Rono17 Posted December 24, 2012 Posted December 24, 2012 (edited) Hello, I'm new to the forums. Anyway, I'm in the winter break of my Freshmen year of college. During the first quarter, I met this girl, and I couldn't get her out of my head. However, I was in a long distance thing with this girl in Boston. She broke up with me, and I moved on to the new girl. And she is amazing and so understanding and we started officially dating. Unfortunately, she lives in Seattle and I in Boston, so I have not seen her in 4-5 weeks. I really, really like her. The thing is, I feel scared and nervous and depressed and anxious all of the time, and it's not because I miss her so much (even though I do). I am in hell. My mind will not shut up. Every day is relentless. I've had a history with depression, and over the break I've started going to a therapist and we talk about anxiety a lot, but I feel like a lot of this has to do with me and her. My mind points out every problem that can occur, probable or improbable, rational or irrational. I know this is just insecurity, and I guess I'm really insecure, but I don't want it to end up messing up this relationship. That comes from not wanting to be hurt. I feel like my goal is not being hurt more than anything else. And that makes me feel so guilty. A lot of this insecurity also makes me feel guilty, too. For instance, if I want to feel better, I try to think of her. If it does make me feel better, I tell myself I'm just using her to fix me. If It doesn't, I prod myself for not feeling more for her. I just feel like a bad person all the time. I feel like there is an ulterior motive recently for everything that I feel for her. Like, I get scared about something, and tell myself I'm willing to work hard to make the relationship work, but then feel so much guilt because the concern is for me not to get hurt. Or I catch myself saying things just so she can say them back. Tonight, I felt stupid for not wanting to masturbate to the thought of anyone else besides her. But is it that stupid? Is it wrong to want someone to complete you wholly? Is this how relationships work? I really don't know anything. Am I not supposed to feel anything in a vacuum of consideration only for her? I told my friend this and she said the guilt is my loss of innocence, but instead of seeing how the world really is, how relationships really work (not like the ideal I've built up in my head), I single myself out as "bad" and blame myself. Is that what's happening? I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. The thoughts are so jumbled cause everything's coming at me all at once. It's really overwhelming. If anything wasn't clear just ask. Edit: I just read a couple of break up stories in the forums, and i could feel the hurting so badly. It's just like, what are the chances of this relationship working out. We are freshmen in college. ****. This attack came on quickly. I don't want to have a negative outlook. How do I get past this? How do I let someone in while also making sure I'm not risking anything by moving too fast? I feel the sudden urge to pull away, like we've been moving too fast. I read an article for people with anxiety that basically said not to judge how you feel about someone when fear is in the drivers seat. And it feels like that's what's happening now, though. Edited December 24, 2012 by Rono17 Adding more information
Recommended Posts