Boyfriend using his back problem as an excuse? Am I being selfish?

[Killer Queen]

I am 22 and my boyfriend is 30 and I am at university. We have talked about our future quite a bit and he has said the only thing stopping him from proposing is our living situation (we both live with our mothers). He is pressuring me to move in with him and his mother while he saves for a deposit on a house because he can’t stand being separated during the weekdays (we live an hour apart so I always stay there on weekends).

 

He has scoliosis, which frequently causes him back and neck pain. His mother and sister also have it, so it is hereditary. The hereditary aspect slightly bothers me because I know I want children one day, but I have known almost from the start and I didn’t think it would be much of a problem for me; however I’m beginning to worry that it’s going to become a frequent excuse to get his own way…

 

His mother has basically done the majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and food shopping for him for his whole life. He is not ambitious, he was a high school dropout, unemployed until the age of 25 and he was unemployed for another year after that, and only recently got a job with an income above minimum wage (all his previous jobs were minimum wage). I am ambitious, I do well at studying and I also want to get married and have children one day. When I’m in my 30s and 40s I want to live in a beautiful house in a nice neighbourhood, have a good career, and go on holidays with my future husband and children.

 

Even though we both live with our mothers, it seems like I am far more independent and motivated than he is. He seems to hate everything that involves effort. He complained and said he hates going to work, laundry, shopping for food, cleaning, cooking, etc. but these are basic things that everyone does (except him). He even complained about having to do 5 minute meals. I was stunned. And I even had to tell him to brush his teeth, because he was too lazy to do it more than 3 times a week. I brush my teeth twice a day and floss daily.

 

I feel like his back problem is going to be used as an excuse to just let me do all the housework and chores in the future. He has already used it as an excuse (among many others) to not go shopping for food, because of all the lifting of things off the shelf… and yet he has no problem helping his mother move her armchair. He also said “men hate food shopping more than women do” and he claims that he sees far more women in the supermarket than men. I’m sorry but I find this pathetic. Sometimes when we have talked and the topic of cleaning has been mentioned, I hear him say things like “don’t worry, I won’t mind if the house isn’t perfect” and “I’m not fussed about having a spotless bathroom so you don’t have to spend 2 hours in there or anything” and I don’t know if it’s just me but that sounds as though I’m going to be doing all the cleaning? I will not put up with that in a relationship or marriage, especially when I’m working or studying but it’s going to be hard for me to put my foot down or give him a kick up the arse when he is complaining of back/neck pain every time I mention it.

 

My mum went through this with my dad (rheumatoid arthritis) and she wasn’t happy because she had to do everything around the house (they’re divorced now) and he would often put it on to get out of doing things he didn’t want to do; however, at least my dad earned a lot of money as a dentist whereas I will also be the main breadwinner in this relationship, if it continues. It’s depressing. I want a partner to build a life with together, but I feel like I’m being held back and dragged down from my goals and dreams. Am I selfish for hating the fact that I don’t want to feel like I’m taking care of an old man for the rest of my life? Or is love enough to give these things up? Sometimes I feel like I should stay with him because we enjoy each others company so much, but other times I just feel resentful and I lose sleep over it.

 

I am nice looking and intelligent and I feel like I could get so much better for myself. I’m normally a caring person but I just feel so bad and selfish for thinking this way. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I guess I just want to know if I’m being selfish or unrealistic for thinking this way. Thanks.

[Els]

Love is enough to give some things up, for me (you may differ depending on your priorities in life), but the key is that the other person must make an effort regardless of what situation he/she is in. There is a huge difference between a sick/disabled person who genuinely does the best they can and only accepts help where absolutely necessary, and one who is happy to just hoist all responsibility in their lives onto the nearest person. The former is worth sticking with, the latter is not. Only you can decide which your bf is.

[Balzac]

You're 22, actively in academics, what is the appeal to have any relationship with this guy? Your focus needs to be on why you are with him? Why the repeating of a family pattern?

 

How many men have you dated? Why are you living at home at age 22?

 

Selfish is not any part of this. Selfish is your personal issue.

[FitChick]

His back problem is the least of your problems. Dump him unless you want to live life as a martyr.