, it would be that your view of women is warped.

 

 

 

Because your view of women is so warped.

 

While I agree, I do not at this point see what value there is in reminding him of this fact about 400 times per thread. The assistance that SD81 needs goes far beyond what a handful of strangers on the internet can provide for him. With that said, the words that have actually gotten through to him have come from people who are not hellbent on emphasizing how unusual he is and make broader statements, but rather from those who have actually made good-faith attempts to actually answer his questions with a minimal amount of judgment. Your recent responses in particular have been light on actual advice and heavy on judgment.

Edited December 30, 2012 by TheBigQuestion

[somedude81]

We were getting along so well. You said it yourself that your messed up mother warped your view of women and therapy hasn't been able to change it.

Oh, you were just referencing what I wrote. You weren't pulling a Mme. Chaucer and telling me that I'm warped based on your perception of me.

 

I think the best way to describe my women/mother issues is that I possibly feel that I wasn't loved by my mother (or step-mother) as a child and I'm trying to get the love I never got, from other girls. That's why I want a girl friend so desperately. Hitting 31 without ever getting into a relationship hasn't exactly made things easier.

 

It's almost like deep down inside I'm that little boy still wanting to be loved.

 

BTW things with my mother are fine now and have been for many years.

I get it. Im just telling you i dated a guy like you in that regard. Same age too interestingly enough. He doesn't think he has a problem. And therefore will never change. He's teaching his son to disrespect women as well. Never stops.

That depends on what the problem is.

 

I'm sure your ex treats women very differently then I do.

I believe that if there is one thing that every single last one of the people who have participated in or even read any of your threads here would agree upon, it would be that your view of women is warped.

Can you give an example?

Because your view of women is so warped.

LOL!

 

Not

[sweetkiwi]

Ooooo so you'd let me snuggle your butt till we fell asleep?

 

My ex is an a-hole who preyed upon younger (more stupid) women. In a giant brain fart i was insanely attracted to this man. And when he proved to be intelligent and an a-hole i found the combo too exciting to pass up. Most men do not challenge me. He did.

 

But ultimately he became verbally abusive whenever he couldn't "win" and then physically abusive when i tried to leave. I literally had to move to another continent to leave his gravitational pull.

[KungFuJoe]

somedude,

 

But I disagree. I think your viewpoint on women IS warped. And from one effed up person to another, the sooner you realize that the better for you.

 

Look...you admit you were abused. You are going through therapy. You do have a problem. Have you ever considered the possibility that your views on women and the reason for not having any luck with them are due to your upbringing?

 

Remember what I said about knowing the source of the problem. You can either accept it and remain ****ed up...or you can do something about it and fix your attitude and your situation.

[edgygirl]

Yay KungFuJoe is gonna fix SD's life tonight!

[somedude81]

Ooooo so you'd let me snuggle your butt till we fell asleep?

Uh sure, as long as I can get some boob

 

My ex is an a-hole who preyed upon younger (more stupid) women. In a giant brain fart i was insanely attracted to this man. And when he proved to be intelligent and an a-hole i found the combo too exciting to pass up. Most men do not challenge me. He did.

 

But ultimately he became verbally abusive whenever he couldn't "win" and then physically abusive when i tried to leave. I literally had to move to another continent to leave his gravitational pull.

Yeah, we're not similar at all, except I can be bit of a smart-ass

 

I could never be abusive to a woman in any way, shape or form.

somedude,

 

But I disagree. I think your viewpoint on women IS warped. And from one effed up person to another, the sooner you realize that the better for you.

Different then what I talked about?

 

Look...you admit you were abused. You are going through therapy. You do have a problem. Have you ever considered the possibility that your views on women and the reason for not having any luck with them are due to your upbringing?

Sure.

 

Like letting myself be friendzoned because I was happy to have any sort of female companionship. As well as taking too long to walk away from girls that I didn't have a chance with. I also crush on girls very quickly and very strongly. It's also part of why I absolutely hate rejection and believe that it means I'm a failure and have no value.

[sweetkiwi]

Thats stuff you're projecting onto yourself. Ouch. Stop hurting yourself. My ex is 29 and can't communicate feelings. Because he never TRIES. So he didn't develop the skills.

 

Develop your skills. Ask castle which pua things he was looking at to help him with rejection and knowing when to walk away. Dont do the lying manipulating ones. Please :/

[SteveC80]

So women have a narrow view of men thye find physically asttratcive but will settle for men who they are not that attracted to and dont get that i want to tear your clothes off leign from just to have kids

 

Sounds awesome where do i sign up:rolleyes:

 

Thats how most relationships between average or below average looking people happen..desperation.. and the realazation that cant get the hot people

 

Th myth that once you love your partner you find he or she the most attractive person in the world is fairy tales,theyres a reason married people fantasize or have crushes especially with celebrities,because usually theyre extremely more attractive then their partner

[sweetkiwi]

I fantasize about my ex. Still. He's attractive to me hut not to everyone. Think Adrian brody. Really. Tall skinny and black hair with puppy eyes. Greeeeeen ones.

 

Haven't been married. Engaged once. Couldn't see myself with him forever so i left. Also he stopped fhucking me?? I have only been with one man who thought i was the most beautiful woman on earth. But we were also very much in love.

[Monm82]

A lot of men just can't be themselves around women they're attracted to. That's probably the biggest dating problem men have.