How to tell my parents I have a life

[Robert P]

I'm 27 years old and I still live with my parents. This is because I'm unemployed, but I'm on my way to find a job next year.

 

Since I live with them, they control me like if I were 14 years old. It's boring, sometimes. Nevertheless, I respect them a lot and I avoid conflict, because, after all, I live under their roof and they still pay my bills. Ok.

 

Another point is that my parents (and my brother and sister as well) are very conservative people. For instance, they never allowed me to sleep in my girlfriend's house or her to sleep here. Ok, I can respect that.

 

The problem that I want to bring to your attention is: how can I tell them that I have a life and that I do regular stuff that people at my age do?

 

For instance, I mean, sometimes, when I'm out, at parties, I like to drink some beer. It's no big deal, I don't fall on the ground. But they would freak out if they knew it (and they have already given signals that they wouldn't bear it).

 

My brother and sister (they don't live here anymore) don't drink anything alcoholic at all. And my parents are always proud to tell everyone that "no one of their children gets near a glass of beer or wine or anything".

 

I feel like I'm deceiving them. From one point of view, I don't think I should tell them, because it's my life and they shouldn't necessarily know it. But I get scared when some friends come home - what if this subjects comes out on the surface and my parents get to know that, yes, I like to drink alcoholic stuff?

 

(The funny thing is: my father drinks beer - a lot! But it doesn't change a thing. For my parents, I'm a child (and my brother and sister are, as well) and I should never, in any possible world, even be near anything that sounds different from a soda or a fruit juice)

 

I'm giving the "alcohol example", but it comes out to lots of other things in my life: they don't know I smoke cigarettes once in a while, they don't know I used to go to strip clubs, they don't know I like some erotic movies...

 

To sum up, they think I'm a little good boy who is almost an angel. And they have given plenty of signals that they would not tolerate that I behave slightly different from this. For instance, we already had arguments when, years ago, I was watching "Titanic" - and it was simply because Kate Winslet showed her breasts for a few seconds. Yeah, things here at home are crazy like that.

 

So what should I do? How should I behave?

 

Should I silently wait for the day that I get a job and get outta here? Well, I will probably get a job next year, but I'm not sure it will be enough to pay my bills. It's a very underpaid job. Then it may take a few more years in order to really have the opportunity to leave this house. Should I stay quiet and bear it untill that happens?

 

Or should I confront them, tell them that I like doing things that regular people do, and try to explain that I'm not a foolish kid anymore? And, if I have to choose this path, how should I do it, considering the fact that my parents are conservative as hell?

 

Well, I'm here if you want any extra information. Thanks in advance.

[Survivor12]

Sorry if you find this to be harsh, but the fact is that despite your claim that you are an adult who "has a life", your choosing to remain living under your parents' roof and depending on them to support you says otherwise.

 

You say that you plan to get a job "next year". Why haven't you already been looking for one? How long have you been unemployed? Have you ever lived on your own?

 

As far as not being able to afford to support yourself even if you get a job, that's a cop out. If you want your independence badly enough, it would be worth whatever you have to do to make it happen--working two jobs, living with roommates, doing without the "luxuries" you can't afford. There are people who are raising children who, although they may be struggling, manage to get by. There are others who, while going to school full time are working to support themselves. There are also senior citizens who have worked all of their lives with the dream of reaching retirement age who continue to work to maintain their independence. If you want to make it happen, you will.

 

In the meantime, it is your choice to live with your parents. The key word being choice. Likewise, your parents have made the choice to allow it--and to decide what they expect from you. If you don't like it, you are free to leave.

 

It's up to you to decide.

[Robert P]

Sorry if you find this to be harsh, but the fact is that despite your claim that you are an adult who "has a life", your choosing to remain living under your parents' roof and depending on them to support you says otherwise.

 

You say that you plan to get a job "next year". Why haven't you already been looking for one? How long have you been unemployed? Have you ever lived on your own?

 

As far as not being able to afford to support yourself even if you get a job, that's a cop out. If you want your independence badly enough, it would be worth whatever you have to do to make it happen--working two jobs, living with roommates, doing without the "luxuries" you can't afford. There are people who are raising children who, although they may be struggling, manage to get by. There are others who, while going to school full time are working to support themselves. There are also senior citizens who have worked all of their lives with the dream of reaching retirement age who continue to work to maintain their independence. If you want to make it happen, you will.

 

In the meantime, it is your choice to live with your parents. The key word being choice. Likewise, your parents have made the choice to allow it--and to decide what they expect from you. If you don't like it, you are free to leave.

 

It's up to you to decide.

 

 

 

Thanks for the answer, Survivor.

 

About my job, everything is quite decided: I've already found one and I will probably start working in February or March. That's why I don't need to look for a job now - I'm 95% sure about that one.

 

Anyway, do you think I should be quiet and never talk to them about the life I have, and simply wait for the day I leave my house?

 

I never thought of hiding things from relatives as being good...

Edited December 24, 2012 by Robert P

[Forever Learning]

Don't feel bad, there are so many people in your situation, having to live at home for various reasons.

 

I wouldn't tell your parents a thing, they obviously can't handle it and it will only create stress and hassle for you.

 

Do your thing with your girlfriend during daylight hours if you can't spend the night there. Or, say you are spending the night at a buddy's house. That's right, I said LIE. I don't normally support lying, but your parents are a piece of work and don't deserve to know if you are spending the night with her at this point, with you being 27 years old and all. They have lost the right to know your business with your girlfriend if they can't handle it.

 

And develop a plan for eventually moving out. I really like a guy who gives financial advice named Dave Ramsey, he has a website, google it and read up.

 

He may have some budgeting tips to help you get a grip on your finances and find a way for you to move out in the future. All the best to you.

[Survivor12]

Robert,

 

If, as you said in your OP, you aren't sure that the job will pay enough to pay your bills & since you will be doing nothing for the next 2-3 months, why not look for something else now? Not only would you be able to put aside money toward your move but you may be able to continue to work it part time after your other job begins to supplement your income.

 

I must say that I disagree with the other poster who suggested that you lie to your parents. While I do agree that your parents' rules and expectations are somewhat over the top, they haven't lied or deceived you about how they feel.As I see it, lying to them isn't much different than stealing from them; both are dishonest. Either tell them the truth and deal with the consequences or toe the line and focus on being able to take care of yourself. Once you are no longer dependent on them, you can do what you want without obligation to explain anything.

 

Look, there are a lot of things in life that are unfair and in many cases there's nothing you can do about it. In this situation, however, you can CHOOSE whether or not to abide by the rules or be responsible, go to work, be independent and live by your own rules.

[FitChick]

If you won't be able to afford your own place, rent a room in a house with other people. At least you will have more privacy.

[Robert P]

Don't feel bad, there are so many people in your situation, having to live at home for various reasons.

 

I wouldn't tell your parents a thing, they obviously can't handle it and it will only create stress and hassle for you.

 

Do your thing with your girlfriend during daylight hours if you can't spend the night there. Or, say you are spending the night at a buddy's house. That's right, I said LIE. I don't normally support lying, but your parents are a piece of work and don't deserve to know if you are spending the night with her at this point, with you being 27 years old and all. They have lost the right to know your business with your girlfriend if they can't handle it.

 

And develop a plan for eventually moving out. I really like a guy who gives financial advice named Dave Ramsey, he has a website, google it and read up.

 

He may have some budgeting tips to help you get a grip on your finances and find a way for you to move out in the future. All the best to you.

 

 

 

Forever Learning, I thank you for sharing your point of view.

 

I agree with you even about the lying thing. My life shouldn't be restrained because my parents don't like it. Since I'm not hurting anyone, there should be no reason for them to be angry at me for meaningless reasons. But I don't know if I can do it.

 

I don't like to deceive people. Until now, I've ommited the truth, but I didn't lie to them. Moreover, it would be even extremely stressful if I had to do it.

 

So, I think I can go on omiting, but lying is a bit more difficult.

[Robert P]

Robert,

 

If, as you said in your OP, you aren't sure that the job will pay enough to pay your bills & since you will be doing nothing for the next 2-3 months, why not look for something else now? Not only would you be able to put aside money toward your move but you may be able to continue to work it part time after your other job begins to supplement your income.

 

I must say that I disagree with the other poster who suggested that you lie to your parents. While I do agree that your parents' rules and expectations are somewhat over the top, they haven't lied or deceived you about how they feel.As I see it, lying to them isn't much different than stealing from them; both are dishonest. Either tell them the truth and deal with the consequences or toe the line and focus on being able to take care of yourself. Once you are no longer dependent on them, you can do what you want without obligation to explain anything.

 

Look, there are a lot of things in life that are unfair and in many cases there's nothing you can do about it. In this situation, however, you can CHOOSE whether or not to abide by the rules or be responsible, go to work, be independent and live by your own rules.

 

 

Survivor12, from what I read, you think that I should:

 

1 - Leave home; or

2 - Tell them the truth; or

3 - Shut up and live with it.

 

Is that it?

 

I'd like to state that I would proudly choose number 2, if I knew there's a reasonable chance that they understand my point of view. But, unfortunately, there isn't. They're not open minded about things such as drinking, having sex before marriage and sleeping over someone else's house.

 

It just leaves me the other 2 options (1 and 3). I am sad with number 3. And number 1... well...

 

I will start working in February. This job is precisely the one that will get me to the job of my dreams in a few years.

 

So, concerning this, I'm facing the opportunity of my life. I don't want to ruin it just because my parents are too strict. It will be very hard to find another job (unemployment is high...) to work with while I'm in that one.

 

Then, if I leave home, I'll be probably throwing through the window some of the dreams I've had for years. I didn't want this to happen.

[Radu]

FL is spot one, even more so with Dave's site ... really nice stuff there that worked for me too [and i live in Europe].

[Survivor12]

Robert, it may surprise you, but I totally understand our predicament. I, too, am unemployed & waiting to hear whether or not I will get my "dream job". The difference is that I am my sole means of support. For that reason, I have applied for work at a temporary agency as well as other jobs in the meantime. Even though I have money set aside for circumstances such as these, I am eager to begin earning an income again as soon as possible...but that's just me. You, of course, are entitled to make your own choices based on your own priorities.

 

I must say that I do agree with you when it comes to omitting details over lying to your parents. I am curious, though...have your parents told you that their financial support is contingent on you obeying their rules even when you are outside their home? I'm not asking if they approve, only if they have made it a condition of living there.

 

Here's the thing...even though you may not share your parents' beliefs (I don't either, for that matter), they are as entitled to have them and to dictate what is and is not allowed in their home as you are to make choices for yourself. You didn't answer my question about whether or not you have ever lived on your own. If you have not, it is more understandable why your parents would be less inclined to think of you as an "adult".

 

In your OP, you ask how to tell your parents that you are no longer a "foolish kid". My answer is not to tell them--show them. Wherever you are living, if you are true to yourself, work hard, are honorable and can remain respectful to others, you will have no reason for concern.

 

Good luck to you.

[Robert P]

Robert, it may surprise you, but I totally understand our predicament. I, too, am unemployed & waiting to hear whether or not I will get my "dream job". The difference is that I am my sole means of support. For that reason, I have applied for work at a temporary agency as well as other jobs in the meantime. Even though I have money set aside for circumstances such as these, I am eager to begin earning an income again as soon as possible...but that's just me. You, of course, are entitled to make your own choices based on your own priorities.

 

I must say that I do agree with you when it comes to omitting details over lying to your parents. I am curious, though...have your parents told you that their financial support is contingent on you obeying their rules even when you are outside their home? I'm not asking if they approve, only if they have made it a condition of living there.

 

Here's the thing...even though you may not share your parents' beliefs (I don't either, for that matter), they are as entitled to have them and to dictate what is and is not allowed in their home as you are to make choices for yourself. You didn't answer my question about whether or not you have ever lived on your own. If you have not, it is more understandable why your parents would be less inclined to think of you as an "adult".

 

In your OP, you ask how to tell your parents that you are no longer a "foolish kid". My answer is not to tell them--show them. Wherever you are living, if you are true to yourself, work hard, are honorable and can remain respectful to others, you will have no reason for concern.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

Survivor12:

 

No, I never lived on my own.

 

I was always respectful, always studied a lot, always helped here with domestic stuff.

 

Anyway, I understand what you're telling me.

 

I'm not sure yet, but I think I'll go on omitting whatever I can and, meanwhile, I'll see if I can find a way to mantain myself without needing their suport.

 

Unless I have some other insight...

 

Thanks a lot!

[Phoe]

I would refrain from outright lying, but simply omit certain details of your life for the time being.

 

At 23, I recently moved back in with my parents after being laid off from my old job (budget cuts) and no longer being able to afford rent on my own. I lived on my own since I was 18 so the sudden lack of privacy was very strange to deal with after being so used to doing my own thing.

 

I do not have to pay rent, so I live by my parents rules... while they know that I DO want to get out of here as soon as I am capable (they don't blame me one bit either), I put up with the restrictions because otherwise I would not have a roof over my head. I have a job that pays well enough that I can pay for all my own amenities, the only thing I do not have the money for is rent currently.

 

If I work late nights my mom waits up for me. It's a bit bothersome... she doesn't like me out after dark. If I get off work at 10 PM my mom is still out in the living room waiting for me when I get home. What if I wanted to go out with friends? Even if I called her to let her know I wasn't coming home right away she would be wracked with anxiety. My social life has just about died due to my mother's desire that I not be out of the house after dark... it's unpleasant, but until I can afford my own place again I will listen to her. I have the rest of my life to still go out and do things.

 

So, like I mentioned at first.... just keep quiet. You don't need to tell them the details of your life, and you don't need to lie. As an adult you can keep those details private.

[Robert P]

I would refrain from outright lying, but simply omit certain details of your life for the time being.

 

At 23, I recently moved back in with my parents after being laid off from my old job (budget cuts) and no longer being able to afford rent on my own. I lived on my own since I was 18 so the sudden lack of privacy was very strange to deal with after being so used to doing my own thing.

 

I do not have to pay rent, so I live by my parents rules... while they know that I DO want to get out of here as soon as I am capable (they don't blame me one bit either), I put up with the restrictions because otherwise I would not have a roof over my head. I have a job that pays well enough that I can pay for all my own amenities, the only thing I do not have the money for is rent currently.

 

If I work late nights my mom waits up for me. It's a bit bothersome... she doesn't like me out after dark. If I get off work at 10 PM my mom is still out in the living room waiting for me when I get home. What if I wanted to go out with friends? Even if I called her to let her know I wasn't coming home right away she would be wracked with anxiety. My social life has just about died due to my mother's desire that I not be out of the house after dark... it's unpleasant, but until I can afford my own place again I will listen to her. I have the rest of my life to still go out and do things.

 

So, like I mentioned at first.... just keep quiet. You don't need to tell them the details of your life, and you don't need to lie. As an adult you can keep those details private.

 

 

 

Thanks, Phoe.

 

My parents also dislike when I come home late. This does not bother me so much, because I like sleeping early, but there occasions in which I would prefer to have more freedom in this matter, too.

 

I think I'm going on this one: not telling them about my personal stuff, even if it, in some level, means that they don't know me properly.

 

Perhaps one day, when I move out, I will let them know that I do stuff that they don't agree with.

[Robert P]

Good lord.

 

You just plan on living at home until you're 30 or older????

 

No wonder they treat you like a baby, you still depend on them and claim that you'll STILL need to depend on them even after you get a job.

 

 

Let me ask you something. Do the people you're referring to - the ones your age - all still live at home and depend on their parents, too? If not, then you're trying to compare apples to oranges.

 

Time to put your big boy pants on.

 

 

Yeah, many of my friends, who are between 25 and 30 years old, still live with their parents. Or at least I can remember five of them who still do. And they can do all the thing that I can't without any problem at home.

[Sugarkane]

Ever heard of the GFC? Or the Casualization of the workforce? Or have you been living under a rock?

Good lord.[/b]

You just plan on living at home until you're 30 or older????

 

No wonder they treat you like a baby, you still depend on them and claim that you'll STILL need to depend on them even after you get a job.

 

 

Let me ask you something. Do the people you're referring to - the ones your age - all still live at home and depend on their parents, too? If not, then you're trying to compare apples to oranges.

 

Time to put your big boy pants on.