She wants a divorce but isn't pursuing it

[ConfusedAtFifty]

Married 17 years, 14 and 16 year kids still at home. She's been a homemaker since pregnant with the 16 year old. Our relationship has been real rocky at times over the years but usually comes back around.

 

Several major arguments three weeks ago about small things that brought the hostility out in both of us. I had been working non-stop with two jobs and rebuilding a truck and was completely worn out then we began a home improvement project so was not at my best by any means.

 

She doesn't like to deal with the issue when we argue and I'm bad about not giving her space to cool down. I followed her into the yard, we yelled some more, it got no where so I went back in and shut the door. The back door rarely gets opened from outside and she couldn't get back in so assumed that I locked her out in the cold. She has seen that the door is messed up but still says she doesn't believe me.

 

Same day i threw a small but heavy plastic box on the floor and it bounced up and hit the back of her calf. She insists that I threw it at her. I told her if I really meant to throw it at her I would have really hit her with it. It progressed into more stupidity between the two of us yelling then she said she couldn't take it anymore and wanted a divorce.

 

She never asked me to leave so I didn't. Am staying in the basement family room. We finished the home improvement project, seemed like things were getting better so I apologized for all of the crap and told het I felt like I was falling in love with her again. She said she definitely didn't feel that way and still felt like she did two weeks ago.

 

Since all of this began she's been on a cleaning binge and has cleaned the house like she never has since we've been together. Not separating stuff, just going through everything and throwing away her old clutter and cleaning everything beyond belief.

 

We have times where things feel great then they quickly fade again. No more arguing though. I started reading about troubled relationships and see where my half has been handled wrong.

 

She told me that her daughter is going to help her find a lawyer and that she has no job or money so can't pay for one but the consultation is free. To the best of my knowledge she hasn't spoken to one yet and keeps finding more things to clean at the house so who knows when she will.

 

I saw a counselor about all of this and the counselor thinks she may be depressed and unstable. She was on anti-depressents a few years ago then stopped taking them because she felt she didn't need them anymore. Of course the couldn't say for sure without talking with her and she won't talk with anyone about this aside from her daughter that I know of.

 

She doesn't speak to her family due to sexual abuse when she was a child and other issues so has no one there to talk with. She's also not spoken with our kids about this since she told them she wanted a divorce and it really bothers them. She's emotionally walled herself off from just about everyone.

 

I'm trying to be patient but am so confused by all of this that I don't know what to think. It's like a roller coaster ride that won't end. I have learned to keep my mouth shut and think about how I feel before speaking so that's helped.

 

Does this situation sound familiar to anyone that might read this?

 

And, how can I understand what she really feels when she says she wants out but isn't leaving? Often she'll tell me she feels a certain way then later tell me that she didn't really feel that way so I never know when to really believe her. Example: the kids and I took her to dinner for her birthday. I could tell she was uncomfortable while we were out. When we got home I asked her if she felt uncomfortable while we were out because i didn't want to make her birthday bad. She said she was fine then later that evening told me that yes, she was uncomfortable while we were out.

 

I know this is long but if you've read this far and can help I really appreciate it.

[standtall]

Confused..sorry to hear you grief. I will give you my lowdown on divorces in your situation. Women who have minor children seldom leave marriages unless.

 

1. Physical/emotional abuse....by either.

2. Drug/alcohol abuse..... by either.

3. Mental illness...by either.

4. Third party involvement....by either.

 

Now, this is not absolute as their are no absolutes with human behavior and relationships, but this covers 95%. I'm sure there are some guys that their wives lose respect over to much xbox, they get too fat, whatever, but those are usually not deal breakers.

 

In your case, your wife has been a SAHM for 16 yrs, with no money, and most likely limited job skills and earning potential, so it is even more unlikely that she is going to divorce over what you have described thus far. I would say that you're not telling the whole picture in your original post. perhaps she is feeling a little more threatened by you than what you realize..or something else?

[ConfusedAtFifty]

I would say that you're not telling the whole picture in your original post. perhaps she is feeling a little more threatened by you than what you realize..or something else?

 

Standtall,

 

Thanks for the reply and insight. From what I've learned about myself since this has happened is I believe that I have been too controlling with her. I haven't accepted her for who she is and let her be her. There's a reason for it but I'm sure that it's not the right way to go.

 

I constantly have said "I'm tired of driving" to her as I wanted more help with decisions at home, finances, the house being a wreck, etc. and she wants no part of it most of the time. I feel like I have to think for both of us a lot.

 

The kids tell me that I need to be that way with her as she zones out and forgets to do a lot of things. I've found that I can ask forever and things don't get done but if I yell they do. Completely the wrong approach and I know that and am seriously working on improving myself, giving her more space and keeping my mouth shut until i think things through.

 

I've also asked the kids to do things such as not tell her that the light has turned green and let the person behind her honk. Basically don't remind her that she forgot or made a mistake. From time to time she seems to run on autopilot and tunes all of us out and sometimes things around her. The kids get frustrated with her because they talk with her only to find out that she didn't hear what they said or just doesn't want to acknowledge them, not sure which. My 16 year old is constantly asking her if she's smoking crack (there is no drug or alcohol abuse, we're both recovering alcoholics, her dry 17 years and me 20). I think it frustrates my wife because she knows she does this but doesn't want to admit it and when we say something it rubs it in.

 

I've pointed at her a lot in this post but as mentioned I see what I've been doing wrong (at least part of it) and am working on it. I know I can never see the world through her eyes but sure wish I could.

Edited December 24, 2012 by ConfusedAtFifty

[standtall]

Standtall,

 

Thanks for the reply and insight. From what I've learned about myself since this has happened is I believe that I have been too controlling with her. I haven't accepted her for who she is and let her be her. There's a reason for it but I'm sure that it's not the right way to go.

 

I constantly have said "I'm tired of driving" to her as I wanted more help with decisions at home, finances, the house being a wreck, etc. and she wants no part of it most of the time. I feel like I have to think for both of us a lot.

 

The kids tell me that I need to be that way with her as she zones out and forgets to do a lot of things. I've found that I can ask forever and things don't get done but if I yell they do. Completely the wrong approach and I know that and am seriously working on improving myself, giving her more space and keeping my mouth shut until i think things through.

 

I've also asked the kids to do things such as not tell her that the light has turned green and let the person behind her honk. Basically don't remind her that she forgot or made a mistake. From time to time she seems to run on autopilot and tunes all of us out and sometimes things around her. The kids get frustrated with her because they talk with her only to find out that she didn't hear what they said or just doesn't want to acknowledge them, not sure which. My 16 year old is constantly asking her if she's smoking crack (there is no drug or alcohol abuse, we're both recovering alcoholics, her dry 17 years and me 20). I think it frustrates my wife because she knows she does this but doesn't want to admit it and when we say something it rubs it in.

 

I've pointed at her a lot in this post but as mentioned I see what I've been doing wrong (at least part of it) and am working on it. I know I can never see the world through her eyes but sure wish I could.

 

Well based on what you've said, there is the mental illness part. Have you gotten her in to see a doctor?....there may be something wrong with her such as a mini stroke or something else.

[ConfusedAtFifty]

Well based on what you've said, there is the mental illness part. Have you gotten her in to see a doctor?....there may be something wrong with her such as a mini stroke or something else.

 

She absolutely refuses to see a doctor ("There's nothing wrong with me"). Not to get too personal about her but her periods are lasting almost two weeks now too and it gets real weird about halfway through that (two on, two off, two on and so on). Tried to get her to see the doctor over that too and she says "that's normal". Not much I can do there if she won't help herself.

 

Never thought about a mini stroke or something like that. Maybe over time if she cools off I can reason with her to see a doctor.

[Caldespair]

Confused

Sounds very similar to my situation. I have 2 teenage girls, think wife has some emotional issues, been with her 20 plus years. Now going through divorce crap. I'm at a hotel for Last 2 weeks after our big argument. There have been no deal breakers, just kinda growing apart as our kids get older. But after the argument you would think I was the devil for all theses years. She can be a ranting looney, does not control her self. My girls think there mom is a little off and are unhappy about her decision to hire a lawyer (she did it today).

Now I'm hoping I can just get out of this marriage with out spending thousand on lawyers.

Hang in there. At least u r in the house.

[ConfusedAtFifty]

Caldespair,

 

Sorry to hear that you're in the same boat. Weird how it works, an argument then "I'm done". Still being in the house is good but sometimes makes it harder as I can't stop thinking about all of this and where it came from. My wife occasionally has moments where she calls me "Dear" and is real nice then does a 180. Like she realizes she let the wall down a little then immediately puts it back up. She's kind of flat emotionally with the kids as well.

 

I can't help but wonder if it's pre menopause but have no way to know. It'd be nice if a few women on this board could shed some light to at least help us understand from a woman's point of view.

 

Best of luck and Merry Christmas.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife occasionally has moments where she calls me "Dear" and is real nice then does a 180. Like she realizes she let the wall down a little then immediately puts it back up.

You and your wife may be the poster children for MC as it sounds like your communication sucks! Your post also seems to carefully tiptoe around some of the more aggressive aspects of what you've done - had the box you'd thrown left a bruise on her leg, good luck explaining your intentions to the police !!!

 

What resources do you have to access MC?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ConfusedAtFifty]

You and your wife may be the poster children for MC as it sounds like your communication sucks! Your post also seems to carefully tiptoe around some of the more aggressive aspects of what you've done - had the box you'd thrown left a bruise on her leg, good luck explaining your intentions to the police !!!

 

What resources do you have to access MC?

 

MC is totally out of the question for her. I asked a few months ago when we were arguing a lot and she said it never works and is a waste of time and money. This is her first marriage so not sure how she knows that.

 

She does have some really dark stuff in the closet from her childhood and my guess is that she has that in its place in her mind and doesn't want it resurfacing. Could be completely wrong though.

 

No tiptoeing intended. We argue and get loud but never hurt each other physically. This incident was purely accidental. If the police were called though you're right, they wouldn't have believed it.

 

Tried to talk with her about things today and it went badly. The kids and I think she needs to see a doctor and I brought it up explaing that we care. She told me it's menopause and that there's nothing they can do for it, got pissed, asked me if I was done then stormed off. She immediately started cleaning the house again (bet I have the cleanest house on the block, one of the kids asked her when we moved into a hospital today). I didn't follow her, just let her walk off. Then she was as friendly as normal later in the day. It's like an all-day roller-coaster ride being here.

 

At this point I think it's beyond trying to figure out. I'll just wait a while and see what she does then go from there.

Edited December 26, 2012 by ConfusedAtFifty

[Mr. Lucky]

At this point I think it's beyond trying to figure out. I'll just wait a while and see what she does then go from there.

ConfusedAtFifty, within the realm of what's realistically possible, what do you want to happen? Of the difficult choices in front of you, which seems best?

 

I'd guess from your screen name that you're around my age (I'm in my late 50's). I definitely appreciate that time is precious and wouldn't want to waste the productive years I have left in a combative marriage with someone that plainly didn't love me. If you've truly tried your best, and your W won't get help for her issues or participate in MC, then she may have effectively made your choice for you. My own feeling is that you don't do anyone a favor by sacrificing yourself at the altar of a failed marriage so you can be a martyr for the next 25 years. And bitter, angry and broken isn't how I'd want my kids to remember me. Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

She should get a job! When she has to keep a routine and schedule - the home may run more efficiently.

 

She will also gt proud of herself for accomplishing more.

 

A boss may point out her areas that need to be more effective...

[Mr. Lucky]

She should get a job! When she has to keep a routine and schedule - the home may run more efficiently.

 

She will also gt proud of herself for accomplishing more.

 

A boss may point out her areas that need to be more effective...

Given how the OP has described her actions and challenges, I'd be amazed if she could hold down a job. Most bosses would have little patience for this kind of erratic behavior...

 

Mr. Lucky

[veryhappy]

The feeling of her being far away and not responsive to a green light or to a child talking to her could be a sign of her depression. In that case, it's more caring to let her know that th light turned green than give her a lesson you feel she should learn. I get this feeling that you've been recruiting the children on your side, that you are to some degree abusive and they are copying the behavior of the strong one -you- who's incidentally holding the purse strings.

 

I can tell you two things for sure: your wife is unhappy and she feels nothing will change with you (refusal to go to MC), and she feels out of control. You and the kids can laugh all you want about living in a hospital. Her obsessive compulsive behavior is a sign she feels out of control, as in she can't do anything to feel in control of her life, not that she's unstable and will blow up. That might be true too, but I'm talking about feeling she has little control over her life.

Edited December 27, 2012 by cutedragon

[ConfusedAtFifty]

ConfusedAtFifty, within the realm of what's realistically possible, what do you want to happen? Of the difficult choices in front of you, which seems best?

 

I'd guess from your screen name that you're around my age (I'm in my late 50's). I definitely appreciate that time is precious and wouldn't want to waste the productive years I have left in a combative marriage with someone that plainly didn't love me. If you've truly tried your best, and your W won't get help for her issues or participate in MC, then she may have effectively made your choice for you. My own feeling is that you don't do anyone a favor by sacrificing yourself at the altar of a failed marriage so you can be a martyr for the next 25 years. And bitter, angry and broken isn't how I'd want my kids to remember me. Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky,

 

You guessed it on the age and I am thinking about where I want to be in the future. I have managed to lose the anger and bitterness that I originally had three weeks ago when she said divorce. As mentioned she doesn't talk to the kids on matters like this and my 14 year old asked me to stay as well so that makes it tough to do anything right now but be patient and good to myself and the kids. I'm nice to the wife when she's nice, don't say much when she doesn't.

 

I've read more on a men's take on menopause board and it looks like my situation is not really that uncommon at all. Doesn't make it any better but does make a little more sense, especially when understanding what it really can do to some women. Read a post about a guy going through this when his wife hit menopause, divorced her, married a woman 10 years his junior, then went through the same thing with the new wife after 10 years of marriage. Wouldn't that be the pits?

[ConfusedAtFifty]

She should get a job! When she has to keep a routine and schedule - the home may run more efficiently.

 

She will also gt proud of herself for accomplishing more.

 

A boss may point out her areas that need to be more effective...

 

We've discussed this in the past and it always goes badly To be fair she does most of the "take the cats to the vet", runs the kids, etc. so stays busy and has really helped me in the past.

 

She said she knows to divorce me she'll need to get a job and hasn't done anything yet so I'll see what happens.

[2sunny]

You're just going to sit and wait?

 

Doing nothing - you can only blame yourself for wasting time when she says it's already over and won't work to improve the marriage.

 

Doing nothing is accepting the unacceptable.

[veryhappy]

It's never one discussion and it's over for a woman. She's probably wanted to move on for years.

 

You have no compassion for your wife. It's all about you. Staying with her it's not about her, it's about her making your life easy by running errands( poorly, but she does) and the fear of not finding someone better. She must feel intensly loved.

[ConfusedAtFifty]

The feeling of her being far away and not responsive to a green light or to a child talking to her could be a sign of her depression. In that case, it's more caring to let her know that th light turned green than give her a lesson you feel she should learn. I get this feeling that you've been recruiting the children on your side, that you are to some degree abusive and they are copying the behavior of the strong one -you- who's incidentally holding the purse strings.

 

I can tell you two things for sure: your wife is unhappy and she feels nothing will change with you (refusal to go to MC), and she feels out of control. You and the kids can laugh all you want about living in a hospital. Her obsessive compulsive behavior is a sign she feels out of control, as in she can't do anything to feel in control of her life, not that she's unstable and will blow up. That might be true too, but I'm talking about feeling she has little control over her life.

 

The reason for not telling her the light turned green is that it makes her pretty mad when pointed out. Are you suggesting that we nicely let her know these things and let her get mad?

 

I don't really recruit the kids, they come to me because they can't communicate with her a lot. Maybe I'm influencing them more than I think I am without trying to.

 

I was wondering about the cleaning and control as well as when she gets mad at me she cleans more.

 

Your input is appreciated. Since the last blowup three weeks ago I've paid close attention to my attitude and when I get irritated I shut up and go to another part of the house instead of complaining or arguing. I've also tried to be helpful without being suffocating.

 

Any ideas of how I can give her control or the feeling that she has it? I've asked her to help with finances, etc. in the past and she has no interest in it (or at least tells me she doesn't).

 

Thanks.

[ConfusedAtFifty]

It's never one discussion and it's over for a woman. She's probably wanted to move on for years.

 

You have no compassion for your wife. It's all about you. Staying with her it's not about her, it's about her making your life easy by running errands( poorly, but she does) and the fear of not finding someone better. She must feel intensly loved.

 

So you're saying me leaving and her losing her new car, the kids loosing their music lessons and bankruptcy would be better than waiting to see what happens in a while? I can't afford two households.

[ConfusedAtFifty]

You're just going to sit and wait?

 

Doing nothing - you can only blame yourself for wasting time when she says it's already over and won't work to improve the marriage.

 

Doing nothing is accepting the unacceptable.

 

I should toss a 17 year relationship after three weeks of consideration? There are a lot of times when she tells me she feels one way about something then later tells me that she didn't feel that way and feels different than what she said to begin with. Am I just fooling myself?

Edited December 29, 2012 by ConfusedAtFifty

[ConfusedAtFifty]

Tonight in a pleasant conversation she told me that I've been too self-centered for too long and get pissed when i don't get what i want. I have to admit that it's a fair statement when I think about it. (self defense system kicking in) It does work both ways though. She drives a new car, I drive a 10 year old truck and have a 10 year old motorcycle. I've spent a lot fixing them both up but together they're not worth what her car is. Also bought the new travel trailer that she wanted last summer.

 

I work two jobs so she could stay home with the kids and have been for three years and usually think about what I need to get done while she takes care of the house and runs the kids. Until recently no real free time at all. Guess the money wasn't worth it for me or the family (self defense statement, I know).

 

Did tell her that I wished we could have communicated like this before it all went downhill. I have tried to get her talk for a long time and usually it would cause an argument or her walking away.

 

She also said that now she feels she has control because she knows where she wants to go (divorce).

 

Sometimes getting more information makes you even more confused...

[2sunny]

Work one job. She can work as well to bring in money.

 

When she works - she will still figure out how to make it all work.

Loa rents do it all the time - work, kids, activities.

 

She wants out - show her how hard life gets when she doesn't have it so easy.