Update on my story

[NotCamelot]

Things are going absolutely great! It's been over 7 months since d-day. My "bad" thoughts are getting fewer and fewer.

 

My W and I spent a few days on top of a mountain secluded in a log cabin last week. Even though things were already good, the re-connection time there was wonderful. There was no phone, internet or TV for days! The trip was her idea...and a great one at that!

 

For those who want to stay together, it CAN be done. There has been complete and total transparency......and we really don't talk about what happened anymore.....we did for a few months. But after a period of time, it was the same converstations over and over. What good was that doing?

 

Talk it out, yell and scream, if you have to...... get it all out and then, when you are ready, put it in the past.....but don't live in the past.

 

It's not easy ..... but I can tell you it can be done.

 

We are like teenagers now. Inseparable. It really is great.

 

And I know there are those who are going to tell me that it's not been enough time. I know --- I know. But are there really rules to how to make a relationship work????

 

I am happy, I can see and know that my W is happy. Each day is another step for us. I know that I will never forget. But I know we still want each other and will do what it takes.

 

I hope those of you reaching for the same thing have success. IT CAN BE DONE.

[NotCamelot]

The facebook thing you refer to was first of October......everyone here talked me down from that cliff.......which all about attacking the AP.

 

I have known this woman since she was 19.....she'll be 42 in a few weeks. I know when things are good and when they are not.....that is why I discovered the A in the first place.

 

Not fooling myself at all. I can tell you, we are good.

 

Counseling....not anymore....

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I hope that it lasts. For me I experienced several false summits the first 2 years.

 

just saying...

[drifter777]

Things are going absolutely great! It's been over 7 months since d-day. My "bad" thoughts are getting fewer and fewer.

 

My W and I spent a few days on top of a mountain secluded in a log cabin last week. Even though things were already good, the re-connection time there was wonderful. There was no phone, internet or TV for days! The trip was her idea...and a great one at that!

 

For those who want to stay together, it CAN be done. There has been complete and total transparency......and we really don't talk about what happened anymore.....we did for a few months. But after a period of time, it was the same converstations over and over. What good was that doing?

 

Talk it out, yell and scream, if you have to...... get it all out and then, when you are ready, put it in the past.....but don't live in the past.

 

It's not easy ..... but I can tell you it can be done.

 

We are like teenagers now. Inseparable. It really is great.

 

And I know there are those who are going to tell me that it's not been enough time. I know --- I know. But are there really rules to how to make a relationship work????

 

I am happy, I can see and know that my W is happy. Each day is another step for us. I know that I will never forget. But I know we still want each other and will do what it takes.

 

I hope those of you reaching for the same thing have success. IT CAN BE DONE.

 

7 months out from D-day and you are declaring that everything is great and reconciliation "can be done"? I really, really hope it works for you but you shouldn't give others false expectations. It typically takes a few years of hard work by both parties to get to the place you claim to be at, and many couples will never get there.

 

If this is true then you are a rare exception and we all are happy for you. On the other hand if what you are doing is offering cheap forgiveness because you cannot take the pain and drama of true reconciliation then you are just compartmentalizing and rug sweeping - things that are typical and understandable but that never work.

[BetrayedH]

7 months was when I found out that my wife was full of horse****.

[OpenBook]

And I know there are those who are going to tell me that it's not been enough time. I know --- I know. But are there really rules to how to make a relationship work????

 

No, there are not. At least, no "One Size Fits All" set of rules. Each relationship is unique.

 

I am happy, I can see and know that my W is happy. Each day is another step for us. I know that I will never forget. But I know we still want each other and will do what it takes.

 

And this is all that matters. Congrats and best wishes to both of you!!

[Betrayed&Stayed]

He can't take the pain. He's been desperate for this to "go away" almost immediately after Dday.

 

NotCamelot - These are your own words from just two months post Dday:

 

I realize it has been a short time, and yes, I would like a fast track

I know that won't happen.

I guess I am wishing for advice that would speed things up.

I so want to have things back to the way they were.

 

I do want things back to "good".....and I would like it to be fast

I know, however, that it won't be fast.

She wants it to be fast

I guess she will stop feeling as guilty once she sees I am ok.

 

You acknowledge how irrational it is to think you can reconcile at record-breaking speed (even in this thread too) and yet at the same time you acknowledge it, you seem to plug a finger in each ear, loudly singing "La La La La."

 

Interesting post reference.

 

You can never go back. Ever.

[GLDheart]

What you are feeling is probably all real... Yes, of course it could be a clever ruse and sham by your wife... but probably not.

 

I think alot of everyone's caution here is that there is a 99% probability that there are alot of aspects that have been rug swept to hurry to this point of "all better now".

 

I truly hope for the best for you. I really felt your pain as you went through it and it reminded me of what I went through. For that, I hope the pain is over... But, Just watch out. These things are cyclical and if you ever settle into a rut after this momentary high... the old rug swept behaviors (that were never dealt with) may rear thier ugly head again. Only this time she will be a practiced sneak with a better abilty to hide from you.

 

That last part, sadly, I speak from experience on.

[jnel921]

I think the road to reconciliation is absolutely possible. it's been over 2 months for me. We are in counseling, we talk more, we spend more time together and our family dynamic has changed.

 

The key is changing and wanting to change. I will always hate what he did but how long can I bask in that memory. Since then there has been no further revelations and he has opened up everything to me.

 

I can't ask for any more or any better. Time heals all wounds and pain. For everyone it's different. I think I will know when we are 100 percent again and I would announce that. For now there is nothing wrong with saying things are going well.

[nofool4u]

Time heals all wounds and pain.

 

I don't believe that. For some it may be true. I know if I had stayed with my wife I'd still have flashbacks of her cheating. And I know if I had stayed, the triggers would never go away. But thats just me.

 

Only way to heal my wounds and get rid of the pain was to get rid of the source.....the wife.

[Decorative]

100% is an unrealistic goal, and that kind of thought is what leads to issues in the first place.

 

Real life and mature love and connection has ups and downs. Thinking it is all rainbows and butterflies and that 100% is even an attainable goal is a setup for disaster. Truly.

 

I have a damn good marriage now. We have worked so hard to build a new commitment and life together. But nothing is 100%, nor should it be.

[Thegameoflife]

Forgiveness elludes most people. Most people don't even believe you can truly forgive someone completely, and hold no contempt for them for what they've done. We can learn this. We don't have to be jealous, hateful, unforgiving, or hold onto any negativity.

 

I'm not a religious person, but I think the story of Jesus is a good one to tell. Before Jesus, God created rules, told people how to live, and punished for insolance. For thousands of years, man did not become perfect to God, as a result of free will. God, being a perfect being, lacked the imperfection to relate with mankind. See, God knew everything about us, how we think, what we do, and all are strengths and weeknesses. Being perfect though, it was an impossibility to experience being human, and relating to humanity in a perfect form. So God sent Jesus, a man who was imperfect, but with the power of God's spirit. Jesus learned of the inner conflicts and the foulable nature of man through his own experience and learning. In the end, Jesus understood mankind, and why all of the punishments of God failed to change mankind. Through this experience, Jesus decided to forgive man for our imperfections. He displayed this by willingly being tortured and killed by the people who needed to be forgiven the most. This symbolizes the turn in the mentality of God towards man.

 

The thing is, you can do as Jesus did. It wasn't God as a perfect being that was able to forgive, but only as an imperfect human did he learn to forgive. This is the most important part of the story, humanity can only forgive humanity. Through our own imperfections we learn of imperfection. Jesus learned to forgive others, by learning how imperfect was because of his humanity, despite a perfect soul, he experienced to personal tribulations of man. Once realizing, this was inevitable to being human, he forgave his imperfections. By forgiving his imperfections, he forgave imperfections of others.

 

This story applies heavily to what I read here. In marriage, people have created rules and expectations. These rules are attempts to harness and control our behaviour, and we declare that they must be followed for things to work. God did this to mankind. However, we don't look at ourselves. Is there a single person who is married, apart from maybe someone asexual, that hasn't had sexual desires for someone other than their spouse? No. Everyone has them. We all know deep down inside that we all have the potential to cheat. We stick to the rules though, and even feel an almost suffering for doing so, cheating our nature. That's why when a spouse cheats, we do as God did, we want vengence and to punish. God punished for thousands of years with no success. Our rules are weaker than our nature. We see it in ourselves, and it's not something to hate, but forgive in ourselves, and in others.

[shatteredspirit]

Forgiveness elludes most people. Most people don't even believe you can truly forgive someone completely, and hold no contempt for them for what they've done. We can learn this. We don't have to be jealous, hateful, unforgiving, or hold onto any negativity.

 

I'm not a religious person, but I think the story of Jesus is a good one to tell. Before Jesus, God created rules, told people how to live, and punished for insolance. For thousands of years, man did not become perfect to God, as a result of free will. God, being a perfect being, lacked the imperfection to relate with mankind. See, God knew everything about us, how we think, what we do, and all are strengths and weeknesses. Being perfect though, it was an impossibility to experience being human, and relating to humanity in a perfect form. So God sent Jesus, a man who was imperfect, but with the power of God's spirit. Jesus learned of the inner conflicts and the foulable nature of man through his own experience and learning. In the end, Jesus understood mankind, and why all of the punishments of God failed to change mankind. Through this experience, Jesus decided to forgive man for our imperfections. He displayed this by willingly being tortured and killed by the people who needed to be forgiven the most. This symbolizes the turn in the mentality of God towards man.

 

The thing is, you can do as Jesus did. It wasn't God as a perfect being that was able to forgive, but only as an imperfect human did he learn to forgive. This is the most important part of the story, humanity can only forgive humanity. Through our own imperfections we learn of imperfection. Jesus learned to forgive others, by learning how imperfect was because of his humanity, despite a perfect soul, he experienced to personal tribulations of man. Once realizing, this was inevitable to being human, he forgave his imperfections. By forgiving his imperfections, he forgave imperfections of others.

 

This story applies heavily to what I read here. In marriage, people have created rules and expectations. These rules are attempts to harness and control our behaviour, and we declare that they must be followed for things to work. God did this to mankind. However, we don't look at ourselves. Is there a single person who is married, apart from maybe someone asexual, that hasn't had sexual desires for someone other than their spouse? No. Everyone has them. We all know deep down inside that we all have the potential to cheat. We stick to the rules though, and even feel an almost suffering for doing so, cheating our nature. That's why when a spouse cheats, we do as God did, we want vengence and to punish. God punished for thousands of years with no success. Our rules are weaker than our nature. We see it in ourselves, and it's not something to hate, but forgive in ourselves, and in others.

 

 

I like this...and forgiveness is not easy..I am having such a hard time with my situation. Your words helped so thank you

[NotCamelot]

Forgiveness elludes most people. Most people don't even believe you can truly forgive someone completely, and hold no contempt for them for what they've done. We can learn this. We don't have to be jealous, hateful, unforgiving, or hold onto any negativity.

 

I'm not a religious person, but I think the story of Jesus is a good one to tell. Before Jesus, God created rules, told people how to live, and punished for insolance. For thousands of years, man did not become perfect to God, as a result of free will. God, being a perfect being, lacked the imperfection to relate with mankind. See, God knew everything about us, how we think, what we do, and all are strengths and weeknesses. Being perfect though, it was an impossibility to experience being human, and relating to humanity in a perfect form. So God sent Jesus, a man who was imperfect, but with the power of God's spirit. Jesus learned of the inner conflicts and the foulable nature of man through his own experience and learning. In the end, Jesus understood mankind, and why all of the punishments of God failed to change mankind. Through this experience, Jesus decided to forgive man for our imperfections. He displayed this by willingly being tortured and killed by the people who needed to be forgiven the most. This symbolizes the turn in the mentality of God towards man.

 

The thing is, you can do as Jesus did. It wasn't God as a perfect being that was able to forgive, but only as an imperfect human did he learn to forgive. This is the most important part of the story, humanity can only forgive humanity. Through our own imperfections we learn of imperfection. Jesus learned to forgive others, by learning how imperfect was because of his humanity, despite a perfect soul, he experienced to personal tribulations of man. Once realizing, this was inevitable to being human, he forgave his imperfections. By forgiving his imperfections, he forgave imperfections of others.

 

This story applies heavily to what I read here. In marriage, people have created rules and expectations. These rules are attempts to harness and control our behaviour, and we declare that they must be followed for things to work. God did this to mankind. However, we don't look at ourselves. Is there a single person who is married, apart from maybe someone asexual, that hasn't had sexual desires for someone other than their spouse? No. Everyone has them. We all know deep down inside that we all have the potential to cheat. We stick to the rules though, and even feel an almost suffering for doing so, cheating our nature. That's why when a spouse cheats, we do as God did, we want vengence and to punish. God punished for thousands of years with no success. Our rules are weaker than our nature. We see it in ourselves, and it's not something to hate, but forgive in ourselves, and in others.

 

 

This really is what sums up a lot of my feelings. Forgiveness. You have to want to...really want to forgive. The word alone does not do it.

 

I spent many hours thinking about "throwing her out". But the thought of that hurt much worse than the thought of what she did.

 

What sense would it make to separate from someone that you truly love? Is it better to be miserable and alone, apart from the one that you still want and desire? While in the middle of all this mess the two of you still want to be together.........?

 

People make mistakes, bad choices, bad decisions and do bad things. Every one of us. It's like the old saying about "throwing out the baby with the bath water".

 

My W and I have made peace with what we did to each other. We have started a new journey, in a lot of ways better than the first. I DO NOT want the first one back and neither does she.

 

In a way it's like being newlyweds again. It truly feels that way. Everyday is not all smiles and roses. It's not that way in any relationship anyway.....so why would this be? But there are a lot of really great times.......in ways I have not seen in a long time.

 

So, even though it's only been almost 8 months, I can see daylight........we are going to make it......we really are.